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Original poster

Husband and his secretary

189 replies

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:04

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

OP posts:
ImpartialMongoose · 21/06/2022 19:53

It sounds as if they reached the heights of the affair a while ago, your husband has lost some interest in it and that she is now treading water, waiting for him to leave you which he isn't going to do (as he would have done by now). Yet he is happy to keep her around, adoring him.

WilsonMilson · 21/06/2022 19:56

It’s quite clear that he’s been carrying on with his secretary for your entire marriage, and she’s been stupid enough to hang around waiting for him to leave you. For whatever reason, you’ve clearly chosen to ignore all the blatantly obvious signs.

So that’s basically it. He’s always been cheating, she’s been waiting for him to leave which he isn’t doing because he wants to have his cake and eat it, and is a lying arse.

Personally, I’d pack his bags for him and tell the secretary she is welcome to his lying worse, and that he will be at least 50% poorer by the time you’ve divorced his sorry arse.

ImpartialMongoose · 21/06/2022 19:57

A pp said hire an private detective, if you want definitive proof, this is the way to go. A friend did this as it was the only way to know for sure and it got her husband to finally confess.

oakleaffy · 21/06/2022 19:57

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:57

From the messages, I could make out that she’s waiting for him to marry her. She had expressed her wishes of getting married, have kids and have a family but also blaming him that it all ruined because of him.

According to my husband, I did not understand the meaning behind messages and it was not directed towards him. The messages reads, “for a woman to have this kind of life at the age of 38 is not easy, whose dream is always to get married, have kids, taking care of husband and kids, it’s not easy at all “.

Though it’s quite vague as she’s not asking him to marry ! I am confused

Sorry, OP...
I'd bet that he has made out that he will marry her...or led her down that avenue of 'Hope'

He does sound like he has been building up her hopes, and for a women that stage of life, their child conceiving days are becoming limited.

Hopefully though, she won't be pregnant with his child.

Women can get very ''Desperate'' when they feel time is ticking by and they want a baby..

He needs to start telling you the TRUTH.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:58

Also one more message, “I did everything a would be wife will do for her husband, bit every single happiness that a wife should get, every single right, every single responsibilities, you cannot do anything, then no point. I have done everything for someone who I see as a husband in my dreams but things should be from both sides, otherwise it’s just ruining lives. Also until I am alive, I might involve in things so pray for my shorter life so that you can have a peaceful, happy time with your family “ 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 21/06/2022 20:02

It's very clear they are having an affair, not sure what more proof you need? If their behaviour is the talk of the business, he is being very unprofessional and certainly deceitful with you.
He knows you know but is treating you like a mug by changing his password etc.
Seriously - what additional proof of an inappropriate behaviour do you expect to get?

deedledeedledum · 21/06/2022 20:05

OP. Am I ask what country you are in? The language the secretary is using sounds like English isn't her first language

momonpurpose · 21/06/2022 20:10

It's pretty blatantly a duck op

3luckystars · 21/06/2022 20:11

you don’t need to ‘catch them’ you know it, he knows it and everyone else knows it.

even if you did catch them you probably would still not believe it.

Tadpoll · 21/06/2022 20:11

deedledeedledum · 21/06/2022 20:05

OP. Am I ask what country you are in? The language the secretary is using sounds like English isn't her first language

That’s because the OP wrote it.

Something smells fishy here.

Eightiesfan · 21/06/2022 20:12

deedledeedledum · 21/06/2022 20:05

OP. Am I ask what country you are in? The language the secretary is using sounds like English isn't her first language

I would hazard a guess at Asia, the whole ‘may god strike me dead’ sounds like something my aunts would say.

AnyFucker · 21/06/2022 20:13

your husband and this woman have been having an affair for years

she feels she missed her chance of marriage and babies with someone else while she waited for him

as well as your husband cheating on you, he has cheated her out of happiness by stringing her along and now she may never get a chance to be a mother

what kind of nan does that ?

EdgeOfACoin · 21/06/2022 20:14

WilsonMilson · 21/06/2022 19:56

It’s quite clear that he’s been carrying on with his secretary for your entire marriage, and she’s been stupid enough to hang around waiting for him to leave you. For whatever reason, you’ve clearly chosen to ignore all the blatantly obvious signs.

So that’s basically it. He’s always been cheating, she’s been waiting for him to leave which he isn’t doing because he wants to have his cake and eat it, and is a lying arse.

Personally, I’d pack his bags for him and tell the secretary she is welcome to his lying worse, and that he will be at least 50% poorer by the time you’ve divorced his sorry arse.

Yes, I am inclined to agree with this interpretation.

It sounds as though she's the other woman. He's probably given her the impression over the years that he will leave his marriage for her (when his daughter is older, that sort of thing).

She's now realising that at nearly 40, her window for marriage and babies is starting to close and 'her' man hasn't left his wife yet. She's starting to get desperate.

He's probably turned off by that and possibly starting to go cold on her. He probably has no real desire to leave you or get divorced. He has had the best of both worlds for a long time.

lanthanum · 21/06/2022 20:15

At best, she's obsessed and he's trying to be kind. However if that's the case, he's not being kind, because the real kind thing would be to put some real distance between them - get her swapped to work for someone else in the company, encourage her to apply to other companies, and tell her she needs to look elsewhere for friendship and support.

AnyFucker · 21/06/2022 20:15

*man

LIZS · 21/06/2022 20:21

Can you clarify please - you have been married 12 years, ignored all previous hints until a year ago your manager (do you work at same place?) was more blunt. But only now have you seen messages? Did you work for him when you got together?

FictionalCharacter · 21/06/2022 20:23

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:26

@edenhills she will be the last person I’ll ever go to talk with. Also don’t know if she comes in front of me I might just slap her

He’s the one who needs a slap. He’s being disloyal to you by being in either an emotional or sexual relationship with her. And he’s dangling her on a string.

WhatsHoppening · 21/06/2022 20:23

OP I know this will sound unkind but honestly HOW can you even be asking this?! Everyone literally telling you he’s having an affair, incredibly secretive generally, those messages. You’re either in complete denial or a bit dim. Can you just leave him? Even if they aren’t having a full blown affair it’s completely inappropriate and he’s allowing her to continue. Wake up!!

SuziSecondLaw · 21/06/2022 20:30

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:58

Also one more message, “I did everything a would be wife will do for her husband, bit every single happiness that a wife should get, every single right, every single responsibilities, you cannot do anything, then no point. I have done everything for someone who I see as a husband in my dreams but things should be from both sides, otherwise it’s just ruining lives. Also until I am alive, I might involve in things so pray for my shorter life so that you can have a peaceful, happy time with your family “ 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Is this quoted word for word? I don't mean to sound rude, but it's quite difficult to understand and I would assume from someone for whom English is a second language? Unless of course you are quoting from memory?

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 20:33

@LIZS i was studying in London and we were seeing each other for 3 years before getting married. She was already working for 3 years with him at his office. When I got married I used to go to his office and found her behaviour very awkward. Like for example she would touch him or bend over to him to show files. It just cringe me sometimess and I asked him also , he said she’s like that- mannerless. Slowly I stopped coming to office as I got busy with my own stuffs- Education, kid and everything. My manager who still works for me always used to tell me that she’s not comfortable with “the secretary “being present around boss. Over the years she told me many times, she doesn’t feel right. But I ignored her. But just a year and half ago she mentioned again and I just picked up his phone and went through his messages. That’s when I came across these messages. Basically she had been with him for more years than me.

i just wonder did all these attachments started after marriage or was it before marriage.

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 21/06/2022 20:33

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:20

@FallopianTubeTrain question is if he really loved her then why didn’t he married her at the first place ? What are they waiting for ? She handles all his business, emails and he’s pretty much dependent on her for everything. I am so scared !!!!!!!!

Any number of reasons. She's from the wrong background/culture, she's older than him and he doesn't like that in a wife, he wanted a woman who is a trophy wife type, he wanted a rich wife, she didn't want children, his parents would disapprove....

Lots of reasons

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 20:34

@SuziSecondLaw it’s exactly how she has written it.

OP posts:
Flaunch · 21/06/2022 20:41

Are you and the secretary from the same back ground as you write in exactly the same way?

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 20:45

@Flaunch I don’t know about her but I am from Sri Lanka. Because I try to write too fast so grammar/punctuation go up for a toss.

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 21/06/2022 20:49

But yeah that last message sounds like he's strung her along all through her late 20s and 30s saying he will eventually leave you but not meaning it.

Hire a PI or you need to get access to his computer/phone/email etc.