Husband and his secretary

[Lovebites]

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

I think it’s odd that your focus is more on her and thinking she’s in the wrong when she’s not the one doing anything wrong - your husband is the one that’s married.
Maybe you should be focusing more on the type of man he is and not the women he’s having affairs with.

@CallOnMe I do have an argument with him many times about this and today is no exception. He’s having his share of punishment but I am also after girl because she knew me. I came to office everyday, used to talk with her about office work, seen my child coming to office and still dreaming to have my husband. She’s a woman , does she not have any ethic or values ? She will get many men but what will happen of me ? Had she not thought about this ? If my husband is not accepting her after so many years, doesn’t she have self respect to just leave. PAthetic woman !

For one, your rude behaviour and manners is omg, and two, at best it's conjecture, and heresy, nothing concrete, yes it could be concluded that it does look like x, but more p roof is needed.

This thread is bizarre. I’m wondering if it’s even real.

I’m really sorry but your husband is playing both of you. He has clearly been gaslighting you, and has probably being telling her for years he will leave you for her. You are both victims of his behaviour. I completely understand though why you feel the need to blame her, it’s a big shock. As others have said she doesn’t want to be the other woman anymore. Please proceed with caution and get legal advice regarding children and finances no matter what you decide. Sending hugs!

Lets pretend for a minute that it isn't what it looks like and they are not having an affair. So for 12 years there has been rumours about an affair and to this day she is sending him messages and he has done nothing to stop it? This must have hurt his professional life and totally lack of caring of you, your child, secretary and all his colleagues who has to participate in this. Even without sleeping with her he's not coming across great.

This message is also from that girl !!!!! 😫

If my husband is not accepting her after so many years, doesn’t she have self respect to just leave. PAthetic woman

You need to flip this because you're placing all the blame on her when he's your husband.

Turn this around - if your husband is not accepting his responsibility to YOU after all the years, you need to summon the self respect to leave.

Because this relationship is absolutely not making you happy. You don't trust him. He's a cheat. You fight about it often. He has let you down repeatedly. He is secretive. He gaslights you.

And you're so far in denial that you've literally read a message from her to him, outlining how she's put her life on hold for their affair and waited for him to leave you, something he's clearly dangled as a carrot... and you STILL haven't left him and are instead asking if there's anything remotely normal about their dynamic.

Is this really the type of relationship you want to model to your little girl? One where the man cheats, the woman is sad and they fight about it often.

Why aren't you saying "does HE have no ethics or values?" rather than asking us whether she does or not? He's much worse ethically and morally because he's bloody married! And you should see that more than anyone because he's married to YOU!

So three questions for you:

Does HE have good ethics and values? (No, obviously, but I'm interested in your answer)

If your little girl comes to you as an adult and says she's in a relationship just like the one you're in now because she thought it was normal, would you feel happy you stayed with him or feel guilty and regret staying?

Do you genuinely believe there is a chance he hasn't cheated on you with her? Because it's glaringly obvious he has but I'm not clear from your posts whether you've accepted that.

So unless she's talking about covid, which you'd know about, it's an STD he's tested positive for? Which means he's put your sexual health at risk, told her but not you and if she hasn't had whatever he had... he's perhaps cheated with others too?

@wellhelloitsme it’s about covid because he tested two times positive during that time .

If my husband is not accepting her after so many years, doesn’t she have self respect to just leave. PAthetic woman !

She probably feels the same about you.

You have been told about them and seen messages yet you still stay with him and have a child with him.

Who is he treating worse - the women he’s cheating on? Or the women he’s cheating with?
In her eyes he doesn’t like you or respect you else he wouldn’t be cheating.

Some men are able to do two women wrong and treat them both terribly. Yet the women will both blame each other and not the man who is the only one to blame.

Yes she is morally wrong and yes you should have left him - but focusing on each other is just shifting the blame and letting him continue to do as he’s doing.
Neither of you will put your foot down with him as you’re both worried he’ll just go off with the other women.

@CallOnMe he just wouldn’t leave me m. I have tried many times because of course these messages bother me a lot. He has somehow convinced me with his words. Sometimes I just feel , just go out and confront both of them together. That’s it !

@Lovebites

Three questions for you:

1. Does HE have good ethics and values? (No, obviously, but I'm interested in your answer)

1. If your little girl comes to you as an adult and says she's in a relationship just like the one you're in now because she thought it was normal, would you feel happy you stayed with him or feel guilty and regret staying?

1. Do you genuinely believe there is a chance he hasn't cheated on you with her? Because it's glaringly obvious he has but I'm not clear from your posts whether you've accepted that.

If he has nothing to hide he would prove it by allowing access. Tell him that you should both be able to view each others if you have concerns. I would take his actions to indicate something is going on. His not willing to stop what ever it is so either accept his going to play you for a fool or move on.

This

Exactly what I was thinking.

There's a lot of interpretation with the different sources op, we need something that gives concrete certainty, rather than just messages or information from people that can be interpreted to suggest different narratives.

OP i am just curious by your post to be honest , if you find evidence would you leave your husband ? if not, what is it your expecting to happen ? Confront them both and him to leave her and go back to you . If he’s done it with her ,he will find someone else to do it with again . You knew it was happening for 12 years and you choose to ignore it

Please correct me if I’m wrong , If your from Sri Lanka then in your culture if your divorced from your husband it’s classed as a negative thing and you wouldn’t be able to marry again ? If this is the case your not going to leave him and if he is also from Sri Lanka he isn’t going to leave you for her is he as it’s also gonna be negative thing for him.

Also your saying about the messages she’s been clever because she’s not outright saying it to him but it doesn’t mean she isn’t saying it to him , it could be they are written like that so if you saw them he can deny it . your saying she shouldn’t go for a married man well he’s a married man who shouldnt have gone after her !!

I agree.

@Chocolatesandroses it’s not about cultural thing but let’s be honest a divorced woman with a kid, will have a slim chances of finding love again whereas for men it’s so much easier. I’ve seen many women in my daughter’s school who are divorced. They tell me how they were on anti depressants and have so much anxiety thinking about future. On the other hand half of these men are remarried again, living a carefree lif, having kids with other women etc. Its woman who suffer most with a divorce. :(

I don’t Believe this true to be honest , many women remarry after divorce who have kids and find partners and are happy.

@Chocolatesandroses I am not saying 100% happens to all women but look at the statistics it’s much easier for men. It’s a fact , we can’t deny it.

What is it you want to happen ? Your clearly not going to leave him

@Chocolatesandroses the way he treats me it’s very difficult for me. Part of me is still in denial as I think there’s more to it than just these messages. I don’t trust this woman, this is for sure. I want to know more. If I find out that he really loves this b* then there’s no question I will leave him immediately.

@Chocolatesandroses he has been there in most important times of my life . Dark times and happy times. He was there with me holding hands, giving me emotional support, praying for me and crying for me when I was going through health conditions. I can’t forget all that. He still does that, he will be there when I need him. I am so confused !!!!!!!!!!