To make child pay for his own uniform?

[Unifrom]

My child is 8 and is very unorganised, he’s constantly losing his belongings at school and with the cost of living I can’t keep up like this. They never get found/returned despite them all being labelled.

The latest thing is his fleece, that costs £19. Went missing on Monday and hasn’t been handed in, need to sort it. He gets pocket money at £2 per week and saves this up to buy something big, so he can cover this.

Me and DH can’t agree on whether he should have to pay for the cost of a new one out of pocket money.

So AIBU to think it would be a good life lesson for him to have to pay for a replacement? Or is he too young to have to pay for his own uniform?

Yabu

Most 8 Yr olds lose stuff.

Find a a different consequence if you must

My DD constantly looses and forgets stuff. When she was 8 it was coats, lunchboxes, water bottles, cardigans. Now she's older it's football boots, swimming goggles, scouts uniform, homework books, glasses. Still coats occasionally. It drives me absolutely mad. My DS never mislays anything. While I do constantly wonder if she has some kind of condition that makes this more likely, each time it happens my tolerance gets lower. I don't really mind rummaging through lost property at school once or twice a week - I always find a selection of her snack pots, spare water bottles and cardigans there - i wonder how we are going to manage when she goes to secondary and she has to be 100% responsible. I guess she'll have to suffer the consequences and learn. If she has to sit in detention every week for not wearing her tie or bringing her PE kit then that's her problem.

But to answer your question I don't think I'd make an 8 year old pay, although maybe if I had I wouldn't be tearing my hair out every week now?

My youngest kept doing this on his last year at primary school so I told him that the next one he would have to pay for out of his birthday money. He stopped forgetting.

He's also been getting a lot of detentions for silly things lately and obviously detentions didn't seem to be deterrents so I told him the next one I would take his playstation away for a week. He got a detention so it has been confiscated. So far so good, but we shall see.

I think there's a very big difference between allowing a child to face the consequences of their actions (you refuse to wear a coat, you'll get cold and wet and the teachers will moan at you) and punishing a child for something they haven't done deliberately. You sound like a Mum I know, and your 8 year old sounds like her son. On the surface he's very capable, he puts his own clothes away, takes care of his stuff, she tells me how wonderful and mature he is. Except when he comes over mine to stay he tells me how much he loves being at our house because it's fun, and I observe that he's really a very anxious boy just under the surface.

@QuotetheLaw

I hope so! However the situation you describe is close to home for me. I understand where you're coming from and that you have the best of intentions. Speaking from experience, my mother raised me that same way too from a young age. Children communicate with behaviour. My emotional needs etc weren't met and I wasn't taught a healthy, acceptable way to communicate my feelings. As soon as your child was old enough that's what you should have been doing. Before that point you should have been watching out for those needs yourself, that was your role as parent. You should have been managing your 2 year old better because you should be paying attention to their needs and they should not be so worn out that they are crying and screaming and throwing tantrums and if they are then you need to find out what's wrong and fix that. whether that's tiredness due to a long day, hunger, stress, or even in need of some 1 on 1 time. I could go on. You should have been bonding with them. At 2, your child wont be thinking that if they throw food they wont get it again. Punishments should not ensue neglect. In fact you should not be giving your 2 year old consequences. Its not their responsibility. What I have said isn't just my opinion, you clearly haven't researched child brain development. I stand by what I said, your behaviour towards your children has been appalling. But you likely wont want to accept that because you did what you thought was best, they're grown now and the damage has been done etc

YABU
Not like an 8yo earns money or manages any substantial savings. Its your money.
Can he go without the lost item? Or can you get the cheapest possible/ second hand replacement?
If you really want to punish him, find an extra chore or take away screens.

I said this time I’ll just take 2 weeks money as a contribution and he can put the washing away too but if it happens again then he will need to cover it.
So is putting the washing away part of his punishment?

Honestly @QuotetheLaw all you need to worry about is how your children have turned out. It sounds to me like you're proud of them. I'm very close to you in my parenting, which is why I had to comment. I have 3ish fabulous kids (third one is still up for question as she's year 1) and your comments resonate far more than those insisting their way is the rightway.

Stop buying new…. Charity shops are perfect especially when kids are small and grow over night

Yes Yabu

Ds's uniform was extortionate, after the second time that was lost and £15 a pop we told him he'd be paying for the next one. Never lost another one! He was 9.

@QuotetheLaw
You don’t need to justify yourself or your parenting to certain posters.
Their self righteousness blinds them to other’s perspectives, knowledges and experiences.

**TIE

unifrom and the other normal parents on here.
please don’t take any notice of the nutters and bleeding hearts on this thread whose kids are obviously too stupid to retain clothes or don’t give a shit because mummy constantly makes excuses for their carelessness.
it’s not ok for 8 year olds to constantly lose stuff and leave it places to be lost and it’s absolutely fine to punish them when it happens repeatedly. In the real world rather than the mumsnet ‘you must never punish kids because they may need therapy’ world most parents would do this.
As a secondary school teacher I see the results of idiotic parenting like that shown on here. Kids with no sense of responsibility, kids who think everything is someone else’s fault, kids who stare at me blankly at the concept that they should have brought a pen to my lesson and I thank parents like you who have instilled a different attitude. Please keep doing what you are doing. X

The only time I have heard of someone doing something similar was a stepmother. Her new stepdaughter, aged 9, was helping to unpack the shopping. There was a giant box of soap powder and the little girl

tried to lift it and dropped it. It burst open and soap powder went all over the floor. Stepmummy said the child would have no pocket money until the powder was paid for.
What do adults get out of treating children like that?

SammyScrounge
and what does a story of a girl accidentally dropping a box of washing powder have to do with a boy repeatedly leaving clothes all over the school and not bothering to go and pick them up?

I'm confused. If you are giving an 8 year old child £2 a week, is it not to teach them about money? Why would an 8 year old child need £2 a week? Surely the parent will buy anything the child needs?

In the same breath, if an 8 year old child who is receiving £2 a week has no actual concept of money, property and responsibility has to pay for the lost property, why would it do them harm?

I don't think your tactic is cruel at all OP. I think if an 8 year old would be disappointed about losing their £2 allowance, then they would also have the capacity to understand that money can be lost. It's not as if you are going to deprive them.

I think it is fine for your DS to make a small contribution towards a replacement. Children have to learn to take responsibility for their possessions and that they can’t just be replaced like that.

However, like PP have stated, you need a system to help him. So going through a list of things to bring back, checking at pick up times if he has everything. If he takes the fleece/jumper off, to put it in his bag/tray straight away. If he used his coat as a goalpost 😁 to remember to pick it up once the game is over.

Totally get your frustration, but I don't think you can do this!
Speak to your school about uniform grants (it will be treated confidentially) or look into getting secondhand. My school sells all the unclaimed lost property - as well as secondhand uniform - for £1 a piece. Maybe your parent council could start something similar if not already in place.

I think this kind of responsibility is too much for an 8 year old its really their parents job to be picking up after them so they can be carefree and play. You shouldnt be putting your job onto them. You shouldnt be involving them in your finances either or scaring them with it. what did you say to make your poor child offer up 10 weeks worth of their £2 a week pittance

I think learning to take care of your own belongings is actually a very age appropriate responsibility for an 8 year old, I’m hardly telling him to buy all his own clothes and wash them.

I didn’t involve him in my finances, I informed him how much his uniform costs in terms he can understand (1 fleece = 1 Lego set = 10 weeks pocket money)

I didn’t ask him to offer all of the money, He just accepted that he didn’t take care of it and said he had ‘lots of money’ so he can pay for it and he won’t do it again. Showing he already is grasping taking responsibility for himself. I declined but let him know that if it happens again then I will be asking him to pay for it.

He doesn’t need his £2 a week, everything is bought for him, it’s a novelty to help him understand money and this has helped further.

I don’t understand why you’re not trying to get it back. It must be somewhere, and if it’s all labelled then it’ll be easy to spot. So wasteful to buy more when you could just put some effort into finding it.

I didn’t ask him to offer all of the money, He just accepted that he didn’t take care of it and said he had ‘lots of money’ so he can pay for it and he won’t do it again. Showing he already is grasping taking responsibility for himself. I declined but let him know that if it happens again then I will be asking him to pay for it.

Actually this is really positive - that he's willing to take responsibility for his own actions - and that's a sign of good parenting IMO. I don't know why people are trying to make out you're a monster.