To make child pay for his own uniform?

[Unifrom]

My child is 8 and is very unorganised, he’s constantly losing his belongings at school and with the cost of living I can’t keep up like this. They never get found/returned despite them all being labelled.

The latest thing is his fleece, that costs £19. Went missing on Monday and hasn’t been handed in, need to sort it. He gets pocket money at £2 per week and saves this up to buy something big, so he can cover this.

Me and DH can’t agree on whether he should have to pay for the cost of a new one out of pocket money.

So AIBU to think it would be a good life lesson for him to have to pay for a replacement? Or is he too young to have to pay for his own uniform?

I have a bright 8yr old who is careless with his stuff and I think some of this responses are a bit OTT.

I hear your frustration OP. Do you pick up? I stand on the playground and make sure ds has everything I expect him to have - jumper, hat, reading book etc. And if he hasn't I send him back in EVERYDAY. And if that makes it late for someone to go home or lock up for after school or whatever then ok. But I have noticed he seems to have got better at having all his belongings at the endnof the day. Whether Staff are more aware of his carelessness and sorting him out or whether they are getting on at him to ensure he sorts it himself I neither know nor care but its working.

What actions specifically? Taking his fleece off for PE?

At my son's school there is a central lost property box where parents can go to look for lost property. DS lost his hat and I checked it daily for weeks. On week six I opened the box and there was the missing hat! The best time to check the box at my son's school is the first day back after a holiday because it's during the holiday that teachers/cleaners pick up all the random pieces of clothing with no home and dump them all in the box. I wouldn't give up finding it yet.

Is there a class app, Whatapp or Facebook page. You could ask parents to check their child's fleece for your son's name. DS came from school recently with another child's jumper on. Thanks to the school app everyone got the correct jumper back in the end.

When DS comes out of school I always check if he has everything. When he came out of school today he didn't have his jumper. He said he left it on the bench and forgot to pick it up. We went to the bench, it was still there with several others. Always check their stuff daily as it's easier to work out where it went.

For the next fleece, my son's school recommends that you personalise them by adding a keyring or coloured zipper pull to the zip, so your child can easily identify theirs and other kids can see it's not their one when it's home time.

I keep telling DS that if wants to take his jumper off he should tie it round his waist until he is passing the cloak area when he can then stuff it into his bag as he is passing.

As mentioned, his actions are:

• Carelessly taking out and leaving his belongings at play time, in strange locations ‘by a bench’ ‘under a tree’ ‘near the climbing frame’
• Not going back for said belonging, as he either ‘forgot’ or ‘thought he’d find them at next break’
• doesn’t tell whoever picks him up until he’s home with them, then causally mentions he lost something at lunchtime.

As his actions have a financial consequence for me, I felt the best solution was to impose a financial consequence for him.

I don't actually think you have a clue what you are on about! Are you an expert in psychology? I see many different types of 8 year olds. Some are responsible, some are not. Some are products of thoughtless parenting. 8 year olds are clever and resourceful. There isn't anything wrong with challenging them and being an active parent!

There is a lot going on at school.
They are expecting me to come straight in when the bell rings.
I think the best natural consequence is doing without his fleece for the time being (it's pretty much summer) , or buying him a pta second hand one.
I can't see why you would want to make him purchase a new one (for him to lose).

*expecting them

And you think fining him for stuff he’s already lost will improve his memory?

Yes, I think it would. I think he’d take better care not to lose his stuff if he knew he’d be the one paying for it.

YABVU

I think you're living in as world with only two positions here.

Either your son has no capacity and so cannot be responsible for losing his stuff.

Or he has full capacity and bears full responsibility. If he loses stuff is not because he might not have full capacity, it's because he's lazy and careless.
Reality is this is a false dichotomy. Your son has some capacity and some responsibility but he's still learning.

I don't think punishing someone who's still learning for failing to learn quick enough is ever going to help. You want your boy to internalise into his personality a helpful encouraging patient firm mum - who he can take with him to help him along as he becomes more independent.

You don't want him to internalise a punitive authoritarian impatient mother - who when he is older will be with him always to tell him he is too slow to learn and too careless and doesn't measure up.

10weeks pocket money ... that's massive!

I put £50 a week into a savings account. Putting it into perspective it's the equivalent of charging me £500 for losing my coat!

Have u told him in advance you will stop his pocket money for 10w if he loses his coat?

Or, he’ll continue to lose stuff because of his cognitive development and he’ll be punished at the same time.

Why is it not her fault. Why do you not want to encourage her to find strategies to be less forgetful and disorganised?
She may grow out of it I suppose but at what point do you expect her to learn to take better care of her belongings?

I put £50 a week into a savings account. Putting it into perspective it's the equivalent of charging me £500 for losing my coat!

No, it’s the equivalent of you losing your £500 coat and then replacing it from your savings. But given you have £50 a week to spare to savings during a cost of living crisis, I’m sure you wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a £19 fleece.

I agree that he is still young and still learning, but I’m hoping receiving a consequence will push him to take some responsibility.
It reminds me of when he was younger, he used to hide his dirty washing down the side of his bed rather than take it to the basket, so I stopped hunting for them and washing it, and instead let him run out of socks until he had to wear shoes with no socks which he hated - he never did it again.

im sure I’ll be called evil for that too but I do believe that imposing consequences can help children to learn.

I don’t think im a ‘ authoritarian impatient mother‘, I have an amazing relationship with my kids, but I also don’t think the sun shines out of their arses and realise that it’s also my job to help them mature and learn.

He proved to me what an amazing boy he is during our chat today, I have no doubt that I’m doing a great job with him actually.

If I lost a £500 coat I wouldn't be buying a new one! It would be a second hand one or a cheaper new one. Does the child want to spend ten weeks pocket money on a fleece or would they prefer second hand or a supermarket one?

Don't be mean! Kids this age lose stuff! Just buy a £2 jumper second hand and too big and go from there

How old was he with the sock thing?

My dds were always losing jumpers and cardigans.
I just switched to buying cheap plain ones from Asda. I seem to remember at one point they were reduced to £3.00 so I bought maybe 10 in varying sizes!
Funnily enough the cheap plain ones always found their way back!
And the school did have the expensive ones on the uniform list. I just ignored it.

This is so sad:( poor little soul please don't take his pocket money... As for the recent most about remembering making him wear shoes with no socks(!?!?) That is cruel and undignified, nothing to boast about regardless of whether you had the outcome you wanted from it or not.

Successful how? Did it help them to understand how to look after their stuff? Or did it make them fear the consequences? Did it help them learn, or did it sow resentment?

OP as I said before I agree with you although wouldn’t take the full amount from him. For me it wasn’t the losing that was the problem: it was the not caring that he lost the sweatshirts because he knew mummy would just replace them so he didn’t actually care that he had lost them: using my dad’s phrase “easy come easy go” putting a monetary value on the sweatshirts meant he actually looked for them and found them as he didn’t want to have to use his money to pay for them again. He was an 8/9 year old with absolutely no SEN at all. He was just lazy and dare I say it, a little bit spoilt. I absolutely don’t think it’s too much to expect an 8 year olds to find a jumper

It seems like a lot of people on this thread have unrealistic expectations of childhood development.