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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Patience thin with SIL

194 replies

ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:32

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2022 21:47

She’s being a dick, but mumsnet is not the place where people will say that

Haven’t you read the thread? Almost everyone has said that the sil was out of order sending those memes.

whynotwhatknot · 29/04/2022 22:22

Oh the old i dont want to censor myself-its called beig kind and tactful

shes a dick

Nancydrawn · 30/04/2022 01:07

Fuck's sake what a solipsistic and unimaginative dick she's being.

Also, on a side note, who texts memes unironically? So weird.

Superhanz · 30/04/2022 03:02

You sound lovely Zilly and your SIL sounds like an insensitive twat.

Regardless if that's how she feels why the hell is she sending those memes to you? Surely anyone who wasn't totally lacking in empathy could see that they would be hurtful.

These kind of memes or people spouting this you can't know true love until your a mother I feel sad for them that their other relationships are so lacking. People used to say it to me before I had my daughter but not only was it hurtful, I knew it wasn't true as the love I felt for my two nephews was completely unconditional. But of course, I 'wouldn't know til I had my own' or 'look how much you love the boys, imagine how you'd be if it was your own child'.

Now I have my daughter who I love with every fibre of my being, but I've known great love even before she came along.

stuntbubbles · 30/04/2022 03:16

What a shame for her that only motherhood has given her life meaning. Sucks for her marriage, friendships, and other relationships, but oh well.

I can’t believe she said that to your face! She sounds spectacularly stupid. Good on you for going round in person, and for confronting the whole business.

LetitiaLeghorn · 30/04/2022 05:04

She's sending the same sort of memes about her dog as she is the baby so that's just who she is. I have a friend who sends me loads of these kinds of things. They make me roll my eyes but I just ignore or delete. She's doing it with good intentions so I never say anything.

Herejustforthisone · 30/04/2022 06:12

Well, we’ve leaned a little more about her in the way she reacted to your utterly reasonable message and conversation.

Defending her right to send motherhood memes to a woman painfully infertile is really shit.

Hopefully she’s just s as bit self obsessed at the moment rather than a total dickhead.

BakeOffRewatch · 30/04/2022 06:30

Just adding my agreement to @Triffid1 , @whynotwhatknot and @timeisnotaline ’s posts.

”I don’t want to self censor” = “I don’t want to behave considerately of other people”.

Please be wary of putting your emotional needs aside for this person, especially as you take on the emotionally intense process of the foster process and fostering itself.

runnerswimmer · 30/04/2022 06:34

This really irritates me, you SIL probably realised she was being an insensitive bitch but didnt have the balls to properly apologise, instead she's trying to save face by giving an explanation which is just as offensive.

I hope in a few months when the hormones have died down she gives you a proper apology.

onewednesdayindecember · 30/04/2022 06:56

SarahSissions · 29/04/2022 21:37

She’s being a dick, but mumsnet is not the place where people will say that. You don’t say to anyone that “you can’t possibly know love if your not a mother” let alone someone who is struggling as you are.
speak to your brother, she needs reining in.

What?! It’s exactly the place where people will say that. That’s what everyone has been saying!

OP I agree with PP that I think you need to be careful around your sil. She sounds extremely self centred and insensitive. I don’t think she’ll one day realise what she’s been like and regret it as some people have suggested. But maybe that’s because I’m too cynical.

You will definitely be an excellent foster mother with the patience and understanding you’ve shown in this situation!

DangerouslyBored · 30/04/2022 06:57

‘You’ll never know true love until you become a mother’

Has to be the smuggest sentence ever uttered. And it’s utter bollocks.

Considering your SiL is aware of your fertility issues, she’s a thoughtless twat. Sending you memes like that. The epitome of solipsism.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 30/04/2022 10:22

hmm. Whilst on one level they have backed down (the apology no longer demanded of YOU…) on the other she has actually double downed by reiterating the truth (to her) of the hurtful memes. She is clearly very self centred and you are showing remarkable restraint.

I try and tell my children that before they say something to someone they should consider

is it true

is it kind

is it helpful

Even if 1 is met in her eyes, it is not kind and now helpful to say it to you.

I would like to think she would learn over time and be mortified but I suspect she is the type you won’t. Will probably be older and go round upsetting people with the mantle that she “calls a spade a spade” and everyone is expected to tippy tor around her. Beware the SIL OP and keep your guard up.

Thehop · 30/04/2022 10:27

I’d have to passively aggressively respond with a “well, that’s me fucked then!” To her stupid memes in the hopes she stops and then actually say “can we stick to pictures please? I love Johnny but the memes are a bit of a shitty stick to beat myself with”

splishsplashsploshsplish · 01/05/2022 06:09

Thehop · 30/04/2022 10:27

I love this response!

Original poster

ZillyZel · 01/05/2022 07:23

I really appreciate all the posters taking time to reply, thank you. I completely understand the advice to be just a bit wary and not give too much of myself.

SIL and I have always got along and I've never had any cause to think badly of her, but I admit, after reflecting on it the past few days, she can be a little self-asorbed (but then can't we all sometimes!).

I definitely don't want to cause a rift over something like this, I wouldn't want to potentially damage my relationship with her/my nephew/my brother.

I think I have to accept that for whatever reason, she doesn't understand the pain and can't quite see where I was coming from, but she doesn't mean any malice. She hasn't sent anything else at all to me, which is unusual, she must be a bit sore over it.

I'll be seeing her again tomorrow as we have a family meet up, will bake a cake and be bright and breezy; hopefully she'll be back to usual minus memes after that.

I expect my fostering journey will be filled with challenges and push me to new limits, so I want to focus on being forgiving, understanding and strong. and hide the petrified!

OP posts:

ssd · 01/05/2022 07:43

Op, don't forget to be nice to yourself as well as everyone else. Standing up for yourself and looking after yourself doesn't make you a bad person.

TheOccupier · 01/05/2022 22:35

SIL sounds like an utter cunt. Be prepared for her to treat any children you foster/adopt in future as second-class citizens.

billy1966 · 02/05/2022 17:06

@TheOccupier

Excellent point and highly likely.

She's the type of PITA that would claim that bonding with an adoptee wouldn't compare.

OP, please protect yourself from this woman going forward.

ssd · 02/05/2022 18:44

I agree. I think the ops insistence in telling us how lovely her SIL is speaks volumes. She sounds almost scared to rock the boat with her and her db. And db sounds under the thumb, insisting on the apology so soon.
I feel SIL likes it all her own way and usually gets it.

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