Patience thin with SIL

[ZillyZel]

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

Yeah your further posts indicate she's insensitive and self absorbed not just temporarily caught up in new baby fog.

You've been very kind to have put up with this as long as you have.

Hi @ZillyZel I think your message is great and very sensitive. She still may kick off so be aware of that but I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to say no to the memes and the message is perfectly reasonable also. Sorry to hear of your troubles and wishing you all the best with fostering 💐

Well put!

I've just had a call from my brother, SIL is very upset with my message and says I should apologise right away. 😞 she says this is "their time and I'm trying to make it about me."

I'll message her to apologise to smooth it over. Thank you so much for the sensitive and kind replies, it means a lot.

I agree, I think what SIL is doing is nasty and insensitive. I’d be itching to reply ‘don’t you feel sad your child will never really love you?’ When she says that the love a mother feels for a child is the only real love. Who would even think to say that to someone struggling with TTC/becoming a parent.

What are you intending to say to smooth it over? You absolutely aren’t in the wrong over those memes and you shouldn’t apologise for saying something about it.

Thank you, I'm really excited about the prospect of fostering, I've been focusing on researching trauma, attachment issues etc as I'd like to foster older children/sibling groups - I might have a useless body but I think I can offer buckets of love and stability!

I don't think you should have to apologise to her op, she is the one in the wrong not you, and now she feels stupid it's been pointed out to her how insensitive she is so is trying to put the blame on you and make you the bad guy in this, don't let her do that.
Stick to your guns.
What was your brothers reaction to it all?

Like fuck would I be apologising to them for that message. She should be apologising to you.

I'm not sure to be honest - perhaps along the lines of 'sorry you're upset, I'm here if you want to chat about it.'

I hate any bad feeling/conflict, I agree she's been insensitive but with reflection she does lack a little emotional maturity so it's not purposeful as such. Maybe i was wrong to point it out.

DB has text asking if I've apologised yet. I'm going to go for a run before I do anything I think!

You poor thing having such a ridiculous SIL @ZillyZel For context - friend kept sending me bump pics when I was mid my 6th round of IVF. I asked if she could stop and she apologised profusely for upsetting me and didn’t send any more. When her baby arrives she was v sensitive to me.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a self centred bitch. I would honestly reply and say you will apologise to SIL when she apologises to you for sending you messages saying you’ll never know real love. You’d wonder what the point of it all is when lovely people like you can’t have children and your idiot of a SIL can!

Can you text your DB back and say does he think it’s ok for his wife to tell you you will never know real love.

@ZillyZel you were not in the wrong to point it out. If someone is doing something hurtful it is completely reasonable to ask them to stop.

It doesn't matter if she didn't know it was hurtful, she knows now and is presumably an adult who should be able to accept your message and refrain from doing it again. I hope her reaction is because she is mortified with herself and once she calms down she apologises 🤞

DB has a nerve. WhatsApp him her mother's love BS meme and explain that it was very insensitive. Do not apologise, your SIL sounds like a dose.

Did you say she was a nurse?? If she says shit like that to her own family god knows what she says to her patients. My senior nurse colleague said to me 'I know your struggling to have children but why do you get a dog, I love my dog' she also has 2 children 🙄

The reason why your Bro has rang as she knows she's in the wrong and trying to twist it. Do not apologise. I would say I'm not sure what you took from my message, I love getting all the lovely pictures of my nephew, please don't stop sending them but the memes can be hurtful to people who can't be parents.

THIS!

Don't take it personally. Just unfollow her.
I agree you don't know 'that kind of love' until you have a child as it's incomparable to anything else!

Oh please do not apologise. She’s been insensitive she needs to apologise to you! Ask your brother where your apology is and leave it at that. Ridiculous.

I think she should be apologising to you.

"their time" = "how dare you notice my thoughtlessness."

Seriously is this necessary on a thread with op saying how hurtful she is finding someone saying this to her?
Your just as bad as the SIL

And if you read properly you would see she is sending them direct to op via WhatsApp.

Please don't apologise.

"No, DB, I haven't apologised and I won't be. I am so happy for you and SIL but her messages have been hurtful, especially considering she is fully aware of all the pain DH and I have been through. I love seeing photos of nephew, but there is no need to tell me you can't know love until you're a mother when that is something that will never be an option for me. It's been very upsetting for me but I haven't said anything as I didn't want to burst SIL's new baby bubble."

Oh, and OP - just in case you were in any doubt: I have two kids but of course I bloody knew what love was before they were born. Utter tripe.

They are not allowed to rub it in family members faces when they know they cannot get pregnant. That is insensitive and SIL should be apologising to OP.
OP I wouldn't apologise, you have nothing to be sorry for. I hope you enjoy your run

And here is the sis in law: @Katesboy8 what a silly thing to say, it's like me saying you don't know 'the kind of love' I have for my husband because you don't have a husband like him. Or like 'I love my mother the most as she's so amazing'.

I’m honestly so fed up of mothers thinking everyone should kow-tow to them and that they can do and say what they want ‘because they are mothers’. I am pregnant now after a long fertility struggle and really hope I don’t turn into a self absorbed twat.

@Katesboy8 what exactly are you hoping to achieve by saying you agree with the SIL when op has already said this hurts her? Have you no self awareness at all? 🙄🙄

This is a great message to send