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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Patience thin with SIL

194 replies

ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:32

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/04/2022 18:15

I’m going to say that I don’t think she’s very nice at all. She knows you have tried and failed to conceive yet still sends you these memes directly? What a bitch! I don’t care how high she is as a new mum, that is either thoughtless and inconsiderate or downright pointed and nasty.

violetbunny · 28/04/2022 18:21

Any sensible person would be mortified they had been so insensitive. Do not apologise, you have nothing to apologise for!

billy1966 · 28/04/2022 18:23

She sounds so obtuse.

Don't hesitate to show what you are being sent.

Even as a mother I think those meme are a complete cringe fest, only sent by complete idiots.

You sound like a wonderful woman.

LadyEloise10 · 28/04/2022 18:41

@Shedcity
The sil knows that the OP has had infertility problems and will never carry a baby.
The sil is an insensitive *itch !

CurlyBurley · 28/04/2022 18:57

She's not lovely, is she? You sent her a really thoughtful message and she can't see it from your side at all. It's really insensitive of her to send you those memes when she knows what you've been through. I'm irritated on your behalf.

CuddlyCactus · 28/04/2022 19:00

I definitely don't want to cause a 'thing' over this with them, but at the same time I do think it's important I point out how inappropriate/insensitive the memes are, sent to me personally, in context of my infertility.

Absolutely! You cannot (and nor should you) control what she posts on SM. But to send stuff to you directly which she knows will cause upset if she stops to think about it for 3 seconds is insensitive.

I would be inclined to say "I know how tired you must be and not thinking straight at the moment. I love seeing the baby, the photos and the little updates but you must realise how upsetting some of the memes are to someone with fertility problems. I was quite shocked you had sent those to me, I thought you understood my problems"

EvilPea · 28/04/2022 19:50

I don’t think your wrong to point it out. You won’t be the only one who feels sensitive about her posts. She’s being very insensitive.
as for making it about you Confused the world doesn’t revolve around her now she’s a mum, she should still be considerate.
in the words of the office “just because she let someone blow his beans up her muff”

EL8888 · 28/04/2022 22:31

Sadly l don’t think people often are tactful or thoughtful about fertility issues. They don’t think then are too quick to say you’re “being too sensitive” etc. She’s got what she’s wanted, the least she can do is not bombard you with the dickhead memes

I got a message earlier today from a “friend” banging on about how hard it is being 30 odd weeks pregnant. She knows we have bad fertility issues so why would l want to hear this? Especially when it sounds like start to our 3rd IVF cycle isn’t going well.

Magenta82 · 29/04/2022 11:15

I hope it went well when you spoke with them @ZillyZel hopefully your brother misunderstood the issue when he asked for an apology.

whynotwhatknot · 29/04/2022 12:22

I wouldnt go over there before syaing to db you have nothing apolgise for-shes sending bloodymemes directly to you

if you start apologising it will never stop

Crayfishforyou · 29/04/2022 12:47

Yanbu for the memes. They are insensitive and thoughtless. I hated it when friends would post things like that. I was told I didn’t know anything as I didn’t have kids. I’m fairly certain having a degree, a driving licence, a job, travelling would come under knowing stuff.
the baby pictures I can only have envy for, I was too exhausted and traumatised to do that. But I wish I had.

Original poster
ZillyZel · 29/04/2022 13:31

Thank you for the replies! I wanted to update.

Spoke briefly with DB yesterday evening, he apologised for his demand of apology 🙄and said he was just trying to help, as SIL had phoned him in tears. I suggested popping over, which I did do this morning.

SIL was more or less her usual self with me and neither of us brought it up straight away - nephew takes over! But I did open it up by saying that although I don't talk about my experience of infertility and I'm generally quite stoic, that seeing memes saying that Motherhood is the be all and end all, are painful at the moment. And I didn't want to keep feeling a pang of pain everytime a message came through from her - I wanted to just be excited to see the many nephew photos.

She nodded and said she understood, but also said she didn't want to feel like she should censor herself (fair enough) and this is genuinely how she feels about Motherhood - that she has found true meaning in life by being his mum and nothing compares (again, fair enough, and she's a great mum).

Neither of us apologised but things were left aired at least. And hopefully no more memes sent to me personally!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 29/04/2022 13:43

A result (of sorts).

I seriously doubt if she understands. If she really 'gets' your situation.
If she sends you another meme, you send it straight on to your brother and he can have a word with his wife. Like it or not, he's going to get caught in the middle here. She might not want to censor what she sends out but she could definitely decide better who her recipient audience might be!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2022 13:49

You’re immensely gracious and emotionally mature. She’s lucky. The wanky things that she comes out aren’t deserving of your kindness or understanding.

10HailMarys · 29/04/2022 13:59

ZillyZel · 29/04/2022 13:31

Thank you for the replies! I wanted to update.

Spoke briefly with DB yesterday evening, he apologised for his demand of apology 🙄and said he was just trying to help, as SIL had phoned him in tears. I suggested popping over, which I did do this morning.

SIL was more or less her usual self with me and neither of us brought it up straight away - nephew takes over! But I did open it up by saying that although I don't talk about my experience of infertility and I'm generally quite stoic, that seeing memes saying that Motherhood is the be all and end all, are painful at the moment. And I didn't want to keep feeling a pang of pain everytime a message came through from her - I wanted to just be excited to see the many nephew photos.

She nodded and said she understood, but also said she didn't want to feel like she should censor herself (fair enough) and this is genuinely how she feels about Motherhood - that she has found true meaning in life by being his mum and nothing compares (again, fair enough, and she's a great mum).

Neither of us apologised but things were left aired at least. And hopefully no more memes sent to me personally!

I think this seems like a good result, really. You were absolutely reasonable (and very polite) in explaining why you found the motherhood platitudes difficult to receive personally. SIL has been an idiot, and although I think she should have apologised, it sounds like she does realise what she did wrong even if she's not fully admitting it.

Obviously she shouldn't have to self-censor, but clearly sending you memes directly about motherhood is very different from general baby chat and Facebook shares and it's not self-censorship to refrain from bombarding one person with things they find upsetting. My guess is that she's actually secretly a bit mortified and embarrassed that she was so caught up in her baby excitement that she forgot to consider your feelings, and is being defensive to try and deflect that.

Crying about it to your brother was ridiculous and if I were being charitable I'd put it down to hormones, but jeez.

Either way - sounds like you've cleared the air and things will be good from now on. Enjoy your new nephew - and best of your luck with your fostering plans! You' sound lovely and I bet you'll be a fab foster parent.

JenniferBarkley · 29/04/2022 14:14

ZillyZel · 29/04/2022 13:31

Thank you for the replies! I wanted to update.

Spoke briefly with DB yesterday evening, he apologised for his demand of apology 🙄and said he was just trying to help, as SIL had phoned him in tears. I suggested popping over, which I did do this morning.

SIL was more or less her usual self with me and neither of us brought it up straight away - nephew takes over! But I did open it up by saying that although I don't talk about my experience of infertility and I'm generally quite stoic, that seeing memes saying that Motherhood is the be all and end all, are painful at the moment. And I didn't want to keep feeling a pang of pain everytime a message came through from her - I wanted to just be excited to see the many nephew photos.

She nodded and said she understood, but also said she didn't want to feel like she should censor herself (fair enough) and this is genuinely how she feels about Motherhood - that she has found true meaning in life by being his mum and nothing compares (again, fair enough, and she's a great mum).

Neither of us apologised but things were left aired at least. And hopefully no more memes sent to me personally!

Christ but she's a dick. You're a very kind and understanding person OP, much more than I would be in your shoes.

Sally872 · 29/04/2022 14:38

You have the patience of a Saint. Glad brother apologised and air cleared with SIL. Hopefully can blow over now. Well done.

RandomMess · 29/04/2022 14:42

Sounds like SIL is oblivious to how many other people in her wider circle of friends/family/acquaintances that she may have offended/hurt/devastated with her memes that imply if you aren't a Mum you aren't "anything".

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2022 14:53

Ugh. Everyone censors themselves. All the time. Even husbands and wives. During the worst arguments, you still don’t say the things that would really hurt. Your sil is incredibly self centred. One day she will know hurt and she had better hope the people around her are more understanding and less self centred than she is.

billy1966 · 29/04/2022 15:07

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2022 14:53

Ugh. Everyone censors themselves. All the time. Even husbands and wives. During the worst arguments, you still don’t say the things that would really hurt. Your sil is incredibly self centred. One day she will know hurt and she had better hope the people around her are more understanding and less self centred than she is.

Too right.

She is a weapon.

The OP is so kind.

That woman is certainly not lovely.

Notonthestairs · 29/04/2022 15:29

My world would pretty much grind to a halt if I didn't self censor...but maybe that says more about me!

Glad things have settled down Op. nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself, I hope she respects that.

Triffid1 · 29/04/2022 15:30

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2022 14:53

Ugh. Everyone censors themselves. All the time. Even husbands and wives. During the worst arguments, you still don’t say the things that would really hurt. Your sil is incredibly self centred. One day she will know hurt and she had better hope the people around her are more understanding and less self centred than she is.

This. FFS. I have self censored myself half a dozen times this morning already. It's part of being mature, socially aware adults.

I'm glad you feel better about it but I have to say that I think you should be just a smidgeon careful with this woman in the future because she's clearly very self centred and selfish, even if she really doesn't mean to be.

CuddlyCactus · 29/04/2022 15:37

I think SIL sounds immature.
In a few years she'll look back at what she posted and all the people she subjected to it and be rightly mortified.
You'll probably ind other people who are already mothers are laughing at her behind her backConfused

splishsplashsploshsplish · 29/04/2022 21:26

Honestly, I think this is the best outcome. You both said your price and listened to the other.

I was in a very similar situation with one of my best friends. She fell pregnant very quickly, (first try!) and we had already tried for 8 years to no avail. And when she had her baby, she went completely overboard, all of which I accepted. But, I eventually broke down and cried, (which I felt terrible about as I did not want to impact negatively on the newborn time, it's so short!), she was ever so gentle and kind with me. She didn't say sorry, (and I didn't think she had to) but she did say to me that just as I could be happy for her, she could be sad for me. Sharing my sadness would not take away the joy with the new baby, and we would always be side by side, no matter what.
I really appreciated that and I hope that you are all able to consider each other dont send any more fucking memes and to move forward from this.

SarahSissions · 29/04/2022 21:37

She’s being a dick, but mumsnet is not the place where people will say that. You don’t say to anyone that “you can’t possibly know love if your not a mother” let alone someone who is struggling as you are.
speak to your brother, she needs reining in.