Patience thin with SIL

[ZillyZel]

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

Good god. So it's OK for her to hurt you (albeit unintentionally) but you aren't allowed to point that out and ask her to stop in a kind manner?

And what exactly are you making "all about you"? You've messaged her privately with lots of positive comments on her, her child. And politely ask that she doesn't send you directly these memes and explained why.

I'll bet BIL doesn't have the full story. Once you're ready, give him a call and ask if you can talk through your message and your feelings.

Things like this demonstrate the need for a vomiting emoji if there isn't one already.
When she starts the inevitable moaning about how difficult it is, etc etc etc suggest she spends less time on SM and more looking after her baby, Why do these women think they're something special just because they've given birth with their rubbishy little messages?

If she loses contact with her nephew (and he's only a newborn, so she has a few years yet before he knows her and they might apologise in the meantime), then she does. So what. Some things you do because it's the principle of the thing. She should never apologise, no matter what. Establishing a relationship with your brother's baby is not worth the price of letting them get away with it. End of story. She can force their hand and make them apologise.

There are many types of love.
Plenty of people don’t particularly seem to like their DC if these threads are anything to go by.

I understand how upset you might feel- Your SIL probably hasn’t given you a second thought in this, though.
I do know many people who have come off Instagram and Farcebook because of the endlessly curated “ Perfect “ lives and boast- fests.

Maybe just come off Social Media.

:)

It's not social media. She's sending the memes directly to OP via WhatsApp.

Oh no!
Your SIL is being very silly!

Of COURSE you aren’t making it all about you!

I have a grown DS and a Dog, and I just bought her a bag of salmon strips on her birthday-
but it seems Social media demands bunting, a dog friendly cake and a little outfit these days for Puppy’s First Birthday.

Your SIL is being deeply insensitive if she can’t see how her memes are insulting to the many loving women who don’t have children.

You've got nothing to apologise for (unless you drastically changed your text to something rude). She is being really unpleasant now. You asked her very nicely to stop sending certain memes that were very understandably upsetting for you. It isn't 'their time'. The world doesn't stop just because she's had a kid. She should have graciously accepted what you said, counted her blessings and moved on. Unbelievable.

As I said before @ZillyZel she doesn't sound like a very nice person.
After getting your message most people ( though most people would have been a bit more thoughtful with their postings to you and wouldn't have caused you emotional pain ) would be absolutely mortified at their thoughtlessness.
Instead she's demanding an apology

Honestly, I would not apologize, but I would say that sending a message wasn't the best idea.
These conversations should always be done face to face.

And I would take cake and go have a face to face discussion with her.

I feel a lot better after my run! I am still surprised she's spoken with DB instead of talking with me about it if she's upset. But I'm going to assume she is very tired/stressed/there's something else going on and maybe my message was bad timing, I will call my brother later to ask if I can pop over - a face to face chat over coffee to resolve this feels a positive way to approach it. Plus nephew cuddles!

I definitely don't want to cause a 'thing' over this with them, but at the same time I do think it's important I point out how inappropriate/insensitive the memes are, sent to me personally, in context of my infertility. If it was the other way around, I'd be mortified unintentionally hurting anyone.

Agree that this is the perfect message to send.

You’ve made it very clear you like receiving the photos and the memes are the issue, as they would be for any person in your situation.

Her happiness should not ever come before your pain, and you are completely entitled to ask her not to send them. If not being able to share a meme is so utterly distressing she simply must get DB involved, I’d suggest she shares them on FB/Instagram, where she can be muted, before seeking therapy to treat her utter lack of empathy.

Please don’t apologise. She sounds exactly the sort of entitled person who always gets her way and it will just keep happening.

You should tell her exactly this, quietly, calmly and kindly. I'm sure she will understand.
Also, Id describe the memes as painful, rather than hurtful since from your description it doesn't sound as if she is trying to hurt you.

You're either incredibly brave or dim to be wanting to visit them before this is settled.

They have been incredibly insensitive to you and you're actually considering sitting in front of them getting ready for more? You do realise that together they will be stronger and you'll find yourself backing down and apologising for doing absolutely nothing, not a damn thing, wrong in this situation.

BOTH of them have behaved terribly towards you.

I'd honestly give it a day or two before making any sort of contact with them again. If for no other reason than you mean business about this.

Ah I'm sorry OP. I missed the page where you sent her your text. Her reaction seems completely over the top. I'd be mortified if someone said they wanted to see pix but please don't make comments like the ones mentioned. I'd run back and delete them.
I don't think you should apologise for having painful feelings provoked by her memes. Your text was perfectly nice and kindly phrased. Unlike her response. I'd let her calm down and think about it before seeing her face to face again.
You sound like a kind and reasonable person so I am sure you will find a solution.

You're a lovely, considerate person. And nephew cuddles are the best. Mine mean the absolute world to me, I was putting my nephew to bed the other night and he gave me a big hug and said 'I love you Auntie Dolphin'. It was such a wonderful moment, being an Auntie is truly amazing.

I hope your chat with your brother and SIL goes well 💐

If you say to SIL 'sorry you feel upset about my message about the memes' you are NOT apologising , just saying you're sorry she's such an idiot for not realising what an insensitive person she's been. However she will expect an apology and will thus hear it as an apology, and it is the easiest way to stop this escalating out of all proportion.

No, the OP should definitely not say that! For the fact she will hear it as an apology and thus confirmation that she was right and OP was wrong. OP should never apologise - in any form!

Let it go, she’s being a bit silly and insensitive but she’s just happy.
Would you maybe tell her that you've had difficulty TTC so she may be understanding, if she’s normally lovely?

i know MN thinks the ‘only understand..’ thing is a big crime and I get why, but really when people say that they just mean they’re personally shocked. They would never have known how much they could feel for this baby/ how much their life would change etc. It’s nothing about you. Even though obviously it’s super hurtful to hear.

i know MN thinks the ‘only understand..’ thing is a big crime and I get why, but really when people say that they just mean they’re personally shocked.

You’re speaking for everyone that has said this? You know what was in every single one of their heads? Brave.

Oh that’ll teach me for not RTFT
sorry op, sounds like she’s being a bit insensitive but as you say probably lots of other things going on. You sound like a great SIL
hope it all goes ok

OP, SIL is an insensitive twat. She is In a bubble of motherhood and thinks that this is what her life is all about. Good for her. However, she needs to stop with the memes. Her insensitivity towards your situation is awful. She sounds self-involved and ghastly.

Do not dare apologise. You did nothing wrong. She needs to wake up to herself. Has she not acknowledged that her love affair with motherhood is indulgent and that ramming it down your throat is insensitive and upsetting to you?

id explain all of this to your DH too. He should be backing you and not his sister.

YANBU OP, never think you are.

Oops, just mistyped. Your DB should be supportive of you as well as your SIL. He is bound to take her side but a dose of realism is required in this situation.

When I was going through infertility and IVF, I would hide pregnant friends / new mums and would choose myself when to interact i.e. maybe once every couple of weeks if I felt strong enough, I would go onto their page and comment or like a post, but kept them hidden otherwise.

Gosh, if anything I was going to say OP's message wasn't direct enough. Something more like "I'm very happy for you but sometimes seeing those things reminds me of opportunities we can't have and I'm not tough enough to see them so often, sorry." is what I had in mind.

Ah well, back to figuring out how to mute the WA msgs. i have a very nice friend who sends me silly (juvenile) humour on WA. I only look at those posts once or twice a week.