Patience thin with SIL

[ZillyZel]

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

Do you think she is genuinely OK? The memes would make me wonder tbh. I can't bear gushing on FB, I have unfollowed a couple of people, but remained friends.

Okay how about this:

Hi SIL, love the pics of Baby in his new outfit this morning, so cute! I just wanted to mention - because I really appreciate all the photos and videos you share - but it can just be a bit upsetting to recieve the 'Life Has No Meaning Until You're a Mother' type memes - I'm absolutely over the moon you're enjoying being a Mum and you're doing an incredible job, baby is so lucky to have you. Just those generic memes punch a bit with everything DH and I have been through. Hope you're doing well this morning, what are your plans? Let me know if you need anything. Love Zilly.

I've been dying for a niece or nephew for years, but never once mentioned pregnancy or when are you trying etc etc to my DSis, assuming she was focusing on her career or whatever. She recently confided they've been trying for some years and are embarking on IVF. I'm so so glad I kept my big trap shut and hope I didn't say anything accidentally that might have hurt her.

You need to say something to your SIL. It's not ok for her to send memes like that to you. It's hurtful, dismissive and rude.

Oops. Cross posy. Maybe just add that you want to keep getting the photos. And no need to necessarily specify the meme. Perhaps just - keep sending the lovely photos, but could you please not send me any memes. If she can't understand the reasoning then you can examine it to her. But maybe keep the request simple initially?

she Sounds like a bit of a twit really. Even with her previous comments about not leaving it too late. I’d just tell her straight yoi love seeing photos of nephew but find the meme difficult because as she knows you can’t having children yourself. She sounds like she needs to be told outright.

Mute the whatsapp messages and archive so they dont pop up straight away.

Facebook - unfollow her (not unfriend) theres an option to do this so she doesnt show in your news feed.

its a little insensitive on her part i agree

She sounds incredibly insensitive if she knows what you've been going through. The message you suggest is good, obviously you want to be nice but I think be clearer about what you want and don't minimise the impact.

How about:

...Just those generic memes are quite upsetting with everything DH and I have been through regarding IVF.

Please feel free to keep sending the lovely photos and videos of baby but I would appreciate if you would kindly stop including those types of memes in your messages to me...

The facebook stuff is annoying but is what it is. It's her facebook, she can do what she likes.

The WhatsApp means are, at best, insensitive. At worst, downright mean. Even if you were childfree by choice, those sorts of memes, sent to you directly, are saying that you can never experience love?

I wouldn't send a message like the one above just randomly. But next time she sends something like that to you directly I would respond then. You could be "gentle" and just say something like, "SIL please don't send me this kind of stuff. You must know how hard it is not being able to have children so being told that I can never experience real love is not helpful". I'd be inclined to a more aggressive message than that... but probably not good for family dynamics.

Alternatively, get your DH to have firm words.

I'd slim it down a bit and be less direct, make it less about you.
I'd say for starters how much you adore to receive photos of nephew and how lovely/cute etc he is
Then I'd say 'just to let you know, but some people in same boat as us having TTC and failed after years of trying might be a little upset with the wording on some of your memes, but please do carry on sending the photos though, nephew is amazing and we love seeing photos of him very much'

The WA memes are really insensitive. She's had a baby and is happy, it's not a license to say the first thing that comes into your head at every moment, especially not on a medium as direct as WhatsApp. YANBU.

The WhatsApp to you directly thing is actually quite cruel and deeply insensitive. Is it time for a MN, "Did you mean to be so rude?"

I'd be sending a sarcastic response, "oh, I didn't realise I don't know how to love." next time. But maybe that's because I'm sort of gobsmacked that someone would send such an insensitive comment to someone directly.

Don’t spoil this for her. She’s totally besotted and in love with her baby. And it’s true you do feel a different kind of love and it’s wonderful. I’m sorry you’re struggling but others are aloud to be happy and totally in love

Hah! She'll learn at some stage that there's a downside to parenting. Sleepless nights, baby tantrums, expense, childhood illness, etc etc. It's not all moonlight and roses.

Its really insensitive i mean once on fb in general fine but to personally send you them i mean why would she do that

Hah! She'll soon find out that there's a downside to parenting. Sleepless nights, childhood illness, baby tantrums, expense. It's not all moonlight and roses!

Just block her, she won't know that you have.

I could live with the standard baby posts, most people slow down with that pretty soon. The 'only knowing' bit, bloody insensitive to a lot of people. If she knows about your history it's even worse. Can you have a word with your brother? Good luck with the plan the foster, I have family members who do this and I am in awe of what they do.

Just mute her. She is doing nothing wrong

She doesn't need to be sending specific memes about motherhood being the meaning of life, directly to OP who she knows hasn't been able to conceive. That's just cruel, whether she realises it or not and it isn't spoiling anything for her to say she can post them on social media all she likes but stop sending them directly to OP.

Sounds like PFB mixed with lack of emotional intelligence / awareness.

My sister is childless after years of trying and procedures. I would never, ever post any of that 'You don't know love until you're a mother' bullshit.

I am really glad you are sending that WhatsApp. People need to be aware that there are women who find those memes deeply hurtful

yes she's aware I can't have biological children due to medical issues, though it's never been discussed in detail.
She had been asking when we going to 'finally' have DC and the questions/jokes about 'don't leave it too late!' for a while a few years ago so I told her unfortunately we had tried for years and had several failed surgeries/procedures. Nothing more was mentioned!

This is where the "awwweee she just loving being a new mom" shit stops. She knows your story. Now she's just being cruel.

She sounds like an awful gobshite OP.

You have my sympathy and more patience than me.

What a twat.

She doesn’t sound like the brightest let’s be honest! You need to just spell it out to her.

It’s a horrible kind of love though because it comes with so much fear and worry. Unless that’s just me!

What’s that got to do with anything? I’m sure the op would be desperate to feel that horrible kind of love. Do you honestly think that’s a sensitive and appropriate discussion to start on this thread?