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AIBU?

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Original poster

Patience thin with SIL

194 replies

ZillyZel · 28/04/2022 08:32

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

OP posts:
TheDolphinHotel · 28/04/2022 14:00

Thank you, @JenniferBarkley 💐

Spudina · 28/04/2022 14:04

Do not apologise OP. You have done nothing wrong. She is being extremely insensitive, and she is the one who should apologise. I like some of the suggested answers on this thread.

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 14:11

Wow! What in the fuckety fuck?!??? Don't you dare apologise! She and your brother, are the ones who need to apologise to you! She sent a very insensitive meme, pointedly, to you. Why should you apologise for saying you felt upset? But you will cave and apologise like all the weak women won't you? You shouldn't. Have some backbone and text your brother back saying you are disappointed he also lacks sensitivity, that you expected better from him, and that he is not to contact you until he is willing to apologise!

sillysmiles · 28/04/2022 14:12

Katesboy8 · 28/04/2022 12:36

Don't take it personally. Just unfollow her.
I agree you don't know 'that kind of love' until you have a child as it's incomparable to anything else!

Comprehension issues or your a bypass of empathy?

  1. She can't "unfollow" as they are sent directly to her
  2. Does telling someone you can't conceive that they'll never know love make you feel important? Or superior?
MzHz · 28/04/2022 14:16

@ZillyZel “I don't think she means it, she'd be sad if she thought I was hurt.”

well… hate to point this out, but she’s NOT sad at all, she’s attacking you because you’ve raised this with her.

send the message @JenniferBarkley wrote, it’s a good one

call your brother directly too.

sillysmiles · 28/04/2022 14:18

@ZillyZel if you are going to apologies for the sake of peace and access to you baby nephew - make it a politicians apology - I'm sorry if you misunderstood, I'm sorry if you were upset. Not I'm sorry for what I did.

For those saying don't apologise - read some of the threads on her about mothers cutting off their in laws and not letting them see the children for all sorts of reasons - but mainly because the in laws didn't bow down to them as the mother.

Magenta82 · 28/04/2022 14:19

You originally thought your SIL was being insensitive rather than cruel, however she has now shown her true colours.

Please don't apologise, she doesn't deserve it and your DB needs to know what she has been sending you.

RandomMess · 28/04/2022 14:19

I think you need to talk to your brother again and ask him how he would if they TTC for x years and went through xyz that sensitivity goes both ways.

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 14:22

sillysmiles · 28/04/2022 14:18

@ZillyZel if you are going to apologies for the sake of peace and access to you baby nephew - make it a politicians apology - I'm sorry if you misunderstood, I'm sorry if you were upset. Not I'm sorry for what I did.

For those saying don't apologise - read some of the threads on her about mothers cutting off their in laws and not letting them see the children for all sorts of reasons - but mainly because the in laws didn't bow down to them as the mother.

For those saying don't apologise - read some of the threads on her about mothers cutting off their in laws and not letting them see the children for all sorts of reasons - but mainly because the in laws didn't bow down to them as the mother.

That does NOT justify it! The only person who are causing not seeing inlaws are the brother and his wife. NOT the OP! Don't put this on her, that is manipulative and emotional blackmail. A person has to have standards, and CFers and rude and insensitive people get away with it because people are so weak and gutless they want to 'keep the peace'. It's a real problem in the UK particularly. You do no one any favours by making the victim apologise. Your advice is truly bad advice. The OP needs to let her brother know in no uncertain terms that she is not the one who needs to apologise, she won't be apologising, and that further, she expects an apology from him, as well as his wife.

harriethoyle · 28/04/2022 14:25

Uglycurtainsareugly · 28/04/2022 13:00

Do you ever feel sad that your children will never really love you?

Show quote history

Oh I think I LOVE YOU @Uglycurtainsareugly 😂😂😂

harriethoyle · 28/04/2022 14:27

Another one saying don't apologise @ZillyZel . You've done absolutely nothing wrong and your original message was far nicer than the insensitive moron deserved 🍷

gamerchick · 28/04/2022 14:28

Why are you being so nice?

Tell her to fucking knock off the memes because it makes her look like a massive twat considering your history with infertility. Don't you apologies, you've done nothing wrong.

Red2017 · 28/04/2022 14:28

Do not apologise to her. If anything she should be apologising to you. The audacity to be offended at what you said is astounding. If anything she is making it about her without any regard for your feelings. Yes she is a mother. Yes she gave birth but she isn't the first and certainly won't be the last. Your feelings matter just as much anybody elses.
Do not apologise!

Sally872 · 28/04/2022 14:28

I wouldn't apologise. Your message was very nicely put. She should be mortified and apologise. Then you both move on.

Maybe dB is being stupid and she is upset she has hurt you rather than looking for an apology??

TommyShelby · 28/04/2022 14:29

Please don’t apologise OP. Your SIL is unbelievably cruel and no amount of baby brain or PFB stuff should stop someone apologising for hurting someone else’s feelings. She needs to get a grip! And so does your brother. They are both going to have a rude awakening when they realise that the rest of planet earth doesn’t revolve around their son - no matter how gorgeous he is!

Sally872 · 28/04/2022 14:30

She hasn't put the meme on Facebook forgetting you would also see it she sent it privately to you. It is beyond insensitive.

gamerchick · 28/04/2022 14:30

RandomMess · 28/04/2022 14:19

I think you need to talk to your brother again and ask him how he would if they TTC for x years and went through xyz that sensitivity goes both ways.

And throw a bit of that in as well. I guarantee she would be the type to rip up your scan photos if she couldn't get pregnant. The cheek man.

TashieWoo · 28/04/2022 14:31

I haven’t read the full thread but I’ve read all OP’s and some of the responses.

At first I thought SIL was just a bit simple and she reminded me of my cousin in law, very sweet but emotionally immature and doesn’t read messages properly. But then with your DB’s (shocking) response I saw that she is actually very selfish and completely blind to other people. Also probably because she’s thick but your brother should be managing this better.

I don’t think you should apologise, but distance yourself a bit for a few weeks and let her come to her senses. She probably never will completely, but you don’t need her at the moment and your DB shouldn’t be putting any pressure onto you to give an apology you may not be comfortable with. Your message was kind and considerate.

What do your parents think?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/04/2022 14:43

I fucking hate people like this - they must have been really emotionally stunted if being a mother is the only way they have experienced deep and abiding love. I would tell her she must be very limited in her outlook.

DeliaOwens · 28/04/2022 14:44

Perhaps put a status on What's App saying something like "Don't check What's App regularly... May be days before I reply."
Then you can just not look at her messages...she can continue to send them until she realises you don't engage so much and she stops sending them so
often.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/04/2022 14:46

just read about the apology demand. She is a complete CF and does not deserve one. She is insensitive - not you.

Totheweekend · 28/04/2022 14:48

Oh my goodness, she’s not lovely. What kind of person sends ‘you’ll never know true live until you are a mother’ shit to someone who sadly hasn’t been able to conceive? That’s super mean.

Cuck00soup · 28/04/2022 14:53

Please tell me this dimwit isn't a qualified nurse.

OP Flowers for you.

sillysmiles · 28/04/2022 14:54

@TalkingCat I agree with you - that in an ideal world the parents would realise they are being dicks and apologise to the OP. But they won't and then if the OP pushes it she may well loose contact with her nephew. Sometimes, right or wrong, you have to look at the bigger picture. Only the OP knows the type of people they are and if they are the type to cut off contact with the OP, then she needs to decide if taking a stand is worth that.
I didn't like my SIL for many years, but I value my relationship with her children so I work around it.

BlingLoving · 28/04/2022 14:55

I have to be honest, I wouldn't have sent that message. Not because it's in the slightest bit mean, but because I could predict that your SIL, who is clearly a bit of a drama queen/overly invested in her baby type, would take it wrong.

As they've already got your DH involved, this is the point at which he needs to go back and say to SIL and BIL, "look, Zilly didn't want to hurt SIL's feelings, but she is struggling and we don't have children. Can you not see why memes telling her she can never understand, and never love as much, might be hurtful to her?!"