Patience thin with SIL

[ZillyZel]

Sister In law is a lovely person, I do like her and she works hard as a nurse and puts up with my brother - god knows how. They recently had a baby together - all happy and healthy, we celebrated alongside them and I adore my new nephew.

But. She is posting pictures daily. New personalised outfits for baby, '4 weeks old today, 5 weeks old today' etc, Easter outfits, sharing every detail over social media and sent to me via WhatsApp.

Now she's posting memes with her pictures, one of which today says along the lines of 'until you become a Mother, you'll never know deep, true love...' etc.

My patience is wearing thin, because I can't possibly say anything, I wouldn't want to upset her, but it's hard - after a long TTC journey ended without success for me personally, I've come to terms with being childless and I'm looking to foster, but I think it's cruel to say you can't possibly know 'love' if you're not a mother - there are all kinds of deep bonds, relationships and connections in life, surely?

Can you just talk to her about it.

ime I’d Make it your problem..eg she’s not doing anything wrong but you are still very raw form your experience and the memes are causing you pain. Whilst you are working at dealing with those emotions and building resilience would she help you by not sending the memes about motherhood etc. but you really do want to see the photons and be really involved in her dc life….
sometimes making it your problem ( even though she is defiantly either really thick or massively insensitive) and enlisting the “help” of the other person resolves the issues.

don’t make it about her, make it about you. When you talk to here start by stating a common goal…such as how much her dc is loved by her and you and how committed you are to being involved in his life and how much you appreciate her helping that relationship, then tell your “story” ..explain what goes on in your head and emotions it produces when she sends memes…give specific examples…use phrases that are “I” or “me” not “you” . Then ask her for her opinions on how to solve your problem and let her tell her story as to why she’s doing it…ask her open questions to get her to think about the affect of her actions on you for herself . IMHE just having the conversation sorts out a lot of problems
be honest and open…best way to not only sort this out but strengthen your mutual trust and respect going forwards.

Send your brother the message you sent her, she’s making a song and dance about ONE sentence in an otherwise sensitive and kind message

i don’t think he knows what you actually said.

and no, you don’t need to apologise for what you said.

she’s been jaw droppingly insensitive and that does need to stop.

You have nothing to apologise for, your message was well written and fair. It’s a special time in her life sure, but it doesn’t mean she gets to be inconsiderate of other’s feelings.

Do you ever feel sad that your children will never really love you?

'I'm sorry you feel upset, of course we adore seeing the photos of nephew, so please don't stop sending those'

Assumes the apology without apologising. Is nothing you've done wrong.

I would say you’re sad she’s upset but you really hope she can understand where you were coming from regarding the memes about motherhood.

This might be my favourite ever response on MN.

Hi db, I haven’t apologised yet. I’m actually a bit busy, I knew I would never have children but need some adjustment time to confront the fact that that means, according to the pm your wife sends me directly, that I will never know love. That’s a bit hurtful actually. Should I apologise for being hurt by the hurtful memes sent targeting my private pain? Honestly if you had a broken leg I wouldn’t turn up after running my marathon and give your leg a big kick. But I’m relieved to know you should apologise to me if I ever do that.

It’s ok for her to be in the obsessed PFB stage, just as it’s ok for you to take a step back from anything you feel is upsetting you.

Oh my goodness. DO NOT APOLOGISE.

She can't be that delicate to be honest.

Please do not apologise. You really haven't anything to apologise for. Your brother and his uncaring and unfeeling wife on the other hand do have to apologise to you.

Don’t you dare apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong at all and have every right to have to your feelings heard. She sounded like a dick and the updates confirm it. Beyond pathetic and ridiculous. They’ve had a baby. That’s nice for them. Doesn’t entitle them to think they can behave in a hurtful or thoughtless way with impunity.

Your brother is being ridiculous.

Best of luck on your journey to fostering. I admire people who do that very much - it takes such love and strength of character.

How are you “making it about you”? Her not sending a world of pictures and memes to you doesn’t change anything?! I would not be apologising, your message was polite and it’s not your fault she doesn’t like being challenged

Text your brother this.
Ask him if it's only women who have given birth to a baby will only know real love and not the countless women and men who foster and adopt children. They must be in it for the money, right? (Just in case he comes back with all guns blazing here, I want you to be ready). Of course they'll know real love. There are more ways than one to feel real love.

Just say, that you really appreciate getting the photos of Baby Name but you don't want any more of the memes. That's all.

DON'T UTTER THE WORDS "I'M SORRY".
You've absolutely nothing in the world to be sorry for or about.

This is a perfect message to send.

That's actually what I'd send.

Actually, your DB may not know what she's been sending or what's been said. I'd forward one of the more hurtful memes with a "for the avoidance of doubt, this is the stuff I mean, I find it very insensitive and I'm sure you can both understand why. I would never ask SIL not to send photos of DN, I adore those".

Why would you say this, on this thread? If that's how you feel, great, that's up to you, you can feel however you want. But why say it? It's hurtful. I've been told that life doesn't really have any meaning until you have children, that it's impossible to know what real love is until you have children. Do you have any idea how devastating that is, when you desperately want children and can't have them? That's a rhetorical question, clearly you don't.

Maybe he’ll be a bit upset at the SIL himself as he’s not a woman who has given birth he obviously doesn’t love his child properly.

I'm as conflict avoidant as they come, but please don't apologize for letting her know something was painful for you. I understand wanting to share her excitement about a new baby, and was also guilty for sending way too many photos , but the memes were insensitive (no matter the thought or lack of behind it). You were so kind and sensitive in your message that there is nothing for you to say sorry for. I'm sure she's thrown by being called out, but don't let your brother railroad you into apologizing.

I would go back to him with something along the lines of "I'm sorry SIL is hurt, that was never my intention. I made it clear that I loved seeing the photos because I honestly do, but given the struggles DH and I have been through with infertility, the memes suggesting I'm incapable of knowing love without children were painful to read and really hurt. We're usually pretty private about how awful the whole thing has been, but I thought it would be better to be honest about it in a gentle way than her be unintentionally upsetting me and not knowing about it - I honestly thought she would rather know. We're thrilled for you guys and are so happy DN is here, and have no desire to make anything about us. It's simply that privately I'm hurting, and I hoped this small change in sending memes might be a change that wouldn't impact you guys at all, but might make things slightly less painful this end. I really hope you can understand."

Best of luck with the fostering journey OP, it sounds to me that whoever ends up joining your home will be very loved

Your message to your SIL was very well put and she’s handled it badly. A very quick message back from her saying “God I’ve clearly developed baby brain, I completely understand how it’s hurtful for you to read the memes. I’m sorry it upset you”. It could have been easily nipped in the bud. I think you have every right to say what you did and you clearly need to explain to your tired brother so he hears both sides. You have nothing to apologise for.

It’s just as well she’s not my SIL.
What she is doing - given that she knows your situation- is appalling. It is in no way acceptable to send you that kind of comment. Someone once said that I wouldn’t know what parenting was actually about until I had a second - knowing that we were having problems ( both times took years). She realised what she said as soon as the words were out of her mouth and apologised. I actually couldn’t really accept it at that stage and just left the room. It was awkward but I still think I did the right thing if it prevented her from saying it to someone else who might have been in a worse place than I was.

Even now that I have kids this shit pisses me off. My life was lacking in neither meaning nor love for the first 34 years I was childfree. The assumption that procreation is the only way to happiness, love or fulfilment is fabulously lacking in imagination. Of course you will have grief and I wouldn't pretend to fully appreciate the depth of it - but of course you also have a full, loving life.

And @ZillyZel , don't apologise. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. It's bloody difficult. I think people often don't know what to say (doesn't excuse it though). When I found out that I definitely couldn't have children, and told my sister, she ended up crying in my arms as she was so sad about it, and I ended up comforting her. It was surreal.

Of course your SIL is allowed to be in love with her new baby. It's fucking cruel of her to keep sending you those messages though

Good one!

Good one!