Parents in law and holiday bill - please tell me who is in the wrong!

[spandauballet]

Husband and I get on well with his parents (mum and step dad). They live in Cornwall, we go down regularly, they come up to London to see us etc. They are lovely, generous, very hands on with our kids etc.

In Jan we agreed we'd all go on holiday together this year. We went to Majorca together in 2017 which was lovely, so decided to go again this July and also include my dad who gets on well with them too. In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those, they don't mind. We chose a 4-bed apartment, consulted everyone, and I booked and payed (£2400), with us all agreeing to split costs (40% us, 30/30% parents).

Over Easter we went down to Cornwall for a week and whilst there DH had a disagreement with his stepdad. Nothing to do with holiday whatsoever but ended in very heated discussion and MIL getting upset. (Neither were right or wrong just different opinions and they should have just agreed to disagree). Without consulting us MIL booked separate accommodation for July, saying she needs “somewhere to go should things kick off whilst we are on holiday”. She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough.

When asked, she stated they would not pay their share of the one I'd already booked. This leaves us with £750-ish added to our holiday bill without any consultation. I am livid. Neither of them seem to think this is bad since we are "getting use of an extra bedroom". I don't need an extra bedroom - our kids are 5 and 2 and will share.

AIBU to think you can't just decide not to partake in an agreed holiday without paying your share? If I had already got their share, she would not have booked a new place! What do I do now?

[SpidersAreShitheads]

^This is an excellent suggestion. No drama and to the point - very clearly telling them the reason you've cancelled and the impact on holidays for the future.

[Fraaahnces]

Are they expecting to stay the night at your place on the way to the airport again @spandauballet? You’re going to have to come up with some way to circumvent that habit. Maybe you need to be staying somewhere else yourself prior to their departure date. Does your Dad have some vital family do/health check/anniversary coming up?
Then you can email them to let them know that you’ll be away and they’ll have to make other arrangements and then go radio silent. They can wonder if you’ve cancelled or if you’re going to turn up until they get to the airport. I think you’ve been beyond patient and reasonable.

[milkyaqua]

I agree, this is the cleanest method. I also wouldn't rush to tell them the good news you were able to get a refund. They really did leave you in the lurch.

[Vikinga]

Wow, both very extreme reactions.

[Fit50]

Deal with the issue in hand only (finance) don’t make it so personal. I would just say ‘I’ve cancelled our accommodation as it was too expensive without your contribution and I am looking for a cheaper alternative. I’ll keep you updated hopefully we will find something.’ IMO I’m grateful to family members who want to spend time with me on holidays and if I’m honest I too prefer my own separate accommodation however, I mostly go with the flow. Consider future relationships why fall out over this when it is easily fixed? Watch this video on YouTube it helps me I wish I had watched it years ago!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM

[boronia]

"We've had to cancel because we just can't afford it without us all staying together.
Fortunately we managed not to lose the whole deposit we'd paid."
Sad face emoji.

[KatherineJaneway]

While what they have done is very shitty, I would tell them you've cancelled if you want any semblance of a decent relationship moving forwards.

[Username20000]

I wouldn't be telling her I had cancelled. She's lost the right to know my holiday plans or come on holiday with us again.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

@lborgia

Who in their right mind books new accomodation without telling you first?!

Also, why were they paying 60% in the first place?

How did they end up making up and hugging, and yet MIL still felt the need to rush off and book something separate?

So.Many.QUESTIONS.

This. Such a weird way for things to go when everyone seems close previously.

I would tell them now you've cancelled. Presumably you do want to salvage the relationship they have with your kids.

[MichelleScarn]

@lborgia

Who in their right mind books new accomodation without telling you first?!

Also, why were they paying 60% in the first place?

How did they end up making up and hugging, and yet MIL still felt the need to rush off and book something separate?

So.Many.QUESTIONS.

ILs were only paying 30% as they'd agreed! And it was MIL who choose the property so knew room size and cost.

I wonder if what's happened was the aim? The holiday completely separately...

[LookItsMeAgain]

By all means tell them that you've cancelled but not before you've managed to book an alternative holiday for you, your DH, your kids, your DH's Dad and your dad.
THEN you should tell them you've cancelled.

I cannot believe so many people would be rushing over to break the news to the woman who caused the issue in the first place! There is no rush in telling her at the moment. Leave her be for a few days which gives you time to sort our wherever you're planning on going for your new summer break!

[Loopytiles]

seems odd to book accommodation only with no flights when holiday cost is an issue.

[billy1966]

Good text from @Pickabearanybear .

Don't mention your luck with the refund.

Holiday separately and move on from this.

What she did was very wrong, just don't book anything with them again.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

[rookiemere]

@Loopytiles

seems odd to book accommodation only with no flights when holiday cost is an issue.

I thought that too !
Usually we'd book the flights first as they're the thing that will go up in price, whereas if there were 5 accommodation options there doesn't seem to be a shortage.
Flights could easily have gone up by more than £600 for a family of four in the school holidays over a few weeks.
Seems odd, but there we go, I hope this one is true as it's an interesting dilemma.

[Inertia]

@Pickabearanybear ’s message is good.

[caringcarer]

Have holiday with your Dad and DH Dad. Tell Fil and Mil you won't be spending time with them on holiday (or your DC) as they wanted separate accomodation. Never book with them again. It will be nice for DH Dad to have access to dgc too.

[IsabelHerna]

Well it might be worth cancelling and even paying the fee. You can ask if they would be willing to split the fee or even split the deposit. I don't believe 750 are worth creating a bad environment with family.

[LookItsMeAgain]

@IsabelHerna

Well it might be worth cancelling and even paying the fee. You can ask if they would be willing to split the fee or even split the deposit. I don't believe 750 are worth creating a bad environment with family.

Any chance that you could read the OP's posts before you post?

🙄

[Stodge]

I would tell them you've cancelled and will be making other plans for your holidays

No need to keep her in the dark - just tell her

She's ruined what was a lovely family thing

[BaconMassive]

Won't anyone think of the children?

[Swayingpalmtrees]

Won't anyone think of the children?

Yes, that is exactly why op is cancelling. The holiday will be a disaster otherwise, and the children are likely to be very upset. Better to switch the plans, have a super family holiday and still be on half decent terms with the in laws. A much more adult way to go about it. MIL will regret her choices, and thrown away a chance to spend time with her little GC, she will have some time to reflect on her decision to bail out of paying her young family. I doubt they will ever book again with her, so she has the most to lose in my view.

Op I hope you have a great holiday and enjoy your babies in the sunshine wherever you go 🕶

[LadyWhistldown]

"I have actually wondered, with respect, if the national HRT shortage may be affecting her."
This made me laugh far more than I should have 😂😂😂

[WimpoleHat]

Better to switch the plans, have a super family holiday and still be on half decent terms with the in laws.

Agreed. But that’s why I think OP should tell MIL (calmly, factually) that she has cancelled. “We can’t afford such large accommodation on our own, so have cancelled and will be going back to the drawing board.” It’s then up to MIL to decide (and her problem to sort) what she wants to do with her own booking, but OP can’t then be seen to be playing games/being petty etc.

[Swayingpalmtrees]

I have already suggested that about five pages back, given the number of posts on here i don't expect you to have noticed it. A quick calm factual message from DH not op:

"Hi Mum - I hope you are well. After you mentioned you have now booked new accommodation, we have decided to cancel as the apartment is far too big for us, and too expensive, without you.
We are going back to the drawing board and we will rebook somewhere else for this summer. I hope you have a great time in xxx. Lots of love op's husband"

It is important that the message does not come from op, or MIL will blame her for this.

Of course they need to know. It would be rude otherwise.

[Fraaahnces]

I have been thinking about how OP mentioned that they treat BIL differently. Am wondering if PIL didn’t have an agenda of suddenly extending a “spontaneous” invitation to BIL “now there’s room”. (And paying for that as well…) Maybe sit on the cancellation news until much closer to the date and see if BIL’s flights get booked.