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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in law and holiday bill - please tell me who is in the wrong!

272 replies

spandauballet · 27/04/2022 17:28

Husband and I get on well with his parents (mum and step dad). They live in Cornwall, we go down regularly, they come up to London to see us etc. They are lovely, generous, very hands on with our kids etc.

In Jan we agreed we'd all go on holiday together this year. We went to Majorca together in 2017 which was lovely, so decided to go again this July and also include my dad who gets on well with them too. In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those, they don't mind. We chose a 4-bed apartment, consulted everyone, and I booked and payed (£2400), with us all agreeing to split costs (40% us, 30/30% parents).

Over Easter we went down to Cornwall for a week and whilst there DH had a disagreement with his stepdad. Nothing to do with holiday whatsoever but ended in very heated discussion and MIL getting upset. (Neither were right or wrong just different opinions and they should have just agreed to disagree). Without consulting us MIL booked separate accommodation for July, saying she needs “somewhere to go should things kick off whilst we are on holiday”. She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough.

When asked, she stated they would not pay their share of the one I'd already booked. This leaves us with £750-ish added to our holiday bill without any consultation. I am livid. Neither of them seem to think this is bad since we are "getting use of an extra bedroom". I don't need an extra bedroom - our kids are 5 and 2 and will share.

AIBU to think you can't just decide not to partake in an agreed holiday without paying your share? If I had already got their share, she would not have booked a new place! What do I do now?

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 28/04/2022 19:12

Oh gosh. When are you going to tell them? X

Chandimum · 28/04/2022 19:14

Tonkerbea · 27/04/2022 18:28

MIL is so unreasonable, but why weren't you paying 50% initially?

This!!
You were ripping off both parents anyway!!
That is what's unreasonable.
Look at it as losing £600 not £750!

RachelGreeneGreep · 28/04/2022 19:17

Good you got most of the money back.

Yes, I wouldn't rush to tell them right this minute, but would still be the bigger person. My mother is queen of passive aggressive behaviour so I try to squash it in my own behaviour as much as possible, if I see it creeping in.

Blossomtoes · 28/04/2022 19:20

Just tell them, ffs. And kiss goodbye getting any of the booking fee back.

Quartz2208 · 28/04/2022 19:23

Chandimum · 28/04/2022 19:14

This!!
You were ripping off both parents anyway!!
That is what's unreasonable.
Look at it as losing £600 not £750!

Show quote history

I assume though that the 4 rooms were not necessarily equal. And that the 30% may well be for the better two rooms and the OP had a least one smaller room for the children.

Always an issue when sharing these things bedrooms are rarely equal and evenly sized.

whynotwhatknot · 28/04/2022 19:39

Glad you got a cancelletaion-has pil booked their flights yet id tell them when they have serve them right

JudgeJ · 28/04/2022 19:58

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 18:33

My dad and DH dad will probably come along- they get along well and are both very easy going. Lesson learnt about getting everyone’s money first before booking!

Is there a reason you can't holiday with your own husband and children, like all normal nuclear families? Are you afraid to be alone with just your husband and DC? As a family? Just wondering why you need your parents with you on your holiday.

Babysitters for nights out!

Maydaysoonenough · 28/04/2022 20:02

Make sure your new holiday is the best ever and plaster pics all over your fb...
I wouldn't be telling them. Let them figure. They didn't care you had to figure out how to salvage your money and holiday did they!?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2022 20:12

I'm not sure I get what you mean when you say the following @spandauballet specifically the bit in italics:
Good news - my pleading email to the host worked and I’ve managed to get a full refund minus booking fee of £200-ish. I’m happy with that result (and will find another way of getting PIL share of the £200 back!). We had not yet booked flights so no problem there.
Are you looking for the £200 from your inlaws or looking to hand them back £200?

As for the rest of it, I'd play my cards very close to my chest.
I wouldn't be rushing to tell them anything, at least not until you've booked wherever you're going on your new holiday and the flights and then they can't jump on the bandwagon and try to muscle in on your accommodation.
They are welcome to pay to stay in different accommodation if they like or they can carry on with the dates of the original holiday (but you won't be there).

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2022 20:14

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 18:33

My dad and DH dad will probably come along- they get along well and are both very easy going. Lesson learnt about getting everyone’s money first before booking!

Is there a reason you can't holiday with your own husband and children, like all normal nuclear families? Are you afraid to be alone with just your husband and DC? As a family? Just wondering why you need your parents with you on your holiday.

You do know that some people enjoy their parents' company?

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 28/04/2022 20:15

Hahaha I would like to be a fly on the wall when mil finds out.
Bet her little plan backfired, I would use her own words against her, you are right I don't think we should go together on the holiday just in case things kick off.

BorderlineHappy · 28/04/2022 20:20

AnnieSnap · 28/04/2022 18:28

I think you should tell your PIL that you have cancelled. To not do, is passive aggressive and I assume you want the relationships to settle down, not limp along with lots of ill feeling. The fact that you have cancelled already makes your point!

No the PIL lost that right when they pulled out of the holiday and left op to foot the bill.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 28/04/2022 20:27

EmeraldSpo · 27/04/2022 20:56

I would still go, as it sounds like it will cost you even more to cancel and then rebook somewhere else. Plus why should your dad have to pay even more when he's already paying a pretty big chunk for one person?

I would still spend time with your PIL while you're away too. Sure it may be a little awkward, but you'll be able to avoid them in the morning/evening if they aren't staying with you. I think changing the date or telling them you won't see them will cause more damage. I think a lot of posters here and forgetting there are two young children going on this holiday, who would probably be quite upset by not getting to spend it with grandparents anymore.

In regards to getting the money off your MIL, I say guilt trip them into paying it back bit by bit in treats and other bits for your children. Sure you won't have the cash back, but it's something at least.

I agree with this!
Don’t make things worse than they actually are, at the end of the day, it’s only money and you’ve got to think of the long term implications.
Don’t be rash OP, be the better person.

RhubarbFairy · 28/04/2022 20:27

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2022 20:14

You do know that some people enjoy their parents' company?

Show quote history

Quite. We were very protective of our nuclear family holidays. Saw any additional adults as extra opinions to factor in.

However the DC were desperate for the GPs to come too, so we invited my parents and MIL.

My parents dropped out two weeks before (August 2020 when things were open but last minute unfounded Covid nerves from them) and I was so nervous about just having MIL there. Turned out to be an absolutely brilliant holiday and was the best thing ever for my and her relationship. The DC loved having her there too and she and DH got to spend some quality time together one evening when I opted to stay in whilst the DC slept.

She's coming away again this year. Parents have declined the invitation (again for a ridiculous reason after years of wanting to go away with us) so we won't be inviting them again.

Both mine and DH parents live 2+ hours away, so a family holiday is a great way to spend time together without one family needing to host.

BlueOverYellow · 28/04/2022 20:28

Glad you were able to cancel your reservation and are only losing the booking fee.

I'd rebook elsewhere with your dad and FIL and let your husband decide how and when to tell his mother that he agrees that holidaying together isn't a great idea right now, that he was unhappy at the way she went about it, so you've cancelled and will be going elsewhere this summer. They can do their own thing.

Dinoteeth · 28/04/2022 20:29

I'd tell them that you've cancelled, just incase they where bluffing about having somewhere else booked.

I would stick to holidays with your own DH & kids in future.

Giveitall · 28/04/2022 20:35

What does hubby say you should do? You don’t mention him but why is it all falling on yr shoulders to sort out a solution?
I can see why MinL might want space on holiday but if there’s already tensions it’s going to be strained anyway.
Lessons learned about the deeper recesses of her personality.
I hope it works out & yous have a good time.

KeepYaHeadUp · 28/04/2022 20:36

@RhubarbFairy - loved reading about your successful holiday with your MIL 😊

A580Hojas · 28/04/2022 20:40

The adult thing to do is tell the inlaws immediately. Anything else is just game playing.

mcmooberry · 28/04/2022 20:44

Well done good result, don't blame you for cancelling, would have been fuming too.

Lydali · 28/04/2022 20:59

I wouldn't tell them directly. Just let it come out casually one day.... You don't need to tell them anything, you weren't going on holiday together. Your MIL changed all that. (and I second the idea of leaving it as late as possible lol)

WimpoleHat · 28/04/2022 21:04

I would tell them. In a matter of fact, practical way. “Just to let you know - as we couldn’t afford to pay your share of the accommodation, I asked the owner if we could cancel. She kindly agreed and has given me a refund (minus the £200 booking fee). We obviously won’t be booking flights now, so thought I’d let you know in good time so that you can sort out your own.”

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2022 21:10

A580Hojas · 28/04/2022 20:40

The adult thing to do is tell the inlaws immediately. Anything else is just game playing.

Tempting as it is to not tell them, this is very true.

The fact is you were forced to cancel the booking for the holiday house because it was unaffordable once they’d dropped out. Can you say something like this?

AnotherDelphinium · 28/04/2022 21:31

MaggieFS · 28/04/2022 18:40

I think you have to tell them, but perhaps just not yet. Maybe they need to book some flights and pass an accommodation no change deadline first to understand that actions have implications!!

This this this.

There’s no reason to rush to tell them, especially since they made no rush to pay their share once they found you couldn’t cancel and made clear you had no need for an extra bedroom.

Hope you all have a fabulous holiday!

AshBashCash · 28/04/2022 21:35

I honestly would want to leave her in the lurch, but Adult me says take the high road and let her know that the cost was too high and y'all are bowing out. This way, you never have to feel guilty, and she can never talk badly about you or your husband.

Yes, I'm from the American South