Parents in law and holiday bill - please tell me who is in the wrong!

[spandauballet]

Husband and I get on well with his parents (mum and step dad). They live in Cornwall, we go down regularly, they come up to London to see us etc. They are lovely, generous, very hands on with our kids etc.

In Jan we agreed we'd all go on holiday together this year. We went to Majorca together in 2017 which was lovely, so decided to go again this July and also include my dad who gets on well with them too. In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those, they don't mind. We chose a 4-bed apartment, consulted everyone, and I booked and payed (£2400), with us all agreeing to split costs (40% us, 30/30% parents).

Over Easter we went down to Cornwall for a week and whilst there DH had a disagreement with his stepdad. Nothing to do with holiday whatsoever but ended in very heated discussion and MIL getting upset. (Neither were right or wrong just different opinions and they should have just agreed to disagree). Without consulting us MIL booked separate accommodation for July, saying she needs “somewhere to go should things kick off whilst we are on holiday”. She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough.

When asked, she stated they would not pay their share of the one I'd already booked. This leaves us with £750-ish added to our holiday bill without any consultation. I am livid. Neither of them seem to think this is bad since we are "getting use of an extra bedroom". I don't need an extra bedroom - our kids are 5 and 2 and will share.

AIBU to think you can't just decide not to partake in an agreed holiday without paying your share? If I had already got their share, she would not have booked a new place! What do I do now?

pain Yes I agree this is totally on MIL. I wasn't suggesting otherwise. She agreed the accommodation and she should be paying for it.

I am drawing your attention to this
She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough

The accommodation was booked and since then MIL has had some time to think about it, and decided at some point it was too small. The heated debate gave her the perfect get out clause. She has been stewing about the size for sure, and so took her chance to change it. The fact she is refusing to pay is disgusting, and she seemingly does not care how the family relations will fare after pulling this stunt. Does she not care? Thinks it will blow over with her 'easy going long suffering ds? Who knows but it is very selfish behaviour.

You’re comparing apples and pears. A family room is just one room. OP is occupying two rooms! If they were sharing a room with their children then obviously you’d be right. 🙄

She's 100% in the wrong, seems like she was trying to punish your DH for the argument or something

Good news - my pleading email to the host worked and I’ve managed to get a full refund minus booking fee of £200-ish. I’m happy with that result (and will find another way of getting PIL share of the £200 back!). We had not yet booked flights so no problem there.

For those saying the split was unfair, we’d have been prepared to pay more if anyone wasn’t happy, we’re all very open about things like this, so that is absolutely not the reason this happened. Nor is it because my dad was coming - they love my dad, he goes down to stay with them. It may well be due to the size of apartment, but she found the apartment herself and agreed with booking it.

Btw - my DH had spoken to PIL extensively to work it all out, he’s a reasonable guy (much more than me) but they wouldn’t budge, and wouldn't pay as we are benefiting from the extra bedroom-which we didn’t ask for and don’t need.

I will say this is not usual behaviour from MIL. She is not selfish and is usually kind and easy going. I have actually wondered, with respect, if the national HRT shortage may be affecting her. That said, DH feels she would never have done this with his brother (lower wage and more volatile personality) so it does feel like double standard/taking advantage.

To those suggesting we should go but ignore them - whilst I can be very petty and strong willed, the passive aggressiveness is not what I need. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself knowing they are around, my dad would be miffed, and it wouldn’t be nice for the kids who adore nanny and grandad. Overall it felt best for us to cancel altogether, so I’ve been lucky with the refund.

Bottom line - I will never ever be going on holiday with them again. I’m looking to book another holiday for July, maybe Tenerife or a Greek island. Any suggestions are very welcome. My dad and DH dad will probably come along- they get along well and are both very easy going. Lesson learnt about getting everyone’s money first before booking!

The only question now is - do we tell them we’ve cancelled Majorca, or leave them to figure it out….?!

I'm delighted to hear that! Well done! Have you told your in laws yet?

Well done. Your husband can tell them when he feels like it.

I am so happy you have solution! Great result!

I would dh tell MIL that you have cancelled and why, make it brief and to the point without blame (the blame is obvious anyway!)

In terms of a new holiday - how about Menorca? So pretty, warm and with beautiful beaches and lovely for small children and families. Or even the quiet side of Ibiza. I love the south of France in the summer and Tuscany is gorgeous with the sunflowers. Get everyone involved and have a vote! Greece is boiling, I would avoid that with little kids in peak summer - it was around 37c when we were there last.

I think you should tell your PIL that you have cancelled. To not do, is passive aggressive and I assume you want the relationships to settle down, not limp along with lots of ill feeling. The fact that you have cancelled already makes your point!

My dad and DH dad will probably come along- they get along well and are both very easy going. Lesson learnt about getting everyone’s money first before booking!

Is there a reason you can't holiday with your own husband and children, like all normal nuclear families? Are you afraid to be alone with just your husband and DC? As a family? Just wondering why you need your parents with you on your holiday.

Eurocamp at La Baume in the south of France! Try it! You can drive there! Works out cheaper....lol..

TalkingCat I go on holiday with my parents because I like them as people and thoroughly enjoy their company. We enhance each other's holiday.

I think you have to tell them, but perhaps just not yet. Maybe they need to book some flights and pass an accommodation no change deadline first to understand that actions have implications!!

I would be tempted to wait for them to mention the holiday and then say we arnt going

But that's petty

Simple basic message stating your no longer going on the holiday no blame no drama move right along

Glad your dad's get along must be so nice taking extended family on holiday

I'm so glad you managed to cancel, what a terrible situation to be put it, I'dbe furious. I think you need to let your DH tell them you have cancelled but you dint have to give them any other details.

Very childish of MIL

This with bells on.They left you up shit creek.See how they like it.

They were in the wrong but you must tell them you've cancelled. Otherwise you're behaving just as badly as them.

*redbigbananafeet · 28/04/2022 18:40

TalkingCat I go on holiday with my parents because I like them as people and thoroughly enjoy their company. We enhance each other's holiday.*

This!

I think you need to tell them you’ve cancelled, rather than let them figure it out.

spandauballet
The only question now is - do we tell them we’ve cancelled Majorca, or leave them to figure it out….?!

1st reply after...

expensiveshite · 28/04/2022 18:14
I'm delighted to hear that! Well done! Have you told your in laws yet?

😂

You are suggesting OP uses her children as weapons??? You cannot 'punish' grandparents by withholding grandchildren ffs

I think you do need to tell them you have cancelled but qualify that you will be making your own holiday plans going forward.

If it is brought up further as to why, then you need to have a frank discussion that their behaviour was unacceptable in backing out after an agreement had been made and money committed. It caused you stress and disappointment.

I'm glad you got your money back, that was good of the owner to do so as they did not need to. This still does not absolve your MIL's behaviour which was frankly very poor and with a different outcome from the apartment owner you would still be stuck in a difficult situation.

Actually the people who have lost out here are your PILs as going forward you will not be going on any holidays with them.

If your MIL had subsequently decided that the apartment was too small and that they should make alternative accommodation arrangements, she should have discussed this with you, honoured the commitment that had been made and funded their share of that apartment, but booked an alternative for them as well.
Thus still ensuring a harmonious holiday. But even with discussion this was refused. You are right to refuse any future holiday arrangements.

Menorca would be a great option to look at. Easy to get around, very family friendly, lovely beaches etc. If you want to ask both of your respective fathers to come that is your decision to make. It sure will make PILs reflect on how utterly stupid they have been over all of this !

That’s not what she’s said at all, is it?

My parents never took us anywhere once we became adults. In fact they went to Canada once when I was 13 and left me with their friends for two weeks. My Mum finds it odd if I contact her without good reason!

Either you or DH needs to tell them you have cancelled. It's perfectly obvious that going from paying £960 to £1680 for an extra bedroom you don't need is ridiculous.

I would let them know and say that because of the increased cost it was coming out as a very expensive option so you're going to go somewhere else now, as having reflected in it DMIL is probably right and it's not a good idea to go on holiday together.