Parents in law and holiday bill - please tell me who is in the wrong!

[spandauballet]

Husband and I get on well with his parents (mum and step dad). They live in Cornwall, we go down regularly, they come up to London to see us etc. They are lovely, generous, very hands on with our kids etc.

In Jan we agreed we'd all go on holiday together this year. We went to Majorca together in 2017 which was lovely, so decided to go again this July and also include my dad who gets on well with them too. In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those, they don't mind. We chose a 4-bed apartment, consulted everyone, and I booked and payed (£2400), with us all agreeing to split costs (40% us, 30/30% parents).

Over Easter we went down to Cornwall for a week and whilst there DH had a disagreement with his stepdad. Nothing to do with holiday whatsoever but ended in very heated discussion and MIL getting upset. (Neither were right or wrong just different opinions and they should have just agreed to disagree). Without consulting us MIL booked separate accommodation for July, saying she needs “somewhere to go should things kick off whilst we are on holiday”. She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough.

When asked, she stated they would not pay their share of the one I'd already booked. This leaves us with £750-ish added to our holiday bill without any consultation. I am livid. Neither of them seem to think this is bad since we are "getting use of an extra bedroom". I don't need an extra bedroom - our kids are 5 and 2 and will share.

AIBU to think you can't just decide not to partake in an agreed holiday without paying your share? If I had already got their share, she would not have booked a new place! What do I do now?

[DodgyKneesCyril]

@Fraaahnces oooh interesting thought!

[stiritwithaknife]

@RhubarbFairy

Quite. We were very protective of our nuclear family holidays. Saw any additional adults as extra opinions to factor in.

However the DC were desperate for the GPs to come too, so we invited my parents and MIL.

My parents dropped out two weeks before (August 2020 when things were open but last minute unfounded Covid nerves from them) and I was so nervous about just having MIL there. Turned out to be an absolutely brilliant holiday and was the best thing ever for my and her relationship. The DC loved having her there too and she and DH got to spend some quality time together one evening when I opted to stay in whilst the DC slept.

She's coming away again this year. Parents have declined the invitation (again for a ridiculous reason after years of wanting to go away with us) so we won't be inviting them again.

Both mine and DH parents live 2+ hours away, so a family holiday is a great way to spend time together without one family needing to host.

@RhubarbFairy What did you and MIL do together on holiday that improved your relationship, or I guess how did it improve?

[jimboandthejetset]

@spandauballet have you told them yet??

[RhubarbFairy]

@stiritwithaknife

@RhubarbFairy What did you and MIL do together on holiday that improved your relationship, or I guess how did it improve?

DH and I had been together for 20 years at that point, married 11.

She'd always been quite cold and off with me and when we stayed with the ILs, I would tiptoe around, worried about doing something wrong as she'd inevitably complain to DH about me. She accused me of saying things about FIL to SIL when FIL was ill. DH ALWAYS took her side first, asked questions later and would then discover I hadn't actually done anything (after I'd been upset). When FIL died in 2017, she was verbally agressive to me after the wake. I knew emotions were high, but I had done absolutely nothing. That time DH did back me up as he was sat there too.

When my family dropped out, I told DH that I was worried about going, based on past history and his history of siding with her without hearing my side. We had a long conversation about it and he assured me that wouldn't happen.

I think being on neutral ground was helpful. I had the slight advantage as we'd been there many times before, so knew the lay of the land, however it still wasn't my or her turf.

I think she started to see me differently. DH is her darling, her golden child (though he doesn't see it). They are very close and DHs brother is a bit useless tbh, so DH supports her more, despite living further away. I don't think she ever understood just how much I do for DH and the DC and that changed on holiday (DH is capable, but I'm naturally the one that gets things ready in the mornings etc).

We had nice days at the beach and in the pool, just informally chatting or playing air hockey in the bar. Just having fun together, which is not something we'd ever done. We'd play cards and I found out that she loves cards. So do I. So I taught her a card game and she taught us one. We even played cards 1:1 one night and then ganged up on DH when he joined which was fun.

On the last day, I was up early (DH is a late riser). I packed the bags and loaded the car and then woke DH and asked him to wash up whilst I took the recycling to the bins. He complained about doing it. There was no insulation in the property and we came downstairs to MIL doing it. She gave DH a bollocking for complaining, pointed out how much I'd done whilst he laid in and told him to sweep the floor. He was so sheepish as he got the broom out. I knew I had an ally then.

I think it was the combination of her perception of me and DH changing and having fun together that did it. We've had a good relationship since. She's here this weekend and I'm pleased to see her.

[ManyATime]

@RhubarbFairy
i love a happy ending. Your story and this thread.

[billy1966]

@Fraaahnces

I have been thinking about how OP mentioned that they treat BIL differently. Am wondering if PIL didn’t have an agenda of suddenly extending a “spontaneous” invitation to BIL “now there’s room”. (And paying for that as well…) Maybe sit on the cancellation news until much closer to the date and see if BIL’s flights get booked.

That is quite machiavellian! 🤔interesting...

[Pluvia]

@WimpoleHat

Better to switch the plans, have a super family holiday and still be on half decent terms with the in laws.

Agreed. But that’s why I think OP should tell MIL (calmly, factually) that she has cancelled. “We can’t afford such large accommodation on our own, so have cancelled and will be going back to the drawing board.” It’s then up to MIL to decide (and her problem to sort) what she wants to do with her own booking, but OP can’t then be seen to be playing games/being petty etc.

This. There's so much game-playing going on in so many of these messages. This is your children's grandmother who will be in your life for years. Just give her the facts as above. This is the adult response.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Glad you managed to cancel

i vote tenerife aa love it there. Going in 3w can’t wait

and be nice for both dads to have each other as company

assume dh dad doesn’t get on with mum and can’t take their place - if you hadn’t cancelled

mil will obviously offended that you have decided to go away with her ex now instead of her

[MichelleScarn]

This. There's so much game-playing going on in so many of these messages. This is your children's grandmother who will be in your life for years. Just give her the facts as above. This is the adult response.

You are absolutely right, but it gets annoying when it's always the same people who have to give the 'adult response' which oft ends up conceding to batshit behaviours or acting like they didn't happen!

[stiritwithaknife]

@RhubarbFairy what a lovely read. It's so encouraging to hear for a change about a MIL relationship growing closer.

[Yeside]

Do you not have good relationships with your family? It suggests you don’t. I do lots of holidays with my “nuclear family” but every few years we do a big family one with in laws as we like each other and it’s making memories for us all and our children - it’s great fun and my sister and brother in law and us all do activities on the holiday together and take in turns to babysit. There’s nothing strange about a family holiday with in laws and parents - I take it you never do anything like Christmas together on occasion ?? I’ve got family in quite a few countries and non find this weird …

[Pluvia]

@MichelleScarn

This. There's so much game-playing going on in so many of these messages. This is your children's grandmother who will be in your life for years. Just give her the facts as above. This is the adult response.

You are absolutely right, but it gets annoying when it's always the same people who have to give the 'adult response' which oft ends up conceding to batshit behaviours or acting like they didn't happen!

I know it's hard, but if someone doesn't keep a cool head and take an adult position on this it'll degenerate into chaos. And in the long run the OP will be proud of herself for keeping it factual, calm and grown-up.

[SlatsandFlaps]

@spandauballet Any update?

[WimpoleHat]

the 'adult response' which oft ends up conceding to batshit behaviours or acting like they didn't happen!

I don’t think this is the case here, though - because the OP has actually taken action. She’s tried to discuss the situation and found no solution. She doesn’t want to go ahead in accommodation that’s significantly more expensive than she would have chosen without MIL, so she’s taken action and cancelled. No concession at all here and definite reaction in response. Reasonable behaviour given the the OP had tried to sort it out and was left in the lurch financially. The MIL is now left to face the consequences of having booked accommodation as part of a “family holiday” that is no longer happening and she perhaps no longer wants. She won’t get that time with her son and grandchildren and will probably enjoy the week she has booked a lot less as a result. These are all natural consequences of her behaviour. But not to tell her? That’s just petty.

[Samarie123]

You’re in the news 😜
apple.news/Ap2rz0iq6RkSWzLcU0YDXIg

[WildCoasts]

@Samarie123

You’re in the news 😜
apple.news/Ap2rz0iq6RkSWzLcU0YDXIg

Good reminder for me to never post anything too specific here!

[Theunamedcat]

Well if they didn't know before they do now

[WildCoasts]

@Theunamedcat

Well if they didn't know before they do now

Odds of them reading one specific news site are pretty small.

[LimoncelloMadness]

@RhubarbFairy

DH and I had been together for 20 years at that point, married 11.

She'd always been quite cold and off with me and when we stayed with the ILs, I would tiptoe around, worried about doing something wrong as she'd inevitably complain to DH about me. She accused me of saying things about FIL to SIL when FIL was ill. DH ALWAYS took her side first, asked questions later and would then discover I hadn't actually done anything (after I'd been upset). When FIL died in 2017, she was verbally agressive to me after the wake. I knew emotions were high, but I had done absolutely nothing. That time DH did back me up as he was sat there too.

When my family dropped out, I told DH that I was worried about going, based on past history and his history of siding with her without hearing my side. We had a long conversation about it and he assured me that wouldn't happen.

I think being on neutral ground was helpful. I had the slight advantage as we'd been there many times before, so knew the lay of the land, however it still wasn't my or her turf.

I think she started to see me differently. DH is her darling, her golden child (though he doesn't see it). They are very close and DHs brother is a bit useless tbh, so DH supports her more, despite living further away. I don't think she ever understood just how much I do for DH and the DC and that changed on holiday (DH is capable, but I'm naturally the one that gets things ready in the mornings etc).

We had nice days at the beach and in the pool, just informally chatting or playing air hockey in the bar. Just having fun together, which is not something we'd ever done. We'd play cards and I found out that she loves cards. So do I. So I taught her a card game and she taught us one. We even played cards 1:1 one night and then ganged up on DH when he joined which was fun.

On the last day, I was up early (DH is a late riser). I packed the bags and loaded the car and then woke DH and asked him to wash up whilst I took the recycling to the bins. He complained about doing it. There was no insulation in the property and we came downstairs to MIL doing it. She gave DH a bollocking for complaining, pointed out how much I'd done whilst he laid in and told him to sweep the floor. He was so sheepish as he got the broom out. I knew I had an ally then.

I think it was the combination of her perception of me and DH changing and having fun together that did it. We've had a good relationship since. She's here this weekend and I'm pleased to see her.

This is nice to read but I am a cynic and suspect a lot of the change comes from the fact she is widowed and the power dynamic has changed. She is now in a more vulnerable position so she has had to adapt her behaviour. I hope I’m wrong though.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Has your dh told his mum @spandauballet

needs to come from him IMO

[RhubarbFairy]

@LimoncelloMadness

This is nice to read but I am a cynic and suspect a lot of the change comes from the fact she is widowed and the power dynamic has changed. She is now in a more vulnerable position so she has had to adapt her behaviour. I hope I’m wrong though.

I disagree. There was three years (to the day between FIL passing and us going away). The dynamic stayed the same in those three years. It didn't change until the holiday.

[mrspurp751]

Any update?

I’d calmly say you’ve cancelled as couldn’t afford the extra cost, you are looking at alternatives and hope they have a nice time, simple and to the point, she’s made this issue not you so she will have to sort it!

am cynically thinking BIL was moaning about no holiday and she would have dropped in how he can freely use that room ‘after all you said don’t need it’ but that’s backfired spectacularly if was the aim!

go away with both your dads and have a lovely time