Parents in law and holiday bill - please tell me who is in the wrong!

[spandauballet]

Husband and I get on well with his parents (mum and step dad). They live in Cornwall, we go down regularly, they come up to London to see us etc. They are lovely, generous, very hands on with our kids etc.

In Jan we agreed we'd all go on holiday together this year. We went to Majorca together in 2017 which was lovely, so decided to go again this July and also include my dad who gets on well with them too. In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those, they don't mind. We chose a 4-bed apartment, consulted everyone, and I booked and payed (£2400), with us all agreeing to split costs (40% us, 30/30% parents).

Over Easter we went down to Cornwall for a week and whilst there DH had a disagreement with his stepdad. Nothing to do with holiday whatsoever but ended in very heated discussion and MIL getting upset. (Neither were right or wrong just different opinions and they should have just agreed to disagree). Without consulting us MIL booked separate accommodation for July, saying she needs “somewhere to go should things kick off whilst we are on holiday”. She also decided without discussion that what we had booked is not big enough.

When asked, she stated they would not pay their share of the one I'd already booked. This leaves us with £750-ish added to our holiday bill without any consultation. I am livid. Neither of them seem to think this is bad since we are "getting use of an extra bedroom". I don't need an extra bedroom - our kids are 5 and 2 and will share.

AIBU to think you can't just decide not to partake in an agreed holiday without paying your share? If I had already got their share, she would not have booked a new place! What do I do now?

Your MIL isn't being very unreasonable and doesn't seem to care about you being out of pocket.
Ask the owner if they have a 3 bed you could swap to instead.
Does your MIL expect to come over and spend time during the day and evening with you all in the apartment ? How much time does she now expect/ think you are all going to spend together on holidays after this?
If you can't get a refund or swap to another apartment, definitely ask you fil or someone else to go. Make the best of the holiday for your own family & dad now.

This is why the UK obsession with holidaying with parents and inlaws should die out. It rarely ends well. And it's just so weird. As a non-UKer I never heard of the concept of going on holidays with inlaws until this site. It's just so weird, I don't understand why people do it. Holidays here are nuclear family only (mum, dad, little kids). Not adult children and inlaws. Just don't do it. It ruins relationships and it's not worth it.

No holidays with adult children??! 😱why??? They are still my children

Sounds like your MIL was impetuous and really doesn't like even minor conflict / debate.

Why doesn't your DH speak to his parents?

Why can't he say to them
'Look we really want to go on holiday with you. We booked the accommodation on that basis. We really can't afford to absorb your £750 or only 50% of the holiday if we cancel. Please could you reconsider?'

Also I would still go on holiday, if you can afford it

If they are at separate accommodation and relations still haven't thawed, you don't need to see them.

As pp have advised, ask the owner if there is a smaller place you can take instead. If there is, that's one headache solved.

Agree! Get DH to talk to his DM and sort things out- regardless of holiday shes his mother so get things back on track.

As a non-UKer I never heard of the concept of going on holidays with inlaws until this site

Funny. Usually we in the UK are criticised for our lack of family closeness, not doing multi-generational things together.

I would get DH to have a word with his step-dad. They had the Barney and seemed to be over it, but MIL is the issue. Get hubby to explain that you can’t absorb the extra cost and MIL refusing to pay as agreed has left a very sour taste.

As PIL obviously had agreed to pay the costs, it’s pretty bad show that she’s now refusing to cough up.

Having said that, I would be so cross with her, I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with them now. As others have said, can you change the date and take DH father with you?

Just cancel.

I'd still go on the holiday...better to lose (by paying) 750 than over £2k.

But maybe make a lot of your own plans with your dad during your time there.

I'd be wanting DH to let them know how much they've screwed you over though, I can't believe they don't care they are causing you to pay £750 extra.

Tell them you can't afford another £750 on top of what you're already paying, and will have to cancel. Or, as a pp has already said, get another family member to go with you.

This is horrendous behaviour on her part. Is she extremely well off and out of touch? I wouldn't cancel, but until she pays up and apologises, I wouldn't be dropping it with her. This would be a hill I'd die on to be honest, it's completely disrespectful to your family. That's £750 of her grandchildrens money, essentially.

Sounds like the disagreement was far more serious than you think in terms of repercussions.

It is awful what she has done.

We managed to holiday with my parents for several years. That would be because we were all reasonable human beings who didn’t fall out at the drop of a hat and enjoyed each others’ company. Your posts telling us how much better things are in your country - wherever it is - are getting tiresome @TalkingCat.

Really? I would never expect my dgc to pay the same as the adults on a holiday. Yes, the op should maybe cover the extra costs for food, meals out or entrance fee for entertainment (though I wouldn’t expect that either to be honest), but definitely not for accommodation. If you were going to a hotel the cost per child is lower than the cost per adult!

With that thinking, dh’s mum and stepdad should be paying more than the OP’s dd. Yes they are each using 1 bedroom, but they are all using same facilities so 2 people are getting much more benefit of the apartment facilities than 1!

I still can’t believe that some posters would actually expect that their little, 2 and 5 year old, dgc should pay the same as them for accommodation! 🙄

That's incredibly rude, inconsiderate and selfish. I wouldn't want to go through with it either on their newly dictated terms.

Could you change dates of the villa, if not the villa itself? Maybe to cheaper dates to recoup some of the extra cost? It's difficult with school hols though.

Firstly this is NOT about the heated debate between your dh and his SD, she has already said very clearly she thought it was too small for all of you (how are they feeling about your Dad going I wonder?)

Your MIL is using that incident as an excuse to change the holiday to their liking.
Which is fine if she was prepared to pay for the change but she isn't, and that is the very difficult part.
I wouldn't want to go now either, and would be very upset. Your poor dh too, it is not great to be on the receiving end of ill treatment from your parents.

I would either plead to change the date and switch to next year and rebook
Or take the hit and rebook elsewhere

This holiday is doomed, and very sadly you all going together could make things even worse than they already are - holidays are too precious to be ruined. she has behaved appallingly.

If you were going to a hotel the cost per child is lower than the cost per adult!

Most hotels charge per room. If they had two rooms the cost would be exactly the same.

@Karmastar yours is much the most sensible and grown up approach. Definitely worth trying first.

OP what does your dad think? He might well fall in with your plan to change the holiday but he needs a vote too. He might have a different solution.

MIL has acted appallingly. You don't just lumber your loved ones with a £750 bill because you make a spur of the moment decision.
She should at least have discussed with you before doing anything non refundable.
I wouldn't be spending any time with them on holiday unless they at least offered a profuse apology.
Fingers crossed you can reach a resolution with the villa owner OP. How great would it be if you got yourself a refund and then I'd book a different villa far away from where they are staying .

Any siblings or friends you can invite?

I'm another that thinks you did well and your DF did badly out of the deal. He's paying almost as much for just him as you are for 4 people.

We booked to go away with MIL and my parents a couple of years ago. We broke it down per head. As there's 4 of us, we naturally paid the lions share. Think it worked out to about £300 a head for a 4 bed lodge for five nights (France, self drive). MIL is coming with us again this year, same deal. Smaller accommodation as my parents aren't coming, but works out similar per head anyway.

@Swayingpalmtrees the OP said that they had all agreed to go on holiday together in January, so if she was unhappy with the OP’s df going she should have said so then, rather than wait till everything is booked.

You also said “she has already said very clearly she thought it was too small for all of you.” The OP has made it very clear that her mil was very involved in choosing the accommodation for them all. “In March MIL found 5 accommodation options and sent them to us, saying we can choose out of those.” Mil dictated that the OP was to choose one of the options she had given her, so why on earth would she have included an apartment that she thought was going to be too small for all of them? In fact, the others going (if they do go), are now actually having to stay in mil’s choice of apartment!

I have actually just looked up a range of hotels in Majorca. In a nice hotel, with same grade of room, the cost of a family room (which would obviously be the choice, given the age of OP’s dc), instead of a double room is not double the price. Some SC hotels don’t charge any extra, whilst some HB or AI charge from 10% extra per child!