Husband poor personal hygiene

[husbandsmellshelp]

I am really struggling with my husbands lack of personal hygiene and it is starting to make me quite angry!

He refuses to use deodorant and I have to prompt him to shower. Currently he has not had a shower for four or five days, I have said a few times over the past few days that he is starting to smell of BO and he still hasn’t had a shower. I have told him he needs to shower every day and wear clean clothes, he doesn’t. He will walk around with close covered in stains, he works from home most of the time. On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly… I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I’m not!

He has very thick curly hair and does not wash his scalp properly and it smells. I have bought him a silicone scalp scrubber, I bought him clarifying shampoo. I don’t think he uses them.

He’s been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

He doesn’t clean his teeth properly, I have observed this and he literally puts the brush in his mouth for 10 seconds gives a quick swoosh around, spits and off he goes. I’ve told him he needs to brush his teeth for a couple of minutes many many times…… His breath really smells and it smells like plaque, I don’t think he has had a scale and polish in a few years. He has been telling me recently he has bleeding gums… No wonder!

We moved house awhile ago and are still on a waiting list for a new dentist on the NHS, but he could afford to go for a private scale and polish as I have done. I have suggested this many times and he won’t do it.

He asked me to look in his ears with a special otoscope that I bought recently (at one point I thought I had a perforated eardrum and I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment), they are completely blocked with brown waxy plugs. I sent him details of somewhere in our closest town that does your irrigation cleaning, he hasn’t made an appointment and I doubt he will. I can’t be bothered to remind him anymore! I do think his ears smell also. His ears and nose also have lots of thick long hair is coming out of them, he doesn’t do anything about it.

I have to prompt him to cut his nails because they end up long and dirty. Quite often his hands smell because he scratches his balls and his arse and doesn’t wash his hands!

We do not share a bed anymore, he snores terribly but also I don’t want to be near him because he smells. I won’t use a pillow he has used because it smells of musty old hair sebum!

I could go on… I think his mother had mental health problems and his dad died when he was quite young so he probably was never taught how to have proper standards for hygiene. The only reason he has any clean clothes because I wash them! He will wear clothes until they are literally rags and I throw them away and use his money to buy him new ones.

I think you may have undiagnosed ADD, he was in a special-needs class at school in the late 70s because he couldn’t pay attention, and he is still very forgetful and wonders off halfway through a conversation etc. Obviously I’m not a mental health professional but I wonder if these traits contribute.

What is making me angry is that I am constantly prompting him and telling that he smells, he ignores me. I find it quite disrespectful. He went through a phase of being quite angry with me for not wanting to hug him or get close to him or kiss him. He seems to have given up and is no longer angry and no longer tries to get close to me. I did to tell him clearly many times over the past few years why I don’t want to get close to him! We have not had sex in three years, I cannot bear the thought of being physically close to him or kissing him.

He is actually a very nice man, but I’m seriously thinking I’m going to have to and things over this. This will be a real shame because we have two little girls.

I don't know where to go from here.

@Nanny0gg Of course I have friends! I haven't spoke to anybody in real life about this. It's quite embarrassing.

@2bazookas

On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly

No you don't. Just let the pig go to work filthy and stinking..

But then he loses his job and she's stuck with a stinking, jobless homebody and worse finances.

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@Nanny0gg Of course I have friends! I haven't spoke to anybody in real life about this. It's quite embarrassing.[/quote]
I was once put on secondment abroad and so socialised a lot with my colleagues. One was a gorgeous woman going out wiht a british man who stank. I mean, I couldn't stand within a metre of him. And yet she was beautiful and fragrant. The woman on secondment with me turned out to be someone he'd had a desperate crush on at school and he kept hanging around her. I couldn't work out why his gorgeous girlfriend didn't chuck him and why he didn't scrub up if he thought he stood a chance two-timing her with my glamorous friend. He looked so normal, was very posh, charming manners but reeked.

Ok well that's something OP. I completely understand not speaking to anyone in real life about this.

Ultimately, if he isn't prepared to go to the doctors because this isn't a problem for him, you have to decide, are you prepared to live with a man who only tries to resolve problems for himself and not for the couple? What this really means is, can you live like this, for as long as he behaves this way, on this and any issues that aren't a problem for HIM?

Well if he’s not going to change and you won’t leave, then there’s nothing you can do.

Shower together? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 sorry this is the only advice I can really think of.
He sounds like he has serious sensory problems, might be worth getting him to the doctors.

There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. If he wanted to, he would maintain his basic hygiene but he clearly just doesn’t care. It’s completely unacceptable. You (and your children) don’t deserve to live like this. I hope you find a solution OP.

Whatever the root cause, be it lazziness or ADHD or depression, he has unilaterally decided to do things his way and refused to change to accomodate you, his wife. That is a sackable offense in my view.

@husbandsmellshelp

I suppose I mentioned the fact that his dad died when he was very young and his mother struggled to cope as a way of being sympathetic to him. It's not an excuse, but it could be a contributing factor in that he is predisposed to lack of personal hygiene.

But you say yourself he wasn't always like this.

So he does know how to do it.
He just can't be arsed - and he clearly doesn't think you're worth the effort or he'd have done something about it by now.

So your choices are to live with a filthy minger or find someone who actually gives a damn.

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@Nanny0gg Of course I have friends! I haven't spoke to anybody in real life about this. It's quite embarrassing.[/quote]
The reason I ask is do they come to your house? Have they met your husband?

however, these conditions are life long.

Yes, but a change in circumstance often makes symptoms much, much harder to mask.

Looking back, I have always displayed ASD and ADHD traits, right back to when I was a toddler. But things got a lot harder when I hit puberty. Then they became unbearable two years ago, when all of my carefully constructed coping techniques went out the window and suddenly I had to regulate myself with no help.

OP says her husband has displayed traits since childhood and, as I said upthread, it's likely that the stress/routine change of having children has made his traits harder to manage.

@husbandsmellshelp - imagine it’s x many years into the future. Your children have grown and fled the nest. Your husbands hygiene and state of his office have got worse. Probably encroaching in other areas of daily life. What do you envision the rest of your life like when it’s just the two of you. Would you stay with him if he won’t take steps to improve himself? Are you only with him because of the children? Is that what you want for another 40+ years?

@Gowithme

I would guess at ASD as well as possible ADD from all you've said so please don't listen to people who try to make out he is terrible, it's likely he just experiences things very differently. I doubt he is in anyway whatsoever trying to disrespect you.

It is extremely common for people with ASD to find the smell/taste/feel of things really horrible. For example my ds cannot stand the feel of shower water falling on him, normal adult tooth paste burns his mouth, the smell of some soaps gives him a headache.

It is also often very difficult for people with ASD to put themselves in others shoes and appreciate where they are coming from. It is very common for them to not be bothered about BO because it doesn't bother them. There's also not the desire to fit in to what society suggests tell us we should do and be - they are often the least shallow and least judgey on appearance people you will ever meet - personally I think there is a lot we could learn from that.

Showering every day really isn't necessary, and uses a lot of resources both water and electricity/gas, clothes can often be worn more than once without washing - again washing clothes (apart from underwear/socks) every day is really environmentally unfriendly. Not to mention all the soap/shampoo/washing liquid chemicals that are used.

I think you need to talk to him about it, you have to accept these things are not important to him and there may be reasons he doesn't like them. You might be able to work together on some things though and get him into routines that work for you both.

Here's what I'd do. Do you have a bath? He may be more comfortable in a bath - it's really not necessary to have one every day though. Can you get him some Trust deodorant or one of the others that lasts for several days? You put in on once (although Trust is not the easiest application as you have to use your finger to put it on and he might not like that) but it really works for a few days. I would also recommend a children's tooth paste such as sensodyne, it doesn't have that really strong minty taste.

You might need to take over some of his personal grooming a little, I shave my OH's head and do his eye brows - could you get a trimmer and do his ears and nose? Would he let you? Does he have nail clippers to do his nails or scissors? He might find his nails quite hard to do or not like doing them but might be willing to let you if you're happy to.

I'd imagine that life is quite a struggle for him and he is going to need to be with someone pretty understanding that is able to get where he's coming from and that might be too much to ask of you, just be gentle if you decide you have to call it a day.

Good grief, this is the woman's husband, not a pet dog that needs grooming ! If there are no mh issues here I couldn't put up with this. If there are, op needs to think long and hard whether this is something she can deal with on a permanent basis

YANBU, it's understandable you're not happy. You're living with someone filthy. Let's not blame this on asd /Adhd and excuse it . I'm sure there are plenty lovely, ASD/ADHD and neurotypical men out there who are clean. HTH.

Stinky bummy hands! Good god, I wouldn’t want him to touch the DC let alone anything else in the house! That is beyond the pale and a bacterial infection risk for your DC.

Have you ever given him a ultimatum? Clean up or marriage is over and mean it. If he’s not motivated to have a shower to wash his dirty bum, which is probably why he’s scratching it, by the potential break up of his family then nothing will motivate him.

You've described my father to the T. It won't get better.

Unless he's willing to help himself, I would suggest leaving. You'll only grow in resentment. You deserve happiness.

I actually wanted to vomit reading your op and it takes a hell of a lot for me to feel that. I could not cope with this, and for me, the relationship would be over. It is utterly repellent.

I have some ADHD/ASD and I just throw myself into the bath (usually cold as I'm not organized etc enough to heat the water) , scrub with soap, wash it off and am in and out within a few minutes. So in terms of length of time it's not arduous at all. I do think an ultimatum will help, as you know he can do these things. He's just currently taking people he interacts with (especially you) for granted.

I could have written this exact post about my ex. In the end he went round telling everyone I was a prude and had no sex drive. I meannnn! I left after that and he is his wife’s problem now :)

I’m afraid you’re trying desperately hard to convince yourself the children wouldn’t want you to separate and it would be worse for them. But them growing up with a parent who doesn’t take care of themself and is not in a healthy and functioning/intimate relationship with the other parent will have a significant impact on them, especially as they get older. You cannot micromanage your way out of them. And convincing yourself that it is the lesser of 2 evils is doing yourself and them a strong disservice. I’m not suggesting you abandon your husband - but that he has to understand it cannot continue…but if it does, then you need to take action to protect your children. And I would suggest getting counselling for yourself, even if your husband won’t participate.

My OH was/is the same! Amongst other things (he cheated through messaging-although I don't know if it went further) and he was lazy! Wouldn't help out in the home. Would literally be a man child on games. I told him he had to go and become a proper man! So far he has been okay? But recently he makes plans with me me (but not any family related). He has washed before coming to mine... but not at mine?

I'm in the same position as you (maybe worse, maybe the same)

But if they do not change than they are no good is what I'm getting from all this

I think you have to decide to leave him but to do it in a very careful way.

First speak to his GP about his lack of executive function and keep on about it to DH too to the point it's almost the only thing you say to him.

It has to be much more of a thing in your household. It's not good that it's bothering only you to such a massive degree as this is actually a huge massive problem. Just because it's only you that is acutely aware of it, doesn't mean it's insignificant. Make massive noise. Put pressure on to the point he either cleans up his act to the point you are happy or you leave but the authorities/social services are involved enough to stop him having responsibility for the DC due to his lack of executive function.

You have to either put up and shut up or blow this thing up so much that it's sorted out to the benefit of you and your DC (and your DH will probably ultimately benefit also).

At the moment you are just about coping and the kids are too young to cop on. In a very short amount of time your MH will break and the kids will start to be appalled. Your gut is screaming at you to sort this massive problem out now for good reason. There is no future in leaving it as it is.

All of that was meant kindly by the way. There are some problems with no solution. This one does have a solution but only at the cost of you potentially looking and feeling terrible. For the DC, make a start though.

Can totally relate to your post, hubby goes weeks without washing, refuses to see anything wrong... I'm nagging. Slept apart for six years, end of my tether, refusing to to see Dr. One more month and I'm out