Husband poor personal hygiene

[husbandsmellshelp]

I am really struggling with my husbands lack of personal hygiene and it is starting to make me quite angry!

He refuses to use deodorant and I have to prompt him to shower. Currently he has not had a shower for four or five days, I have said a few times over the past few days that he is starting to smell of BO and he still hasn’t had a shower. I have told him he needs to shower every day and wear clean clothes, he doesn’t. He will walk around with close covered in stains, he works from home most of the time. On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly… I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I’m not!

He has very thick curly hair and does not wash his scalp properly and it smells. I have bought him a silicone scalp scrubber, I bought him clarifying shampoo. I don’t think he uses them.

He’s been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

He doesn’t clean his teeth properly, I have observed this and he literally puts the brush in his mouth for 10 seconds gives a quick swoosh around, spits and off he goes. I’ve told him he needs to brush his teeth for a couple of minutes many many times…… His breath really smells and it smells like plaque, I don’t think he has had a scale and polish in a few years. He has been telling me recently he has bleeding gums… No wonder!

We moved house awhile ago and are still on a waiting list for a new dentist on the NHS, but he could afford to go for a private scale and polish as I have done. I have suggested this many times and he won’t do it.

He asked me to look in his ears with a special otoscope that I bought recently (at one point I thought I had a perforated eardrum and I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment), they are completely blocked with brown waxy plugs. I sent him details of somewhere in our closest town that does your irrigation cleaning, he hasn’t made an appointment and I doubt he will. I can’t be bothered to remind him anymore! I do think his ears smell also. His ears and nose also have lots of thick long hair is coming out of them, he doesn’t do anything about it.

I have to prompt him to cut his nails because they end up long and dirty. Quite often his hands smell because he scratches his balls and his arse and doesn’t wash his hands!

We do not share a bed anymore, he snores terribly but also I don’t want to be near him because he smells. I won’t use a pillow he has used because it smells of musty old hair sebum!

I could go on… I think his mother had mental health problems and his dad died when he was quite young so he probably was never taught how to have proper standards for hygiene. The only reason he has any clean clothes because I wash them! He will wear clothes until they are literally rags and I throw them away and use his money to buy him new ones.

I think you may have undiagnosed ADD, he was in a special-needs class at school in the late 70s because he couldn’t pay attention, and he is still very forgetful and wonders off halfway through a conversation etc. Obviously I’m not a mental health professional but I wonder if these traits contribute.

What is making me angry is that I am constantly prompting him and telling that he smells, he ignores me. I find it quite disrespectful. He went through a phase of being quite angry with me for not wanting to hug him or get close to him or kiss him. He seems to have given up and is no longer angry and no longer tries to get close to me. I did to tell him clearly many times over the past few years why I don’t want to get close to him! We have not had sex in three years, I cannot bear the thought of being physically close to him or kissing him.

He is actually a very nice man, but I’m seriously thinking I’m going to have to and things over this. This will be a real shame because we have two little girls.

I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you for the understanding responses so far.

I spend a lot of my life feeling simultaneously monstrous for repeatedly telling somebody that they smell, and utterly utterly lonely.

I have just realised how many typos are in my posts… I'm glad people are able to understand them. I'm always in such a rush I tend to audio transcribe and then give it a quick proof read… Which obviously doesn't really work!

@WTF475878237NC

I'd be extremely angry about his behaviour. It's not OK to behave like a decent human being when you're dating and then no longer give a shit about any kind of standards once married.

This. I would feel conned.

Fucking hell it's knocked me sick just reading this, I'm really sorry OP. I just couldn't live like this. I wouldn't accept this from any of my kids and the youngest is 5 years old.

@husbandsmellshelp

I spend a lot of my life feeling simultaneously monstrous for repeatedly telling somebody that they smell, and utterly utterly lonely.

Your daughters can see and feel how lonely you are in this marriage. You are condemning them to make the same mistakes you have when they become adults. They are learning that this type of toxic relationship is normal. There is nothing normal about how you are choosing to live.

My children aren't exposed to any of these conversations. They never see anything negative.

You don’t really have a husband. You have an adult child that you take care of.

Is that really what you want ?

Presumably your children will as they get older notice his poor personal hygiene and either be embarrassed by it or will follow a similar trajectory which such a poor example to follow.

@husbandsmellshelp

My children aren't exposed to any of these conversations. They never see anything negative.

You are deluding yourself. Children always know. They aren't daft.

@Roundeartheratchriatmas no it isn't ! But just leaving isn't simple. It would be months of hell, we'd have to move, my children would be upset. It's not straightforward hence i haven't done it yet.

This is really gross OP and I wouldn't blame you for leaving him over this, especially as it's affecting your intimacy. What's the point of being in a relationship if you don't go near each other?

My DH was dragged up and don't think he was ever taught proper hygiene so I had to train him but he's pretty good now. He didn't brush his teeth properly either so I bought him an electric toothbrush and told him I had programmed it so I would get a notification to my phone if he didn't brush his teeth twice a day for the full two minutes. This was a lie but it seemed to work and brought me much amusement . I kept prompting him to get a bath or shower each night until it became habit and bought him deodorant and if his breath smells I just tell him he needs to brush his teeth better. Sounds cruel but it's for his benefit too, not just mine. I don't want his work colleagues to think he stinks. Sounds like this hasn't worked with your DH though unfortunately

You're surely not modelling a healthy relationship because you can't bear affectionate contact with him (understandably!). I feel sorry for the children as well because their noses work just a well as yours does, I assume. He must be embarrassing to them.

@Aquamarine1029 I can honestly assure you that my children are very happy balanced individuals, who love both their parents immensely. Please stop trying to suggest otherwise, it's really really not helpful. I'm not saying I should put up with this or stay. But I also reject the idea that my children would be automatically happier if we broke up (although I would in the long run).

Can we please not turn this into a series of attacks on my parenting, it's quite distressing. My children are extremely happy.

@husbandsmellshelp

My children aren't exposed to any of these conversations. They never see anything negative.

They may not be party to the conversations but they will see you sleeping separately and sense your revulsion at having him near you. They will absorb far more than you think and it will affect their understanding of how relationships work. Additionally, the older they get the more aware they will be for themselves and will feel horribly embarrassed, not want friends around, feel they have to hide this from anyone knowing. It’s not fair on them and it’s no life for you. Perhaps if you do leave it will give him the impetus to look into how he can improve things.

I initially read this and assumed it was a joke. Your DH must have mental health issues to think this is acceptable. You need to get help for him and if he refuses then I’d leave him.

Surely colleagues and friends must notice?

From what you say, there is some SEN going on in the background.

However, he is able to work. He was able to stay clean enough that you married him and had a child with him. So it’s not as if he just cannot do it at all iyswim.

Atm you are treating like a child. It’s exhausting for you. It also means that your DH isn’t a partner anymore.
And on his side, if someone was constantly telling me what to, to wash my hair, my teeth, change my clothes, it would be like putting a red rag in front of a bull. I’d be refusing to do it!

The bottom line is that he might need support. He might need reminding. But you reminding him is only going to work if HE wants you to remind him. Whatever the reasons he is not doing those things, HE needs to want to change or have systems in place so he can cope with that.
Atm he doesn’t.

Also going to see the GP and getting a diagnosis is all good but it won’t change him. It won’t change his behaviour unless he sees that as a reflection of his struggles and therefore his needs for support (whatever sharp that might take). You need to be aware that he could get a diagnosis and then refuse to change anything ‘because that’s how he is. How dare you asking so many things from him’.

Regarding the sleeping separately, I think this would happen in any case because of his snoring. We may start out of the same bed but would ultimately probably end up in separate beds so we could get some sleep…… I don't think that's too abnormal, they don't know the reasons we are in separate beds. Perhaps as they get older it would become more of a problem and it would realise more… They are still very young.

Surely colleagues and friends must notice?

He works from home 99% of the time.

@husbandsmellshelp

Regarding the sleeping separately, I think this would happen in any case because of his snoring. We may start out of the same bed but would ultimately probably end up in separate beds so we could get some sleep…… I don't think that's too abnormal, they don't know the reasons we are in separate beds. Perhaps as they get older it would become more of a problem and it would realise more… They are still very young.

Will he see the doctor about the snoring? Maybe he'll be more honest with them if he is struggling mentally once he's there.

Won't go to doctor about snoring either !!

If his hands often smell of unwashed arse and balls then everyone is aware, including your children.

I see it as a form of abuse and would be looking to end the marriage. You'll never fix it.

@husbandsmellshelp

Won't go to doctor about snoring either !!

Have you told him how lonely you feel? How you feel like you're just housemates if you're not intimidate, don't sleep in the same bed etc?

Does he want to stay in the marriage?