Husband poor personal hygiene

[husbandsmellshelp]

I am really struggling with my husbands lack of personal hygiene and it is starting to make me quite angry!

He refuses to use deodorant and I have to prompt him to shower. Currently he has not had a shower for four or five days, I have said a few times over the past few days that he is starting to smell of BO and he still hasn’t had a shower. I have told him he needs to shower every day and wear clean clothes, he doesn’t. He will walk around with close covered in stains, he works from home most of the time. On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly… I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I’m not!

He has very thick curly hair and does not wash his scalp properly and it smells. I have bought him a silicone scalp scrubber, I bought him clarifying shampoo. I don’t think he uses them.

He’s been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

He doesn’t clean his teeth properly, I have observed this and he literally puts the brush in his mouth for 10 seconds gives a quick swoosh around, spits and off he goes. I’ve told him he needs to brush his teeth for a couple of minutes many many times…… His breath really smells and it smells like plaque, I don’t think he has had a scale and polish in a few years. He has been telling me recently he has bleeding gums… No wonder!

We moved house awhile ago and are still on a waiting list for a new dentist on the NHS, but he could afford to go for a private scale and polish as I have done. I have suggested this many times and he won’t do it.

He asked me to look in his ears with a special otoscope that I bought recently (at one point I thought I had a perforated eardrum and I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment), they are completely blocked with brown waxy plugs. I sent him details of somewhere in our closest town that does your irrigation cleaning, he hasn’t made an appointment and I doubt he will. I can’t be bothered to remind him anymore! I do think his ears smell also. His ears and nose also have lots of thick long hair is coming out of them, he doesn’t do anything about it.

I have to prompt him to cut his nails because they end up long and dirty. Quite often his hands smell because he scratches his balls and his arse and doesn’t wash his hands!

We do not share a bed anymore, he snores terribly but also I don’t want to be near him because he smells. I won’t use a pillow he has used because it smells of musty old hair sebum!

I could go on… I think his mother had mental health problems and his dad died when he was quite young so he probably was never taught how to have proper standards for hygiene. The only reason he has any clean clothes because I wash them! He will wear clothes until they are literally rags and I throw them away and use his money to buy him new ones.

I think you may have undiagnosed ADD, he was in a special-needs class at school in the late 70s because he couldn’t pay attention, and he is still very forgetful and wonders off halfway through a conversation etc. Obviously I’m not a mental health professional but I wonder if these traits contribute.

What is making me angry is that I am constantly prompting him and telling that he smells, he ignores me. I find it quite disrespectful. He went through a phase of being quite angry with me for not wanting to hug him or get close to him or kiss him. He seems to have given up and is no longer angry and no longer tries to get close to me. I did to tell him clearly many times over the past few years why I don’t want to get close to him! We have not had sex in three years, I cannot bear the thought of being physically close to him or kissing him.

He is actually a very nice man, but I’m seriously thinking I’m going to have to and things over this. This will be a real shame because we have two little girls.

I don't know where to go from here.

[husbandsmellshelp]

Argh. *I don't think he's neurotypical...

[cherrysthename]

He may not be neurotypical, but even if he is, the end result is the same. There are loads of mothers out there who aren't neurotypical, but they find coping mechanisms and ways around their difficulties in order to be good parents. Your DH does nothing, he relies on you to prompt him and cajole him into domestic tasks and basic self care. It's not good enough.

[HesterShaw1]

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@Aquamarine1029 but I honestly don't think they'd be happier if we split up. That is the reason for my reticence. I think they'd miss their dad terribly. I think it would be a struggle. If I genuinely though for ONE moment that my children were suffering because of my husbands ways then this marriage would be over. It may literally be because they are so young, that I'm confident they're obvious. This may change as time goes on.

[/quote]
But what about you? Don't you deserve to be happier and more satisfied?

[Candleabra]

This is so sad. I can feel your frustration and you’re so desperate to believe this isn’t affecting the children. But it is. And it will even more as they grow older. A kind man who loves his kids does not leave everything to their mother whilst he lazes around in filth.
You can’t make your husband change, only he can do that.

[Spinakker]

Can't you just be blunt with him and say- look you stink- you need to shower every day and brush your teeth properly and if your not going to do that we are over.

[HesterShaw1]

@cherrysthename

He may not be neurotypical, but even if he is, the end result is the same. There are loads of mothers out there who aren't neurotypical, but they find coping mechanisms and ways around their difficulties in order to be good parents. Your DH does nothing, he relies on you to prompt him and cajole him into domestic tasks and basic self care. It's not good enough.

Yes - excellent point.

Even if your husband is neurodiverse, you are not his parent or his nurse. It's not your duty to fix him.

[husbandsmellshelp]

If we split I'd have to let him look after the girls unsupervised wouldn't I ? I would have no legal or medical basis for preventing this. Probably only after something terrible has happened or they have been neglected for a few weekends in a row, would anybody listen to me.

[girlmom21]

Get advice from a family lawyer.

If it is the case and you stay simply for their safety and well-being, tell him as much. Maybe him realising how close you were to leaving will give him the kick he needs.

[Rosehugger]

DH does this occasionally (and I had to tell him to use deodorant when we got together) - I think it's a reaction to being depressed/anxious/stressed. I have a gentle moan about it, point out the nice toiletries he has and it usually gets better again.

[Rainbowpurple]

If he is a good father that you believe he is, when he is separated from you and supposed to look after his children alone, he will step up. Otherwise he is not as good father as you think he is.

[Makewomenfemaleagain]

Absolutely disgusting.

[HesterShaw1]

@husbandsmellshelp

If we split I'd have to let him look after the girls unsupervised wouldn't I ? I would have no legal or medical basis for preventing this. Probably only after something terrible has happened or they have been neglected for a few weekends in a row, would anybody listen to me.

Do you think this is likely?

[fairylightsandwaxmelts]

This isn't a healthy or happy marriage, and your children will pick up on that. He's also not a good father or husband if he's happy to practise such poor hygiene around his family. If he let your girls walk around the way he does, it would be considered neglect.

You say he wasn't always like this - so he knows exactly how to be clean, he just doesn't think any of you are worth the effort.

Raise your standards. You deserve better than a man who has no sense of personal hygiene or standards. And your girls deserve better than a father who smells.

[husbandsmellshelp]

@HesterShaw1 yes!

[TravellingFrom]

*The difference now is that I can stop my children being neglected, I can constantly observe and step in to make sure things are done. "Micromanage" if you like.8

I get that but you need to remember that this, in itself, is exhausting. That you will grow more amd more ressentful of his behaviour. That there will be more outbursts, more conflict etc... (and if he is ND, the stress of it all might well make things even worse than ther are now).
Remember to put your oxygen mask on FIRST. If the situation isn't manageable on your pov, if you end up burnt out or ill from cinstantky being on the edge and 'directing him', you won't help anyone, least of all the dcs iyswim.

[Candleabra]

I’m sorry to hammer the point home, but if you honestly believe that your husband would neglect your children or cause a terrible accident if you weren’t there then that is a clear sign that all is not well.
He doesn’t have to have joint custody (and probably wouldn’t want it)
You don’t just have the option of doing everything for him for the next 18 years.

[Nothingfree]

Sorry OP he is gross, give him a chance to clean up his act or he's out, you should not have to live with that

[husbandsmellshelp]

I’m sorry to hammer the point home, but if you honestly believe that your husband would neglect your children or cause a terrible accident if you weren’t there then that is a clear sign that all is not well.

But what can I do about this? He won't go to the doctors… So he has no diagnosis, so I can't prove anything!

[husbandsmellshelp]

He would not want to joint custody but he would want them at the weekends, I expect.

[husbandsmellshelp]

What I mean is, I would have to allow him to have unsupervised access (at the weekends most likely). There is no formal reason for me to attempt to deny this. I don't think they would be well looked after in his sole, but I can't prove that. Not until they've been neglected routinely , Then I might have a leg to stand on.

[husbandsmellshelp]

*sole care

[HesterShaw1]

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@HesterShaw1 yes![/quote]
I'm sorry - I don't know much about it. Would it be a good idea to start a log/diary and detail every interaction you have with him over his lack of personal hygiene? If it comes to splitting up and splitting access you don't want to wait until the girls are neglected by him routinely.

[Waterfordaston]

Oh I feel for you. This was me and my husband. Now my ex. He simply could not join up that his behaviour (stinking) had a consequence (me finding him revolting.)

We divorced. He does have the kids, he’s ultra cautious when they stay with him and they do t go anywhere or do anything except gaming.

[Waterfordaston]

And from what you’ve said he isn’t gojng to be savvy enough to put together a compelling case about why he’s a brilliant parent.

[husbandsmellshelp]

@Waterfordaston Thanks for your response, how old are your children when you divorced? If you don't mind me asking. Mine are only three and four so completely depend on an adult.