Husband poor personal hygiene

[husbandsmellshelp]

I am really struggling with my husbands lack of personal hygiene and it is starting to make me quite angry!

He refuses to use deodorant and I have to prompt him to shower. Currently he has not had a shower for four or five days, I have said a few times over the past few days that he is starting to smell of BO and he still hasn’t had a shower. I have told him he needs to shower every day and wear clean clothes, he doesn’t. He will walk around with close covered in stains, he works from home most of the time. On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly… I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I’m not!

He has very thick curly hair and does not wash his scalp properly and it smells. I have bought him a silicone scalp scrubber, I bought him clarifying shampoo. I don’t think he uses them.

He’s been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

He doesn’t clean his teeth properly, I have observed this and he literally puts the brush in his mouth for 10 seconds gives a quick swoosh around, spits and off he goes. I’ve told him he needs to brush his teeth for a couple of minutes many many times…… His breath really smells and it smells like plaque, I don’t think he has had a scale and polish in a few years. He has been telling me recently he has bleeding gums… No wonder!

We moved house awhile ago and are still on a waiting list for a new dentist on the NHS, but he could afford to go for a private scale and polish as I have done. I have suggested this many times and he won’t do it.

He asked me to look in his ears with a special otoscope that I bought recently (at one point I thought I had a perforated eardrum and I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment), they are completely blocked with brown waxy plugs. I sent him details of somewhere in our closest town that does your irrigation cleaning, he hasn’t made an appointment and I doubt he will. I can’t be bothered to remind him anymore! I do think his ears smell also. His ears and nose also have lots of thick long hair is coming out of them, he doesn’t do anything about it.

I have to prompt him to cut his nails because they end up long and dirty. Quite often his hands smell because he scratches his balls and his arse and doesn’t wash his hands!

We do not share a bed anymore, he snores terribly but also I don’t want to be near him because he smells. I won’t use a pillow he has used because it smells of musty old hair sebum!

I could go on… I think his mother had mental health problems and his dad died when he was quite young so he probably was never taught how to have proper standards for hygiene. The only reason he has any clean clothes because I wash them! He will wear clothes until they are literally rags and I throw them away and use his money to buy him new ones.

I think you may have undiagnosed ADD, he was in a special-needs class at school in the late 70s because he couldn’t pay attention, and he is still very forgetful and wonders off halfway through a conversation etc. Obviously I’m not a mental health professional but I wonder if these traits contribute.

What is making me angry is that I am constantly prompting him and telling that he smells, he ignores me. I find it quite disrespectful. He went through a phase of being quite angry with me for not wanting to hug him or get close to him or kiss him. He seems to have given up and is no longer angry and no longer tries to get close to me. I did to tell him clearly many times over the past few years why I don’t want to get close to him! We have not had sex in three years, I cannot bear the thought of being physically close to him or kissing him.

He is actually a very nice man, but I’m seriously thinking I’m going to have to and things over this. This will be a real shame because we have two little girls.

I don't know where to go from here.

@husbandsmellshelp

What I mean is, I would have to allow him to have unsupervised access (at the weekends most likely). There is no formal reason for me to attempt to deny this. I don't think they would be well looked after in his sole, but I can't prove that. Not until they've been neglected routinely , Then I might have a leg to stand on.

I hate to say it, but would he even be interested in seeing them?

Yes he would definitely be interested in seeing them, but only at the weekends I think. He would not want it to hinder his working week!

Mine were all KS2 when he left. The relief was glorious. We had a very hostile relationship by then because he perceived literally every interaction from me as a slight. It was beyond exhausting. Two of my kids have ASD and I was having to manage them AND my ex husband. I nearly lost my mind, and my greatest regret is not calling time on things much sooner.

My ex is also demand-avoidant and actually although he won’t admit it, he is happier and calmer too because he only has himself to deal with.

Fuck, it’s all coming back to me. He answered every request, no matter how mundane or essential as “why can’t you do it?” I was breastfeeding the baby and the toddler needed changing and he could see that but didn’t fancy doing it and was I think, waiting for me to TELL him, so he could argue with me. (Like a fucking awkward teen) So I said “George needs changing, his nappy is leaking” he said “why can’t you do it?” I said “I’m breastfeeding, why can’t you do it?” And then he went off on a rant about how he was sick of being nagged.

In fact, he couldn’t cope with demands of family life, and of being a husband and father AND doing a job. It was all too much and instead he would simply absent himself to his hobbies or the pub and let me get on with it.

I am so so pleased he’s gone. I couldn’t even hate him, he was far too pathetic.

Disgusting man. I would kick him out.

Lack of self care can manifest in many different ways. The workaholic does not practice self care. The compulsive caregiver is not practicing self care. The person who cannot say no, is not practicing self care. This is your husband's version. For us to practice self care we have to believe we are worthy of that care, some things have to happen first before others follow. He lost a father when young and had a mother who sounds like she could not effectively parent him. This will have definitely impacted him on a profound level. You could judge and blame but I doubt that would achieve very much. Or you could support and not enable; step out of your role as mother to him and see what this new space opens up for you both. Good luck.

Re child contact, mine was all about 50:50 because there would be no child maintenance to pay and he’s tight as a gnat’s chuff, but he was under the impression that he could choose when his half was, and I’d fill in the gaps. Like, a couple of hours here and there, school hols etc. I pointed out that 50:50 meant just that, and would include school run, etc and he was agog. He said I would have to do that.

He now sees them one night a fortnight and finds it immensely draining.

Some of this is very confused. You say he never learned and blame his parents, when in the next breath saying he wasn’t always like this and managed it fine. You didn’t marry him when he was like this,

So he did learn personal hygiene. Becayse he used to do it just fine. So it’s not his parents fault or he has additional needs. Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he just doesn’t care, maybe he’s lazy, but If you’d married him like this then it’s not he doesn’t know how and can’t.

As for the children, how old are they? There will come a point when they are old enough they also recoil and they will feel ashamed and not want their friends to see him or be near him.

@ofwarren

I'm sorry but why do posters always jump to ASD? Surely he must have been OK when you first met him? Men are not dirty and lazy because they are on the spectrum ffs.

I agree.

This thread, using ASD (and ADHD) as a suggestion for someone who has zero personal hygiene standards, is sickening to me.

It's like so many other threads on MN, for example, where the husband is clearly abusive but posters come along and suggest autism as the cause of being an abusive arsehole.

Autism is life long. It's not just something that crops up later in life and all social norms fly out of the window.

The OP's husband clearly hasn't always had this disgusting lack of attention to personal hygiene as she had sex with him enough times to conceive.

That’s my opinion too. I don’t understand why the op thinks he never learned or it’s additional needs making him incapable when she’s saying he wasn’t like this before. She obviously fancied him enough to get with him and have sex with him. So clearly he does know how to manage his personal hygiene.

There could be other issues Ie depression etc, or this is who he has always been he just doesn’t care and is lazy. None of us know him. But from what the op has written this is not a life long habit.

He was in the additional need's class at school, for lack of ability to pay attention. I do definitely suspect he is somewhere on the ADHD/inattentive spectrum. I think when he only had to worry about himself he was able to hold things together a bit more, and was probably on his best behaviour early on in our relationship. Since marriage and certainly since having children things have declined massively. With two young children and less free time / energy, and more demands on him, personal-care for him has to be worked on almost scheduled in, and he just doesn't.

I suppose I mentioned the fact that his dad died when he was very young and his mother struggled to cope as a way of being sympathetic to him. It's not an excuse, but it could be a contributing factor in that he is predisposed to lack of personal hygiene.

Clearly he can and has had better hygiene in the past, but I think he is predisposed to his current standards under the right circumstances

This thread sadly resonates with my
childhood experiences. Not my dad but my grandma who moved in with us .
She had the same lack of attention to personal hygiene and it all but ruined our childhood mine and my brothers . She stank , body , hair her bedroom , she would pass through the house and the stench would purvey everywhere half an hour after she left a room , it got so bad it seemed to get into the walls , soft furnishings, everywhere. We couldn't not smell her .Windows were thrown open in the depths of winter , furious rows were overheard between her and my parents .We couldn't invite friends around to play at all , had to be making excuses as to why we invited elsewhere but could never reciprocate.
OP please don't think your children won't know , they will . You have possibly a couple of years given their ages before it'll be their reality .
Personally I couldn't live like you do although I understand not wanting to break the family up .
I'd have to give your husband an ultimatum that he cleans up or leaves . As hard as it is taking a regular shower is not an unreasonable request and he hasn't shown you any respect by being filthy . I'd also want a full marriage and I'd be so disgusted by him I'm not sure I'd want him near me .
Terrible situation for all of you x

@husbandsmellshelp

I suppose I mentioned the fact that his dad died when he was very young and his mother struggled to cope as a way of being sympathetic to him. It's not an excuse, but it could be a contributing factor in that he is predisposed to lack of personal hygiene.

Loads of people lose a parent in childhood, and that doesn't impact their ability to keep themselves clean.

You said in your 2nd post:

He has not always been like this.

And then, because other posters suggest ASD/ADHD, you then feel he fits into the ND category; however, these conditions are life long.

I am autistic. I have ADHD. I was expelled from school. I had a shit upbringing with hideously abusive parents. My hygiene standards are high. They always have been. I haven't changed. If I did change, not shower or wash my hair/not clean my teeth etc, I'd be questioning myself about my frame of mind, if I was depressed perhaps.

Just because his personal hygiene level is zero, does not mean he's ND.

I am so sick of people jumping on the ND bandwagon as a 'catch all' for appalling behaviour.

Clearly you are going to have to give him an ultimatum
At some point the children will notice & be embarrassed.
You need to tell him you are not trying to be unkind, but if he won't shower & get a routine for very basic hygiene then you will not be able to continue.
Point out you would never have married him had he been repugnant, so he is capable of soaping correctly/brushing his teeth/cutting his nails & changing his clothes
But It is not normal. He thinks you are picking on him, but you have to live with the stench.
He needs to try & look at it from your point if view, rather than deflecting & putting up his defenses

@Clarice99 as I said in my first post , and have reiterated, he was in the special needs class at school because of lack of attentional ability. I said in my first post that I suspect he is not neurotypical. He has other traits such as being incredibly forgetful and disorganised, interrupting, waking off halfway through a conversation etc etc. I have long suspected he has inattentive ADHD. I have begged him to go to the doctor to discuss it. I haven't "jumped on the ADHD bandwagon" because of comments from other posters.

"He has not always been like this" = he has not always had such appalling personal hygiene.

The confusing bit is that he wasn't always like this so that points to depression or stress rather than any of the other things that have been suggested imo.

Have you tried to pivot the conversation from hygiene to happiness?

Ask him if he's happy?
Ask him if he missed the intimacy?
Ask him how he feels about your marriage?
Tell him you are concerned about him and your marriage?

Once you I understand where he is on the above, tell him you are still in love with him (if you are?) and that you want to get back to where you were before?

Depending on the responses, you'll know how best to proceed and can then speak about why you want him to go to doctor, why the hygiene thing is important etc?

It just might get lead to a more honest conversation.

It must be horrible living like this.

I have ADHD and ASD and could get this bad - but as @amusedbush said, it's the shame that will prompt me to go have a shower (but I think this is especially marked for women who have been pushed towards a certain presentation standard more). I hate the sensory change from getting in the shower - love it when I'm in there though. And the executive function thing makes it difficult to plan.

I am much better on meds, but that doesn't help you, OP, as he won't go to the doctor.

My ADHD has got "worse" with age (i.e. more apparent), as I'm burned out from masking and trying to manage it all my life (late diagnosis). So neurodiversity shouldn't be ruled out as because he hasn't always been like this. But again, that doesn't help you.

I don't know what to suggest to you, OP, other than an ultimatum that he go to the doctor or it's over. But you have my every sympathy and I don't think you should have to live like this.

Thank you for understanding @hoorayandupsherises. There is no doubt about it, there is definitely an element of laziness involved with my husband, but I do think it's not as clear cut as that.

I personally would be so offended that he couldn’t even be bothered to make the effort for his beloved wife.
I’m assuming before you were in separate beds he would get into bed stinking and try to initiate sex,
So disrespectful when he can’t even wash his own genitals!

Oh my OP I feel for you, that’s awful. Does he not realise that his personal care and hygiene has gone so far down hill...that’s like being a sloth ...and can’t be pleasant for you. Does he just not register that he needs to wash etc or is it laziness?

On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly

No you don't. Just let the pig go to work filthy and stinking..

Goodness, it sounds like you're married to a disgusting troll 🤮 I'd leave. I don't say that lightly, but just the image created by just a few paragraphs is revolting. I don't know how you can stand being in the same house.

Your poor children will be picked on for having a smelly, dirty parent.

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@WTF475878237NC I don't think so, we have a very large house and he works in an office at one end, the reception rooms/kitchen are at the other. If they were sat in his office with him they were probably realise he stinks but, with the current set up, no. [/quote]
Do you have friends?

What do they think?