Husband poor personal hygiene

[husbandsmellshelp]

I am really struggling with my husbands lack of personal hygiene and it is starting to make me quite angry!

He refuses to use deodorant and I have to prompt him to shower. Currently he has not had a shower for four or five days, I have said a few times over the past few days that he is starting to smell of BO and he still hasn’t had a shower. I have told him he needs to shower every day and wear clean clothes, he doesn’t. He will walk around with close covered in stains, he works from home most of the time. On the days he goes into the office I have to stand over him and make sure he is choosing clean smart clothing and that he has a wash, a shave, brushes his teeth properly… I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I’m not!

He has very thick curly hair and does not wash his scalp properly and it smells. I have bought him a silicone scalp scrubber, I bought him clarifying shampoo. I don’t think he uses them.

He’s been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

He doesn’t clean his teeth properly, I have observed this and he literally puts the brush in his mouth for 10 seconds gives a quick swoosh around, spits and off he goes. I’ve told him he needs to brush his teeth for a couple of minutes many many times…… His breath really smells and it smells like plaque, I don’t think he has had a scale and polish in a few years. He has been telling me recently he has bleeding gums… No wonder!

We moved house awhile ago and are still on a waiting list for a new dentist on the NHS, but he could afford to go for a private scale and polish as I have done. I have suggested this many times and he won’t do it.

He asked me to look in his ears with a special otoscope that I bought recently (at one point I thought I had a perforated eardrum and I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment), they are completely blocked with brown waxy plugs. I sent him details of somewhere in our closest town that does your irrigation cleaning, he hasn’t made an appointment and I doubt he will. I can’t be bothered to remind him anymore! I do think his ears smell also. His ears and nose also have lots of thick long hair is coming out of them, he doesn’t do anything about it.

I have to prompt him to cut his nails because they end up long and dirty. Quite often his hands smell because he scratches his balls and his arse and doesn’t wash his hands!

We do not share a bed anymore, he snores terribly but also I don’t want to be near him because he smells. I won’t use a pillow he has used because it smells of musty old hair sebum!

I could go on… I think his mother had mental health problems and his dad died when he was quite young so he probably was never taught how to have proper standards for hygiene. The only reason he has any clean clothes because I wash them! He will wear clothes until they are literally rags and I throw them away and use his money to buy him new ones.

I think you may have undiagnosed ADD, he was in a special-needs class at school in the late 70s because he couldn’t pay attention, and he is still very forgetful and wonders off halfway through a conversation etc. Obviously I’m not a mental health professional but I wonder if these traits contribute.

What is making me angry is that I am constantly prompting him and telling that he smells, he ignores me. I find it quite disrespectful. He went through a phase of being quite angry with me for not wanting to hug him or get close to him or kiss him. He seems to have given up and is no longer angry and no longer tries to get close to me. I did to tell him clearly many times over the past few years why I don’t want to get close to him! We have not had sex in three years, I cannot bear the thought of being physically close to him or kissing him.

He is actually a very nice man, but I’m seriously thinking I’m going to have to and things over this. This will be a real shame because we have two little girls.

I don't know where to go from here.

[husbandsmellshelp]

I feel sorry for the children as well

Please don't feel sorry for my children, they are absolutely fine.

[amusedbush]

I agree with PPs on the neurodivergence thing. I have ASD and ADHD, and personal hygiene has always been really difficult for me. It is a combination of things: executive dysfunction meaning I can't prioritise so I get caught up in stuff and forget; sensory issues, so I can't stand the feeling of water on my face or my body being wet when I get out the shower; brushing my teeth makes me gag and retch every single time, even with my soft toothbrush and strawberry toothpaste, so I dread it. When NT people think "I'm going to have a shower", they see that as one task. I see it as 50 different mini tasks that I need to go through (in exactly the same order every time...) and it's really overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong, I don't smell! But it has become even more of a struggle since wfh the past two years. In fact, my routine going to shit in 2020 is what prompted me to get assessed because I could no longer cope.

But as others have said, you don't need to put up with this. Just because there may be a reason behind it, that doesn't mean there is absolutely nothing he can do to change. It's not your job to fix him and nobody would blame you if you left.

[girlmom21]

@husbandsmellshelp

I feel sorry for the children as well

Please don't feel sorry for my children, they are absolutely fine.

I'm not saying this to attack your parenting but they won't be when their friends start noticing their dad smells.

[TravellingFrom]

Btw some posters are suggesting he can’t cope and you might need to take over some of the grooming for him.

I’d like to remind you that yes you could and yes some partners do.
However, you do NOT have to do it. You can also decide that actually this is not the sort of relationship you want and this is a NO-NO for you.

[husbandsmellshelp]

Does he want to stay in the marriage?

I think he likes having me around, because otherwise he would be alone. I'm not convinced he's bothered about having an actual marriage anymore… To be completely honest. And he wants to live with the children because he loves them.

[husbandsmellshelp]

I have ASD and ADHD, and personal hygiene has always been really difficult for me. It is a combination of things: executive dysfunction meaning I can't prioritise so I get caught up in stuff and forget

This sounds exactly like him.

[husbandsmellshelp]

@amusedbush Do you mind me asking what strategies you use? What makes you wash and remember to do so?

[girlmom21]

@husbandsmellshelp

Does he want to stay in the marriage?

I think he likes having me around, because otherwise he would be alone. I'm not convinced he's bothered about having an actual marriage anymore… To be completely honest. And he wants to live with the children because he loves them.

If this is the case it sounds like he just doesn't care enough to make an effort. He doesn't care how you feel.

Approach it from the perspective of him embarrassing the children if that's what he cares out.

[cherrysthename]

Sorry, but I do feel sorry for them if he's as bad as you've said (and I don't doubt you). If you can't abide contact with him then how and why can/should they? He is awful.

[billy1966]

OP, I mean this very kindly, but even you in your repulsion have probably become slightly immune to how bad it is.

He WILL be smelling out your house.

He WILL be handling things after the loo without washing.

Your children have noses, they WILL realise that Daddy smells bad, how would they not?

What you have written is just horrific and it is abusive.

@Aquamarine1029, she is correct in what she has written, no matter how unpalatable.

Your children may indeed be happy little things, but they WILL be aware subliminally that something is not right.

Realistically, they will not be bringing anyone home to play and they WILL be a target of bullying with a father like that.

It is sad but true.

He has decided to abandon basic norms now that he thinks you are stuck.

You think you will damage your children by leaving?
I would suggest you will do enormous damage to their childhood by staying.

If he is a kind father, he will co parent well with you.

[Letsbekindplease]

@abigailsnan

He is a really nice man actually I think not !! how on earth do you cope with this.

What a horrible comment!

Personal hygiene does not makes someone a horrible person.

[husbandsmellshelp]

Your children may indeed be happy little things, but they WILL be aware subliminally that something is not right.

Realistically, they will not be bringing anyone home to play and they WILL be a target of bullying with a father like that.

I honestly know that they are not aware of anything (currently). They are very young. They hug their dad and have play dates (the house is immaculate because I make it so).

[husbandsmellshelp]

[WTF475878237NC]

Can visitors not smell him if he's there all day wfh too?

[girlmom21]

What's he like with the children work wise? Does he pull his weight? You say you make the house immaculate - does he clean and tidy or if he was left to his own devices would the house be dirty too?

[Letsbekindplease]

Op, I believe your husband loves his kids and your kids him. I get from all your comments he seems like a loving father which is amazing to have!

I really don’t know what the answer is. A proper sit down chat and put all your cards and feelings on the table to maybe give him a bit of a fright ? Maybe see a dr if he is a bit depressed ? I know a friend who’s PH was absolutely awful and she was depressed. Once seeing a dr and then counselling, meds etc she got back on track. She was the most immaculate person I’d ever met when first meeting her

[husbandsmellshelp]

@WTF475878237NC I don't think so, we have a very large house and he works in an office at one end, the reception rooms/kitchen are at the other. If they were sat in his office with him they were probably realise he stinks but, with the current set up, no.

[amusedbush]

[quote husbandsmellshelp]@amusedbush Do you mind me asking what strategies you use? What makes you wash and remember to do so?[/quote]
I don't mind at all!

When I was a teenager, my mum had to be blunt and just say, "you're stinking, get in the shower" As an adult, I managed to get into the habit of showering every other day. I was worried about going to work looking or smelling bad so it just became my routine and I planned everything around it. I was still terrible at remembering to brush my teeth/wash my face at night but I got by.

At the start of the pandemic, I'll admit that I fell out of that routine and would forget to shower for 4 days until I realised that I was a bit whiffy, or DH would tactfully mention my breath I would wear the same top and leggings day and night, and just forget to get washed and changed. The only thing that helped is to schedule meetings/appointments/catch ups with friends throughout the week so that I have to shower and get ready.

Basically... shame. Shame is what forces me to do it and medication! Since starting ADHD meds, I find it much easier to just get on with a task after it occurs to me. However, it sounds like your DH really doesn't react to the shame of being told he stinks so I have no idea what your next move it.

People may be reading my posts and thinking "that's disgusting" but trust me, I wouldn't be like this if I could help it. ADHD means I have absolutely zero sense of time passing so I underestimate how long something will take me, get distracted and suddenly it's 10pm. I often look at my calendar and realise I've lost an entire week without noticing, and a deadline I thought was next week is actually tomorrow. Unfortunately, keeping myself clean can be a casualty of that, too.

[husbandsmellshelp]

@girlmom21 He will clean and tidy on an evening if I tell him exactly what he needs to do. And I do. Left to his own devices he would do nothing and the place would be filth pit.

Another concern of mine is that if we did separate the children would have to go and stay in a house/flat where he lives alone. he probably wouldn't look after them properly (Certainly not put up to my standards were they always have clean clothes on, clean faces, three healthy meals a day etc etc)., they would go about with dirty faces and dirty clothes, he might even forget to feed them, and his house would be a tip. This is me being completely honest.

[husbandsmellshelp]

Op, I believe your husband loves his kids and your kids him. I get from all your comments he seems like a loving father which is amazing to have!

Thank you, he certainly loving and his children of him. Whether he could be trusted to take care of them alone is another matter. He was genuinely think he was trying his best but I would never be satisfied that they were properly looked after in his sole. It's not necessarily about unwillingness or lack of love, just lack of impetus/forgetting/not realising what needs to be done.

[cherrysthename]

Good fathers wouldn't neglect their children, though. It sounds like he's only functioning atm because you micromanage him.

[husbandsmellshelp]

@amusedbush thank you so much. A lot of that sounds VERY familiar.

[girlmom21]

If you say to him "can you empty the dishwasher then go and have a shower before the kids bath time" would he do it? Or would he empty the dishwasher and ignore shower comment?

I did think that would be the case and I wanted to see whether it was him just putting himself lower down on the list of priorities but it's not - he just doesn't care about mess and dirt does he.

[husbandsmellshelp]

Good fathers wouldn't neglect their children, though. It sounds like he's only functioning atm because you micromanage him.

Yes. There is an element of truth in this. While I have no doubt he loves them dearly and they love him, I am propping him up. The only reason he has a nice house and two happy, cared for (in the practical sense) children is because of me

[redambergreengo]

In your shoes I would get tough and play dirty.

I would give him an ultimatum.

Firstly this isn't a happy marriage or home. It is not entirely normal not to sleep with your spouse. The kids will notice as they get older. They'll also notice their dad stinks.

I would tell him he is risking losing you all and if he thinks he will be able to spend time with the children when he lives alone he won't because he cannot look after himself and ensure he doesn't neglect himself so there's no reassurance there that he can prioritise his own needs let alone that of two children.

Sit and explain you're not attacking him, you want to help, you want to find a solution and if he's not depressed or struggling he really has no excuses apart from being someone who doesn't care enough about you all.

You all deserve better.