Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

[justkeeponmoving]

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

@Wilkolampshade

Oh dear, am I your sister in law OP? 2-3 times at a distance of 2 hrs is totally normal OP. On the hot side of normal in my experience. I might see ours once a year? I think this is because when we do, it's all smiley and fine but we're not alike and as adults have very little in common. If we weren't related we wouldn't be natural friends IYSWIM, and we're all so time poor now why would anyone give up valuable time to people they have nothing really in common with? Could that be it? I can hear this upsets you though and it's sad that the future you envisioned for your children and yourself as part of a much more involved family group hasn't come to pass. I think maybe try and think of your friends as the wider, extended family you'll be part of? The good thing about friends is you get to choose them.

Are you me?! This is exactly how I feel re my inlaws tbh. They live 3 hours away and we see them about 4 times a year, that's enough for me but not enough for them. There's hint dropping constantly. The thing is, they're nice enough people but I have zero in common with them, we have different personalities and I wouldn't actively choose to spend time with them, I wouldn't chose them as friends.

OP, you could be my SIL (DH's sister) writing this post, except my family don't live in France, lol. I don't actually even see them that much tbh as I'm just not a family orientated person in general, my brother lives 20 mins down the road and I see him probably once every 2 months? We were really close growing up but just aren't that close anymore, I get on with him don't get me wrong, but again, a bit like my inlaws, I wouldn't seek him or my SIL's company out and they blatantly feel the same as they see her family all the time, most days in fact and are really close with them. I don't let it upset me as he jusr has more in common with her family so it stands to reason he'll want to see more of them.

You don't say whether you and your brother naturally get on well, have a lot in common etc? Is being with him and SIL easy? That really is the driving force behind most relationships being successful or not, how much you truly have in common, how aligned your personalities are and how much you just enjoy each other's company.

I would just accept that you only get to spend that time a couple of times a year and focus on your friendships and other family members.

Yanbu to wish it was more than 2/3 times a year.

SIL is not unreasonable to see her family every 6 weeks ish either.

I suspect that in their family she deals with her side and he deals with his side and his actions show what he thinks if you and his parents.

In an ideal world, you and your brother would both be happy with 2/3 times a year but he's clearly not as bothered to make you or his parents a priority for socialising. That's up to your brother - he can spend his free time with who he wants and I think it's positive that you will accept his decision and not chase.

Tell your child that your brother's family is busy and it's a shame but they can only commit to 2/3 times a year. Kids take their cues from adults and if you act like it's no big deal then your child will feel the same. Some families only meet 2/3 times a year and have a perfectly nice time when they meet. It's not fake - just more distant and polite than you'd like.

I'm really sorry that he didn't reach out when you needed the company.

OP - how many times a year did you and your brother meet up before kids? If it was 2/3 times a year then I can see how this would continue as normal

My siblings live in different countries to me so how often I see them is obviously dependant on lots of factors more than just wanting to.

Though even when I lived in the same soundly as my DSIS I saw my brother more often. We all joke he is the needy one. When I got violently mugged he was the one who phoned me every night for a week. Honestly, I prefer my siblings to my parents. We were a team growing up, they are excellent people, good influences on me and I love seeing them with their spouses and children. So i consider us close but even still, I think if we all lived as close as you and your brother we would still only see each other 3 times a year probably.

I think it's a brother thing-left to his own devices my brother wouldn't arrange to see us!
I am also sometimes hurt/ frustrated that I offer support to him with his SEN children but he rarely thinks to enquire about mine.
As you say his wife will make arrangements to her family .
So I think you need to chat to your brother again and take the lead in inviting them . In many families seeing each other 3 x year is normal however its also perfectly normal to see people more frequently , and as youve been so ill its totally understandable why you would like more contact but I think it has to be between you and your brother to organise, have you told him you'd like to see him more/ need his support?

I’m the SIL in this situation, I don’t make the effort really to see husbands bro and wife. We just don’t click, we don’t really get on that great, no argument but just very stilted. we are very close with my family though. I sometimes feel guilty and think I should make more effort then I why should I? They don’t make the effort to see us and made no effort with our kids, and it’s up to my husband to facilitate the relationship with us and his family. It’s not your SILS job.

Honestly it seems perfectly normal to me

I see my DB twice a week roughly, my younger sibling almost every day and rarely see my older sibling. I leave DP to organise his family gatherings, which means they aren't frequent.

From the outside it would look like I am always seeing my family, arranging stuff and I can't be bothered with his side, truth is he is a lazy arse who is happy enough with yearly visits. I never tried to get involved in it even after having DC.

I get it there are alot of selfish people around and all they do is end up causing offence because they dont appear to care or be bothered. If you

They said they would arrange a date with you to give your neice a bday present but they havent. Thats rude.

Actions speak louder than words.

I’d let it fade out. They obviously don’t want to visit more often or they’d suggest it, and be in contact between visits.

Where do they stay when they visit you? Is your home spacious with plenty of room for them and kids? Have you and SIL bonded? Or is it mainly the company of the kids you want so your son benefits?

Maybe her family in France are more fun to visit, maybe it feels like a proper holiday, her kids get on better with their cousins in France? Maybe she misses her family but your brother isn’t as bothered.

You come across as quite needy and persistent expecting them to visit and contact you… could this be putting them off?

I can see why you a hurt about this situation, but I think you have to accept, as you said, that spending time with you is not their priority, sadly. I think you have to be careful about blaming your SIL though; if your brother wanted to, he could easily hop in the car and drive for a visit, on his own couldn't he?

I think it’s normal

We see ours about