Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

[justkeeponmoving]

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

Can I ask @justkeeponmoving when you do meet up with your DB and SiL, do you go to their house, stay the night or come home, or meet somewhere else? And likewise what do they do when they come to you?

Pre Covid, it was a given that DHs sister and her family would come and stay with us every summer for four days or so. They live 4 hours from us. They could never reciprocate as they don’t have the room for us, so if ever we went up to see them we’d need to stay in a hotel/rent somewhere which we used to do a lot when DH’s mother was alive. Since she passed away not so much, as it gets very expensive.

I always found it hard work entertaining them all (they have two teenage sons). The amount of work involved pre, during and post their stay would often take the shine off the visit. We’ve not had them stay here for getting on for two years now, mainly due to Covid, but also I just needed a break from hosting. I’m guessing they might be feeling a bit miffed about it all. I say all this as just wondering if there’s the same ‘hosting issues/expectations’ at play in your scenario? Plus sometimes it can be the children that others find hard work….especially if there’s different parenting styles at play. We have this with some friends children (not so much family) and I just can’t have them in my house anymore as they destroy everything and the parents have little control.

@Cocomarine - I think there is a men/women divide, at least in British culture. I know that my gf never saw his family again after he’d married my (fierce) granny. It just wasn’t worth the aggro. My granny had never met them - she just didn’t want the bother of other people in her (or his) life. Similarly mil didn’t stop fil from seeing his family, but it was always inconvenient so he drifted away from them. Dsis refused to ever see bil’s family (and one of the reasons he gave for leaving her).

OP,

You sound reasonable but as you accept this is on your brother completely.

He isn't pushed about his family and she is.

Make an effort with your parents and friends, detach from them as much as you can, and see them a couple of times a year.

I also think 2-3 times a year is not unreasonable.

I love my in laws very much and though they are 1-2 hours away, we only see them that often too.

We are very busy with our lives, as are they.

Focus on building up your life too.

Oh dear, am I your sister in law OP? 2-3 times at a distance of 2 hrs is totally normal OP. On the hot side of normal in my experience. I might see ours once a year? I think this is because when we do, it's all smiley and fine but we're not alike and as adults have very little in common. If we weren't related we wouldn't be natural friends IYSWIM, and we're all so time poor now why would anyone give up valuable time to people they have nothing really in common with? Could that be it?
I can hear this upsets you though and it's sad that the future you envisioned for your children and yourself as part of a much more involved family group hasn't come to pass. I think maybe try and think of your friends as the wider, extended family you'll be part of? The good thing about friends is you get to choose them.

I dont feel that 3 hours of an afternoon in the childs first 6 months is much at all

And said baby wouldn’t have known you were there if you had been there as long as her family.

You keep saying you don’t blame your SIL but almost every post you keep mentioning how much time her family gets. It is not a competition nor is it her fault that her and her family have a relationship where they are able to make plans together with dates and such and stick to them.

Maybe your brother is lazy, maybe he simply prefers her family more and/or has more in common. Whatever the reason, you are going to have to accept it for what it is and concentrate on building relationships with people who do or talk to your brother and tell him how you feel that you would like to see him more and set a date and time then and there and if it falls through than you know that it is a lost cause and you should move on.

I see my sisters and grandparents weekly or ever few weeks, my mother lives abroad and we have no relationship, so I haven't seen her since 2019. I've never made plans with my husband's brother and leave the arrangements for his family up to him, as he leaves mine up to me.
I think this is normal, your SIL isn't responsible for arranging your brother seeing his own family.

@BoredOfCbeebies

I think you're getting a hard time on here, I'd be very sad in your situation too. It sounds like your brother is just not that bothered, that your expectations are not the same as his. Not sure what you can do really, other than go with the flow.

Thank you - yes I felt that I was getting a hard time on here too! I think perhaps I didn't word / explain the SIL properly and some people assumed i was blaming her which I wasn't! - But It does seem that I am being unreasonable with the amount of time we spend together so I will accept that it is only 2 or 3 times a year and take a step back! Its a shame as we all have a lovely time together and my sister in law did once comment that she would like the kids to spend more time together! Maybe its just that they dont have enough time to do everything they want to do so they prioritise and we are low on the list. They are always bust seeing people

We all have different expectations but yours don't match your brothers. I think you need to accept that rather than get all childish about reducing contact on your side.

From my perspective, 2 or 3 times a year is quite a lot when they don't live nearby.

I haven't seen my brother in person for about 12 years and my other brother and sister for 5 years but we chat on the phone and FaceTime inbetween calls. I live abroad from them and don't have spare cash to hop on a plane and visit on a regular basis. I still love them just as much though.

@Thirkettle

They probably don't want to see you because you insist on 'the woman' arranging all the visits.

Yes, your brother doesn't want to visit you. That's called adulthood. People grow apart and don't visit. His wife had no reason to want to visit you. You're not her family. I don't faff about visiting the random strangers that are my husband's siblings either, why would I? Don't know any of them.

Live your life and stop fussing about getting involved in everyone else's.

That is really harsh - I never said it was for the woman to arrange the visits!! it is for my brother to arrange not her!!

I'm not fussing and getting involved in their lives I just miss seeing them but never mind

@SheWolfOFFrancee

Op although it’s hard to hear from all your posts it’s just sounds like for whatever reason your brother just isn’t that interested or bothered about making the effort to see his family.

Yes they’re willing to travel to see your SIL family and that could be because they just get on better with them or because your brother is lazy and just goes along with whatever she plans who knows BUT he’s showing you he’s not bothered about maintaining a close relationship with him.

I know you said your illness was from being lonely and needing close meaningful relationships but this clearly isn’t going to be one of those even if you force more contact. You should concentrate on the people on your life (however many that is) that make YOU and maintaining a relationship with you a priority. Those are the people who you want to build those meaningful relationships with. Accepting he’s just not that bothered and letting the “relationship” go will be the best thing you can do

Thank you for your response - you are absolutely correct in everything you have said - thank you.

I see my DB and DSIL regularly and always have. We are good friends. Could you try organising things directly with your brother rather than your sister in law?

I would just carry on making the effort to be honest. Travel to them, find things they are interested in to suggest to do, invite them to birthdays etc.

I wonder whether her parents provide the family with a lot of support and are just very easy, undemanding and/ or helpful in a way your brother and sister in law are comfortable with.

Perhaps they find your family harder work. Its not your fault you've been seriously ill and struggled as a single parent but does explain why if they also feel they've needed support themselves they've gravitated towards her parents instead.

@PollyPerkins87

Sounds like there is a bit of animosity or jealousy with the SIL.

We live more than 4 hours from DH's family. I never contact SIL really as we're not close particularly and to be honest we don't really have much in common.

It sounds like you view the relationship very differently to them.

No animosity or jealousy at all - i just miss seeing them all but never mind! I'll lower expectations (and that of my kids who always ask about their cousins)

My BIL and SIL live 4 1/2 hours away and have never once come to visit us in the 6 years they've lived far away. My ILs decided to move to live near them which has obviously reduced how often they see their grandkids (my kids) and made me quite resentful. BIL/SIL expects us to make the long journey to see them a few times a year just because they live near the sea. It's like they think the whole world revolves around them! They have travelled back to our area to see friends and SIL family without letting us know they were nearby on several occasions. This sends a very clear message. It is hurtful and I can sympathise with OP. I've learnt to accept it and have decided to make much less effort with them as a result.

@Henlie

Can I ask *@justkeeponmoving* when you do meet up with your DB and SiL, do you go to their house, stay the night or come home, or meet somewhere else? And likewise what do they do when they come to you?

Pre Covid, it was a given that DHs sister and her family would come and stay with us every summer for four days or so. They live 4 hours from us. They could never reciprocate as they don’t have the room for us, so if ever we went up to see them we’d need to stay in a hotel/rent somewhere which we used to do a lot when DH’s mother was alive. Since she passed away not so much, as it gets very expensive.

I always found it hard work entertaining them all (they have two teenage sons). The amount of work involved pre, during and post their stay would often take the shine off the visit. We’ve not had them stay here for getting on for two years now, mainly due to Covid, but also I just needed a break from hosting. I’m guessing they might be feeling a bit miffed about it all. I say all this as just wondering if there’s the same ‘hosting issues/expectations’ at play in your scenario? Plus sometimes it can be the children that others find hard work….especially if there’s different parenting styles at play. We have this with some friends children (not so much family) and I just can’t have them in my house anymore as they destroy everything and the parents have little control.

It's definitely not to do with it being hard work or different - we used to just meet half way in a pub for lunch as they only have a 2 bed house - we now have space in our house and when we invite them we offer them to stay over or not - its their choice - they always say theyd like to stay one night - they dont have to do anything at all - they relax and i cook etc so nothing for them to do. When we go to theirs we take food and we don't stay more than a few hours so as not to outstay our welcome

Some of the comments here are pretty harsh!

2/3 times a year is quite normal for lots of people though and my experience had been that men are generally worse at putting in the effort of maintaining relationships (with friends as well as family). It’s a bit sad, yes, but just go with the flow. You can’t force these things or change how people are.

[quote DottyHarmer]**@Cocomarine* - I think there is* a men/women divide, at least in British culture. I know that my gf never saw his family again after he’d married my (fierce) granny. It just wasn’t worth the aggro. My granny had never met them - she just didn’t want the bother of other people in her (or his) life. Similarly mil didn’t stop fil from seeing his family, but it was always inconvenient so he drifted away from them. Dsis refused to ever see bil’s family (and one of the reasons he gave for leaving her).[/quote]
Yes - its sad - in countries like italy they are much more family focussed and see each other a lot more than we do here in general

@Wilkolampshade

Oh dear, am I your sister in law OP? 2-3 times at a distance of 2 hrs is totally normal OP. On the hot side of normal in my experience. I might see ours once a year? I think this is because when we do, it's all smiley and fine but we're not alike and as adults have very little in common. If we weren't related we wouldn't be natural friends IYSWIM, and we're all so time poor now why would anyone give up valuable time to people they have nothing really in common with? Could that be it? I can hear this upsets you though and it's sad that the future you envisioned for your children and yourself as part of a much more involved family group hasn't come to pass. I think maybe try and think of your friends as the wider, extended family you'll be part of? The good thing about friends is you get to choose them.

its not that we don't have much in common - we do genuinely have a lovely time together and the kids do too - they just prefer to spend it with her family and that's fine

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I wonder whether her parents provide the family with a lot of support and are just very easy, undemanding and/ or helpful in a way your brother and sister in law are comfortable with.

Perhaps they find your family harder work. Its not your fault you've been seriously ill and struggled as a single parent but does explain why if they also feel they've needed support themselves they've gravitated towards her parents instead.

No its not that - i honestly have never been demanding at all - when i was diagnosed with cancer I just kept myself to myself and focussed on treatment - I was too ill to worry about them not making the effort - its just on reflection looking back i can see that they didnt. we are very relaxed when we do see them and i simply suggest we meet and then i dont mention it again for months - im not pushey - ive come on her to vent but i dont moan or push them in any way!

My sister is the same and she’s also currently not speaking to me and is rude to our mum all the time. She’s been indoctrinated into my brother in law’s family so it seems and it makes us sad. Whilst it seems like you talk to your brother far more that we get to speak to her, it sounds as though sometime similar has happened E.g. your brother has just become very wrapped up in his wife’s family.

@phoenixrosehere

I dont feel that 3 hours of an afternoon in the childs first 6 months is much at all

And said baby wouldn’t have known you were there if you had been there as long as her family.

You keep saying you don’t blame your SIL but almost every post you keep mentioning how much time her family gets. It is not a competition nor is it her fault that her and her family have a relationship where they are able to make plans together with dates and such and stick to them.

Maybe your brother is lazy, maybe he simply prefers her family more and/or has more in common. Whatever the reason, you are going to have to accept it for what it is and concentrate on building relationships with people who do or talk to your brother and tell him how you feel that you would like to see him more and set a date and time then and there and if it falls through than you know that it is a lost cause and you should move on.

its not a competition - i simply mentioned how much time they spend with other people to demonstrate that they do see people in their spare time and to show that we are just low on their priority list but that is fine - I just need to lower my expectations. I wont post any more - I've accepted that the consensus is that 2 or 3 times a year is reasonable so I'll just move on and accept it. I do feel its a shame for my kids and i do really miss seeing them all but never mind. Thanks to everyone who posted supportive and kind comments

I understand why you're upset OP. It does seem unfair and it's sad when you think about all the memories and good times to be had. Have you thought about talking to your brother about it?

@Seema002

I understand why you're upset OP. It does seem unfair and it's sad when you think about all the memories and good times to be had. Have you thought about talking to your brother about it?

Thank you - yes that is how i would describe it - its just sad - I feel sorry for my kids as they asked about them but never mind I will just lower all of our expectations and see them as and when they want to fit us in. Thanks everyone

@Folklore9074

Some of the comments here are pretty harsh!

2/3 times a year is quite normal for lots of people though and my experience had been that men are generally worse at putting in the effort of maintaining relationships (with friends as well as family). It’s a bit sad, yes, but just go with the flow. You can’t force these things or change how people are.

Thank you - I thought so too - my question was is 2 or 3 times a year reasonable and if not what could I do about it and that has been answered - I'm unreasonable for expecting more so at least I have an answer and can lower my expectations and just enjoy the times we do have together :-)

It’s making you unhappy because you’re expecting much more than they want to give you. Take a big step back and don’t contact them until they contact you. It’s not good for your self esteem to be chasing after people who aren’t bothered