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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

162 replies

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 07:37

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 07:40

I meant to ask - in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all and let the relationship just die off?!

OP posts:
Shiningpath · 08/02/2022 07:44

Sorry but it sounds like you have a perfectly normal relationship with family who live nearly two hours away. And I’m really not sure why you’re highlighting how often your SIL contacts you or arranges things, or sees her own mother. If you’re annoyed at anyone for a certain level of contact it should be your own brother. He’s the one who will set the tone and should be the ‘organiser’ for his side of the family.

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 07:44

I have seen my brother once since COVID, at a cousin's wedding. He lives 2 hours away. He doesn't have children, he is married. He's not a big fan of children but he has seen some friends and other family at their homes with children in those families. He has never invited me to his home, in over 10 years.

tackling · 08/02/2022 07:49

Why are you angry at her, not your brother? Of course she'll want to see her mum and home and family more than you, that's a no-brainer. But what's his excuse?

What was your relationship like when you were little?

Cocomarine · 08/02/2022 07:57

There are many people in my life - including some family - that I really enjoy the company of, but rarely see because other people are my priority.

You are petulant with your idea of not “bothering” with them now. How childish.

You have an odd attitude of not “needing” then now you have a boyfriend again. Perhaps they know they’re the back up people for when you’re single? I have never wanted to spend more or less time with my siblings when I’ve been in or out of a relationship. Perhaps they sense that they’re a back up for you.

2-3 times a year is really normal at that distance.

I’ll take a punt and guess that the 2-3 would be zero if left to your own brother?

NerrSnerr · 08/02/2022 07:58

Do you ever go and visit them?

Aprilx · 08/02/2022 07:58

I think cutting them off would be absurd, nothing sounds particularly unusual here. She is obviously more proactive in seeing her family than your brother is with his, this often seems to be the case (women being better than men). It is not down to her to be proactive with you and yet you seem to be putting it on her rather than your brother.

I would consider myself close to my sibling, but as adults living a few hours apart we have rarely seen each other in birthdays. In fact I don’t remember when I last did, maybe twenty years ago.

Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 07:59

I'm angry at my brother more than my sister in law but I just mentioned my sister in law more because my brother does message me occasionally. I mention how much she sees her family simply to demonstrate that they do like to see family, just not our side

OP posts:
MrsJaxTellerPlease · 08/02/2022 08:01

I love my brother, have a great time when we see each other. He lives twenty minutes away. I saw him at Christmas. Before that, it was probably October. Your relationship seems pretty normal.

Cocomarine · 08/02/2022 08:02

@justkeeponmoving

I'm angry at my brother more than my sister in law but I just mentioned my sister in law more because my brother does message me occasionally. I mention how much she sees her family simply to demonstrate that they do like to see family, just not our side
Why should she message you though?
Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 08:03

Yes it is my brother's responsibility not my sister in laws - he's happy and enjoys seeing his in-laws every six weeks and is fine with just seeing us 2 or 3 times a year so i guess that is just how it is and I'll just continue with seeing them like that. I didn't mean they are back up and that I dont need them now that I have a partner - I have always loved seeing them whether im single or not but when I was single and lonely and struggling (I had a breakdown due to being very isolated and alone with a baby) and they didn't make any effort with me. If i had a friend or family member who was struggling and alone i would make some effort.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2022 08:03

I think try to accept that 2 x a year is enough for them.

I see my sister quite a bit, my brother 2 x a year and I pretty much never see my late husband's siblings. When he was alive I was always trying to see his brother and family but it was always a huge effort and I have had to accept that they just aren't into me or ds, they mostly see her family. You don't have to do anything dramatic but yes I wouldn't make all the running. Don't ruin the 2 x a year though, try to enjoy it without loading it so heavily with expectations.

I have really found it helpful to have therapy and sibling relationships was one of the big reasons why.

AuntieMarys · 08/02/2022 08:03

I never message my SIL to arrange anything...I do it through my brother.

SheWolfOFFrancee · 08/02/2022 08:04

I don’t think you can really be crossbar her for wanting to see her own family? Surely your brother is capable of arranging to see his own family? Maybe it’s him that’s not that bothered.

I used to do all the effort and arranging for seeing my in laws, buying gifts etc then they treated me appalling so i stopped because they clearly didn’t value me and told DH it was his to sort. He has said he’s not that bothered so we see my mum more because she makes the effort with us

Cocomarine · 08/02/2022 08:04

It’s not “they” who like to see family. It’s her. She likes to see her family.
You say you’re more angry at your brother but that isn’t how it comes across.
You’re expecting a lot of her, and quite a lot of him.

2pinkginsplease · 08/02/2022 08:05

We normally see each other at Christmas and a handful of time during the year, usually at family gatherings, we don’t just make the effort I meet up in less it’s a special occasion.

DysmalRadius · 08/02/2022 08:05

It's interesting that your refer to either the two of them or your sister in law, focusing on how often she sees her family, how she never contacts you and how she prefers her mum. Where is your brother in this? Are you expecting your sister in law to make more effort than your own brother? Or sounds like she is proactive at making arrangements to see her family so your brother is the weak link here.

DreamerSeven · 08/02/2022 08:05

@justkeeponmoving

I meant to ask - in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all and let the relationship just die off?!
That seems very petty - it reads as because you don’t see them as much as you think you should, you’d rather not see them at all. Your post also reeks of blaming your SIL when it’s your brother who you are actually related to.

A couple of times a year to see non-local siblings seems perfectly normal to me. You seem to have a fixed idea of what families “should” do without considering that not everyone holds the same view.

Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 08:05

so it seems the consensus is 2 or 3 times a year is acceptable for siblings - what about parents - how often is reasonable?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2022 08:06

It sounds like they are a couple where she deals with her side and he is left to deal with his so I'd focus on your own brother here.

NerrSnerr · 08/02/2022 08:06

@justkeeponmoving how often do people travel to visit them or do they come to you every time?

Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 08:08

Just to reiterate i am not blaming SIS just explaining the situation - it is my brother who is at fault not her. As for being petty - I feel it upsets me seeing them so little because I miss them - when I do see them and we say bye I feel upset that I wont see them again for another 5 or 6 months - I find it sad really but hey ho

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 08/02/2022 08:08

Sorry - cross post. It sounds like your brother leaves your SIL to organise his social life and doesn't really give it (or you) much thought. I'm not sure you can change that, so you have to decide whether you want to keep making all the effort or not.

Original poster
justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 08:08

In response - I travel to see them more but I always ask what their preference is and I go with what they prefer

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2022 08:08

I don't think anyone can come up with a number of visits that suits everyone. People live different distances away, have different lives and some guests are a real drag and others will just fit in with what you're doing.