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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

162 replies

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 07:37

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2022 09:40

Focussing on what you or I or anyone on this thread considers reasonable isn't going to change anything. You need to work on what you actually have and not what you think you deserve.

Tilltheend99 · 08/02/2022 09:41

Crazy idea here but have you tried ringing each other once a week.

I would say 3-4 times a year for siblings but we always ring parents/brother once a week.

I know actually speaking on the phone is out of fashion now but it may help you feel closer to them considering the geographic distance.

Also, keep up with cards and postcards. You can use your DS as an excuse if you need.

phoenixrosehere · 08/02/2022 09:45

Apologies if I’ve come off as harsh OP. That wasn’t my intention.

I do think unless you communicate with your brother about how you feel and how you and especially your children would love to see their aunt and cousins, you’re going to continue to feel how you are. If he doesn’t know that this upsets you, he’s not going to know it’s a problem. If he still thinks things are fine the way they are, there’s little you can do about it, unfortunately.

ILikeItLikeThat21 · 08/02/2022 09:50

You're not being unreasonable Op. I also think the issue is youre having to do all the planning and I fear that if you stopped, there'd be no meeting up full stop. She clearly favours her family and your brother goes along with it.

I know lots of posters are saying its not up to the SIL but there is mostly only one person in a relationship that is the organiser and communicator to family and friends. Seems like that is SIL. I am that person in my marriage and I make all the plans with my family and in laws. Nothing wrong with that. Doesnt mean my DH doesn't like his family or mines, just that I am better at it.
So I do think your SIL could make the effort with you.

thesparkthatbled · 08/02/2022 09:50

Me and my brother live 5 hours apart and we move heaven and earth to see each other an much as we can, but it's still probably only about 4 times a year. Cost, distance, time, kids and busy lives etc all play a part, but we've always been super close so we make an effort, and if we lived nearer we'd definitely see each other more.

DH and his sister on the other hand never communicate, she lives in Australia, so obviously seeing her regularly is out of the question, but I doubt we would see much more of them even if they did live in the UK. Some siblings just aren't bothered.

isobeli · 08/02/2022 09:54

OP I completely get you.

I married into a Middle Eastern family that put a big emphasis on the importance of keeping in touch with family etc. and I consider my in-laws to be at the lower end of the scale.

I would moan at what my SIL expected from me.. until I realised I wished for my own brothers wife to be a-bit more involved with my own family too.

My SIL (db wife) has been part of our family since she was a teenager and she literally blocked me on social media,we don't have each other's numbers and she generally does not care about me. As some posters would put it "why should she"

Well after exposure to a different family I've realised, whether you like someone or not, unless they've done something bad to you, why wouldn't you want to put a little effort in/back to someone who essentially is blood to your children and has your children cousins etc. like think of the children.
The only time I've seen my brother in ten years is twice, after his children were born. He never came to see mine when they were born. His wife wouldn't even come inside she made plans to go out. The only time I've seen his children is when my mother has them and I'm visiting (I live few hours away too)

However this encouraged me to make more effort with my in-laws as I can't be a hypocrite, and my children have fantastic friendships and bonds with their cousins. Unfortunately my brothers children only chance of cousins are my children and seeing as his wife doesn't give a shit. I feel sorry for them. They always ask my mum "when can we see so and so "

I think it's sad, and i don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But definitely wait and see when they organise something. Don't bend over backwards x

Crazycrazylady · 08/02/2022 09:55

Honestly op
In this house I organise group meet ups with my family and dh with his . I'm quiet happy to go along with what ever my dh organises but i definitely organise more meet ups with my family so as a result we do see them more.. it's nothing personal but of course I want to see my family more than I do his although I'm totally happy to go along with things he organises or suggests

GeneLovesJezebel · 08/02/2022 09:56

I only see my in-laws at funerals, and I like it that way.

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 09:58

@phoenixrosehere

Apologies if I’ve come off as harsh OP. That wasn’t my intention.

Ah no problem - he does know as I always say that my kids would love to see them and when can they see them so he knows - but I don't badger them but I just say it gently without being annoying so he definitely knows

OP posts:

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 08/02/2022 10:09

I'm sorry you don't get to see your brother and his children as much as you'd like, i can understand why it would upset you especially as you know they see your sil family alot even though they live in another country. I think it's probably down to your brother just not bothering and arranging visits. I arrange to see my family and friends, i expect my dh to arrange seeing his. He doesn't really so we don't see them hardly ever and that's fine as i'm not forcing him to see his family. If he's not bothered then that's his choice to make, i have enough to do arranging to see my own family and don't have the time or inclination to arrange his family visits too. I just think men aren't as bothered about keeping family connections, often the saying "a son's a son till he gets a wife, a daughter's a daughter all her life" is very true. I think most couple tend to see the womans side of the family more and that's just the way it is. Is is sad for you and for your children missing out on seeing their cousins and not having much of a relationship with them but i think you just have to accept it as difficult as that may be. If i were you I wouldn't contact them at all and see how long it takes your brother to get in touch with you and arrange a visit, be prepared that you may be waiting a very long time for him to contact you......if at all. Good luck op, life's too short to worry about someone who's not bothered about you.

inheritancetrack · 08/02/2022 10:10

I only see my siblings once a year. I love those times and we holiday together and catch up. We message and keep up via Facebook, and we live 3 hours away. Ditto other family members. I don't think we are unusual. Unless you were extremely close as children I think your contact is quite normal.

Acorndetector · 08/02/2022 10:17

We make no effort to see my BIL and his wife. Some years we don't see them at all if we can help it they only live 10 miles away. They dominate and bully other people. They really are not bad people but the very best thing I can say about them is they always mean well.

adoreyou · 08/02/2022 10:31

Are the kids similar ages?

Instead of arranging days for them to come to you or waiting for them to let you know dates, look for something that they or kids might like to do and send it to them to arrange a day out or something?

We've had a similar issue with by brothers sister.... basically telling us we aren't interested in her and her kids etc... but from our side, we work full time and weekends are usually pretty busy! DD has hobbies and clubs, birthday parties etc
She was expecting us to visit at least once a month which isn't possible and personally don't want to be beholden to that. We have other family and friends to also see.
It's nothing personal. It's just life with small kids!

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 10:37

@adoreyou

Are the kids similar ages?

I think they are busy people (as are we) and although their jobs mean they get all the holidays off work they both just choose to spend 95% of that time with her family. That's their choice and I respect that they enjoy doing that. They are happy to see us twice a year and I'll just leave it as is and not dwell on it. I'll encourage my kids to focus on their friends rather than family - its a shame but that is just how it is!

OP posts:

adoreyou · 08/02/2022 10:46

Do you have anything to lose by saying anything to DB?
Just say you would like to see them more. I think when you have family near by it's easy to take them for granted as you can see them more but you then don't prioritised. You have nothing to lose by saying something....

I'm guessing they are teachers by your comment about all holidays off.
Do they really spend every school holiday inc full 6 week summer holidays in France?

ethelredonagoodday · 08/02/2022 10:47

First of all, I've not read the full thread, so apologies if I've missed something.

I get on well with both my brother and SIL but I would always contact my DB to organise stuff. My SIL is extremely close to her sibling and her mum, they probably spend time together every single day. I don't get it, I'd find that claustrophobic, but absolutely accept that's how she likes to be.

I have literally no relationship with my ILs on my DH's side, other than sorting presents for the kids etc. no animosity, but we just have nothing in common at all. We are actually closer to one of DHs cousins, who we see fairly regularly.

Families are strange things. There's no right or wrong way, but if you're hurt by this situation I'd suggest you have a chat with your brother.

DottyHarmer · 08/02/2022 10:47

I totally get it but there is nothing you can do. We all prefer one side of the family over another. Not every family does turn and turn about for Christmas and birthdays etc, they just see the side they are closest to and feel more comfortable with.

It is not always the fault of the bil. Dh’s db sees us or dh by himself, but sil and their dcs never come or meet up. So he does make an effort, but sil absents herself. As I said in pp, there is no animosity, she is just not interested.

Dogmum40 · 08/02/2022 10:54

I never see my brother and sis in law! They live 20 mins away and he completely cut his entire family off when he got with her! He posts cards to my parents for their bdays, Xmas, mothers and Father’s Day! I got one delivered to their address for my big birthday last year but never have any communication with him other than that! My parents, myself and our extended family never see him! He’s a complete twat! I can’t believe we used to be so close and hang around together in our 20s! He’s in my SM and so is she and they see her family most days!

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 10:57

It's my 40th birthday this year and they probably wont make the effort to come and I think that's why it's all been playing on my mind recently ... :-( never mind!

OP posts:

ethelredonagoodday · 08/02/2022 11:00

I think OP you could do worse than just be honest with your brother. Something on lines of obviously I've got a big birthday coming up and would love you all to be part of it. Can we see each other more often? Would love the kids, and us, to spend more time together.

Lunificent · 08/02/2022 11:01

You don’t get the priority because he’s male and probably leaves family organisation to his wife. If that’s the case, she’ll prioritise her family in France regardless of how much fun she has with you.
I wouldn’t be bothered. Stop making the effort to reach out as it’s causing you stress. See them when they reach out to you.

ThoseFestiveLights · 08/02/2022 11:05

I am in a similar position with my sibling. It’s taken me a long time to realise that the truth is, they like their in laws more! And that’s okay. We’ll always love each other but they prefer to spend time with other people. We are probably harder work than we realise! That’s okay. Just keep bumping along and be open, loving and kind and all will be okay.

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 11:14

@Lunificent

You don’t get the priority because he’s male and probably leaves family organisation to his wife. If that’s the case, she’ll prioritise her family in France regardless of how much fun she has with you. I wouldn’t be bothered. Stop making the effort to reach out as it’s causing you stress. See them when they reach out to you.

Yes, I think I'll just do this - although it just seems so false to me just meeting up twice a year. We see them and my kids then talk about them and ask after them for weeks/ months and then just as they get used to not seeing them we see them again - it's not the same I know but it's a bit like an absent parent not committing to their child - more damaging to see them occasionally than not at all (i know its not the same thing at all really!) but thats the only way i can describe it - anyway I'll just tell my kids thats just how it is and to enjoy the 10 hours a year or whatever it is they get with them! Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

arcticgoose · 08/02/2022 11:14

Is your children close in age with their children? I do get you and as a dil/sil myself I try to be equal with both sides of the family and so does my DH. My cousins live abroad and growing up, we used to see each other once every year or two. Sometimes it's not the quantity but the quality of the relationship that sticks with the children and I have a very close relationship with my cousins still now. When your children and their children become adults, you might find that they will go to France less and stick with their own friends and cousins here in the UK and the parents would travel less and less overtime. I think I would continue seeing them 2-3 times a year and not expect anything else and let the kids have a awesome time when they do see each other.

ExtraOnion · 08/02/2022 11:25

I see my sister in law more than my brother … we keep in touch, he just happens to be there.
On my husbands side, I see his sister more than he does, we often go out for meals, and he gives lifts

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