Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

[justkeeponmoving]

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

What do you do about it?
You speak to your own brother
You tell him that you feel let down and lonely and you'd like to see him more.

I really like my BIL and SIL and their family and I enjoy their company but it still doesn't mean I am going to have time to arrange meet ups with them when it's my husband's responsibility
I do put a lot of effort into seeing my own family because I see that as my responsibility

They probably don't want to see you because you insist on 'the woman' arranging all the visits.

Yes, your brother doesn't want to visit you. That's called adulthood. People grow apart and don't visit. His wife had no reason to want to visit you. You're not her family. I don't faff about visiting the random strangers that are my husband's siblings either, why would I? Don't know any of them.

Live your life and stop fussing about getting involved in everyone else's.

I make the effort to keep in touch with my own family, and we see them fairly regularly

My DH makes very little effort to keep in touch with his family. When they meet up, they get on well and he does enjoy their company, but they all seem content with limited contact

It's a shame that you and your DB have different expectations / hopes, but I think you have to accept that, for whatever reason, he is content withh quite limited contact. You can't really impose your wishes on him, so better to accept and appreciate and enjoy the relationship as it is, rather than trying to change it

Ultimately you need a healthy way to cope with your loneliness and I don't think focusing on how often your brother's family goes to France is helpful here. Focus on the good relationships you do have and don't expect your brother to meet your needs. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I don't think there is much you can do with this

@justkeeponmoving

I'm angry at my brother more than my sister in law but I just mentioned my sister in law more because my brother does message me occasionally. I mention how much she sees her family simply to demonstrate that they do like to see family, just not our side

I'd imagine it's actually more just a case of she arranges to see her family a lot whereas your brother, who should be the one arranging to see his family, doesn't bother.

I love my four siblings, but I see most of them once a year, maybe twice.

They have full time jobs and busy lives. Their weekends are spent with friends, children or GPs. Their annual leave is precious. As is mine. I think you have a fairly normal relationship.

I'm here if they need me, if something is wrong. I'll fetch, carry, take care of DCs in an emergency (illness. accident etc) as they would for me. But I don't need to SEE them.

We have a fairly healthy on-line relationship. I very seldom message my BIL/SIL. It isn't the same.

If I left it up to DH to sort out seeing his brother I doubt it would be more than once a year. No issues - he’s just not good at organising anything.
My own DB - very different. He is proactive sorting out things with us and DF.
In both cases we live about 90 mins drive away. We see DBIL more as they come to in laws when we go - so probably 6-8 times a year. My DB we probably see about 4 times a year.

Op although it’s hard to hear from all your posts it’s just sounds like for whatever reason your brother just isn’t that interested or bothered about making the effort to see his family.

Yes they’re willing to travel to see your SIL family and that could be because they just get on better with them or because your brother is lazy and just goes along with whatever she plans who knows BUT he’s showing you he’s not bothered about maintaining a close relationship with him.

I know you said your illness was from being lonely and needing close meaningful relationships but this clearly isn’t going to be one of those even if you force more contact. You should concentrate on the people on your life (however many that is) that make YOU and maintaining a relationship with you a priority. Those are the people who you want to build those meaningful relationships with. Accepting he’s just not that bothered and letting the “relationship” go will be the best thing you can do

Thing is, I think it's actually not that unusual for a couple/ family to see a lot more of the woman's family and less of the man's (where there is no huge geographical disparity), simply because, sadly, arranging to see family often falls under 'wifework' and mental load etc. and a lot of men are happy to let their wife stand whatever they like as long as they don't have to put much effort in. I know NAMALT etc but I think it's one of the reasons why what you describe is quite typical.

We have Sunday roast with my family most weeks, and they come see my daughter in her riding competitions, and collect her one day a week from school. We rarely socialise with his family because he doesn't arrange it. That's his choice but it's certainly not my job.

I know I will probably get jumped on here for generalising about men and women, and as I say there are of course plenty of exceptions, but what you describe isn't unusual.

I'm sorry though, I know what you mean about your son spending time with his cousins etc. That's sad and I would wish for that too. Although.... for many their cousins are almost strangers anyway, I only ever saw mine at weddings etc. Families are all different, we have to accept what we have and learn to be happy with it, and find social outlets elsewhere I guess.

It sounds as though your brother is not bothered , or doesn't want to see his family any more than twice a year. You have different ideas to this.

I can see why you're upset particularly when SILs side of the family are seeing them so much more. It does feel unfair in a way, particularly for your parents. But as others have said I think that's because the SILs family have different ideas and priorities. Good on SIL for not becoming chief organiser for your brother. It's his issue to sort.

You can either accept it and see them twice a year and enjoy it for what it is, or you can invite them for something in between your normal meet up dates. Maybe meet up half way and go somewhere.

The trips to France will also be important to your SIL to make sure the kids grow up with frequent exposure to French language and culture.

If they lived around the corner then fair enough but a 4 hour round trip with children in tow is not ideal at all. It’s probably easier to get to France in all honesty, especially if they live fairly close to the airport . I also don’t think you can compare a trip to France to visiting Aunt in a British town/city really. I think this set up sounds pretty normal, I don’t see my family often because they live 40 mins away never mind almost 2 hours.

@Thirkettle

They probably don't want to see you because you insist on 'the woman' arranging all the visits.

Yes, your brother doesn't want to visit you. That's called adulthood. People grow apart and don't visit. His wife had no reason to want to visit you. You're not her family. I don't faff about visiting the random strangers that are my husband's siblings either, why would I? Don't know any of them.

Live your life and stop fussing about getting involved in everyone else's.

Sorry I think this is really mean, I don't count my in laws as random strangers and I don't think most people do either. The OP has clearly needed family support through health problems and frankly, it's a bit shit that her brother and his wife have made zero effort but can frequently visit family abroad. My SIL isn't my favourite person in the world, but if she was a single parent going through cancer treatment I'd make a lot more effort and I'd be pretty angry with my husband if he didn't bother his backside. My husband prioritised me and my family when my parents have had health problems and I've prioritised his family when the in laws have had health problems. Isn't that what normal families, who get along, do for each other?

I appreciate you can't force people to spend time with you, they either want to or not. But for a man and his wife to pretty much ignore his sister with health problems while doing everything for her family tells me that they're both as ignorant as each other.

The OP clearly cares for her brother and his family, doesn't want to lose touch and have the kids enjoy a relationship. That's not a bad thing and it's a shame to see her get so much negativity for it.

People have been very mean to the OP. Like it or not, it is usually women who set the social/family agenda, and if they prioritise their family and friends it is difficult to go against that, and that is why husbands often become distant from their own family - for a quiet life.

We live 15 minutes from bil but see them rarely. Haven’t seen sil for about three years. I went to their house for a legal matter about five years ago and she told me to come to the “tradesman’s entrance” and I was left standing up for half an hour - no coffee or pleasantries. They see sil’s family all the time, for high days and holidays, and she has a big social group. Bil sees Dh on his own sometimes. It has made Dh sad over the years, especially when he sees their extended family holidays and birthday celebrations on FB, but he has come to terms with it. There has never been a row or anything, it’s just sil prefers her family.

When I come to think of it, my family growing up were the same - never saw some relatives of my parents - not because we didn’t like them, but we were too occupied with the other side.

I know it hurts OP but you have to acknowledge that you can’t make your brother do anything he doesn’t want to and as PO have said it is on him to reach out more because he is your brother. If he’s not reaching out to other members of the family again that is on him and shows you where his priorities are. Your SIL wants to see her family and has made the effort to do so and your brother looks to be happy with just going along with it for an easy life. Did he come and see you and your parents before he met SIL?

I talk or see my sister if she is usually with a parent but if not it would be years.

We are 6/7 years apart and have very little common other than growing up with the same parents in the same house hold. We barely look like family and if we weren’t we would be strangers and likely never met. She was the younger sister and one of my biggest aggressors growing up because not only did she know she could get away with it due to my mother treating me the same way but would do it in front of people making others uncomfortable since I hadn’t done or said anything to get her reactions. Even when I tried to bury the hatchet, and went out of my way, I rarely received a thank you or even has even gone as far as accusing me of stealing something of hers when it was mine and our mother wanted one for her and I showed her where I bought it all in the span of just seeing me next to it, no hi either. We’re cordial but I wouldn’t go out of my way to contact her and she would never contact me unless both our parents died. I’m okay with that and she doesn’t bring anything to my life or my children.

I see my parents every few years but we talk once a week, sometimes two.

My parents were emotionally and mentally abusive and are still a toxic environment (though they have gotten better) so the only way we are able to stay in contact and for my own emotional and mental health is living far away and having small doses of them. If it wasn’t for me having children it would have probably be talking to dad once a week and mother if he pressed me to.

@DottyHarmer “Like it or not, it is usually women who set the social/family agenda, and if they prioritise their family and friends it is difficult to go against that, and that is why husbands often become distant from their own family - for a quiet life.“

I think this is utter bullshit!
Not the part about women (more often) setting their social agenda. But suggesting the poor menz can’t go against it, and accept it for a quiet life? 🤣
Don’t be ridiculous! The menz are not out their wishing they could see more of their sisters and too downtrodden to speak up! They simply don’t want to.

@justkeeponmoving

so it seems the consensus is 2 or 3 times a year is acceptable for siblings - what about parents - how often is reasonable?

Oh this is sad There is a misalignment here. All you can do is invite them to join any day trips halfway between you both, keep suggesting meet ups and /or tell your DB you'd love to see them more.

2-3 times would be weird for me and my brother if he lived in the UK. I see him this often and he lives in the Middle East!!
But thinking about my husband and his brother (who lived about 4 hours apart) 3 times a year is about the norm. They whats app and chat in-between mostly about football though.
And BIL also calls to verbally download his problems every 4-6 weeks (this involves no two way dialogue it is just a stream of emotional unloading 🤣 )

Again, my mum is 10 mins away we see her 2-3 times a week sometimes for 15 mins sometimes 3 hours or so. My mil comes 4-6 times a year but is an emotionally demanding vortex lives 4 hours away

@justkeeponmoving

I'm angry at my brother more than my sister in law but I just mentioned my sister in law more because my brother does message me occasionally. I mention how much she sees her family simply to demonstrate that they do like to see family, just not our side

And he is your brother, so it is down to him. My sister was married for thirty years and my BIL was consequently part of my life since I was 16 years old, a huge part of my life, but I could count on one hand the number of times we messaged each other. I contact my sister, not him.

And I would repeat what someone else has said. It isn’t that “they” like to see the other side of the family. She is proactive about seeing her family and he goes with her.

You are starting to sound a bit precious.

@FloraPotts

If your sil lives in UK and her family is in France then I think it's perfectly normal for her to prioritise going back there during the holidays, for herself, and for her DC to maintain relationship with GPS, and sorry if this sounds harsh but that sounds perfectly normal to me.

And speaking as someone who lives abroad and visits UK in the holidays, it is really quite stressful trying to fit everyone in. We have stopped going to one location for Christmas and another for NY as it gets quite exhausting, and also it's hard sometimes when DC want to do something different to what you have planned, and school term times differ between countries etc.

I am sorry you feel that your brother wasn't there for you when you had cancer but tbh, I don't understand why you are blaming your sil for this.

I think as a sister, however close you were to your brother growing up, you have to make an adjustment and step back once your brother marries and has his own family. It's hard sometimes but I think that is just the way of things

I am not saying that your bil and sil shouldn't be making more of an effort with your family, because they should, but that is up to your brother to sort out!

Absolutely agree with stepping back when people have their own families and leave them to live their own lives and do their own things but I still think its important to make some effort to see each other

@Lobelia123

You may find its also the lure of France, which is a lovely place to visit, Id be there every second weekend if I had close family there :) Just relax, people have different ideas of how close they feel family relationships should be. She sounds perfectly pleasant and nice....you maybe need to build a circle of friends closer to home and who share in your current life stage...fellow moms, work colleagues and couples who are friends with you and your partner.

It's not just that they prefer france - they often cant see us in the holidays as they have her parents for the week. I feel sad that I dont get to see my neices and nephews and feel sad for my kids not seeing their cousins and aunts and uncles. When their children were born we were invited for half a day when the kids were around 3 months old. Her family stayed over for 2 weeks - i felt very sad that i only got half a day and a 2 minute cuddle with the new born! I dont care about it being 'even' - of course my sil will want her mum there with her lots when shes a new mum - thats totally normal but I felt really sad that I had so little time with the baby :-( I think Im allowed to feel sad about that

And before anyone says that when you have a new born you dont want loads of people around i understand that but even at 2 or 3 or 4 months old I dont feel that 3 hours of an afternoon in the childs first 6 months is much at all -but I will lower expectations and the expectations of my kids - I'll encourage them to focus on close friendships rather than family I think

I think your SIL organises contact with her family and your brother his. It may seem imbalanced but if this is what your brother is happy with its not going to change.

@Collaborate

I don’t get the negative responses to this thread.

You have made all the effort and he’s just not that interested in meeting up. If I were you I’d take a step back. Wait until they either suggest you visit them or they visit you.

My sister was like this. In 15 years we got invited to hers twice - once when she knew we were spending Christmas elsewhere anyway. She’d hardly ever ring me - once every two years as opposed to me calling her maybe twice a year, but then complain to my mum that we weren’t close as I never rang her.

She stopped speaking to me a few years ago so I no longer have this problem but I think you should try to detach yourself so that it doesn’t upset you. Get closer to your parents.

Ah thank you so much for your kind post! I will take a step back and wait for them to suggest meeting up. It is sad and you are right - I will try to detach myself so it doesn't upset me.

Sounds like there is a bit of animosity or jealousy with the SIL.

We live more than 4 hours from DH's family. I never contact SIL really as we're not close particularly and to be honest we don't really have much in common.

It sounds like you view the relationship very differently to them.

@astroboy45

**They travel to see her parents extremely often but they dont take their kids to see my parents - so their kids see one set of grandparents who live abroad a lot more than my parents who live in the same country but thats a separate issue.

Yep it sounds as if your brother is definitely the issue here. As someone said before, SIL is prioritising seeing HER own family. If they see her parents who live overseas, more often then they see your parents who lives in the same country, it’s clear that your brother isn’t bothered enough regarding seeing his own family. It’s not up to her to arrange visits when your brother is more than capable to do so.

I stopped reaching out to DPs side and now they hardly ever care enough to come and see DD. DP just doesn’t care enough to arrange anything🤷‍♀️ As you said, db and sil also live nearly two hours away. That’s quite a long distance to me so 2/3 times a year sounds good enough to me

Thank you for your kind and sensible post! I agree with what you have said - you summarised it perfectly. I will just accept the 2 / 3 times a year (well that is when i make the effort). I will take a step back though. thank you