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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother and sister-in-law don't make any effort to see us

162 replies

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 07:37

My brother and his wife live 1 hour 45 mins away yet they only see us around 2 or 3 times a year. In contrast her family live in France and they go to visit them in France every half term holiday (or her family come to visit them) - so every 6 weeks or so they see them. When we do see them we have a wonderful time and they tell other people they had a great time so I know it's not us! We're chilled out normal, sociable people. I think it's just a case of them prioritising where they want to spend their time and there are only 4 weekends a month so they see their friends and her family a lot and we are just way down the list - because she just prefers to see her mum which I do understand.

I was very ill in 2019 with cancer but made a recovery. I finished all my treatment in Nov 2019 and thought Xmas they would want to spend with me but they jetted off to France. I regularly suggest meeting up and our kids all get on great. This christmas they were due to see us in Nov to celebrate as they were spending Xmas in france - they cancelled as they were ill which is fine but they made no effort to suggest a new date. I reached out after xmas and suggested we meet up as I'd like to give my niece her xmas presents and to see them to make up for xmas. They replied saying yes that would be great and would let me know dates but they haven't. I always have to set up the meetups. I understand she wants to see her family lots and that's fine but I feel like they don't bother with us - they just squeeze us in when they can. To be honest if I didn't have kids I'd not bother at all trying to meet up as I don't see the point of a half hearted relationship with immediate family who don't really care. I feel sorry for my son though!! I became a single parent in 2012 and I remember they didn't make any effort with me and I felt very lonely and isolated. I've now been in a long term relationship for 8 years so I don't 'need' them now but I feel desperately let down and sad about the situation and honestly feel like not bothering at all any more. His wife never makes any contact with me at all between visits. I have tried really really hard but am fed up now... I'd be very interested to know how often people see their brothers and sisters please? And in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all with the relationship? They never see me on my birthday or my kids birthdays or invite us to there's for birthdays or new years etc. They also don't make much effort with my parents and other family so it's not just us. I have spoken to them and asked them to see them more so it's not a case of me 'talking to them about it'.

OP posts:

Qwill · 08/02/2022 11:36

Maybe try thinking about it another way? You know those good friends you have that you don’t see for a while, but when you do it’s as if nothing has changed? Certainly nothing ‘false’ about it. People have different expectations and personally I would be happy that when you meet up you all have a good time. Maybe that’s enough for them. As you said, they are busy people and they make time to see you three times a year - I think that’s pretty good going! It seems you all like each other which is the main thing.

Arabellla · 08/02/2022 11:37

@justkeeponmoving

I meant to ask - in my situation would you consider just not bothering at all and let the relationship just die off?!

Yes, absolutely fine to stop running around after them.

Let them arrange or suggest the next catch-up.

Rockbird · 08/02/2022 11:39

Mine don't either and they live about 4 roads away. My brother and I used to be close but I see him about 3 times a year now.

Horst · 08/02/2022 11:43

Honestly most people are busy. She plans visits with her family because that involves cross country travelling.

It sounds like your brother just isn’t fussed and well men do seem to suck at organising family time tbh I’d say 2/3 times a year is pretty normal. Infact if I counted how many times dh actually organised a visit to his side it would be zero we attend because an invite has been issued.

My own brother I see him if he happens to be at my mums when I pop in. Could go a year or two without seeing him.

incognitoforthisone · 08/02/2022 12:07

Yes, I think I'll just do this - although it just seems so false to me just meeting up twice a year. We see them and my kids then talk about them and ask after them for weeks/ months and then just as they get used to not seeing them we see them again - it's not the same I know but it's a bit like an absent parent not committing to their child - more damaging to see them occasionally than not at all (i know its not the same thing at all really!) but thats the only way i can describe it - anyway I'll just tell my kids thats just how it is and to enjoy the 10 hours a year or whatever it is they get with them! Thanks everyone!

Appreciate that this is how you feel, but ... to me, this seems like a weird reaction. Your children should be more than capable of having some people in their lives that they see less frequently than others and they shouldn't be pining for them; I think you're probably projecting a lot on to your kids here.

I think you just have a very specific notion of what a sibling relationship should be, and can't accept that other people, including your own sibling, don't feel they need to adhere to those rules. Two or three times a year seems perfectly normal for family who live a couple of hours away.

If your SIL's family are French, then I can absolutely see why she wants to make sure she and her children see them a lot. If she's a French person living in England then regular visits back to France and spending time with French-speaking family is the only way she can really immerse her kids in the French half of their culture.

I love my siblings very much and we get on well when see each other. But we see each other about three times a year, I'd say. And that's fine. And don't have exchanges of messages with my SIL and BIL either; I wouldn't really expect them to message me just to say hi and if we were making arrangements about something, it would just usually be my siblings who would get in touch rather than their partners because they're closest to me.

I appreciate you feel differently about this, and you can't help the way you feel, but your brother's done nothing wrong.

11GrumpsaGrumping · 08/02/2022 12:07

It is a bit frustrating to me reading your op, as I can well imagine my SIL writing the same thing about me, DH, and DS.

In my opinion, my family relationships are up to me to nurture, and DH's family relationships up to him. He puts in significantly less effort than I do, and so even though my family are farther away, we see and speak to them more.

Also, I am making some assumptions here, but is it possible that your brother simply enjoys his wife's family more? I know that DH does, in our circumstance- his family are from a small ish town which his sister never really left, their children don't behave and so doing things with them is exhausting and frustrating, and the impetus is always on us to travel to see them- which is tiring.

So we do see them 2-3 times a year, we do enjoy it when we do, but that's enough for us!

Cocomarine · 08/02/2022 12:10

You clearly do see it that way. You can’t say “it’s like this” then “I know it’s not”. That’s how you feel. And frankly, it’s ridiculous!

If it seems false, it’s because you don’t have much of a relationship with your brother, full stop. If you did, you could see him once every two years and still enjoy those visits, and not make silly digs about “10 hours”.

PicaK · 08/02/2022 12:15

Are you a planner? I mean how much notice do you give that you want to see them. Do you suggest dates. Have you asked if they are free on x date to celebrate your birthday?

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 12:26

I think @incognitoforthisone and @11GrumpsaGrumping's posts are good.

It's certainly understandable that your SIL makes a big effort to immerse her children in the French part of their heritage.

And in my own brother's case, he is both lazy about visiting my parents, and he also enjoys his wife's family far more. To be blunt, they are a big, united, terribly straightforward clan, all of whom live on the family farm, where DB's wife also has a small house where they spend a lot of time. To me, they're nice enough but very limited, but I think DB, who is a melancholic type, finds this soothing, certainly more soothing than our more complex family dynamics.

That's on him. I don't think his wife's job is forwarding communications with our family. If he felt strongly, he would behave differently, and that's fine.

I do think you are taking this weirdly personally, though especially the remarks about it feeling 'false' to only see one another twice a year, and that it's like an absent parent whom it's more damaging for a child to see at long intervals than not at all! It sounds as if you have a specific model for how you want the relationship to be, which is fair enough but your brother doesn't agree...

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 12:31

And I know you keep saying that you don't 'badger' your brother and SIL, but even on the basis of the things you've said on here, about telling your kids that's 'just how it is' and 'to enjoy the ten hours or whatever a year' and your brother and his family 'jetting off to France' sound very bitter, reproachful and passive-aggressive. I wonder if the reproachfulness comes through in your communications with your brother, and makes them feel 'nagged', especially if it's literally always you chasing them for more contact than they appear to want.

ittakes2 · 08/02/2022 12:31

I have a relationship with my s'n'l like this and she lives 15mins away. Perfectly nice woman, has been great for my b'n'law - but life is all about her family. We went to their wedding overseas and our children were two of about six children....the other four children being from her side of the family and these four children all had important roles in the wedding party. My two children had zilch. There was a last minute attempt to include them I think instigated by my husband and they were asked to announce the cutting of the cake.
When we meet my s'n'law I compliment her, ask her about her life. She doesn't even ask about my children ie her niece and nephew. It makes her sound mean but she's not - she is just very wrapped up in her own extended family.

SeasonFinale · 08/02/2022 12:33

Why are you also involving yourself with how frequently they see your parents. That is a separate issue and between your parents and them. Perhaps one reason they don't see you is because you attempt to pressure them into doing that. Just a thought.

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 12:39

Perfectly nice woman, has been great for my b'n'law - but life is all about her family.

But this is normal! I married DH, not his family. If he wants to spend time with his family in a way that involves me, he needs to prioritise and organise it. If he wanted your children to have a role in his wedding, he needed to prioritise and organise it. Your SIL isn't the 'social secretary' for both families just because she's female.

whymewhyme · 08/02/2022 12:41

I cant remeber the last time i saw my SIL or BIL lol they only like 20mins away

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 13:07

@Cocomarine

You clearly do see it that way. You can’t say “it’s like this” then “I know it’s not”. That’s how you feel. And frankly, it’s ridiculous!

I would never actually say this to my kids or to them! I just feel a bit upset about it and venting on here but I'll draw a line under it and just accept my expectations are far too high it seems! I really value relationships and think they are important and I dont actually feel that they see us enough at all - I do feel that it is very sad that we only see them for a few hours a year really when you add it all up but that is their choice and I will just wait for them to suggest seeing us and go from there - of course I'd not say anything negative to my kids or them! My sister in law likes to spend most of their spare time with her family and friends and my brother goes along with that and he is clearly happy with that and that's the end of it really - I may feel sad about it but I have to just accept it and focus on other things and enjoy the tiny amount of time when we do see them! :-)

OP posts:

Horst · 08/02/2022 13:13

Even your last post still make it sound like a sil thing. That she does this and his just happy to go along with it. Like he doesn’t have a choice to say no or plan something himself.

Nobody owes you their time as harsh as it sounds. Just because you are relatives to someone also doesn’t mean they have to spend time with you or even like you.

FurbleSocks · 08/02/2022 13:15

This happened in my family and I'm now LC as if they can't be bothered inviting me I can't be bothered seeing them.

It's sad because the cousins love each others' company but their adults don't care about us.

I only met my youngest nephew once in the first year he was born. And only for 30 minutes. I kept asking and kept getting knocked back. We only ended up seeing him as we crossed over at another relative's get together. He's 5 now and I've seen him less than 5 times in total.

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 13:23

@justkeeponmoving, can you say more about exactly why you find it so sad? You clearly are sad about it, but it's not entirely clear why. Were you and your brother very close in the past and you miss that? Is he your only sibling?

It's just that it doesn't sound as if that's the reason -- you say on a number of occasions that you wouldn't bother trying to meet if it wasn't for the fact that you have children (a child?), which suggests you feel it more on your child's behalf than your own? Or did you feel very solitary when your marriage/relationship ended?

I just feel there are an awful lot of 'should's in your posts, about what family relationships 'should' be like, how your brother and SIL 'should' be behaving, that your SIL 'should' contact you between visits, that she 'should' see her family less and yours more etc.

Wouldn't it better for your own peace of mind if you let go of some of those 'should's? Or maybe, if it is the case that you miss a former closeness with your brother, stop focusing so much on whole-family get-togethers, and just phone him to chat from time to time? They live a fair way away from you, and it might be easier to stop being so focused on actually seeing one another.

Original poster

justkeeponmoving · 08/02/2022 13:28

@Horst

Even your last post still make it sound like a sil thing. That she does this and his just happy to go along with it. Like he doesn’t have a choice to say no or plan something himself.

Nobody owes you their time as harsh as it sounds. Just because you are relatives to someone also doesn’t mean they have to spend time with you or even like you.

of course it's his choice -he chooses to see her family with her. I do remember a long time ago he spent one night at our parents house and I was there too - the only time he ever spent a night apart from her and she was messaging him saying she didn't like eating on her own and who should she eat dinner with? I didn't mention that in my original post as I didn't want to make it about my SIL - its my brothers choice - she plans the meetups with her family and he enjoys going along with her of course

OP posts:

Shiningpath · 08/02/2022 13:40

Maybe you need to be really clear with your brother about how you’re feeling (albeit wording things a bit differently) because vague statements about how kids would like to see each other or you’d like to see them won’t cut it.

You need to be really direct and say you’d like to see each other more if possible and make some suggestions about dates and times. Be clear how much it would mean to you if they came to your party and ask if they can make it happen.

Just don’t sound like an attack on his wife. As much as you’ve insisted here that you have no blame or animosity towards your sister in law, it really didn’t sound like that.

If he still doesn’t take it on board after that you just have to face up to the level of contact he’s willing to have.

Horst · 08/02/2022 13:42

Again her being sad eating alone many years isn’t relevant unless your trying to make out he can’t do stuff because of her trying to control him or something.

It is weird or strange to eat alone when used to eating with your partner every night not bad strange but it does feel strange as your normals been thrown off. When dh works stupid late it’s weird the meal just isn’t the same.

Your expecting more than others are willing to give and I hope you learn to deal with or accept this before your children grow up and have partners and maybe don’t want to live in the world of your ideal visits.

weaselish · 08/02/2022 13:55

I also think 2-3 times a year is fine. My. Brother and sil are 2.5 hours away in my home town; we see them about 2 times a year but text regularly and the kids FaceTime each other. My mum also comes up to stay too so I see her about 4-5 times a year but for longer stays.
I see my husbands family much more, and my sil sees her family much more.
We're just all too busy to do much more - kids have parties, activities, we have a social life, friends etc - there just aren't that many spare weekends. No big deal.
Focus on your friendships and local life.

Glitterygreen · 08/02/2022 13:57

Is it that you're asking to seem them more and they're saying they can't?

If not, I'd try that first. Cutting them off will just upset you, it's not worth it.

Cocomarine · 08/02/2022 14:05

You don’t sound as if you like her.
On him, there’s nothing there about actually liking him either. Just not as obvious that you don’t, as with your SIL.
It doesn’t sound like you want a meaningful relationship with them as actual people - you just like the idea of close and meaningful family relationships (and who wouldn’t!) - and want them to provide that.

SparklingLime · 08/02/2022 14:13

You would have avoided some of the more pointlessly critical posts by having this in Relationships, OP. You can still ask if YABU, but you avoid the people who hang around here just waiting to tell anyone how VVU they are.

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