DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

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It sounds ridiculous, I couldn't be bothered with him being so silly.

In theory it is up to him yes, but is he also the kind of wally who will be arsey about it if you do get pregnant?

Is he alright in other ways? Because this would make it hard for me to respect him, he's being very childish.

Unless you want a baby I’d use some contraception yourself

Well yes if he doesn't want a child he should take responsibility for making sure he wears a condom etc. Be aware though than an 'unplanned' pregnancy he might well walk away from as he has been clear about what he wants, not saying that would be justified or acceptable, but I'd consider it.

@RachHen That's the thing, I do want a baby! 😂

@Lampshading

Well yes if he doesn't want a child he should take responsibility for making sure he wears a condom etc. Be aware though than an 'unplanned' pregnancy he might well walk away from as he has been clear about what he wants, not saying that would be justified or acceptable, but I'd consider it.

Yes I agree.

And why are you still having sex. He’s at the best a prat, worst disrespectful LTB etc

Only you know where he falls between the two

@labyrinthlaziness @Lampshading

He's not the kind of wally who would be arsey about it if I did get pregnant, no... he does love kids and I wouldn't be worried about him resenting the baby, being a bad dad, walking away or anything.

He is a good guy, just generally with anything needing done I need to organise it / push it / go on about it for a bit, he tends to just go with the flow! I just don't really want to organise and push for a vasectomy for him when I don't really want it 🤷‍♀️

I’d have one last conversation with him when you’re not about to shag, making your position very clear, then leave him to it. Berk.

If you want a baby then keep having sex with him, it'll be his own fault if you get pregnant.

You’ve been honest with him about wanting a baby etc so he can’t complain if (more likely when) you get pregnant!

@Lampshading

Well yes if he doesn't want a child he should take responsibility for making sure he wears a condom etc. Be aware though than an 'unplanned' pregnancy he might well walk away from as he has been clear about what he wants, not saying that would be justified or acceptable, but I'd consider it.

This. Although obvs as you are married w a child it’s a less likely.

I’d have one conversation when you look him in the eye and say - so if I get pregnant you ARE ok w another baby? If he is then crack on, if not then make him wear a condom till he sorts the snip.

[quote coracrawley1]@RachHen That's the thing, I do want a baby! 😂[/quote]
Do you want one badly enough knowing that your DH doesn’t want one? The pair of you are playing Russian roulette with what is potentially someone’s life. You both need to sit down and sort this out.
He doesn’t want any more children? He sorts out proper contraception. Until then you both need to stop having unprotected sex.

A: condom
B: vasectomy
C: baby

He needs to choose one. His responsibility, not yours.

I'd say he doesn't want sex then. If he's not going to use a condom, get the snip nor take responsibility for a pregnancy then he's taken sex out of the relationship.

There's no way I'd have a baby with someone who didn't want one. He'll just bail.

OP, if he was that against having another baby he would not be so careless. Explain again that you are not on any contraception and if he carries on as the condomless wonder, you will get pregnant again.

I would not keep quiet and let things go on, he might be okay with having DC2 right now, but years down the line don’t give him the chance to throw any kind of accusation in your direction.

I’d have one conversation when you look him in the eye and say - so if I get pregnant you ARE ok w another baby? If he is then crack on, if not then make him wear a condom till he sorts the snip.

It's not the OP's responsibility to make him wear a condom, that's on him to do every time they have sex if he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy.

Erm... just no?
This is not how my DH and I would behaviour.

Yanbu to not want to take chemical contraceptive but "two wrongs don't make a right"
it's very irresponsible on both sides and if / when you do get pregnant is the kind of thing that can/ will end a marriage.
You seem to think he is some lovable wally but what if he does say "I can't do this I want you to get an abortion".

Mad behaviour all round....

There are sort of two things here - admin/wifework and the more fundamental issue of you wanting another child when he doesn’t. I wouldn’t take on any admin or chasing for the snip/condoms either, why on Earth should you? But then, I also couldn’t get/stay married in the first place to someone who only wanted one child.

He’s ridiculous. What does he think is going to happen? He needs to behave like an adult and take some responsibility. Have you outright asked him how he would feel if his engaging in unprotected sex unsurprisingly ended up with you being pregnant? What does he say?

[quote coracrawley1]**@labyrinthlaziness* @Lampshading*

He's not the kind of wally who would be arsey about it if I did get pregnant, no... he does love kids and I wouldn't be worried about him resenting the baby, being a bad dad, walking away or anything.

He is a good guy, just generally with anything needing done I need to organise it / push it / go on about it for a bit, he tends to just go with the flow! I just don't really want to organise and push for a vasectomy for him when I don't really want it 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Ah bless you OP. Good luck with that :)

I would just text him so I could point to it in writing. Hi honey, just wanted this in writing that we agreed you are responsible for contraception since I realised the hormonal types don’t agree with me physically. If you’re not bothering and we have a baby I will absolutely not consider anything other than keeping it and loving it, which you know. Balls in your court.

I would just keep quiet and let him carry on with the withdrawal method, as sometime it's going to fail, or he'll be so wrapped up in orgasm, he will forget, you will fall pregnant, but it will be totally down to him.

Once you've had another baby he will probably go for the vasectomy!

Exactly what happened with me, but after my second!

Perhaps he actually wants another too but without the stress of having to perform. Go with the flow. I told dh the same and that is ds2. Then we went for the snip!