DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

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@Theredjellybean

I'm going against the nsjo here by saying do nothing. You have told him you'd like another child, and you are not taking the pill. WHY is it up to you to sit him down for another chat about this? Why is it the woman's responsibility to arrange and facilitate the big chats? This is just more wife work, mental load. Crap. Do you think the dh is on a men's forum or asking his mates and getting advised to organise a time to talk... Nah... He is merrily going through his day and I bet not giving it a thought.... So why should OP. because we know that just having a chat. Means you have to get dc into bed at reason time, find a night you're both home, not to tired, maybe cook or get wine poured and have plan of what to say... More work for OP. if your dh doesn't want you to get pregnant he can do something about it. Why should you put the work into something you don't actually want?

Because this should not be about playing games as an actual person could result in their stupidity. A baby deserves to be born wanted from the very start.

@timeisnotaline

I would just text him so I could point to it in writing. Hi honey, just wanted this in writing that we agreed you are responsible for contraception since I realised the hormonal types don’t agree with me physically. If you’re not bothering and we have a baby I will absolutely not consider anything other than keeping it and loving it, which you know. Balls in your court.

Exactly this, add literally to the end.

He is having sex without a condom, with a wife not on contraception, and he hasn't had a vasectomy. Unless he has an iq of 1, then he will know this can result in a baby. He's maybe not as bothered as he claims, bit like his dad. And I think his mother would string him up by his balls if he walked out on his family from the sounds of it. I know my MIL would and my partner knows it too.

If i was in your situation i would do the same. You aren't being deceitful he knows how babies are made and knows you want another and that currently not using contraception... The urge to have a baby can be strong, I wouldnt arrange any vasectomy for him whilst you feel like that! You know him best and if you think he would be okay with it, then you're probably right! X

I think you just need to say to him “just to be 100% clear, if I get pregnant we are definitely keeping the baby - you do know that don’t you?”

If the answer is anything other than “yes, obviously” then you need to ask him again what he is going to do about it.

If he’s happy with the scenario that you might “accidentally” get pregnant then crack on and don’t bother asking him about contraception any more (especially as you want another baby anyway).

Placemarking for when you announce your pregnancy 😄

Dh was like that but he said he didn’t want the snip either. I said I wasn’t taking any contraception and he said he’d pull out expect soon he couldn’t be bothered. So he knew and I did get pregnant and it was fine. He later said he didn’t want the pressure.

Where does it stop? You have another one. Do you go on to have 3,4,5?

"This sounds pretty rapey tbh"

@thedancingbear Jesus Christ. To be clear, I'm very happy to have sex with my husband without a condom. He knows this. I'm reminding him that he should be using a condom because HE said he doesn't want any more kids!

I think you're both being unreasonable to some extent. He needs to organise himself, you need to stop trying for another baby. You both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about your contraception and expectations and what you're going to do until you've sorted it (e.g. not getting into the heat of the moment).

I would sit down with him over dinner and say “Right… I am going to state categorically that from Valentine’s Day, I am holding you at your word about contraception. We are both adults here. You know my feelings on the subject and I know yours. If you are going to accept responsibility for contraception, then do it. I am not your mother or your PA. I won’t be booking it for you, and I won’t be nagging you or reminding you. This is the last conversation I will be having on the subject. If we get pregnant because you haven’t done anything about it, I will not allow you to blame-shift. I will be perfectly happy about it and you will just have to deal with it.”

@Hankunamatata I'd like to stop after 2, I'd just ideally like to have more than one.

(At which point, I'll be happy to do his life admin and organise a vasectomy, and/or be strict about condoms or abstinence, where not having another baby is also in my interests!)

He must be irresistible, it's the only explanation. Why do we do this to ourselves? Find some self respect OP, don't allow him to have this hold on you.

I'd just tell him one last time the contraception is up to him and if you fall pregnant you don't want an abortion. Then crack on!

His choice as you’ve made it clear the ball is in his court for contraception. Don’t see why you should nag him to do something he wants and you don’t.

@Karwomannghia Thanks for sharing - yes, @Sparklybanana had a similar experience earlier in the thread. I really hadn't thought of this, but it's easily a possibility. He didn't like the pressure of trying first time around.

I think that if the agreement that you have come to as a couple is no more children, then you are both responsible for ensuring that is what happens. You are a couple and should work together, not work against each other, with you secretly hoping that he'll be trapped into to doing what you want without his agreement.

Why anyone would want to have a child with someone who has clearly stated that they don't want one is beyond me.

@mrsm43s We haven't come to an agreement as a couple... I'd like us to have another baby, and he knows that. He doesn't want us to have another baby, and I know that.

He openly says I've managed contraception up until now and put my body through a lot with pregnancy and childbirth, so happily accepts that the responsibility of contraception is now his.

He just isn't really doing anything about it... 🤷‍♀️

Crack on OP! I’d be seducing him like crazy!

I personally wouldn't be happy taking the risk to get pregnant knowing my DH doesn't want another baby. It's unfair on the baby. It's totally his responsibility to get the snip or use condoms, but if I knew my husband didn't want another, I'd be refusing sex until he got the snip to protect a potential baby from not being wanted.

I'll also add because we were in similar circumstances regarding baby. I'm happy to have another but DH wasn't for a while, so he used condoms. Now he's on board so that's all fine, but we both knew it was unfair to have unprotect sex when DH didn't want another as of that moment...

Your nightclub, your door policy. He doesn't follow the dress code, he ain't coming in.

I think you need to sit him down and spell it out

Why? Is he not an adult?

This sound pretty rapey tbh

Wtf are you talking about?

I would have a serious conversation about the fact that you are happy (and actually wanting) to have a second child so are no longer willing to be the one in charge of reminding him to use contraception.

Tell him that if he's not using contraception and you fall pregnant you are keeping the baby.

Ask him if he is ok with that and tell him that if he isn't it's up to him to sort it out.

I do wonder if he is secretly hoping for a 'happy accident' and actually wants another baby but doesn't want to say it out loud as the idea scares him.

I’d just send him a link to Marie Stopes website and tell him it’s up to him to sort it out then leave it at that. He needs to do something about it if he genuinely doesn’t want another child, he’s being foolish.

Ha! I do think men are hilarious as I feel this is a common story. For almost a year my DP was using the withdrawl method for similar reasons. Sadly i didn't get pregnant and each month hoping (but not being able to share that) was very disappointing . Persauded him to try and we did and pregnant. @coracrawley1 I think you need to keep up the chats about more DC, don't just hope for a mistake.