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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

217 replies

coracrawley1 · 08/02/2022 06:46

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
ChippyChipsTh0 · 08/02/2022 07:29

he has been clear about what he wants

I wouldn't call him saying he doesn't want anymore children but doing fuck all to actually ensure that doesn't happen whilst still having sex with his wife who he knows would be happy to get pregnant and isn't taking anything herself, is really being "clear".

Not unless he has no idea about basic human biology anyway.

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 07:31

@Lampshading

Well yes if he doesn't want a child he should take responsibility for making sure he wears a condom etc. Be aware though than an 'unplanned' pregnancy he might well walk away from as he has been clear about what he wants, not saying that would be justified or acceptable, but I'd consider it.
A 'unplanned' as you are suggesting is if the OP stopped taking the pill and didn't tell him.

This wouldn't be a planned baby but some replies are making out that he is being tricked. I assume he knows how babies happen and he needs to be responsible for protection. The idea that OP should make him wear a condom or book the vasectomy is depressing. He is a adult.

RegardingMary · 08/02/2022 07:31

I think you need to sit him down and spell it out.

'I'm no longer taking contraception. If you don't want another baby you need to do more than pull out'.

Similar happened to BIL when SIL fell pregnant (no surprise as contraception hadn't been used for months) he went from amazing family man to arsehole claiming she'd tricked him and suddenly withdrew from family life. Years later and I don't know how or why they're still together and the younger child often says how her dad doesn't love her as much as her sibling.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/02/2022 07:32

Presumably, he knows how babies are made.

I’d just say to him: since I’m not on the pill and you’re not using condoms, can we just make sure that we’re clear that we ARE trying for baby number 2 then? Because that’s what the outcome of this will be.

And if he says anything other than: yes, I’m clear that that’s where we’re headed and I’m on board for that, just leave him for being terminally thick.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/02/2022 07:35

@Lampshading

Well yes if he doesn't want a child he should take responsibility for making sure he wears a condom etc. Be aware though than an 'unplanned' pregnancy he might well walk away from as he has been clear about what he wants, not saying that would be justified or acceptable, but I'd consider it.
How is it an unplanned pregnancy if both halves of the couple are knowingly and consenting to having unprotected sex?
Popopopo · 08/02/2022 07:38

Some of the responses on this thread....not all men are the type to walk away from their own kids, use a child against you or tell you to get an abortion Confused anywho....my DP is equally shit at organising his life, but I would draw the line at organising his vasectomy! Just make it clear to him where you stand and that you wont be doing it. Does he know you want another?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/02/2022 07:41

My friends husband was like this. He did finally get round to getting the snip after their next child was born

Child is now 7 and they are still together and he doesn't resent the child at all

kalidasa · 08/02/2022 07:41

Withdrawal can work reasonably well for some couples, if he is well controlled and you're not eg having sex several times in a row (when sperm can be hanging about from before). I once read up about it. But obviously it's much riskier than most actual "methods" and couples tend to use it when they are spacing babies rather than really don't want one. You need to have a proper, explicit conversation where you say you won't take responsibility for preventing a pregnancy you would like and then let it lie. Honestly unlike other posters I think a lot of family planning in real life happens in this sort of grey zone and if the marriage is strong it'll probably be ok either way. Just make sure you have talked about it properly once.

Seemssounfair · 08/02/2022 07:47

[quote coracrawley1]@RachHen That's the thing, I do want a baby! 😂[/quote]
Thats nice. But do you want one with someone who doesn't?

You both need to sort this out instead of playing games.

RedRobin100 · 08/02/2022 07:47

@timeisnotaline

I would just text him so I could point to it in writing. Hi honey, just wanted this in writing that we agreed you are responsible for contraception since I realised the hormonal types don’t agree with me physically. If you’re not bothering and we have a baby I will absolutely not consider anything other than keeping it and loving it, which you know. Balls in your court.
👍🏼
Original poster
coracrawley1 · 08/02/2022 07:47

@Sparklybanana I hadn't actually thought of this, that's a good point and very possible, as he didn't like the pressure the first time around.

I totally get what some are saying re: worrying about him leaving, asking for an abortion, etc, if I was to fall pregnant. I know it sounds naive, but I do know him and it's just not him. We talked about accidental pregnancies years ago, pre marriage & DS, and have done since when talking about friends, family, etc, and I know he'd be against abortion - he is very much, see what life throws at you and deal with it.

@Eightiesfan "If he was that against having another baby he wouldn't be so careless"... This is exactly how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Folklore9074 · 08/02/2022 07:48

In your place I’d not do the reminding etc. You’ve been clear about wanting another and he knows how sex works. Maybe he actually want to just let things take their course? Either way you don’t need to do anything.

RedRobin100 · 08/02/2022 07:48

What @timeisnotaline said

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/02/2022 07:49

If you're completely confident that he doesn't mean in when he says he doesn't want another child, and an unplanned pregnancy won't cause issues for your family & relationship, then just carry on.
However, people are constantly surprised & disappointed & let down by people 'they thought they knew'.

Getbehindme · 08/02/2022 07:52

@MinnieMountain

I’d have one last conversation with him when you’re not about to shag, making your position very clear, then leave him to it. Berk.
Agreed. Also loving the word berk. I'm going to slot that into my day.
GiantSpider · 08/02/2022 07:55

YANBU. Maybe have one more conversation so it's really clear and then leave him to it.

DH and I used withdrawal successfully for years so it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have another baby.

Original poster
coracrawley1 · 08/02/2022 07:55

@Popopopo Thanks! Yeah I'm not sure who some folks are married to that they'd worry their DH would walk away from a baby or demand an abortion 🤷‍♀️

He 100% knows I want another yeah, I'm pretty open about it. The last time it came up we were out for lunch with his mother... and she said, in front of him, that she and his father were the same before their last child - DH's DF had said no more babies but MIL "had another one anyway" 😂

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 08/02/2022 07:56

@MarmiteyCrumpets

A: condom B: vasectomy C: baby

He needs to choose one. His responsibility, not yours.

Don’t forget D: no sex.
SunshineCake1 · 08/02/2022 07:58

Lots of naive people here.

Just because he is married and you have one baby doesn't mean he won't walk away if, when , you get pregnant again. It doesn't mean he won't blame you and try and force you into a termination.

You are both being very immature. A baby should be conceived because both parties want him/her. Not because he can't be arsed to book an appointment or wear a condom. A baby isn't a toy ffs.

Both of you need to be sensible and stop being led by your dick and hormones.

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 07:58

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

If you're completely confident that he doesn't mean in when he says he doesn't want another child, and an unplanned pregnancy won't cause issues for your family & relationship, then just carry on. However, people are constantly surprised & disappointed & let down by people 'they thought they knew'.
So you think contraception is the woman's problem, and that her DH who is choosing to not wear a condom is blameless?
QueBarbaridad · 08/02/2022 08:00

You can’t rely on withdrawal, but you can’t rely on it not working either if he always does it. Agreement would be better.

Theredjellybean · 08/02/2022 08:00

I'm going against the nsjo here by saying do nothing.
You have told him you'd like another child, and you are not taking the pill.
WHY is it up to you to sit him down for another chat about this? Why is it the woman's responsibility to arrange and facilitate the big chats? This is just more wife work, mental load. Crap.
Do you think the dh is on a men's forum or asking his mates and getting advised to organise a time to talk... Nah... He is merrily going through his day and I bet not giving it a thought.... So why should OP.
because we know that just having a chat. Means you have to get dc into bed at reason time, find a night you're both home, not to tired, maybe cook or get wine poured and have plan of what to say... More work for OP.
if your dh doesn't want you to get pregnant he can do something about it. Why should you put the work into something you don't actually want?

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 08:01

@SunshineCake1

Lots of naive people here.

Just because he is married and you have one baby doesn't mean he won't walk away if, when , you get pregnant again. It doesn't mean he won't blame you and try and force you into a termination.

You are both being very immature. A baby should be conceived because both parties want him/her. Not because he can't be arsed to book an appointment or wear a condom. A baby isn't a toy ffs.

Both of you need to be sensible and stop being led by your dick and hormones.

Apparently 44% of pregnancies are unplanned. Plus it's the husband that needs to stop being led by his dick
thedancingbear · 08/02/2022 08:04

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s

This sound pretty rapey tbh

SunshineCake1 · 08/02/2022 08:04

I meant the husband. I was talking about both of them.