DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

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Tell him he isn't going to have sex with you no more until he gets a vasectomy. What a manchild

@Marvellousmadness

Tell him he isn't going to have sex with you no more until he gets a vasectomy. What a manchild

Well this is counterproductive because OP wants a baby.

It's an odd one, presumably if he was really really really dead against having another child he'd wear a condom, or get the snip. I do wonder if he's struggling with the decision to have another child or not, and is letting fate be the decider. It's not exactly mature behaviour, but it's sort of understandable. As long as he doesn't use the excuse that the pregnancy was unplanned as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities later on, I'd crack on OP.

Men are very good at pretending that pregnancy won't happen, despite having unprotected sex with no birth control involved (pulling-out doesn't count, obvs).
If he maintains that he doesn't want more children, yet is doing the above, I don't know what to say. You need to sit down (away from the bedroom) and have an actual discussion - spell it out to him that if you both continue to have unprotected sex, you will likely get pregnant, and ask how he plans to deal with that if/when it happens. It's not great that you're both having unprotected sex, with you hoping to get pregnant and him hoping not to.

So what’s your AIBU?
You’re happy to get pregnant.
You think he’ll be ok with it.

Of course it’s up to him to organise his own vasectomy, or deal with the consequences if he doesn’t use a condom. Does he not agree? I fail to understand the point of this thread.

I asked my DH's opinion on this and he says that it is totally on him. He knows where he stands, you have made it clear. I would maybe just cover yourself, sit him down and make it clear, tell him again that you want another baby, that contraception is on him, you are not going to remind him anymore and if you get pregnant it is on him. See what he does then.

@coracrawley1

"This sounds pretty rapey tbh"

@thedancingbear Jesus Christ. To be clear, I'm very happy to have sex with my husband without a condom. He knows this. I'm reminding him that he should be using a condom because HE said he doesn't want any more kids!

So you are in effect trying to conceive a baby your husband says he doesn’t want?

I think the most responsible thing to do would be to say no sex until DH makes up his mind either way.

Why are people telling OP to withhold sex? She wants sex. She wants a baby.

As a little aside, the much-derided 'pull out method' worked very well for us for YEARS. When we wanted to conceive, and he stopped 'pulling out', I got pregnant straight away. I obviously wouldn't advise it as a reliable method of contraception to my son or daughter (and, now that I 100% definitely don't want any more kids myself, I'm not using it) but I think the idea that pulling out is totally useless isn't true.

Your DH doesn't sound stupid to me. He is clearly either very confident in his pulling out skills or has secretly accepted that fate may well decide that you have another baby. I'd crack on, OP.

Well, he'll have to grow up, won't he? I'd just say, I'm happy to have another baby so I'm going to leave it entirely to you to prevent another pregnancy, if that's what you want.

Sounds to me that you want another baby . Nothing wrong with that !
Maybe subconsciously your body is telling you to conceive before DH gets the snip and it’s too late x

So you are in effect trying to conceive a baby your husband says he doesn’t want?

Er, no. He is trying to conceive a baby he allegedly doesnt want.

OP sit him down and ask him what he's planning to do if you get pregnant.

This is partly why women end up so put upon and doing all the wife work - other women telling the OP it's her responsibility to do all the thinking and managing for her husband, even though he's a fully functioning adult.
I'm another one wondering why the OP has to deprive herself of sex because of choices her husband is making!

"The thing is I do want a baby"

So does he otherwise he wouldn't be prepared to take that risk.

@Ducksurprise no the partner is being just as irresponsible. But someone needs to take responsibility for this baby that could very much so be brought into this situation.

It is irresponsible for the lartner to not use contraception when he doesnt want a child

As equally as it is irresponsible for op to presume her dp will just suddenly do a 180 and be happy when the child arrives

Both need to come to an understanding and agreement before this happens. Its playing with fire otherwise and op puts herself in a risky and vunerable position where she could end up pregnant and alone all because she was chancing on her partner to come around.

There are so many threads with the same narrative on here. Its just not worth it.

Honestly OP just tell him unless he does something about it you’re going to have another baby. End of.

You've talked to him about it. He knows and he's done nothing so crack on.

You'll be announcing your pregnancy soon and you can organise his snip during the last trimester.

This is a bit ridiculous, you should be having an adult conversation about something so important but admit it, you don't want him to decide for definite against another child following such a convo. So crack on and keep acting like a pair of wallies till you get your baby.

Honestly I'm going to have to stop reading MN (after a million years) because the level of comprehension has fallen so far & the calls of rape (for oerfectly normal stuff couples do/say) is ridiculous. OP's having to continually repeat things they've posted because others are going off on a daft tangent... it's become entirely bonkers!!

@UKorNZdilemma isn't it just? I've lost count of the amount of threads I've been on where people either haven't bothered to read OPs posts (repeatedly!), or go off on some weird tangent. And I agree the calls of 'rape' at the slightest thing are becoming a problem. I'm quite surprised the word 'gaslighting' hasn't popped up yet because it's used out of context multiple times a day on MN these days

Mine did the same, baby due in August 🤣

At the start of sex say, don't forget the condom once, then don't mention it again. Then he can't blame you for not reminding him when you get pregnant. Then stop stressing over it and start buying new baby clothes. He sounds such an arse.

@KurtWilde @UKorNZdilemma Yes, I did wonder if the rape comment was satire tbh!

By the sound of it you will have another baby at some point.

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity Yes, you're right, I'll admit it - I don't want him to decide for definite against another child.

Because I do want to have another child with him. (DH knows this as well, though apologies if I've not been clear about this in the OP or elsewhere in the thread.)