DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

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DH has occasionally moaned at me for not reminding him about something (not in the same context, I just mean general life admin) and I calmly remind him that I'm neither his mother nor his assistant. I think the same applies here, honestly.

I mean, you could go old school and get a diaphragm or some other non-hormonal, non-surgical option if you wanted to but you've told him repeatedly where you stand on this matter. If he relies on "I'm sure it will be fine", more fool him.

I know a man who took the "I'm sure it will be fine" attitude towards missing the deadline on his visa paperwork and then complained bitterly when he was deported back to the USA. I held the same amount of sympathy for him as I do your husband!

@coracrawley1
Hes a grown ass man he can sort protection out for himself, some people amaze me your being on fair no your not you should not have to remind him to protect pregnancy if that's what he wants. I say don't mention it to him again if he can't remember then why should you.

Your his wife not his mother, some men get off there ma's tits straight on to another tit and hope to be babied forgetting they are responsible for their own actions.

I don’t understand why some men won’t use condoms to prevent a baby they don’t want. I think this really highlights how irresponsible some men are. Babies/children are a life-time responsibility.

It looks like he's going g to have another baby then. I hope he isn't going to be a dick about it.

With my ex -bloody good withdrawal worked-

We made a mutual decision to come contraception (I had a fairly bad side effect, he read the sign effects and got freaked out/offered to take responsibility). We were planning on trying the next year.

We discussed what would happen if I fell pregnant and we both agreed that we would happily accept the consequences but definitely wanted to wait at least another year.

He last a couple of months wearing condoms, went to wearing condoms half way thru and then that turned into withdrawal.

Somehow I ended getting really broody a couple of months in and there’s no way I would have allowed him near me without a condom but he knew this.

Then that turned into gradually using natural planning. He did the research, it was his responsibility and not once did he make a mistake. He did not want us to fall pregnant in that year as he had plans/goals that would have had to be forgotten if we had fallen pregnant. Me, on the other hand, cried with a negative test as (apart from the obviously non compatible DP) was ready.

If you’ve spelled it out to him which I’m sure you have. He knows he’s taking the burden as it’s his decision and you’ll be overjoyed with a baby he’s either got his head very far down in the sand or he knows it’s not the end of the world for you to fall pregnant.

And PP the DH is giving informed consent. Not only would the woman to be stupid if the rules were reversed but it wouldn’t be consent as the women would be only consenting to sex if the man was wearing a condom/withdrawal (but, again, bloody stupid!)

I think I’d have a final conversation with him. Spell out you are happy to have another child. You aren’t on contraception. Contraception is up to him. You won’t be reminding him going forwards. Then crack on.
I’d start taking pre natal vitamins - if he queries it say well we are having unprotected sex.
You know him. He sounds like he’d be on board with number 2.

It looks like he's going g to have another baby then. I hope he isn't going to be a dick about it.

And hopefully after that baby is born he will decide that he definitely doesn't want a third and will get off his arse and do something about it.

We're in a similar predicament except neither us want a baby. So we just pretty much aren't having sex until DH gets his vasectomy. He's on a waiting list but it's taking forever. We both hate condoms, I'm allergic to copper, and I can't take hormonal contraception! I'm considering a diaphragm.

He's being an absolute arse but I do find the idea of having a baby with someone that has said they don't want one due to their own stupidity and negligence being your best case scenario a bit weird?? Surely whether you do or don't end up accidently getting pregnant that's not going to make him want it any more? Are you hoping he'll just change his mind when the baby comes?

If you want a baby I'd just crack on. He's a fully informed adult, knows how reproduction works. The main question is though whether you want a child who has half his genes? I mean, he sounds a bit, for want of a kinder word, stupid...

My 3mo old was conceived in similar circumstances, although DH wasn't against having another in the future we weren't actively trying and the timing could have been better but it was by no means a bad thing.

So yes I can testify that the 'pull out method' will likely result in a baby eventually

The main question is though whether you want a child who has half his genes? I mean, he sounds a bit, for want of a kinder word, stupid...

Considering they already have one child together, this comment is just silly. Maybe if you read the OP properly...

He sounds a bit lazy and laid back leaving you to organise things. If you want another baby then just carry on having sex with him. Do you think if you got pregnant again he would just accept it if he is laid back?

Selfish prick. He needs to take total responsibilty for not impregnating you if he doesn't want a child.
I could not respect a man with such a massive sense of entitlement or coplete lack of respect for a woman's body.

I couldn't deal with the ambiguity and would have to talk about it until it was actually worked out. Sometimes this type of situation works out, but other times it doesn't, sometimes to a severe degree. My risk threshold is just not that high, whether yours is is up to you.

My spouse is a very relaxed, go with the flow sort of guy and it took him over a year to get from first GP appointment to the snip, then the months to do both testing, it was a long process and I can see why that and the risks are off putting, but I couldn't take not being clear for something with this much impact & my spouse and I agreed that we weren't up for those risks.

Yeah I'm not sure who some folks are married to that they'd worry their DH would walk away from a baby or demand an abortion

It's not who I'm married to, but who I grew up with and as. I am an unwanted second child with a parent who was very open about that, spoke often about the 'burdens' I had 'caused' and became violent towards me with those justifications (the other, I largely think didn't care). I was not the only one in a community that is largely anti-abortion & talks a lot about the importance of family values while a lot of shite goes on so none of the stories where it worked out could convince me that it was worth the risks with my experiences. I can see why those with no experience of that might measure those risks differently, but I don't think it's fair to think it say it's solely about who people are married to when there are a lot of cultural frameworks that can reframe the risks of this situation.

If you want another baby, then carry on! When you've had your second, turn down sex until he uses condoms.

@Ducksurprise nope, quite the opposite.
OP wants to conceive, her DH knows that, totally fine to carry on having unprotected sex. If he doesn't want a baby its his responsibility to sort out.

My point was more that if he has stated he doesn't want a baby, OP should consider the possibility that if she does get pregnant, he might leave. It happens a LOT, even if the other half doesn't expect it.

When you are having a conversation with him (again) on how the snip is his responsibility, I'd also make it clear that if you get pregnant, you will keep the baby and will not have an abortion.

From experience (exactely same situation), I had DH telling me after he got the snip that he assumed I would just have had an abortion - despite the fact he KNEW I wanted anotherr....

@RachHen

And why are you still having sex. He’s at the best a prat, worst disrespectful LTB etc

Only you know where he falls between the two

Because she wants another baby. He’s obviously not completely averse to the idea either or he’d be taking steps to prevent it.

It seems pretty clear that he DOES want another child. He just doesn't want to admit it for some reason. Maybe he feels that your family can't afford it, or it would be environmentally irresponsible or whatever.

This is not the behaviour of someone who doesn't want another child.

I agree with people who have said, have a conversation about it. Just one conversation in which you tell him that since you do want another baby, it's his choice whether to use contraception and you aren't going to nag him anymore about it.

I look forward to reading the announcement of your pregnancy soon

Tell him you will go with whatever he decides, another baby or not, but contraception is up to him - as he has said. If he really doesn't want another, then it's condom, no sex or the snip. If you become pg because he's not used a condom then he takes responsibility for the inevitably resulting baby.

Be very clear.

Then relax.

How are you going to feel if he goes for he vasectomy OP?

Sort of sounds like you're annoyed at him for not making it his responsibility to stop a baby but if he did and had a vasectomy that would really upset you? Like you don't actually want him to take responsibility?

Just sounds like you want him to do nothing and also want a get out of jail free card if you fall pregnant - "well I told you to get a vasectomy"

When in fact if he did get one you'd be devastated.

There a bigger problems here between you two that need discussing. Be prepared for it to not all be sunshine and roses like you're imagining if he genuinely does not want another child!

@WhatEvenHappened44

Just sounds like you want him to do nothing and also want a get out of jail free card if you fall pregnant - "well I told you to get a vasectomy"

When in fact if he did get one you'd be devastated.

There a bigger problems here between you two that need discussing. Be prepared for it to not all be sunshine and roses like you're imagining if he genuinely does not want another child!

Well exactly. And I say that having been in this situation- it's very stupid and you can't predict how the man will react to the child when it's born.

Those saying 'he must want it if he refuses to wear one'... um no, men forgo condoms and impregnate women all the time.

True, he's not preventing it, but it's the child who (may) be affected in the end, even if you did nothing 'wrong'

Lol at “he goes with the flow” 😳😳😳