DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

---

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

There you go then - you've done your bit IMO.

I'd stop reminding him and just let things play out. You've made your feelings clear, you aren't deceiving him in any way and you know he will love any baby that results. If he was the type to resent a child that he took no steps to prevent, then would you really want him as a husband anyway?

Too many times have i read these type of threads on mns and im sorry but if this was a reverse and a man wanted a baby but the woman didnt but they were having unprotected set and his mentality was

' i dont mind her getting pregnant even though she clearly doesnt want to'

There would be a huge uproar.

Yes we get it op, you want a baby.

But you SHOULDNT want a baby with a partner who doesnt. This is so backwards and not fair to you, him or the baby.

It is not enough that you are on board. You both should be. And until the two of you are on the same page NO one should be okay bringing a baby into the mix.

Also you should not assume he will be fine and "get over" himself once the baby comes. Too many times women think that and then end up on here because the men end up resentful or leaving. You cant possibly know how he is going to feel if you get pregnant unless you have a crystal ball. So stop playing with fire and have a mature conversation before a baby is in the pictjre and emotions are heightened

@Lemis there wouldn't be uproar. If a woman doesn't want a baby she needs to prevent that happening

You've been very clear with him what your position is and that you actively want a baby. He has taken no action when he knows full well that the ball is in his court and what the end result could well be.

I'd just carry on as you are. No need for any more ridiculous and pointless "chats" that people on here are so fond of suggesting as you have hardly kept him in the dark and there is no reason why you should organise his vasectomy for him.

As for the pp saying "rapey" upthread - utter bollocks. It is consensual sex. They need to perhaps look up the meaning of the word.

If the OP was a man, I'd still be telling him that the one who doesn't want a baby is the one who should ultimately take care of contraception! A woman who didn't want kids would be all over this anyway because she is the one who gets pregnant.

The OP is in NO way being unfair to her husband - he knows where she stands and it's not her job to think for him!

@girlmom21 there would be an uproar if a guy knew his partner didnt want a baby but clearly not respecting that, taking it seriously and putting his OWN wants over hers.

If his attitude was well i want a baby so i wl happily impregnate her i think you find people on her would be telling him off.

It should be no different for a woman

@Onlyforcake

There's no way I'd have a baby with someone who didn't want one. He'll just bail.

Yeah, this.

He is a good guy, just generally with anything needing done I need to organise it / push it / go on about it for a bit, he tends to just go with the flow!

So he isn't a good guy, he is a child expecting you to organise his life for him. I mean seriously - what kind of adult expects the woman in his life to organise his vasectomy?

You need to be very clear that any unplanned pregnancy will be kept but honestly I struggle with men who want their wives to double up as their mothers.

I absolutely agree its his responsibility, but as some self responsibility who would want a child with a man who doesn't, ew.

Has he said WHY he doesn't want another baby?
Maybe he's just playing the odds here - thinking that "oh well, if we're meant to have another, then @coracrawley1 will get pg and then we'll have another; but if we're NOT meant to, then it won't happen and I don't have to worry about it"

Thing is that this will be the game plan for the rest of your fertile years - which could be a looong time - and there comes a point when you might decide that it's too big a gap between kids to have another one!

So ideally I'd have Yet Another Conversation to find out why he's against a second child (if he hasn't already made it clear) and then have a conversation about a timeline, because you can't be flying by the seat of your pants for the next 20 years (or however long your fertility is likely to last)!

[quote Lemis]**@girlmom21* there would be an uproar if a guy knew his partner didnt want a baby* but clearly not respecting that, taking it seriously and putting his OWN wants over hers.

If his attitude was well i want a baby so i wl happily impregnate her i think you find people on her would be telling him off.

It should be no different for a woman[/quote]
@Lemis You're analogy makes no sense.

If a woman didn't want a baby, she would use contraception.
If a man didn't want a baby, he would use contraception.

In your scenario, if the woman didn't want a baby, she should use contraception. Just as in this case.

@Lemis there wouldn't be an uproar. There would be people saying exactly the same thing as they are here. If a woman doesn't want a baby it's on her to prevent it. And the opposite is also true.

Lemis, he's not respecting his own position on this. A woman who didn't want to get pg but who was equally unwilling to do anything to prevent us would be called utterly stupid on here.
Important to remember that no one is forcing anyone to have unprotected sex here and no one is lying about contraception either!

I agree with not reminding him anymore, give him one last warning and then leave it up to him. He knows un protected sex with a broody partner is going to result in a baby, it's up to him of he wants to stop that happening. Good luck OP

[quote Lemis]**@girlmom21* there would be an uproar if a guy knew his partner didnt want a baby* but clearly not respecting that, taking it seriously and putting his OWN wants over hers.

If his attitude was well i want a baby so i wl happily impregnate her i think you find people on her would be telling him off.

It should be no different for a woman[/quote]
What a load of bollocks.

Man 'I'd like another baby but my wife doesn't. She says she is going to go on the pill/coil but hasn't made an appointment. She instigates sex and I stop to say let me put on a condom but she doesn't want me to stop so we carry on.'

I wouldn’t want to get into having a baby he doesn’t want.

I wouldn’t have sex with him unless and until he sorts it.

My point still stands that no one should be bringing a baby into this mix until both parents are on the same wanting page as each other.

And the op should not assume her partners future feelings for him.

There is no guarantee he will be happy about ir nor accept it. Especially when he has made it clear that he doesnt want another child. Its very blaze and irresponsible of the op to just think he will come around and in that sense she isnt taking her partners feelings seriously.

hmm it's tricky. He should be sorting contraception now but he should also be thinking and chatting properly with you as to why he doesn't want another baby. Not just, he doesn't want another baby and that's that, done deal!

I also wouldn't fall pregnant accidentally and expect things to miraculously work out and no resentment on his side. That needs sorting ASAP.

I recall a few years ago I was approx 41/42 and seeing a boyfriend (had then been 4 months) - things were going really well and he said he loved me at the 3 month stage (maybe too soon but I don't think it was lovebombing).

He knew I potentially wanted kids but he had a teenager from a previous relationship and he'd also been adopted as a baby and was a bit messed up over that. He actually went along with it with me, encouraged us to try etc. Then suddenly he said no, one reason was his ex had left a lot of the "fathering" to him, shopping with baby in buggy by himself etc - probably just doing his share. But he also recalled how his son as a toddler/baby cried a lot, sleepless nights for him and he didn't want to go back there. We ended not long after that, not for this reason though.

FFW a few years, he's now married to a woman who has twin girls under 10, one of whom is seriously ill and needs regular hospital treatment and she also has a young son from another relationship. He has a very good job so is the breadwinner and his teenager is now an adult and at uni/first job. Kind of ironic that he's taken this on - the girls were approx 5-6 when he met their mum.

Its very blaze and irresponsible fuck me, always the woman's fault. The only person here being irresponsible is really DH.

The "rapey" comment upthread refers to the fact that if a man and a woman agree to have consensual sex with a condom, but he doesn't use one or secretly takes it off, exposing her to the risk of STD or unwanted pregnancy, it is considered rape.

It's obviously completely not relevant to OP's situation, however.

He knows how babies are made, right? I'd stop reminding him. You want a baby. He wants to have sex without protection. He can hardly blame you if that happens., If he is absolutely certain no more children, he needs to get a vasectomy.

If he is having unprotected sex, he can’t be too bothered about having a new baby.

[quote Lemis]**@girlmom21* there would be an uproar if a guy knew his partner didnt want a baby* but clearly not respecting that, taking it seriously and putting his OWN wants over hers.

If his attitude was well i want a baby so i wl happily impregnate her i think you find people on her would be telling him off.

It should be no different for a woman[/quote]
Oh ok, so you're talking about a man who won't allow his wife to use contraception and repeatedly rapes her because he wants a baby? Not really the same, is it....

@coracrawley1

Honestly I'm going to have to stop reading MN (after a million years) because the level of comprehension has fallen so far & the calls of rape (for oerfectly normal stuff couples do/say) is ridiculous. OP's having to continually repeat things they've posted because others are going off on a daft tangent... it's become entirely bonkers!!

I think your DH is probably trying to avoid the pressure to conceive or something like that.

He's an adult, he knows how babies are made & how to prevent them being made but is choosing not to prevent the possibility, when he knows you want a baby. He's making the choice to keave it up to nature. It's a shame really as it's making you unsettled and neither of you are getting to enjoy the feelings that you could be

The sensible thing is to have another conversation about 'why' he doesn't want another one, but in your situation, with your DH, I'd just be upping my chances of getting pregnant!!