DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

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Leave a pregnancy test box around and see how he reacts

@WhatEvenHappened44

I'm not annoyed at him at all... I'm just asking if I'd be unreasonable really to not continue to remind him / take on the mental load of ensuring we use condoms, when I actually don't care if we use them or not because I'd be happy if I did get pregnant. (Particularly given he's not really keen to use them and ignores me half the time anyway! 😂🤷‍♀️)

I would 100% be sad if he did come home tomorrow and tell me he's made an appointment for a vasectomy. But I'd understand it, and if he 100% is done to the point he's going to go and do that then I'd deal with it. I just find it bizarre that he's saying he's definitely done with kids and then not taking the associated precautions or leaving it to me to remind him I guess.

I would just carry on as is, if I were you. He is a big boy - if he doesn't want another baby he knows what to do.

Sounds like you have 2 kids already

@IwishICouldTurnBackTime

I would just keep quiet and let him carry on with the withdrawal method, as sometime it's going to fail, or he'll be so wrapped up in orgasm, he will forget, you will fall pregnant, but it will be totally down to him.

Once you've had another baby he will probably go for the vasectomy!

Exactly what happened with me, but after my second!

Wow

@RachHen

Unless you want a baby I’d use some contraception yourself

That's what I thought. You can have a diaphragm.

@dworky

Selfish prick. He needs to take total responsibilty for not impregnating you if he doesn't want a child. I could not respect a man with such a massive sense of entitlement or coplete lack of respect for a woman's body.

@dworky

Please do explain in what way you think he's disrespecting her body???

You'll have a baby. He'll hold it against you forever. Use it against you in every argument. Make it an excuse for you to do all the Wifework.
You will split, he'll not pay maintenance and you and the DC's will be left in poverty.

Find someone else to have dc2 with.

@felulageller

You'll have a baby. He'll hold it against you forever. Use it against you in every argument. Make it an excuse for you to do all the Wifework. You will split, he'll not pay maintenance and you and the DC's will be left in poverty.

Find someone else to have dc2 with.

Sorry, but this is really ridiculous!

What's your AIBU? You even describe this as 'playing with fire' in your first post. What part is playing with fire if you know it'll all work out fine?

No more sex with him until he gets the snip.

His behaviour is creepy, controlling, and downright unacceptable.

If you get pregnant would he want you to terminate? Or blame you and hold it against you? Not sure I could be with a man who is so irresponsible and selfish.

I don’t want to take hormonal contraception or have a coil (torture device), so DH and I use condoms. We will continue to do so until ready to have another baby- then DH and I would have the snip. No way would I have sex with a man pretending to forget to put on a condom.

Sorry, did you say he ignores you half the time anyway?

Do you mean you ask him to use a condom and he ignores that request?

Pretty much sure that’s classed as rape.

@coracrawley1

But its not ridiculous. Its alot of womens reality on here and im sure at one point they all thought the same as you.

What is ridiculous is to carry on this set uo knowing you are "playing with fire". Stop ignoring and brushing of peoples advice. It comes from a place of experience. Try taking it on board and not allowing yourself to potentially enter be in a vunerable postion in the future.

Pretty much sure that’s classed as rape.

No, it's not.

[quote Lemis]@coracrawley1

But its not ridiculous. Its alot of womens reality on here and im sure at one point they all thought the same as you.

What is ridiculous is to carry on this set uo knowing you are "playing with fire". Stop ignoring and brushing of peoples advice. It comes from a place of experience. Try taking it on board and not allowing yourself to potentially enter be in a vunerable postion in the future.[/quote]
"He'll not pay maintenance and you and the DC will end up in poverty" is ridiculous.

I'm not brushing off real advice.

But I know my husband, and regardless, I have a good career and so it is ridiculous to state that me and my DS / any future DC will end up in poverty when we definitely split 🤷‍♀️

@VestaTilley

Sorry, did you say he ignores you half the time anyway?

Do you mean you ask him to use a condom and he ignores that request?

Pretty much sure that’s classed as rape.

@VestaTilley

He knows I consent to having sex with him without a condom - I'd be happy to have another baby with him.

I REMIND him that HE wants to wear a condom, because he doesn't want anymore DC. He sometimes shrugs this off in the heat of the moment.

Definitely not tape in this context.

Are you talking about a husband or a son? Why do you mother him? You want a kid he doesn’t, you had your go at contraception, he hasn’t. I wanted four kids but when I had my second my husband booked a vasectomy. He didn’twant any more kids nor wanted to put me under poisonous hormonal treatments that had me very poorly for years. We obviously had a discussion and agreed to it though. Your husband iOS an adult and can take responsibility of what he does. Do your thing and stop mothering him you’re answering yourself in your own message

@nuttybranhare

What's your AIBU? You even describe this as 'playing with fire' in your first post. What part is playing with fire if you know it'll all work out fine?

@nuttybranhare

My AIBU was whether or not I am unreasonable to continue to have consensual unprotected sex with my husband, but without holding back or trying to remind him every time that he should really put a condom on before things go too far, as I do currently? Knowing he says he doesn't want anymore DC.

Because, despite him saying he doesn't want anymore DC, I'd be happy if I ended up 'accidentally' pregnant again - so I don't actually care about using contraception. He knows this.

I'm not saying I know it'll all work out fine at all? But I know that my husband is not going to leave me over any future baby that he has knowingly conceived (without deception or trickery), or try to pressure me into an abortion, or abandon his DC. He's a bit lazy with life admin and he doesn't like condoms, but that doesn't make him a bad guy.

Particularly given he's not really keen to use them and ignores me half the time anyway! 😂🤷‍♀️)
This is really strange behaviour though. Are you sure he’s nice? If my husband routinely ignored me about something quite important I wouldn’t be amused, is it only on this topic that he ignores you?

Carry on regardless OP. He knows the score. YABU.

Are you absolutely sure that he really means it when he says he doesn't want another baby?

My DH was pretty much the same with "forgetting" to put a condom on in the heat of the moment... Then I fell pregnant. He was over the moon.

Now that we've had our babies he's decided that he really doesn't want anymore children, and never forgets the condom... Because this time he actually means it.

Just a thought... Obviously not suggesting that you gamble with this one, but more just that it might be worth asking him to do some soul searching and think about what he really wants.

If he's actually serious about no more babies and is still choosing not to use contraception then, I'm sorry, but he's a fucking idiot and I wouldn't find it funny in the slightest.

So you're asking if it's OK to not remind your husband of something that he's said he doesn't want - something which is totally his responsibility and not yours, but he keeps behaving as if he suddenly changed his mind and does want it. And is it OK for you to stop pointing out that he's supposed to be minding and is he sure? I think you're fine .

It's rather like when I say I really need to stop eating so much junk and then my DH finds me scoffing my face. Yes it doesn't marry up with what I told him earlier but I don't need him checking whether I really want to be doing this. I'm perfectly aware of the consequences, I've just decided to screw them!

I like the text message idea though. I'd go with "Just to forewarn you, I've decided to stop reminding you about condoms as
I don't want to be worrying about whether you really do or don't want one in the heat of the moment! Wear one or don't wear one, I don't mind, but no more reminders from me from now on!"

@MarmiteyCrumpets

A: condom B: vasectomy C: baby

He needs to choose one. His responsibility, not yours.

^ You’ll be pregnant otherwise! and posting that he wants to leave you because your pregnant!

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

You are both in the wrong. You need to have a proper discussion with him about contraception. It's not his responsibility, or yours to remind him - it is a joint responsibility to be taken seriously by both of you, regardless of who wants a baby and who doesn't. Marriage is about teamwork.

Would you consider a copper coil? I'd consider putting one in until you both decide if you want him to have something as drastic as a vasectomy.

Totally fine. Carry on. Good luck