DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

[coracrawley1]

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

---

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

you should be honest with him that you want one

relying on your dh's apathy in the moment is manipulative of you

Knowing that you want more part of me is thinking perhaps he’s putting off the decision to get a vasectomy so that you do have more? Maybe ask him if he’s just not actively wanting to try at the moment but is ‘letting god’ make the decision on it? It sounds like he knows and you’re reminding him and he’s making a decision. Carry on as you are OP, he knows that he need a condom or a vasectomy, but if he’s happy with the risks in pulling out and you’re happy to get pregnant then it’s okay to do that too.

@Lubeyboobyalt

you should be honest with him that you want one

relying on your dh's apathy in the moment is manipulative of you

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes OP have MANIPULATIVE of you to rely on your grown ass husband's common sense whilst you're rendering him completely useless with your evil temptress ways.

Don't you know men are incapable of thinking for themselves when a woman bats her eyes at him?

@Lubeyboobyalt I have been honest with him that I want one, he knows that? And yet I'm still the one reminding him to put a condom on, because I know he doesn't want one... despite us having multiple conversations about contraception now being his responsibility.

Is it manipulative to follow his lead sex wise and just stop reminding him about condoms, when he doesn't wear them half the time anyway despite the reminders? I haven't been going out of my way to seduce him or make him forget the condoms or anything! So not sure manipulative is fair.

@ChippyChipsTh0 This made me laugh 😂

@RachHen

Unless you want a baby I’d use some contraception yourself

@RachHen Did you not read the OP's post? She states very clearly - twice - in that post that she wants another child.

08:04thedancingbear

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s

This sound pretty rapey tbh

What???? 'Rapey'??? Are you for real??? Jesus Christ.

OP I would just tell him "I'm not reminding you about a condom anymore. If you won't arrange the snip and won't wear a condom, I take that to mean you wouldn't mind us having another child." And then leave it at that. Do not remind him again about the condom. It's not your responsibility.

loving the word berk. I'm going to slot that into my day.
Just be aware that it's rhyming slang, short for "Berkeley hunt", and you may offend someone more than you intend to.

On the topic at hand: loads of people play this mind game with themselves, making that they don't want to make babies but doing everything possible to make babies. Congratulations in advance on your next pregnancy, OP.

He openly says I've managed contraception up until now and put my body through a lot with pregnancy and childbirth, so happily accepts that the responsibility of contraception is now his.

But there is a contradiction between what he says - "accepts that the responsibility of contraception is now his" - and what he does - which is nothing. And there is a contradiction between what he he says he wants - no baby - and what he is doing about it - withdrawal which is likely to fail. So he is not actually taking responsibility for himself or his own wishes at all. He's hiding from responsibility.

So you would be very wise to double check that he will also take responsibility for contraceptive failure.

He might be secretly wanting a "happy accident" but telling you that he doesn't want a baby makes it sound like an unhappy accident and that's not fair on you or the baby either. He should be honest about what he really feels and what he's prepared to do about it.

My 21 year old is testament to the fact that the withdrawal method isn't foolproof. He was born when his older brothers were 12 and 10. My DH was as lazy as yours about using contraception at the time - and if asked, would definitely have said he didn't want another child. Having said that, he was excited when he discovered he was going to be a Dad again and our youngest has always been very much loved and wanted, even if he was initially unplanned.
I suspect your DH is happy to leave it to chance so I would just leave the ball in his court and stop reminding him.

Can we pleaseeeeeeeee stop making things like this solely a woman's responsibility and excusing men with things like "oh but they are in the heat of the moment". Fucking hell, no wonder men get away with some awful stuff.

Would you agree that a cheating husband had been manipulated by the OW? Poor menz have no control over themselves when it comes to sex.

He's an ADULT. He's even had a kid already which I assume he doesn't think was conceived like the virgin Mary. He knows how babies are men. He probably pays bills and has a job and everything. He is capable of putting a condom on, yes even "in the moment", if he doesn't want another. Hell I'd even go so far as to say he's capable of picking up the phone and booking a vasectomy if he wants that.

Stop placing the onus on women. He is a big boy. If he doesn't know this, he has no place having sex at all!

Babies are made*

If he doesn’t want a baby or a condom, his choice is simple: no sex.

Hmm.
While I can completely understand your pov I'm not sure ide be comfortable having unprotected sex knowing my partner didnr want a baby.
If I was you I would sit him down and explain what you've said here. You need to know if hes actively not trying and if hes not then HE needs to decide what is the best method for him.

@bridgetreilly Shockingly, he's not particularly keen on that option... though to be fair neither am I!

I think you need to be honest with yourself about wanting more children or not, and I don’t think you are really
What if your H does get the snip organised ? Would you ever regret not having more kids ?

We were in a similar situation. I told dh that I didn't mind if I got pregnant again, in fact I would be quite happy with that and that i wouldn't be using contraception. If he wanted to prevent a potential child being conceived then I was happy with this but it was his responsibility.
We were in the position of being in the first trimester of being pregnant with dd so didn't have to worry about condoms for a while.
Dh booked himself in for a vasectomy when she was a few months old.

I wouldn't have been reminding him otherwise. His choice to decide how to prevent pregnancy or not.

@timeisnotaline

I would just text him so I could point to it in writing. Hi honey, just wanted this in writing that we agreed you are responsible for contraception since I realised the hormonal types don’t agree with me physically. If you’re not bothering and we have a baby I will absolutely not consider anything other than keeping it and loving it, which you know. Balls in your court.

Love this!

Don't 'text'. Have a normal bloody face to face conversation! What is with this thing that people text instead of actually communicating face to face?

@Lubeyboobyalt

you should be honest with him that you want one

relying on your dh's apathy in the moment is manipulative of you

Have you read the thread? OP's DH KNOWS she wants one.

And what's all this rapey bullshit upthread?

@Bigassbeebuzzbuzz

Hmm. While I can completely understand your pov I'm not sure ide be comfortable having unprotected sex knowing my partner didnr want a baby. If I was you I would sit him down and explain what you've said here. You need to know if hes actively not trying and if hes not then HE needs to decide what is the best method for him.

So do you think OPs DH isn't capable of understanding that by choosing not to wear a condom he might become a father.

I would just tell him "I'm not reminding you about a condom anymore. If you won't arrange the snip and won't wear a condom, I take that to mean you wouldn't mind us having another child." And then leave it at that.

This is what I said to exh. It's also how DD2 came about.

I'd make it clear I'm perfectly happy to have another baby and won't terminate it I get pregnant. Then it's on him.

I'd make it clear I'm perfectly happy to have another baby and wont terminate if I get pregnant.

@girlmom21 He already knows both of these are 100% fact.