Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a baby, or to use a condom...

217 replies

coracrawley1 · 08/02/2022 06:46

My DH and I have one child.

He loves being a dad, but says he is done, and doesn't want anymore. He talks openly about getting the snip and contraception being his responsibility now, though hasn't done anything about it. I'm sure he would get it if I looked into it, arranged appointments, essentially nagged him into actually doing it and organised it all - however, I would like us to have another child if possible, so I selfishly haven't pressed this at all, and am just letting him happily procrastinate!

I stopped taking the pill about a year before conceiving our DS, and in that time realised the effect it had been having on my body... skin, sex drive, moods, etc. I spoke to DH openly about it when our DS was born and said I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception, so he knows I am not taking anything and am essentially leaving it up to him to deal with.

DH also detests condoms, and in the heat of the moment, despite me reminding him, will regularly hold off on putting one on... he seems to think pulling out is good enough, despite being well into his 30s 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

I've been pretty clear that I'd be happy if we conceived again accidentally, and I'm sick of being the one reminding him about condoms when he's the one who is necessitating them!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
Krakenchorus · 09/02/2022 04:15

Yanbu to have consensual sex with your dh without reminding him to use a condom. You don't need to remind him to pull out, either. Stop reminding him and enjoy sex. If there is another baby, you will be happy. He knows that. You have no moral, ethical or any other reason to take responsibility for his contraception needs. He knows the score already.

EllaVaNight · 09/02/2022 05:05

This sound pretty rapey tbh @thedancingbear did you think about your post for even for a split second? Hugely offensive to the op, her partner and those of us who are sa survivors. Disgusting comment.

expat101 · 09/02/2022 05:26

Either have a talk away from the bedroom (or where ever is your fancy) or just stop mentioning putting the condom on and enjoy the moment together.

You seem to have something very special going on together. I'm really sure he knows the consequences, he is just ''saying''...

TheApexOfMyLife · 09/02/2022 09:46

@LivingTheLifeofMum

AIBU to feel like, if DH is definitely done with kids, it's up to him to remember to, (and actually wear!) a condom, or organise his own vasectomy? And AIBU to keep having sex with him knowing we are essentially playing with fire and may very well conceive accidentally? He obviously knows this as much as me.

You are both in the wrong. You need to have a proper discussion with him about contraception. It's not his responsibility, or yours to remind him - it is a joint responsibility to be taken seriously by both of you, regardless of who wants a baby and who doesn't. Marriage is about teamwork.

Would you consider a copper coil? I'd consider putting one in until you both decide if you want him to have something as drastic as a vasectomy.

Why is it not ok for the Op to opt out from being responsible for contraception WHEN SHE WANTS ANOTHER CHILD. Why does she need to go and get a coil or whatever when she doesn’t want contraception because of the effect on her body? I’m staggered that some women still seem to think it’s ok for us to struggle so we dont inconvenience the poor men.

And she doesn’t need to sit down and have a conversation with her DH because SHE ALREADY HAS HAD THAT CONVERSATION.
She has been very clear

  • she wants another child
  • she isn’t using any contraception so that responsibility is now is HIS camp.
  • she will not have an abortion if she gets pregnant
  • he knows and has talked about getting the snip but basically is waiting for her to organise it/can’t be bothered etc.. and feels the pulling it method is safe enough Hmm
It’s not the OP’s fault he is acting stupid and is procrastinating like hell.
TheApexOfMyLife · 09/02/2022 09:49

And btw for teamwork to actually work, BOTH parties need to actually make an effort.
The OP a has made that effort for years by taking in the responsibility of contraception. She cannot continue because of the side effects of said medication. The only other choice is for HIM to do something. Which he is not.

Teamwork is NOT he OP having a conversation again with her DH, cajoling him into getting the snip, organising it etc…
That’s the DH giving up any responsibility and being treated like a child (that, Tbf, he is)

millymolls · 09/02/2022 10:19

I haven’t read all the thread but I’d be deeply unhappy if my husband had a vasectomy knowing I wanted another child
I know on here it’s all his body his choice and ultimately that’s the case but in a loving marriage you should be able to sit and discuss and agree these not just decide unilaterally
I’d be really upset tbh
In the meantime I would not be organising it or reminding him at all

Original poster
coracrawley1 · 09/02/2022 10:26

@timeisnotaline

Particularly given he's not really keen to use them and ignores me half the time anyway! 😂🤷‍♀️) This is really strange behaviour though. Are you sure he’s nice? If my husband routinely ignored me about something quite important I wouldn’t be amused, is it only on this topic that he ignores you?
@timeisnotaline Yes, I'm sure he's nice.

He knows I don't care about the condoms, and would in fact prefer without. So I remind him that HE probably wants to wear one, and sometimes he ignores the reminder. I don't mean he pretends I haven't said anything... but will maybe say, yes you're right, or yeah I know, but not actually then stop to put one on.

He doesn't ignore me on other things, no.

OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 09/02/2022 10:42

I would say, contact the GP or whoever and find out what the procedure is for getting the snip. What's the waiting time? Will you/can you go private? How long in advance can you book? Can you book 18 months ahead?

Then work out the finances for baby #2. How long will you be off on mat leave etc.

Then sit him down and say,
"I want another baby and will probably have one. I have/will book your vasectomy for 18 months' time on the assumption that I will be at least 20 weeks pregnant by then. We can afford #2, I have worked it out. Here are the details of the doctor in case you want to bring forward the op.
But it really isn't on to say one thing - that you don't want #2 - and do another - have unprotected sex. You are a father now and have to start being the best person you can be, to set a good example. Not - and I love you dear BUT - someone childish who sticks their head in the sand."

Then tell him you love him and want to have just one more of his babies, who will no doubt be as lovely as their father "...and will call you Daddy".

Hopefully you can get him to say, "OK let's just let nature take its course and welcome #2 if that happens" but it gives him a crystal clear Last Chance to decide to stick at one.

girlmom21 · 09/02/2022 11:32

@whenwilliwillibefamous why does she need to do the research/book the OP/talk about nonsense like a child calling them daddy Hmm

A GP wouldn't let a woman book a vasectomy for a man anyway as it's completely his decision.

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 11:39

@whenwilliwillibefamous Why on Earth do you think she'll be able to book an appointment for another adult? I can't even do it for my teen without them telling the GP it's ok for me to do so.

Not to mention all that other stuff Confused

whenwilliwillibefamous · 09/02/2022 12:30

I imagine she can do all the prep work and then put him on the phone ;)

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 12:52

@whenwilliwillibefamous

I imagine she can do all the prep work and then put him on the phone ;)
But why does she have to do it? If he really wanted to do it, he'd not only do it himself he'd have done it already.
MiddleParking · 09/02/2022 18:08

@whenwilliwillibefamous

I would say, contact the GP or whoever and find out what the procedure is for getting the snip. What's the waiting time? Will you/can you go private? How long in advance can you book? Can you book 18 months ahead?

Then work out the finances for baby #2. How long will you be off on mat leave etc.

Then sit him down and say,
"I want another baby and will probably have one. I have/will book your vasectomy for 18 months' time on the assumption that I will be at least 20 weeks pregnant by then. We can afford #2, I have worked it out. Here are the details of the doctor in case you want to bring forward the op.
But it really isn't on to say one thing - that you don't want #2 - and do another - have unprotected sex. You are a father now and have to start being the best person you can be, to set a good example. Not - and I love you dear BUT - someone childish who sticks their head in the sand."

Then tell him you love him and want to have just one more of his babies, who will no doubt be as lovely as their father "...and will call you Daddy".

Hopefully you can get him to say, "OK let's just let nature take its course and welcome #2 if that happens" but it gives him a crystal clear Last Chance to decide to stick at one.

Barking.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2022 13:36

That's taking the mental load thing too far.
If the OP's husband wants a vasectomy/no more kids, then that's for HIM to sort out. If he CBA, then it's on HIM to make alternative contraceptive arrangements, as the OP still wants another child.
If he STILL CBA, then it's on HIM if the OP falls pregnant again.

I cannot fathom why the OP should make ANY effort to facilitate his utter slackness, especially when SHE wants another baby!!

Seemssounfair · 12/02/2022 13:53

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

That's taking the mental load thing too far. If the OP's husband wants a vasectomy/no more kids, then that's for HIM to sort out. If he CBA, then it's on HIM to make alternative contraceptive arrangements, as the OP still wants another child. If he STILL CBA, then it's on HIM if the OP falls pregnant again.

I cannot fathom why the OP should make ANY effort to facilitate his utter slackness, especially when SHE wants another baby!!

If BOTH people in marriage DO NOT agree to have a CHILD it is up to BOTH of them equally to sit down and TALK like ADULTS and sort it out.

BOTH the OP and her DH are as BAD as each other.

SHE should make an effort as I cannot fathom why ANYONE would want to bring a CHILD into this world with someone who says they don't want it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2022 15:58

Already suggested that.

Original poster
coracrawley1 · 16/02/2022 10:28

@Seemssounfair WHY do YOU keep RANDOMLY using CAPS? 😂

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page