How do I find out if someone has died?

[MissingThemDearly]

I know this isn’t the right section, I’m posting for traffic. PLEASE don’t move it, I am so desperate for help.

Realistically, how would I find out if someone is dead? I have a gut feeling they are. But I don’t know any information apart from their first name (which is common) and the city they live in (which is large). They were last seen on WhatsApp last month, which rules out that I’ve been blocked as it wouldn’t show that info if I had been, and their phone just goes straight to voicemail when trying to call. This is literally the only information that I have. I know it’s a big conclusion to jump to death but I have a gut feeling, and this is somebody that I was in contact with every four or five days without fail and now nothing for ages. I know the company they work for, but it’s a large supermarket chain and I don’t know which one or where it’s located.

This person is also Muslim. I add this because I don’t think funeral announcements are made locally and available, like other religions are, just in case anyone suggests that.

Is this a lost cause? Any advice or help would be appreciated, thank you in advance.

@mrsevangelina

So many people on this thread don't understand how WhatsApp works.

He has not been blocked because he can see when the person was last active on WhatsApp. You cannot see this info if you have been blocked.

The person is not just ghosting OP on WhatsApp, because he hasn't been on WhatsApp AT ALL to talk to anyone. If they were ghosting the OP then they would presumably still be talking to other people on WhatsApp, and the 'last active' date would update.

Thank you. I did say this very early on in the thread but people ignored/didn’t notice it

@MissingThemDearly

So you had sex a bit and he's not interested enough to keep in touch?

Course we don't know the situation, it's bloody Mumsnet. But if he wanted to stay in touch with you or even respected you enough to be considered a friend or partner, you'd know his surname, or his address etc. I think maybe this was more to you than to him.

Find someone who likes you enough to tell you their name.

Known the person for 9 years but don't know full name, sounds dodgy but OP seems to want it secretive.

You basically have no chance of finding them if the info you have given on here Is anything to go by.

Give it up, and move on

[quote Thatsjustwhatithink]@MissingThemDearly

So you had sex a bit and he's not interested enough to keep in touch?

Course we don't know the situation, it's bloody Mumsnet. But if he wanted to stay in touch with you or even respected you enough to be considered a friend or partner, you'd know his surname, or his address etc. I think maybe this was more to you than to him.

Find someone who likes you enough to tell you their name.[/quote]
Wtf? I never SAID any of that though. All I asked was “how do I find out if a person I know died” and you, and others, have made comments like how he obviously didn’t mean anything to me and didn’t respect me enough to be in a relationship, but I never SAID we were in a relationship…In fact, I’ve said multiple times in this thread and made clear we were not.

So you had sex a bit and he's not interested enough to keep in touch?

9 years is a considerably longer time than “a bit” except if you’re the Virgin Mary I would think

@SpittinKitten

I was seeing someone a few years ago who disappeared for a few weeks and then died without me knowing - I found out a couple of months later by asking everyone I met who might have known them, and then the police confirmed what I'd been told when I phoned them.

Before and after that, I never found anything about their death by googling/news reports/Facebook etc.

I hope that the person you're missing is safe and well even if they're not in contact.

I also hope you find peace if they don't get in touch; the limbo of not knowing what went on/where they were was awful. Best wishes to you OP.

Just saw this, thank your.

@CrapAtThis

OP I have no suggestions that haven’t already been mentioned.

But I just want to say I really feel for you, the not knowing is awful and only time will ease that a little. I’ve been through this a few times on a much much smaller scale and I know I’ll always be wondering what happened; without a final message or proof of something it simply won’t ever be finalised or ‘finished’ in my head.

I hope you find something out one way or the other. Failing that, I hope you are able to find the peace to accept that it’ll always be unfinished.

I also just read this, thank you as well ❤️

Is there a chance this was his 2nd phone or changed SIM cards?

I know he used Facebook marketplace because I saw him use it once and we had a conversation about it.

Op, do you remember the article he was selling/buying?
Maybe you can try and track from there if he was selling the article.

Me again. You have confirmed you had a secure relationship. Again I stand by my thinking if an arranged or quick marriage and he's ghosted you to avoid drama. He might worry about his family and new family finding out about his 'antics'

@MissingThemDearly

If you're sleeping with someone for 9 years and you don't know their surname or address you should be able to work out how much you mean to them. That definitely is painful, but at least you can move on.

You won't be able to find out if someone is safe/ghosting you/sleeping someone else if you don't know their full name. No police officer or organisation will give out any details because you'll look like a stalker.

I understand what you’re saying, but he would have told me. He just would have. So I’m inclined to think it’s not that.

I don't know how you can be so adamant that he would have told you. Or that anything he told you was true. He's probably not dead, there's likely another explanation, but you may never know what it is.

@steff13

I understand what you’re saying, but he would have told me. He just would have. So I’m inclined to think it’s not that.

I don't know how you can be so adamant that he would have told you. Or that anything he told you was true. He's probably not dead, there's likely another explanation, but you may never know what it is.

Because I had known the guy for the best part of a decade. I was aware of the conflict between him with me, another man and being expected to marry given his age and culture and I asked him about it and he answered me each time. So I don’t see why, if it did happen, that it would mean he wouldn’t tell me, or have since told me it happened.

I really hope you find out either way. What a tough situation

But you're missing my point; you don't know that his answers were true. You claim to be a regular poster, so you must be aware that there are women who are married to men for many years that they find out that they didn't really know at all.

Is it possible that he had a separate number just for contacting you? If he’s ditched the phone and the number, that’s why it looks like he’s disappeared.

9 years is a long time. I honestly cannot imagine having an intimate friendship with someone for that length of time and then nothing.
You don't say if you are single or anything about your relationship status but I hope you have people in real life that you can talk to.
I did ask earlier if your friend would be able to contact/find you or if it would be as difficult for him? I suppose I wonder if your situation was balanced or if you were able to share a lot more of yourself than he could? I know that he had form for drinking and driving but I wonder if you have fixated on this as the reason for radio silence because to you it is as though he has suddenly died. You have not been able to say goodbye or anything else. It's horrible for you and I am not surprised you're experiencing grief.
You could consider talking this through with a professional?

I hope you can find answers, peace and happiness going forward OP.

@IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel

9 years is a long time. I honestly cannot imagine having an intimate friendship with someone for that length of time and then nothing. You don't say if you are single or anything about your relationship status but I hope you have people in real life that you can talk to. I did ask earlier if your friend would be able to contact/find you or if it would be as difficult for him? I suppose I wonder if your situation was balanced or if you were able to share a lot more of yourself than he could? I know that he had form for drinking and driving but I wonder if you have fixated on this as the reason for radio silence because to you it is as though he has suddenly died. You have not been able to say goodbye or anything else. It's horrible for you and I am not surprised you're experiencing grief. You could consider talking this through with a professional?

I hope you can find answers, peace and happiness going forward OP.

Thank you for your message. I apologise, I didn’t see your earlier questions but to answer them: No it wouldn’t be difficult for my friend to find me. He told me before he knows my number off by heart, whether he still does I don’t know, but that’s what he said. He also knows my email address and my home address. The answer to your second question: I think you’re right and I had fixated on a reason in order to process his silence…but in turn it’s made me think of other avenues, as suggested, he might be incarcerated and unable to talk to me or get to his phone currently and that’s why he’s unavailable on WhatsApp

The drip feeding has changed my view of your position. Yes, you must be feeling bereft and I hope you either find some answers or are able to move on without.

@Billandben444

The drip feeding has changed my view of your position. Yes, you must be feeling bereft and I hope you either find some answers or are able to move on without.

I didn’t mean to drip feed, I didn’t actually want to give out the info I ended up giving out but I was being asked too many questions and other users were thinking and posting incorrect things about how we knew each other and other misinterpretations so I did.

I am feeling bereft, I’m so sad, as I really miss him. It’s not knowing what has happened that’s annoying.

OP, can you post the facts again all in one post so it’s clearer?

And then make a list of possible answers, then you can post again regarding very specific questions.

Eg, death is one possible. So list what you know for a fact eg first name, hometown, whatever else, (not actual name etc, just state that his first name is known to you) and someone might know different ways of accessing information.

The fact it’s all come out in dribs and drabs is a bit confusing (and that is not a criticism of you AT ALL, I understand why you’ve done that).

And my only other suggestion is Reddit, their user base is much larger and much more diverse than here so I suspect you’d have some luck on there.

Could you contact a local LGBT+ charity that deals with men who have sex with men (but don't identify as gay)? I've worked with such organisations, they may have heard things in their networks, or be able to refer you to bereavement support if it comes to that. It'd be a safe way of finding out, and they'll understand why you're asking. E.g. londonfriend.org.uk/ or www.positiveeast.org.uk/ - just look up LGBT+ support with the name of the city he lived in.
Also, if his name is Ray / Ranjith, PM me.

@Wazzzzzzzup

It's starting to feel really off. The whole thing. Not just the fact people think it's normal behaviour to send letter oe visit every x supermarket in the area... Frankly I think that even people trying to give advice with good intentions ahould stop.

I agree with this too.

It's the internet and you just have no idea what motivation a person has for trying to trace someone that they know so little about. It might be harmless or it may be criminal and all shades inbetween.

Really hope you get some closure on this op.
I will never understand why some people are so spiteful on here ..

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Sounds like you originally met through Grindr or a forum where first names only are usually used, but it's clear you've become very close over the years. Sorry but it does also sound like you were a lot more open to him than he was to you, and that probably means he feels like more "part of your life" than maybe you did to him. I don't mean you didn't mean a lot to him, I'm sure you did/do, but people living very secret lives do get extra good at compartmentalising - no choice. One friend lived with her partner for a decade, seeing her family regularly, and they never even knew he existed. When they broke up, she obviously had to do it without any family support.

But also, some of my Muslim friends have said things like "well if X family member ever found out about [thing], you'd not hear from me again because I'd be put on a plane straight back to Pakistan and either be stuck into an arranged marriage or dead". Horrible to contemplate but as PP have suggested certainly the first of these is possible. Taking his phone off him would have been an obvious step if they had found out about you, or others if there were others.

@CrapAtThis

OP, can you post the facts again all in one post so it’s clearer?

And then make a list of possible answers, then you can post again regarding very specific questions.

Eg, death is one possible. So list what you know for a fact eg first name, hometown, whatever else, (not actual name etc, just state that his first name is known to you) and someone might know different ways of accessing information.

The fact it’s all come out in dribs and drabs is a bit confusing (and that is not a criticism of you AT ALL, I understand why you’ve done that).

And my only other suggestion is Reddit, their user base is much larger and much more diverse than here so I suspect you’d have some luck on there.

I’m sorry, I know my posts probably came off as a bit erratic. There is nothing further of info to give than in my OP tbh: his first name (a common one), the city he lives in (a large, busy city) and that he worked in a factory for one of the supermarkets but I don’t know where or which building.

I didn’t want to go down the Reddit route as I find it very intrusive and I don’t want this this to be a “can you identify this person” type of thing