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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I find out if someone has died?

273 replies

MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:18

I know this isn’t the right section, I’m posting for traffic. PLEASE don’t move it, I am so desperate for help.

Realistically, how would I find out if someone is dead? I have a gut feeling they are. But I don’t know any information apart from their first name (which is common) and the city they live in (which is large). They were last seen on WhatsApp last month, which rules out that I’ve been blocked as it wouldn’t show that info if I had been, and their phone just goes straight to voicemail when trying to call. This is literally the only information that I have. I know it’s a big conclusion to jump to death but I have a gut feeling, and this is somebody that I was in contact with every four or five days without fail and now nothing for ages. I know the company they work for, but it’s a large supermarket chain and I don’t know which one or where it’s located.

This person is also Muslim. I add this because I don’t think funeral announcements are made locally and available, like other religions are, just in case anyone suggests that.

Is this a lost cause? Any advice or help would be appreciated, thank you in advance.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 14:23

No name, address or work details means that yes, it's a lost cause.

Unless you know the name of any of their family, friends or colleagues and you can look them up on SM.

SinoohXaenaHide · 07/10/2021 14:23

If you only know their first name and nothing else about them, used to be in contact with them regularly but are now blocked from contacting them, then there are a couple of much more likely scenarios than that they are dead. One of which is that they just don't want to hear from you any more. Given how little you know of them, it's not really appropriate for you to be this invested is it?

NerrSnerr · 07/10/2021 14:27

I don't think you'll be able to find out with such limited information.

Would they have wanted you to know? I'm just wondering as you know so little about them.

SummerHouse · 07/10/2021 14:31

Something is ringing alarm bells for me. In my job I see how common romance fraud is. Are you romantically involved op?

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:31

It’s a long story and I can’t go into it but there are reasons why I don’t have further info.

I have no idea if they’d want me to know, but if they are dead then they can’t do anything about letting me know that now. I was just wondering if anyone would have an idea how to find out with limited information, but I thought not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:33

@SummerHouse

Something is ringing alarm bells for me. In my job I see how common romance fraud is. Are you romantically involved op?
No, it’s not romance fraud. If anything, if they have died, I’d be on the up as I lent £20 from them the last time I saw them and said I’d give it back next time.
OP posts:
shinynewapple21 · 07/10/2021 14:35

So if you have met this person face to face, do you know the area they live then?

shinynewapple21 · 07/10/2021 14:36

Is it someone who you had a 'romantic' connection with though?

SummerHouse · 07/10/2021 14:38

It's far more likely they have lost their phone / your number OP. Is there anything to make you think they may have died (other than lack of contact)?

CoronaPeroni · 07/10/2021 14:38

Couldn't they just have lost their phone or had it stolen?

Seesawmummadaw · 07/10/2021 14:39

Why would you assume that they had passed away? Were they unwell?

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:41

I don’t think it’s a lost number as they would have contacted me via another way by now. I also know it’s a bit dramatic to jump to death rather than anything else but it’s a gut feeling I have. I think they have died in a car accident.

OP posts:
NigellaSeed · 07/10/2021 14:44

This is really odd. For all we know, you could be a stalker?

VainAbigail · 07/10/2021 14:45

Why is your gut feeling that they’ve died in a car accident? What’s bought you to that conclusion?

PartyStory · 07/10/2021 14:45

Search on Facebook for people with that name in their city. Their page will have people paying respects if they died. If the page is private, you will be able to see someone who they are friends with by looking at who has liked their display picture. Send one of these people a message and ask.

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:47

@NigellaSeed

This is really odd. For all we know, you could be a stalker?
Why would I be a stalker and come into Mumsnet and give no identifying information in my posts whatsoever to locate them?
OP posts:
WoodchipNightmares · 07/10/2021 14:47

Ring round the local mosques and ask if they know him? Though if you're asking for Mohammed at a mosque even they might struggle....

catscatscurrantscurrants · 07/10/2021 14:48

If they are Muslim and devout, contact the mosques where they live and ask them?

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:51

@VainAbigail
I don’t know, and this is why I know it will sound stupid to other people and I’m not really giving out much info, purposely, but above all it’s just a gut feeling. People do say trust your gut. It may be completely wrong but I felt it for a while as soon as I hadn’t heard from them when I usually would have. Tbh I didn’t make the post asking for advice on that specifically, I just wanted to know if anyone had ideas to help me find someone in those circumstances and thank you @PartyStory , I will try that, though with only a first common name in a large city it might not be successful.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 07/10/2021 14:51

@MissingThemDearly

I don’t think it’s a lost number as they would have contacted me via another way by now. I also know it’s a bit dramatic to jump to death rather than anything else but it’s a gut feeling I have. I think they have died in a car accident.
If they had died in a car accident you might be able to find something in their local newspaper/ Facebook community sites / maybe on Twitter.
ThisOverGetIDoHow · 07/10/2021 14:52

I'm confused at how you feel so close to them you were in touch with them weekly and yet don't know their last name

How do/did you know this person?

Taxwolf · 07/10/2021 14:54

Do you know any other information? Names of family members or friends? Hobbies? Social or sports clubs. Trace any of those on social media? 192? Approximate address or area they live in. Local news sites for reports of accidents? Coroners websites if your local one lists online. Local police or fire service website or Twitter? In my area they tend to report serious incidents.

SummerHouse · 07/10/2021 14:55

Is it a man. Some assumptions it is but I see you use they / them.

How is your mental health OP? I know that's a horribly invasive question but to think they are dead and specifically that it was a car accident, that sounds like a pretty intrusive thought.

DespairingHomeowner · 07/10/2021 14:55

If they are muslim, it may work to contact the mosques in the area, as if they have had a religious burial this would be known to the imam

You will need to tread carefully/sensitively and no guarantees that anyone will speak to you, but if its a younger person & you suspect a car crash then it would not be an everyday thing

Do you have any muslim friends who could make the approach on your behalf and say you want to pay your respects?

Cakequeen1988 · 07/10/2021 14:56

This also sounds odd to me, you don’t seem to know much about someone you spoke to so often. Not knowing their surname or further personal details is odd

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