Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I find out if someone has died?

273 replies

MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:18

I know this isn’t the right section, I’m posting for traffic. PLEASE don’t move it, I am so desperate for help.

Realistically, how would I find out if someone is dead? I have a gut feeling they are. But I don’t know any information apart from their first name (which is common) and the city they live in (which is large). They were last seen on WhatsApp last month, which rules out that I’ve been blocked as it wouldn’t show that info if I had been, and their phone just goes straight to voicemail when trying to call. This is literally the only information that I have. I know it’s a big conclusion to jump to death but I have a gut feeling, and this is somebody that I was in contact with every four or five days without fail and now nothing for ages. I know the company they work for, but it’s a large supermarket chain and I don’t know which one or where it’s located.

This person is also Muslim. I add this because I don’t think funeral announcements are made locally and available, like other religions are, just in case anyone suggests that.

Is this a lost cause? Any advice or help would be appreciated, thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 11/10/2021 16:57

@Agapornis

Could you contact a local LGBT+ charity that deals with men who have sex with men (but don't identify as gay)? I've worked with such organisations, they may have heard things in their networks, or be able to refer you to bereavement support if it comes to that. It'd be a safe way of finding out, and they'll understand why you're asking. E.g. londonfriend.org.uk/ or www.positiveeast.org.uk/ - just look up LGBT+ support with the name of the city he lived in. Also, if his name is Ray / Ranjith, PM me.
That is not his name but thank you for your help. This person would not have got in touch with any of those organisations either
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 11/10/2021 16:57

@ConstanceGracy

Really hope you get some closure on this op. I will never understand why some people are so spiteful on here ..
Thank you. I wasn’t sure if it was me being off or feeling over sensitive because of how I’m feeling but I did think the overall tone has been very harsh
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 11/10/2021 17:00

@FoxgloveSummers

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Sounds like you originally met through Grindr or a forum where first names only are usually used, but it's clear you've become very close over the years. Sorry but it does also sound like you were a lot more open to him than he was to you, and that probably means he feels like more "part of your life" than maybe you did to him. I don't mean you didn't mean a lot to him, I'm sure you did/do, but people living very secret lives do get extra good at compartmentalising - no choice. One friend lived with her partner for a decade, seeing her family regularly, and they never even knew he existed. When they broke up, she obviously had to do it without any family support.

But also, some of my Muslim friends have said things like "well if X family member ever found out about [thing], you'd not hear from me again because I'd be put on a plane straight back to Pakistan and either be stuck into an arranged marriage or dead". Horrible to contemplate but as PP have suggested certainly the first of these is possible. Taking his phone off him would have been an obvious step if they had found out about you, or others if there were others.

Thank you for your kind words and support. From your post it sounds like you understand my situation and have described it the best. I feel like people think I’m stupid for not getting his last name but I didn’t need it because … I just didn’t. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him and he wasn’t with me so we didn’t need to know that stuff about each other…it did start off casual like you said, and then became closer but there wasn’t a turning point where I said “oh by the way, what is your last name”?
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 12/10/2021 18:26

@Agapornis

Could you contact a local LGBT+ charity that deals with men who have sex with men (but don't identify as gay)? I've worked with such organisations, they may have heard things in their networks, or be able to refer you to bereavement support if it comes to that. It'd be a safe way of finding out, and they'll understand why you're asking. E.g. londonfriend.org.uk/ or www.positiveeast.org.uk/ - just look up LGBT+ support with the name of the city he lived in. Also, if his name is Ray / Ranjith, PM me.
Oh my god, just saw this on the news and realising why you asked me if that was his name. How awfully sad.
OP posts:
crapatthis1 · 12/10/2021 22:23

OP could it be something as simple as he lost his phone and/or lost your number or similar?

I'm sorry, I know it's just a lot of speculation.

Amiwronghere · 12/10/2021 23:11

Hope
You get closure op

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 13/10/2021 17:15

@crapatthis1

OP could it be something as simple as he lost his phone and/or lost your number or similar?

I'm sorry, I know it's just a lot of speculation.

Not really, no, because they said they know my number off by heart so can contact it if they wanted from a different phone, and also knows my email address and my home address and could have contacted me via these alternative methods. Thanks for your help.
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 13/10/2021 17:16

@Amiwronghere

Hope You get closure op
Thank you. It’s making me feel so sad and uprooted in general. If I just knew some closure then I could move on in whichever direction necessary but it’s the questionability of the whole situation that leaves me feel floundering. I don’t know what’s happened, or if anything has happened.
OP posts:
IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 14/10/2021 18:00

Hi @missingthemdearly hope you are having a better day today.
I was just reading the last few comments and I sadly have to agree with @foxglovesummers and to be honest it was something that occurred to me when you first shared the details. He absolutely could have been found out and put on a plane to Pakistan or whichever country he has family in. He may even be trying to deny his sexuality to himself and decided that a clean break was easier for both of you. Has there ever been a previous time that he just disappeared I wonder?
The only other thing I thought of is whether or not you had a regular meeting up place - bar, cafe, club etc and if you could ask if anyone has seen him? Likewise, do you have any mutual friends or acquaintance? I imagine you've already exhausted both of those suggestions before ever considering posting here.
I think that you could drive yourself to distraction, worrying, imaging all sorts of scenarios and your friend would not want that, I don't want you to be going through that and I don't even know you. So, I think you need a strategy and grief counseling or even just following the advice given to people unexpectedly bereaved might be an idea to consider.
It doesn't mean that you can't cherish the memories of the last 9 years but I hope this heartache over the 'not knowing' will not stop you moving forward.
I imagine that there are still many men who have been in very similar situations. It's easy to imagine that in the UK in 2021 nobody has to hide being gay but your story shows that's just not true.
My hope for you is obviously to find out what has actually happened but more than anything I hope the next guy you have any type of relationship with is free to shout your name from the rooftops! 😁

Mommabear20 · 14/10/2021 18:06

Try asking your local police station to run the phone number and check the recent deaths. They won't be able to give you any personal details but at least you'd know if they were dead

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 14/10/2021 20:14

Thank you for your supportive Words. But I think mainly others have not understood the situation and maybe not you either (in a kind way as I know you meant well).

My hope for you is obviously to find out what has actually happened but more than anything I hope the next guy you have any type of relationship with is free to shout your name from the rooftops!

But as a single, gay man, I Dont WANT to be in a relationship that I could “shout from the rooftops” not because I’m a hidden gay man and closeted (I’m not), but simply because as a human adult being I WANT to be single and that is what I wanted and I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain throughout thread and what ppl don’t seem to be picking up upon. His sudden absence is very stressful to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 14/10/2021 20:25

@MissingThemDearly

Thank you for your supportive Words. But I think mainly others have not understood the situation and maybe not you either (in a kind way as I know you meant well).

My hope for you is obviously to find out what has actually happened but more than anything I hope the next guy you have any type of relationship with is free to shout your name from the rooftops!

But as a single, gay man, I Dont WANT to be in a relationship that I could “shout from the rooftops” not because I’m a hidden gay man and closeted (I’m not), but simply because as a human adult being I WANT to be single and that is what I wanted and I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain throughout thread and what ppl don’t seem to be picking up upon. His sudden absence is very stressful to me.

but simply because as a human adult being I WANT to be single and that is what I wanted and I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody.

Quoting myself here but is this legitimate? Is this a normal feeling? Not just for gay people, but for anyone? Or am I just weird and so deserving of some of the comments so far recieved?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 14/10/2021 20:34

@Mommabear20

Try asking your local police station to run the phone number and check the recent deaths. They won't be able to give you any personal details but at least you'd know if they were dead
I have already tried this but no positive response, thank u for the suggestion
OP posts:
Agapornis · 14/10/2021 23:37

You're completely normal! It's entirely okay to have sex with people/an individual person, for however long they are in your life, not make it a relationship, know that you're single, and still care about the other person. Been there, done that :)

Agapornis · 14/10/2021 23:48

Also, I think @IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel specifically wrote 'any kind of relationship' only to refer to such a friend/..mutually agreeable arrangement(?) - I like to refer to such people in my life as lovers Grin - I don't think Lovechild meant to imply conventional relationship. Also, honestly don't worry about whatever posters write - it's between the two of you, and you don't owe it to anyone to satisfy their curiosity.

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 15/10/2021 14:12

Yes @Agapornis has got it exactly right, I really didn't mean to offend you or suggest that people have to be in relationships to be happy.
There's nothing weird about wanting a marriage, a committed relationship, a lover or lovers, FWB situation, single, celibate, or whatever, whatever! It's what works for You and them at that particular space and time.
I only meant that I hope you're never in this limbo state of not knowing what if anything has happened to someone you know ever again. X

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 15/10/2021 17:43

Thank you @Agapornis I really appreciate your words

Thank you also @IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel sorry, but I’ve been posting some posts on here whilst emotionally down and off the cuff so it may have come across as not what I meant it to mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 23/12/2021 18:46

Not that anybody on here probably cares but I hate reading threads that are left unresolved, so I thought I’d update this one with the update that he is alive and in contact again and it was, after all, something to do with my gut instinct like I said in the first place. Thanks all those who helped with kind words. Going to have a much more brighter Christmas from this news Xmas Smile

OP posts:
HarrietteNightingale · 23/12/2021 18:58

I'm glad your friend is ok op and back in contact and hope you both have a good Xmas!

CaptainCabinets · 23/12/2021 18:59

@MissingThemDearly

Not that anybody on here probably cares but I hate reading threads that are left unresolved, so I thought I’d update this one with the update that he is alive and in contact again and it was, after all, something to do with my gut instinct like I said in the first place. Thanks all those who helped with kind words. Going to have a much more brighter Christmas from this news Xmas Smile
Merry Christmas 🥰 what a lovely update.
sleepykits · 23/12/2021 19:01

Good to hear... I followed this thread silently so thank you for the update.

DaveDave · 23/12/2021 19:01

What a lovely update! Happy for you

Herecomesthesun70 · 23/12/2021 19:26

Ah good news. At least he's not dead.
Was it the drink driving you mentioned?

DreamingOfTheSouthOfFrance · 23/12/2021 19:32

Thank you for updating your thread and so pleased its happy news for you.

Kshhuxnxk · 23/12/2021 19:38

Well that's good news then.!