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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I find out if someone has died?

273 replies

MissingThemDearly · 07/10/2021 14:18

I know this isn’t the right section, I’m posting for traffic. PLEASE don’t move it, I am so desperate for help.

Realistically, how would I find out if someone is dead? I have a gut feeling they are. But I don’t know any information apart from their first name (which is common) and the city they live in (which is large). They were last seen on WhatsApp last month, which rules out that I’ve been blocked as it wouldn’t show that info if I had been, and their phone just goes straight to voicemail when trying to call. This is literally the only information that I have. I know it’s a big conclusion to jump to death but I have a gut feeling, and this is somebody that I was in contact with every four or five days without fail and now nothing for ages. I know the company they work for, but it’s a large supermarket chain and I don’t know which one or where it’s located.

This person is also Muslim. I add this because I don’t think funeral announcements are made locally and available, like other religions are, just in case anyone suggests that.

Is this a lost cause? Any advice or help would be appreciated, thank you in advance.

OP posts:
SinoohXaenaHide · 08/10/2021 07:58

Maybe he was a deep-cover operative all along and has moved on to his next assignment. But even if that isn't the reason, if after 9 years he has never shared enough personal information for you to trace him then that's a clear message that you need to hear. Either there's an active reason for his secrecy (eg he has family who mustn't know about the aspect of his life that you know him from) or you have just never been thst much of a friend to him (eg the people I know from yoga or school/club dropoffs and have known for years but wouldn't expect them to particularly consider me a friend). The fact that you're known him so long makes it more obvious that you have been kept at arm's length deliberately. He hasn't died. He has blocked you. Take the hint.

AppleBlueberryPie · 08/10/2021 08:07

Alternately there was a thread on here no so long ago where the ops long distance friend had stopped contact suddenly. She was worried something bad had happened and it transpired that her friend “had” died in a car crash.

Yes I remember that one! However the big difference was that she was friends on FB and noticed people leaving broken heart emojis on her friend's profile. She messaged one of those people and it was confirmed. That went beyond a gut feeling as described here. OP is clearly not friends with the person on any social media. Just a first name and zero mutual friends after 9 years should ring massive alarm bells. It almost sounds like the person has done this before or set up the situation so they can easily disappear.

Youdoyoutoday · 08/10/2021 08:12

Have you tried ringing from another number? Very odd situation though

LittleMo234 · 08/10/2021 08:12

I'm all for trusting your gut but I've never known a gut feeling to be quite so specific...
Is there no-one you have in common with this person OP? Any mutual interests or hobbies?
If not & if you can't get anything from their number by any means (Google/any social media/someone else's phone) then I think you'll have to put this one to the back of your mind or its going to drive you scatty!

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 08/10/2021 09:13

The gut feeling is more than that, this person was known for drunk driving. I always told them to stop doing it, always warned something bad could happen to them, or someone else, but they didn’t listen. So I suppose it’s more of a prediction and an assumption based on facts rather than just a gut feeling as to why that specifically.

I can’t help but feel that some people are purposely making nasty digs. I know I haven’t given much away because I’m trying to keep things anonymous but people seem to have filled in blanks like recovery addictions and are way off. I’m not heartbroken or devastated but I know I haven’t been blocked (I’ve already explained the WhatsApp status as proof) and it’s just bugging me that I can’t find out what’s happened, but with such limited information that was probably inevitable. I did say during one conversation that if anything ever happened to each other we would most likely not find out and now that feeling that they have died is strong.

@DappyApple No, I didn’t catch that thread and certainly didn’t make it - if that’s what you’re trying to imply.

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 08/10/2021 09:33

Op, can you just recap what info you DO know about this person?

DappyApple · 08/10/2021 09:42

No I wasn’t implying that you’d made the thread I mentioned. Just that this scenario was something that happened previously to another poster.

It was a big assumption to make that you thought your friend had died in a car crash without any context.
If you’d originally said that friend was known for drink driving and you are worried that he may have had an accident. Then I would have understood your assumption.

But to jump straight in with I think he’s died in a car crash with nothing to back it up seemed a bit suss.

I apologise.

Wazzzzzzzup · 08/10/2021 10:01

I am having bit of deja vu re drink dfiving.

So what happens when you try to call the number normally not on WhatsApp

Cupcakeschocolate · 08/10/2021 10:10

My bet is he has recently got married and cut ties. I've heard of it before.... I'm from a Muslim community.

And no, he probably didn't tell you he was engaged. Or it could even have been a short engagement or an arranged marriage. It is a bit strange you don't know their last name. But again it's not unheard of for men to use a different first name.

So I'm thinking married and can no longer talk to other females. And possibly on a honey moon.

Might be a jump but wouldn't surprise me

RestingPandaFace · 08/10/2021 10:42

@CupcakeschocolateI think you are probably right.

TheAverageUser · 08/10/2021 10:47

@dappyapple yes that's exactly what I was thinking. It was ringing a bell.

NigellaSeed · 08/10/2021 15:09

It just crossed my mind because it could be the other person doesn't want you to find them.

You could be genuine, and if so, I hope your friend is okay, but just from reading the first half of the thread, it could literally be that they are trying to get away from you.

Rainydaypuddles · 08/10/2021 16:29

The thread where the person died in a car crash was a bit different as the person was Facebook friends with their friend

Rainydaypuddles · 08/10/2021 16:29

Any luck in any of your searches OP?

ivegotthisyeah · 08/10/2021 17:25

Do you have a photo of him you could send to the mosques ?

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 08/10/2021 17:26

@Rainydaypuddles

Any luck in any of your searches OP?
Nothing, but I expected as much. I am just trying to resign myself to the fact that if they are dead then that’s it and I won’t see them ever again.
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 08/10/2021 17:30

@Cupcakeschocolate

My bet is he has recently got married and cut ties. I've heard of it before.... I'm from a Muslim community.

And no, he probably didn't tell you he was engaged. Or it could even have been a short engagement or an arranged marriage. It is a bit strange you don't know their last name. But again it's not unheard of for men to use a different first name.

So I'm thinking married and can no longer talk to other females. And possibly on a honey moon.

Might be a jump but wouldn't surprise me

I understand what you’re saying but this person had no reason to. As said before, I have known this person for 9 years, so almost a decade. I asked about marriage (not for myself!) a few times and the person answered me honestly. So I have no reason to think they would get married and not tell me they were doing so. Unless it was a very, very quickly arranged marriage but I spoke to them days before they were last seen on WhatsApp and I’m absolutely positive that they would mention it, and that’s why my mind has turned to the alternative, which seems more likely to me and aligns with my gut feeling.
OP posts:
Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 08/10/2021 17:31

@ivegotthisyeah

Do you have a photo of him you could send to the mosques ?
I thought about doing that and including a letter but didn’t know if it would come across as a little strange
OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 08/10/2021 17:33

9 years but don't know their surname?

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 17:36

Did he regularly attend mosque? Could you find his local one? Do you have a picture of him?

QuestionNumberOne · 08/10/2021 17:37

Curious why you don’t know their surname after nine years, nor their Facebook details.

Do you have his email?

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/10/2021 17:41

Could be in prison.

Original poster
MissingThemDearly · 08/10/2021 17:47

I don’t know their surname for a reason that makes sense but I’m not saying it so it might seem odd as it’s coming across. I don’t “have” Facebook, I do have an account but I don’t post or add anyone on there (it was created for gaming purposes when the rage was to link with a FB account for free stuff back in 2012) so I don’t have anyone added on there. It’s a generic and random profile with no links to me, they certainly don’t know I have it. I have checked through “recommended for you” list to see if they are on there, but they aren’t. They definitely use Facebook Marketplace as we were talking about it quite recently and they said they used it but I don’t know if that’s a seperate thing to normal FB? Yes, I have the persons email and they have mine. I have already sent an email but no reply.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 17:48

@MissingThemDearly they won't just appear on your recommendations.

Do you know anything about them? Where they went to school? Any social clubs they're a part of? The names of any friends? Even the area they live - you might be able to find some groups they're a member of.

Tuliprain · 08/10/2021 17:53

Google their name and town and accident and see if anything comes up?