To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

Thanks very much for coming back to me @Violet1988 I suspect the same would happen for us. We have three car seats atm (the baby one in storage) and I've checked online and can't see a way of getting them all in. Same for dhs car. Ah well!

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

We tried and researched loads of car models to get three seats in. We wanted three across the back (or middle row in an MPV) if poss rather than using the back row of MPV as apparently it's generally safer.
We only use the back row if we have extra passengers on occasion, altho the back back seats in a Sharan/Alhambra are full size adult seats and safer for regular use than the Zafira ones. The zafira ones are slightly smaller and considered suitable for occasional rather than regular use. I'm sure many people prob use them regularly tho. Personally, I wouldn't be keen to put young DC in car seats in them longterm
Discovered that 3 across the middle row was only possible in VW Sharan or Seat Alhambra (basically the same car with a different badge on). It may be possible in vehicles such as Volvo XC90 or Audi Q7, Range Rover etc but these were way out of our price range. We have a Sharan now, it's not a sexy car but has loads of room and storage compartments and is very comfortable to travel in.

I really wanted three but was advised not to after two emergency sections. I have two boys and would have loved a girl.i did have pangs about it for quite a few years but I know now it was the right thing to stick to two. Aside from space and money and time and health, Im not sure it's ethical to have more than two now with the state of things. I actually also wonder what we are letting kids in for in the not too distant future. Not very cheerful but there you go..

I have 4, they are 13, 14, 15 and 16.
3 was no different to 2 for me really but you will be stretched in every way when they are teenagers and all going in different directions.

I was planning on two children but then had three as pregnancy number two was twins. There are so many reasons why two would have been easier than three but I am also so glad that I have three, it feels right for us.

Sharing bedrooms is fine. However our lives did become easier when we had a house big enough for each child to have their own room. Less arguing and somewhere they escape from each other.

I have no idea what this is like, but we’re potentially looking at this… expensive, but a lot cheaper than a new car! Haven’t rtft so don’t know if it’s been mentioned already
www.multimac.com/home

@Zapx the multimac only rearfaces to 15 months so not ideal if you want to rearface for longer.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah in a very similar situation to you (although likely leaning more towards sticking at 2) and finding this thread very useful....I am also intrigued to know what did you decide??

Hi @Ilovechocolate87 feels so strange reading this back now. The short answer is, we went for it. I'm currently cuddling my 8 month old DD 🥰

The logistics - DH traded his car for a ford 7 seater. I still have my zafira and we are coping fine in that respect, our eldest got a new high back booster, the younger two are in recycled seats. We haven't done the extension into the roof yet as I'm on mat leave for a year and with the COL crisis we think it's too risky. The boys are currently sharing (their choice!) and the DD is still in with us leaving a spare room for now!

Financially we haven't noticed much difference at at all yet because I'm off work and I saved to cover the unpaid bit until childcare kicks in. With the new support for childcare, DD will be applicable for additional help from next year which was a welcome suprise. My youngest son is now getting 30 free hours so we are banking childcare vouchers to help us longer term. We love quite frugily with most things brought and sold on vinted or in the Asda George sales, we don't food shop at places like Waitrose!; I could count on one hand the new items DD has had but we don't care about that. We have a UK holiday booked for this summer (despite the the eye watering summer holiday prices)

In terms of what difference having a third has made...we are now feeling complete, simple as that. The boys truly adore her. We feel so, so lucky. Ds1 is settled into school, ds2 is ready for nursery this September. DD just slotted in. And NO for the one millionth time did we chose to go for a third baby to have a girl!!! She was just a very happy suprise. It's difficult going out at times because of course one boy wants to go one way the other in the opposite direction, but we manage for now as DD is in the pram! Going forward of course that will be trickier but my eldest is quite sensible thankfully and rarely pushes boundaries in terms of running off. It's fair to say you need your wits about you and we do feel tired alot just from having to juggle many balls ALL OF THE TIME. The house is a mess quite often but it's a happy home. It's happy chaos actually, all around.

Obviously we could be considered selfish from an environmental perspective and no doubt I will be slammed again. But I like to think we are doing our little bits here and there like buying and selling second hand, walking wherever possible, not flying etc. That said, I had ALOT of comments about this during my pregnancy, even from midwives etc so if you do intend to try, be prepared for lots of comments about how a third baby will instantly burn the Earth.

Goodluck in your decision and by all means ask away if there is something specific you want to know 😀

Congratulations @ItsAllBlahBlahBlah what a lovely update ❤️

Thank you. I know it's not for everyone and every circumstance is different so I'm by no means saying 'do it' if people are trying to decide but I can hand on heart say it was the best decision for us. Not to say we weren't nervous through the whole pregnancy if I'm honest. But I've seen my boys thrive and be so gentle and loving with her. We've also been honest and open with them that we will always do our very best but they can't have everything. We are very lucky they are both the type to love a weekend building dens in the woods and find a treat a "proper" Ice cream from the ice cream man at a weekend. But we're probably also wierd in the sense that we don't have iPads and other expense stuff but I know that will inevitably come. I'm back to work in October and then we can reassess our finances but I know hand on heart now it's the end of our baby days and we are all looking forward to all that is yet to come as a very messy, higgle de piggledy family of 5 🥰

I always wanted 3 and had 3 but often wish we hadn't had a third. It's so hard to give everyone the attention they need. My siblings both stopped at 2 and their lives seem much easier and they get much more of a break as GPs are willing to take 2 but not 3. It's hard to not feel you are failing everyone!

Also holidays are much harder to find. Never was an issue when they were younger and we were doing caravan type holidays but now we want to try to abroad everything is so much more, disproportionately expensive.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah hi really lovely to hear your update. I saw the thread as a current active thread and started reading and then was like oh I remember this one - the zafira car seats one!! Was strange to read it back again with my third little boy now 18 months sleeping beside me. Enjoy your lovely family 💖

Congratulations OP! It sounds like you really made the right decision for you and your family. 🥰

Very interested to read this thread as I recently had my second and am (still) keen to try for a third. Most of the posts on here seem to warn against it so it’s nice to hear that you have no regrets, and also that you feel “done” after three!

I love the baby phase so slightly worried I’ll never get that feeling of being complete (and then really regret having more babies when I have a house full of teenagers)…

About environmental impact. I recently had ours assessed and our family size is double that of the friend I did it with. Her usage was something like 8x ours. Why? They have a minimum of two holidays a year that include international flights, sometimes domestic flights/short haul for weekends away too. They use their dryer for all their laundry. They have two cars and drive everywhere and a host of other things/differences. They have a nanny and are contemplating a 3rd car for her. They eat more convenience food. Our household income is significant less than theirs which in a way I think helps with our impact.

In truth our family is the size it is because we said yes to extended family who needed a permanent home/adoption and couldn't live with their parents. So I didn't set out to specifically have the family size we do. But it was very eye opening to see how a more 'standard' family with 2 dc who says they are environmentally aware, was using so much compared to a larger family that is more frugal (hanging laundry, cottage rental holidays we drive to, one vehicle, walk as many places as possible, chose to live more urban for the ability for dc to have that independence and options and not have to have more cars).

Honestly @ItsAllBlahBlahBlah my 'favourite' family size was 3 dc. I love all my kids and don't regret any but I felt 3 still allowed all the same things as having 2 but with some really nice bonus'. I found sibling relationships were better as they weren't stuck with the same sibling all the time, I found I was far more relaxed the 3rd time round and I liked the slightly bigger age difference with number 3 so that the older two had special roles. I also learned how to make budget saving choices with everything - I remember working out I was spending less with 3 than I did with 1. Not saying that's everyone's experience, but I do think as you mature as a family you do begin to look at different choices and find more creative ways. All of my kids have hobbies and at this place in life (we are in the teen years for the older ones) I don't think anyone has had any detriment to the addition of another sibling.

As for Uni, I always set a goal to have enough to cover tuition for 1 and 2nd year as well as all the books they need. My expectation is always that they are working through their teen and Uni years and saving to help address the rest. My eldest has enough saved to pay for 3rd year already and she's not even started Uni yet. The bigger costs will of course include flat rentals etc., but I've said if they choose local/commutable schools they can stay at home rent free while they are full time students. It's up to them.

It must be said too so much comes down to what you prioritize. I have friends with double our household income and only 2 dc who won't contribute to their dc's Uni as they think that's their own responsibility. Another who plan to give 1k and that's it. Neither family size, nor income always determines all this.

Somehow I missed this was an old thread!

Congratulations @ItsAllBlahBlahBlah your experience mirrors mine! Enjoy every moment!

Ahh congratulations....I thought you would! ;) Sounds like it's working out really well for you too, which is good to hear.

To be honest, it plays on my mind abit but i'm not desperate for another (not atm anyway) and there are waaayy more reasons for us not to have another than to go ahead and do so, some of the key ones being Finances (we have some inheritance savings but this is supposed to be to buy a house as we currently rent...our income isn't brilliant and isn't likely to improve, especially whilst i'm working part time, and whilst we could afford the basic essentials for another child, but all the extras would suffer alot, and its not like we can afford everything new or expensive as it is, or have much left over at the end of the month) Space is another issue... as I doubt we will ever afford a large or 4 bed house, and would want them to have their own rooms pre-teens onwards. Lack of support network is another as other than paid childcare we only really have my mum, who is a great and local support but in her 70s so can only do so much.Another is worries about going through the whole pregnancy/birth side of things again.I didn't have particularly hard pregnancies health wise, but had a miscarriage before each of our daughters, and had to have emergency stitches and a blood transfusion after my first daughter's birth.I am 35 now and would likely be about 37 at the point we would go for another if we did, so would also be concerned about the health risks for me and for baby, and whether i might have a multiple birth (one of the miscarriages was actually triplets!)

I guess the other main thing would be the emotional/mental impact..giving them all enough time and attention, how eldest DD would cope and what the sibling relationships would look like, as whilst she loves her little sister loads, she has struggled since we became a family of 4 too in terms of sharing attention (she is possibly neurodiverse- awaiting an assessment) and I worry what another girl might do to their close bond.

But sometimes the thought just crosses my head about having a big family, as I was an only child
(DH one of 4) and whilst I love having two I worry if something happened to one of them the other would be an only child again :-/ (probably very irrational I know) I can't quite get rid of all the baby stuff yet, especially the clothes, but getting rid of some bits we haven't kept was easier than I thought.DH is on the fence abit too, but we wouldn't rush into anything without being realistic and prepared...might wait a year or so as baby is only 19mo, see how things are then and if we feel we could cope 😅

I need to be sure we would go ahead for the right reasons, not just because we dont want ours to grow up or want another baby to cuddle.Thanks for the useful feedback, and enjoy your littlest addition! :) xx