To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

@PattyPan Wow. Just wow! You wouldn’t be friends with someone who has 3 children?! That’s crazy.

Sorry you’re getting such a hard time OP.

I don’t think there are many people in the real world who would be so judgemental, so please don’t take these comments to heart. Especially given you already had a third child, who you lost.

The environmental concerns are valid and definitely worth taking seriously, but people shouldn’t be judged for their family planning decisions.

Who knows.... your third child could be John Connor

Seriously though, we haven’t yet got a 2 child policy, and many people will be deciding not to have children now. So if you want 3, have 3 without feeling guilt! The birth rate is going to go down anyway!

@Bluebellsinparadise if they were choosing to have a third child now no. If they had three adult children it would be different because the circumstances were different then. But I wouldn’t be friends with eg an anti vaxxer or gun nut either. People don’t tend to want to be friends with people with opposing values. The environment is an emergency and ignoring it in favour of just feeling like your family could do with another child in the face of all evidence means our values wouldn’t be compatible.

Pattypan the number of children an individual family has is irrelevant, how many a society has overall is what matters and it’s well under 2 in this country and declining in most countries as well as sperm count. It’s the same as people judging women for having no children, because if all women had no children the human race would be finished in 100 years.

I disagree, stairway. That’s like saying the individual’s carbon footprint doesn’t matter because it’s about the total society’s impact. Well it does matter because we all need to take responsibility for our actions and the total impact is made up of that of each individual! Also, in this country and developed countries in general the impact of a child is much higher than in developing countries where the birth rate is higher.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

I do understand what people are saying about viewing families with more than two children as selfish but I've never ever came across that. Is this something that's mumbled behind people's backs? Genuine question, as I have friends with 3 or 4 children and noone has ever said they've received any hostility about it

I posted earlier in the thread about my colleague with 5 kids and the big diesel car, who spends her time lecturing others (including childless colleagues) about the world her children will inherit. I've never said anything to her, but have there been comments behind her back? You bet there have.

Pattypan, if we as a society had a very low carbon footprint then it wouldn’t matter if a few individuals didn’t. We don’t though so everyone has to make an effort.

What @stairway said!

But @PattyPan we don’t have a problem with the birth rate in the U.K. It’s falling so rapidly that our oversubscribed, popular school now has lots of spare places in nursery/ reception. The world doesn’t need your judgement- it’s happening away without your unhelpful judgement. You’re not having any impact - you’re just being mean. Maybe try changing the world through more positive action that will actually have results?

*happening anyway

@AudacityBaby yeah but she’s preaching so the chatter behind her back is fully deserved!

Yes I agree everyone has to make an effort stairway.

Bluebells, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to be honest. Op wanted to know if people would judge behind her back so I told the truth that I would. I do plenty of other things, don’t worry. Which I have time for, because I don’t have three children

Fair play @PattyPan and I wish you well!

Thanks for the latest comments... I think 🙈

@Bluebellsinparadise

Bit of a tangent but that school situation is not the norm, my mother in law works in school admissions for greater Manchester and every school is over subscribed, she is dealing with numerous families where children from the same family have had to go different schools on opposite side of town which is a logistical nightmare for drop offs and pick ups. She has several schools with a waiting list for one year group alone is exceeding 30, children being placed in special needs school in emergency situations as they cant place them elsewhere. Theres children due to start secondary and primary school this year (in just a few weeks away) who still have not received any place at all even in schools way out of catchment.

We've had a third, almost a year ago. Everything pp have said re the negatives is prob true but the bottom line for us is she's perfect, she completes our family and there's no regrets here. Even after just 3 hours sleep
I couldn't imagine being without her.

DH wanted (wants) 3. I wanted 2 or 3 and after 5 years of in-depth discussions, me reading every thread on MN about it, me doing excel sheets on how much said 3rd baby would cost us, I eventually had to say a definitive no to DH for a 3rd.

It's not for financial reasons as we are in the top 10% of earners but health (mental and physical).

DS1 (9) has always been very difficult and has had several medical issues since birth. He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. He is fabulous and utterly exhausting. And now we know he will need a LOT of support (time and emotional) through the teenage years.

Ive had 2 burnouts in the past 5 years and am quite simply struggling. DS2 shows a couple of signs of ADHD too. Fortunately not the emotional rollercoaster and sleep-dodger which is DS1 but my god the word hyperactive was invented for DS2!

I adore both of them and want to do my very best for them. Ive put juggling their needs and having time for them above our wanting to have a 3rd DC (both boys also want a sibling but I just can't do it without bringing in lots of paid extra help and the whole point is I want to be with my DC not outsource).

I don't regret my decision. I wish I'd been better able to cope so that I could give DH the 3rd he really wants. But at the end of the day I have 2 gorgeous boys who are extremely fun to be with (we're a sporty fanily and as they're getting older can do more and more things together).

Good luck OP. It's a very difficult decision.

I read the whole thread with interest as considering the same decision as OP.

The whole environmental debate doesn't really seem relevant to me. The birth rate in most developped countries is already in decline so I'm not sure why everyone is fixated on two children as some magic number. And if this is about the environmental impact of children as individuals then how do you justify having any at all, let alone two ?

Someone suggested a birth rate control by the state as they did in China and... Really ? Because I mean clearly that worked out SO well for them.

The fact is, this forum is a world unto itself and not at all representative of society at large. Some of the standards parents are held to on here are properly ridiculous. So if OP wants a balanced opinion, I'd suggest asking on other forums too. But most of all you need to do what works for you.

No, for me the most relevant factors would be :

• whether I'd have enough time for three plus myself
• the logistics of having three (activities, handling them on holiday, etc)
• whether I could shoulder the cost

In my case I've decided to wait a bit and see how I manage it all as kids grow a bit older. I definitely want a bigger gap (the first two have a 18 months difference).

Thanks for sharing @Marty13 and @InvincibleInvisibility it really is a tough decision to make and there is so much to consider. I'm coming around to the fact we can do it financially, my employer now offers change to hours for school for example so atm I work three days and I could, when the kids are all at school do four days over five working 9-3 so I wouldn't need wrap around child care except in the holidays when I am not using annual leave. This would also help to make savings to have the loft converted by the time my eldest was going to secondary school. Doesn't remove the impact on the environment nor the chance of having a child who requires additional care, or the fact I will be split three ways though!

True, but the risk of a SN child exists whenever you decide to conceive. You're also never safe from one of your children having some sort of disease or accident that means they require special care. In short, you're never sure of anything in life ! That, in and of itself, would not dissuade me, but I appreciate that we're all different.

Just don’t. I am a third child nine years younger than my siblings who are fifteen months apart. It’s just too much to start over with a big age gap. My sister has never accepted me as an adult and equal. Two are good; three are difficult.

I have 2. When my youngest was 1, I went through a broody stage and wanted a 3rd, OH has always been adamant that 2 is enough.
They are now 9 and 7, and I’m glad we stopped at 2 for various reasons:
Adding up how much we had spent on childcare in the early years was eye watering. And now they are school age, there is the cost of uniforms, extra curricular activities, school trips and holiday care (grandparents help once a week, they look after nephew another day. They are also late 60’s and could just about cope with 2, but wouldn’t have 3 at once).
The majority of holidays/family days out are set up for families of 4.
Of my friends who have more than 2 dc, certain things are harder or not possible with 3 or more kids, e.g one friend had to turn down a meet up for a fun swim as only allowed 2 under 8’s to 1 adult in the pool, same friend does not take her dc to soft play as trying to keep an eye on 3 kids of different ages and stages is too much.
We could just about manage 3 but what if we had conceived twins or more?
Also what if the third child had medical issues or additional needs which would require more care and attention and how would that ultimately affect how much time and attention all the children get?
Cost of college and potentially uni when they’re older.
So to be honest, at least for us the cons outweighed the pros

In short, you're never sure of anything in life ! That, in and of itself, would not dissuade me, but I appreciate that we're all different.

That was very much my attitude when I was deciding on having 2 children, but by the time it came to deciding on the third I knew I had to think about my other 2 children and my responsibility to them so thought about this a lot more than I ever did before. I have a friend whose third child has SEN and it has thrown their world into a spin, I can't talk for her, but the thought terrifies me, we have such a lovely life in a good routine, having a child that needed additional support would be so difficult for me and our children, it feels like such a roll of the dice, especially now I'm not as young as I was having my first 2.

Yes I think I agree @user97495 I'm definitely thinking about it more this time around. I'm abit older as you say, and my body abit more knackered!

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah I just had my third 13 weeks ago. My older two are 8 and just turned 6 last week. I waited for 5 years just to make sure I really wanted another, to enjoy the two we have, progress in work and give myself time to recover. My kids aren't great sleepers and first is worse than second. In the end I knew I'll regret not having a third as I always felt someone was missing. Now it feels complete and I've started giving away baby things I held on to for eight years. I was three weeks from my 35th birthday when my third was born, not sure if it is relevant I'm an only child.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah so car seat has arrived and we've done some testing it out, so as promised passing on our findings, re the vauxhall zafira. So for reference the seats we have are a britax romer kidfix m I size for the 5 year old, a maxi Cosi two way pearl on a 2 way fix base for the 2 year old and a maxi Cosi pebble on a 2 way fix base for the baby.
So first we tried the britax romer in the zafira's back back seat. There is no isofix in this seat but the car seat can be used both ways. However the car seat very slightly overhangs the seat, as the far back seat is smaller than a regular seat. Also it seemed quite wobbly especially without a child in it, but even with it was too wobbly for us to consider it an option.
Next we tried three in a row across the back seat. Now they do fit with a bit of wrangling. The belt for the oldest kids seat will be very difficult to do up though. However we both felt it didn't really feel that safe as the seat belt anchors were basically trapped between the car seats. Thought this could be a buckle crunch issue? Also we thought about when baby was in a second stage seat (which would be around the same time our two year old will be in a high back booster and there is absolutely no way two of the high back boosters would fit with a toddler seat. So long and short of it is we will be getting a new car.