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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
GinJeanie · 13/08/2021 22:44

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah - aww, I really do wish you all the best and am sorry you've had a tough time. I do know how painful losing a baby is and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Take care

MsTSwift · 13/08/2021 23:00

Yes of course that’s right 🙄. We are jealous and pathetic because we are concerned for our children (and your children’s too actually) future. Why do you think we are taking this view?! To be mean?! Fuck I wish it wasn’t true either and op could have 10 babies and I could fly the world with my girls and we would all merrily wish each other well. But we are really not in that scenario. Ignoring it doesn’t make it ok.

Horst · 13/08/2021 23:02

We had two, he wanted another and I didn’t mind.

Three is something it’s lovely when it’s lovely but when it’s a bad day it’s a bad day.

We have days where the eldest is playing nicely building with the younger two and days when the eldest uses the youngest as his minion to bully the middle it’s not nice on those days.

We have a 7 seater as we need the bigger boot space for most things, even the big monthly shop before the weekly top ups. Three sets of school uniforms, three sets of homework, three sets this year of home learning. Being at three very different stages in childhood the oldest and middles are preteens pretty much the youngest just a school starter.

We don’t holiday aboard so don’t find the jump from 4-5 a huge difference cost wise as we hire statics, go camping etc around the U.K. and it’s normally 4 Berth, 6berth or 8berth and we always booked 8 anyway so the boy and girl didn’t have to share.

Indoctro · 13/08/2021 23:21

The world is overpopulated. No one needs three kids. Take responsibility for the future of this planet and your current children's futures. People need to stop having so many kids.

Imcatmum · 13/08/2021 23:56

I've 4. No SN at all and individually pretty easy kids. It's been relentless and exhausting. Expensive. I often look at families of two kids and think how much easier it looks. Not that two is easy! But it's a hell of a lot easier. Anytime I only have two to mind, it's heaven. I honestly think 2 kids is the ideal place to stop. Three is a big tipping point. You'll never regret the child but you may well regret the situation you put your family in.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 14/08/2021 06:17

Thanks @Imcatmum that's a really interesting way of putting it

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 14/08/2021 06:53

Lockdown has been quite nice really with them at home and I have been very aware of that privelege when other people's teens have struggled as singletons or only boy/girl at home.

Yeah, that reflects our experience. DH and I could both WFH were in secure jobs and having 3DC and a big house and garden meant lockdown was quite manageable. With 3DC there are more combinations of how they interact with each other, and it removed the older DDs (now 12 & 13) from peer pressure for a bit and able to hold onto their childhood for longer while they played with their younger DBro. They've all got stronger relationships with each other now which has been a positive for us.

IloveJudgeJudy · 14/08/2021 08:32

I haven't rtft. We have three. The third (DS2) was the most challenging when younger but now he's great. He's calm, doing really well in his career (in aeronautical engineering via an apprenticeship not uni) so don't regret having three at all. It hasn't been all rosy, obviously, and there's the cost of holidays etc, in fact just general costs but life is great.

ThymeafterThyme · 14/08/2021 09:53

OP - it sounds to me like you desperately want a girl, that's why you don't feel that you or your family are complete. If I were you, I'd enjoy the family you've got rather than get tied up in knots with what ifs and if only...

What I don't get is why you are so focused on the cost of wraparound child care costs. Surely the joy of having 3 young DC is picking them up from school, doing after school activities with them and enjoying the school holidays?

user97495 · 14/08/2021 09:58

@ThymeafterThyme

A) not sure where you've interpreted that she's desperate for a girl, it doesn't sound like that to me at all, plenty of parents talk about feeling like "someone is missing" when they have both sexes already.

B) your point about the "joy of parenting" is incredibly patronising and ridiculous. Parents are allowed to work, be it because they need to or want to, the "joy" of parenting is not just found on the school run, can't say I've found any bloody joy there! Working parents are allowed children too, requiring wraparound care does not disqualify someone from having a child.

ThymeafterThyme · 14/08/2021 10:27

Parents are allowed to work, be it because they need to or want to, the "joy" of parenting is not just found on the school run, can't say I've found any bloody joy there!

Depends what you mean by "school run" as you call it. I'm no earth mother (worked part time for years) but I enjoyed picking DD up from primary school, going to a cafe, taking her to swimming/gymnastics, having her friends over to play or just relaxing at home. School holidays were more of the same with day trips too.

That for me was the joy of parenting and I'd assume someone who wanted 3 DC would want that too; time to enjoy their DC all together and give them one to one time. I was one of four, both parents worked full time and my mum was frazzled - my dad not so much. Wonder why Smile

OP is asking for opinions and experience. This is mine.

user97495 · 14/08/2021 10:34

@ThymeafterThyme why would you assume that's what someone who wants 3 kids would want because you enjoy going to a cafe after the school run? What a bizarre and ignorant assumption. Either way, people need wraparound care for lots of reasons and shouldn't be judged for it because you've got some warped picture of what a mother of 3 looks like.

Booboosweet · 14/08/2021 10:39

But it's not about whether you want to work or not, most people have to work. I'd love to collect my child from school but i have to work full time so wraparound is a necessity. I'm sure plenty of working parents are in the same boat.

ThymeafterThyme · 14/08/2021 11:13

user97495 - stop being so rude. I come on MN to engage in discussions, not get into a spat with stranger. And stop misquoting me. I didn't say after school activities were limited to going to a cafe ...

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 14/08/2021 12:09

@ThymeafterThyme sorry but you are completely wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 14/08/2021 12:10

And by that, I mean your opinion if me is wrong. What you chose to do is up to you.

OP posts:
AudacityBaby · 14/08/2021 12:47

I work with someone who has 5 kids and drives them around in a massive diesel car, and she works in climate change policy. She spends most of her time lecturing everyone else about the world her children will grow up in. I’m infertile, so no kids, don’t eat meat, don’t drive, fly max once per year. I keep my mouth shut but it does drive me mad. She also has a habit of saying people like me cancel her out - I’ve seen that on this thread, and it’s so insensitive.

Anyway - point being, the environment would say please don’t do this, and I think that’s the overwhelming factor for me. We all need to be mindful, not just parents - but having another child is the most impactful choice you can make. It far outweighs driving, eating meat and flying frequently.

MsTSwift · 14/08/2021 21:41

Urgh she sounds dreadful! Five kids and lecturing others I would be struggling to bite my tongue!

DollyD65 · 15/08/2021 05:24

So sorry you lost your unplanned baby OP. Same thing happened to me, but it was the second baby not the third. I only ever really wanted one but somehow losing the unplanned second made me ( inexplicably) think that I was destined to have two and I went on to have a second successful pregnancy.
I don't regret having both my boys, and love them unconditionally.
However if it was now, I wouldn't have a second, I'm not sure I would even have a first (easy to say, I know when I have two)
The future is precarious, the world is overpopulated with humans consuming way too many resources. If you are unsure about a 3rd, I would make environmental impact part of your decision and read the IPCC report, if you haven't already.

episcomama · 15/08/2021 05:50

Everything that people say about increased costs is true; the world is designed for the nuclear family of four.

But we have three and I wouldn't change it for the world - for anything - and for us it's been worth every single awkward holiday hotel room configuration 😀

Our three are 13, 10 and 7. The age gaps work well and we are complete as a family. I knew the second that I held our third that our family was complete. If you are thinking you want another, do it.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/08/2021 08:44

One final thought. Any chance that you could take a career break for maybe three years- where the employer agreed you going back after that time but you are unpaid. That way you get over the really tricky early years cost? Many employers will do this, to retain experience, but don't really advertise that they do.

Tunnocks34 · 15/08/2021 09:08

I have three and I’d do it again in a heart beat. Personally wasn’t much more difficult that 2 - this will differ from person to person obviously. But I think there are somethings you do need to consider

  1. childcare - I’m a teacher as is my husband so our childcare costs are lower than average. I also have my grandparents do 50% of the pre school childcare

  2. we currently spend £300 a month on extra curricular and that doesn’t include our youngest who is still 2

  3. we had ours in a 3 bed - just moved to a four bed which was necessary I felt. We do have a 5 seater car which fits us all at squeeze but when the lease is up, we’ll likely need to get a 7 seater for comfort.

It comes down to your situation I guess. Our household income is around £80k per year and we have plenty of money although not rolling in it, obviously as we have the holidays at home we find we have plenty of time for the most part too.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 15/08/2021 10:06

Thanks @Tunnocks34, that's more than I thought on extra curricular activities. Our childcare bills are actually much lower than most, my children go to a childminder and we have a great deal. They only go three days a week and now I'm wfh I can drop them off 15min before work and my husband picks them up at 3. Going forward we are hoping this will stay the same but obviously we have to account for the summer holidays when potentially we would have three children in care three full days a week. Once all the kids are at school I would up to four days a week and that would put us in a much more comfortable position. I think it's doable but it's a stretch for the next three years or so and that's what we need to work out from the financial side, is it worth it and fair on our current children. We have no intention to move house but would like to extend with or without another baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 15/08/2021 10:17

Thanks @DollyD65 and I am also sorry for your loss.

I will be reading the report as part of the decision Smile

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 15/08/2021 11:00

Sorry OP I’ve only read your posts for the most part and not the replies, but I think you would need to also factor in the general cost of living rises (which wages don’t keep pace with). I know our grocery bill has climbed massively over the past year without us changing our lifestyle particularly to account for it. Gas and electric bills are due to increase significantly this year and presumably over the years to come. The cost of fuel, replacing cars as cars become a target for reducing emissions and so on. On paper we should have a comfortable income but have found over the past year this has been eaten away at by these creeping rises which I imagine will only continue.

We stuck at two. Occasional fleeting pangs for a third, but know now we couldn’t do it - I can’t even work out how we ever afforded full time childcare fees now ours are both at school because there’s nothing left at the end of each month.

Our two do not get along, at all. Four year age gap was too great for shared interests though that is improving slightly as they age but will come up again as eldest hits her teens. But a third would just have created more opportunities for two to gang up against the other and ours don’t need any more encouragement Grin

It’s hard when your children are small but I think if you decide to stop at two, once your boys are both in school you’ll appreciate your decision all the more.