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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 18:55

I am the youngest of four so plenty of experience being part of a big family also. I loved it. Was closest to my eldest sibling actually Smile was happy chaos

OP posts:
Musication · 13/08/2021 18:56

We thought about a third but then didn't and I'm so glad that we stuck to two now. They are 6 and 8 and so easy: they get along well, a third would complicate this relationship I think. They are quite expensive - admissions over the holidays for cinema, holiday activities, the odd meal out would have been notably more with an extra. They always need new shoes which is expensive enough with 2!
Holidays are set up for families of 3-4.
Eldest had turned out to be good at a particular sport which is ramping up with weekly hours - it is hard enough working and getting her to these sessions with one extra kid, I can't imagine being able to do it with another two and she would then miss out. I absolutely love having two slightly older DC and I'm glad we stuck at 2 for financial and time reasons.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 19:01

Thanks @Musication. I have just brought my eldest his first school shoes and I can imagine x3 it would be a scary bill! I've had a wonderful day with my two today and I love watching them play together now my youngest is that bit older 😍 it's nice to get involved with them too, chasing them, hiding etc whereas I do remember everything being so difficult to do when I was pregnant or bfeeding, with my eldest as a toddler.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 13/08/2021 19:02

Do it no one can stop you. But many people are properly concerned now by these latest findings so you won’t achieve across the board endorsement for your choices as you may have done 10 years ago.

Musication · 13/08/2021 19:03

I think if you did have a third you're unlikely to destroy the environment though, because so many people are having less than 2; one or none so it balances out these days. The birth rate is below 2 in the UK. If I look at DHs family for example, his dad was 1 of 3 and each of those 3 children had 3 children so there are 9 cousins. Of those 9, not a single one has 3. 3 of them have two, 2 of them have 1 and will stick with 1, the rest have none and will be very unlikely to have any.
Reasons are some had their one and only on the older side biologically, and the rest just don't want any.
Many of my DCs friends are only children.

Musication · 13/08/2021 19:05

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

Thanks *@Musication*. I have just brought my eldest his first school shoes and I can imagine x3 it would be a scary bill! I've had a wonderful day with my two today and I love watching them play together now my youngest is that bit older 😍 it's nice to get involved with them too, chasing them, hiding etc whereas I do remember everything being so difficult to do when I was pregnant or bfeeding, with my eldest as a toddler.
Remember this! And remember at their ages you're probably not paying admissions fees for anything- it stacks up once they're both over 5. Then if you get one that ends up good at something it sucks up time and money. Also, I was a third and my mum adored me but I was a few years younger than the others and my life was being dragged around to their activities, and then having no one to play with at weekends and holidays as they played with each other and left me out. Not maliciously, 3 just was a bad number and I was younger by 4 years whilst they were closer together in age. It sucked a bit I just hung out with my mum all the time!
AmazinglyGraceless · 13/08/2021 19:06

I have three and in your shoes would aim for a bigger gap.

Mine are now 13, 11 and 4.

Ds2 is starting Y7 in Sept...the collective cost of the uniform/equipment I'll have to buy this month for dc1 and 2 is about £650. Dc3 about £40 total!

Dc1 has his first abroad school trip next year which is £1k. Ds2 will have his the year after, another £1k. Every activity is £££££££ at their age. Just buying a pair of trousers for dc1 now costs a fortune as he's in man sizes.

It's affordable for us but Christ they're expensive at age 10+. People always say they are but I assumed these were the type of people buying designer gear and living extravagant lives. Nope 😂

I'm VERY glad that we have a gap and don't have dc3 coming up a year or two behind dc2!

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 19:07

@MsTSwift I know noone can stop me. As I have said before I am not on here for permission I was asking for advice from people that have made similar decisions, lived with regret one way or another or had wisdom to pass on and I am very grateful for all of the responses. We aren't anywhere near a decision Fwiw, its a huge choice so not one we will take lightly. I have no issue with anything you or anyone else has said until people get called names, labelled or shunned for doing something you don't agree with.

OP posts:
wellerhugs5 · 13/08/2021 19:11

@HermioneKipper

We were in exactly this situation (well, still are as nothing dire has happened miraculously!).

We were aiming for (and hoping for) 2, but got a 'Brucie Bonus'.

3 is bloody hard work for all the reasons you've already mentioned. But having 2 newborns was hellish Grin.
OP you may have twins!

TillyTopper · 13/08/2021 19:16

No I wouldn't have another: (1) kids take a lot of time and attention in my view. It's easier to give effective help and support to two than three (spread too thinly). (2) I also think that post the A level/college stage it would be too much to support 3 at Uni - 2 is bad enough! (Our 2 are at that stage at the moment). (3) You'd need to move house otherwise they have to share rooms, not idea once they are teens.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 19:25

Thanks everyone. I blame hormones tbh. I think it's a case that my body wants a baby. My head is thinking practically and that is the bit keeping me up at night!

OP posts:
Tickledtrout · 13/08/2021 19:29

Three DD here. Has always felt right. I'm one of three too so maybe that's why.

I like the fact that you have to break the mould when you gave three if I'm honest. You have to find your own way. Mine swapped uniform, shared hockey kit ( because they preferred to, not because I made them) even passed on school shoes for the last weeks of term ( they are the same size) etc
By the way it's common for teens to get jobs to save for university, even though we have saved for them from birth and can afford to keep and supplement their loans It's an important life skill, I think and they're off school after A levels, and between university years, for three or four months at a time.

We run slightly older cars because it's a waste to buy new and self cater most holidays even abroad. Yha and Premier Inn city breaks. So not hard up but old fashioned in many ways, I think.
Out celebrating middle child's GCSEs last night and could not be prouder. They are the best company for each other and for me. Lockdown has been quite nice really with them at home and I have been very aware of that privelege when other people's teens have struggled as singletons or only boy/girl at home.
I've always worked pt and now back ft for a promotion. Money is useful, for sure.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 19:29

Regarding the house issue, we've always had it in our minds to extend into the loft so the kids would be on one floor and we would vacate up a level. Our neighbours have recently done the same extension. We don't want to move geographically as we are way to invested in where we live (location, location, location!). It does mean I have it in on the radar the cost of the extension top!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 19:29

Too sorry!

OP posts:
GinJeanie · 13/08/2021 20:26

@Musication

I think if you did have a third you're unlikely to destroy the environment though, because so many people are having less than 2; one or none so it balances out these days. The birth rate is below 2 in the UK. If I look at DHs family for example, his dad was 1 of 3 and each of those 3 children had 3 children so there are 9 cousins. Of those 9, not a single one has 3. 3 of them have two, 2 of them have 1 and will stick with 1, the rest have none and will be very unlikely to have any. Reasons are some had their one and only on the older side biologically, and the rest just don't want any. Many of my DCs friends are only children.
I fear the ship has already sailed tbh (although I'm usually an optimist and pray this isn't the case). Tbh, it's about what sort of future the children themselves (who are born now) will have - it's about them, rather than our desires. I guess it's about imagining 30 years time and what the world will be like if parts of the planet become less and less habitable. Not whether we (who would like to have babies) can take up someone else's quota.
Hardbackwriter · 13/08/2021 20:44

Tbh, it's about what sort of future the children themselves (who are born now) will have - it's about them, rather than our desires. I guess it's about imagining 30 years time and what the world will be like if parts of the planet become less and less habitable. Not whether we (who would like to have babies) can take up someone else's quota.

But in that case it's irrelevant that the OP is talking about having a third - presumably you'd be advising against if she was asking whether to have a first child?

Bluebellsinparadise · 13/08/2021 20:56

I feel for the OP. She came here asking for experiences from those who’ve had a third child and has faced a barrage of posts criticising her for daring to consider a third child due to the environmental impact.

I do understand and sympathise with this view. I’ve not had another child due to climate change myself. But I don’t think it’s healthy to view people who have larger families are ‘selfish’ ‘greedy’ and ‘tone deaf’. That’s really horrid and this type of zealotry is what turns ordinary folk off the environmental movement.

I’ve got news for you..... Guardian reading, middle class folk alone are not going to be able to tackle the climate crisis alone. YOU NEED TO BRING EVERYONE ALONG WITH YOU! Hating on people having more than 2 children makes you look like extremists and just turns people off. I hope you don’t share these views in public.

Sorry for derailing the thread OP, but I just wanted to get that off my chest!

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 21:03

@Bluebellsinparadise couldn't agree more, thank you for posting. This is why I said people are now just preaching. I 100% agree environmental issues are a concern, I have not once denyed it, but calling those that have had a third child, idiots, selfish, deluded is not the way to go.. In fact it's just made me irritated and abit sad. I lost an unplanned baby, should I be pleased or relieved because I now haven't made an additional burden on earth.. I don't think so.
I will consider the environmental impact alongside all of the other things which have been brought up on this thread. There have been some lovely stories, some real honesty and alot of extremely good points to think about. I am grateful for everyone that has took the time to post and share their story.

OP posts:
burritofan · 13/08/2021 21:05

Also no need to have pets, cars, big houses with or without a person per room to fill it.
You’re so, so close to an environmental revelation here, just connect the dots…

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 21:15

My point is the people that are criticising me are probably not as 'eco' as they may think..... But what do I know. I'm a selfish uneducated idiot posting on mumsnet about CONSIDERING a baby Hmm

OP posts:
ttcsucks · 13/08/2021 21:45

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

My point is the people that are criticising me are probably not as 'eco' as they may think..... But what do I know. I'm a selfish uneducated idiot posting on mumsnet about CONSIDERING a baby Hmm
Completely agree OP I bet they're the biggest hypocrites,

They probably drive 4x4s, use planes, regularly but new clothes, eat meat etc etc

Ignore them they're probably just jealous you have the finances to consider a third child.

Pathetic people.

GinJeanie · 13/08/2021 22:18

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah - you're posting in AIBU so you will never get everyone agreeing with you. It's not a great board in that respect because you'll get every view and they're often all valid. You asked if you were being unreasonable. I think people should be able to live their lives and make their own choices but we don't usually ask folk on the street what they think. We wouldn't like all the answers.
The people who've mentioned the environment are probably just scared by what they've been witnessing in the media rather than preaching - I'm scared for my own kids! I keep that to myself irl though as we need to live in the now. I'm sorry you've been upset by the environmental arguments and obviously you will do what's right for you and your family. However, being anxious/feeling helpless doesn't make people hypocritical. I definitely don't drive a 4x4 or go on lavish holidays @ttcsucks, I'm a lowly teacher 😆! All the best Flowers

ladygindiva · 13/08/2021 22:18

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

For the record I absolutely do not, at all, want a third baby to have a girl. It doesn't matter to me at all what sex they are.
I say go for it if you want to then. I have 3, numbers 2 and 3 are twins so I didn't plan to have 3 iyswim but wouldn't change a thing.
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/08/2021 22:33

@GinJeanie absolutely, and thanks for your well wishes. Its not my first post in aibu (I've name changed a fair bit) and oh I've been burned...🙈 I don't expect everyone to agree I would just appreciate abit of a fair fight, some people are coming on here pouring their hearts out, giving me their stories and admitting regrets which must be very hard to do and others... Well. I just agree with what a PP said in that you can get your point across and give an opinion or you can stamp you feet and tell people that you think you are right...perhaps I've misinterpreted some of the messages but some lean into the second camp imo. It's OK in any case, I totally understand the environmental concerns, I've seen the news and I'm not currently on mars 😂

Best wishes and thanks for your post. Not sure what the outcome will be but I'm still very grateful, and always will be, for my two lovely boys and can guarantee that my first thought in all of this is my children's future (whatever number of children that is)

OP posts:
Intercity225 · 13/08/2021 22:43

I only wanted 2 children, and did not expect to have twins the second time, so we ended up with three. I found the world is designed for a family of four - from packs of meat in supermarkets, to cars, to 3 bedroom houses.....Everything for five is more expensive.

However, what I would really say is one of mine had SEN (and later I found the other one did too). Life was an unrelenting slog, dealing with education, the NHS and social services - who all tried to push the responsibility onto somebody else. We had to fight tooth and nail for everything, to the detriment of our own health.

I would say, if you have two healthy children, count yourself lucky and don't tempt fate by having a third! Your life could be completely different from what you imagine! (It's like living on another planet, where you can see people on Earth through glass; but your life is just so different)