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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
Oversize · 10/08/2021 14:58

University costs are horrendous. The reduction for having more than 1 there at a time is tiny. So start saving and planning because of gap years and 4 year courses.
I also agree strongly with a PP about how hard it is to divide time and attention between 3 rather than 2.

SafeMove · 10/08/2021 14:59

And my last is a girl, she has two older brothers. I wouldn't swap the experience of the difference watching boys and girls grow for all the tea in china. It has taught me a lot about myself, about aging and about I am a shit hot project manager now and that is because of parenting and not my many degrees! For a more positive slant.

Wjevtvha · 10/08/2021 15:00

I’ve always wanted 3 but decided to stop at 2 for - few reasons - finances is a big one (house, activities, childcare, holidays!), also my career as can’t imagine being able to work in my stressful job with 3 plus taking another year off will impact and days off when they’re sick etc, my relationship with DH would survive it but I want a bit more than just surviving it and also time to myself is already in very short supply and time with each DC.

Babdoc · 10/08/2021 15:03

58.6 metric tonnes per year of carbon footprint, for every extra child.
That’s the environmental cost. When our planet is already grossly overpopulated and facing severe climate change.
Please don’t do it. It’s the single worst thing you can do, outranking taking long haul flights, owning diesel cars, gas boilers, whatever other carbon footprint crimes you may be committing.
Protect the planet for your two existing children, or they won’t have a future.

Ladyrattles · 10/08/2021 15:05

I had 3. It was really lovely when they were growing up. They could be a handful but tbh it wasn't much harder than having 2. In the early years it's a little more pricey eg school clothes/shoes but having our surprise 3rd baby wasn't something we ever regretted. Our rented 3 bed house was a perfect size for our family and we had a happy home. Once they were 14+ it got a little bit more expensive eg school trips and our house started to feel a little small, so we've bought a 4 bed now they are older. But no regrets at any time.

gogohm · 10/08/2021 15:05

Fast forward the clock, assuming you are still together and have average jobs (eg £30k a piece) you will need to find £5k per child per year for the parental means tested part of the maintenance for university, courses can be as much as 5 years per child. (Based on 2021 prices)

MouseInCatsClaws · 10/08/2021 15:05

My third pregnancy turned out to be twins! So I'm mum to four and regret nothing!
I do agree about the difficulty of giving one to one attention, and of course they cost a fortune, all true.
However the greatest joy in my life is watching my children play together, they are very tight knit. But of course there is no guarantee siblings will get along.
One other thing I would consider is how you would cope with a child with a disability or extra needs. But based on my own experience I highly recommend going again

toolazytothinkofausername · 10/08/2021 15:05

@LaikO

Just following as we also have 2 but will (all going well) be stopping at 4 or 5, so it'll be good to know how to prepare.
Seriously? Think of the planet!
Coffeeonmytoffee · 10/08/2021 15:07

It’s so expensive. Love her but it is ££££££ a real indulgence.

PattyPan · 10/08/2021 15:07

The best thing anyone can do for the environment is have one fewer child. For the sake of your two existing children, please read the IPCC report.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/08/2021 15:08

Three is so much more expensive than two.

Three lots of activities etc.

And going on holiday, days out etc is really expensive because everything is set up for families of four.

Plus no one will look after Three, grandparents and friends etc so you never ever get a break as a couple.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 10/08/2021 15:11

@Dishwashersaurous

Three is so much more expensive than two.

Three lots of activities etc.

And going on holiday, days out etc is really expensive because everything is set up for families of four.

Plus no one will look after Three, grandparents and friends etc so you never ever get a break as a couple.

You either have hard to look after kids or not very nice friends and family!!

I have 3 and people are willing to help out.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/08/2021 15:13

Plus childcare for three is really expensive. Remember that up to 11 they will need looking after in the holidays when you work

SoniaD · 10/08/2021 15:14

Zero bad experiences, all good! I have two boys close in age and a little girl with three years between her and my youngest boy. They are 8, 7 and 4 now. My only regret is I wish we had her sooner! My advice is not to over think it. :)

Dishwashersaurous · 10/08/2021 15:14

My kids are very very behaved. But I and all my friends with three have found that grandparents etc won't look after them all together.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/08/2021 15:14

we have 7 so I'm biased but yeah, have another.

a friend had 4 kids & another had 3, all with C-sections so if you are up for that it can be done.
you could possibly try for a VBAC and having had a MC doesn't mean your next pg won't be successful (I had ELSC with DS4, then a MC, then 3 healthy babies & no complications with VBAC)

whatever you decide, best of luck

SoniaD · 10/08/2021 15:15

PS don't stress about house size for at least 10 years down the line .. we have 5 bedrooms and all of our kids have slept in the same room for the past year, I don't see it changing any time soon. They love it! They will probably want their own space when they are teenagers.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 10/08/2021 15:16

@Dishwashersaurous

My kids are very very behaved. But I and all my friends with three have found that grandparents etc won't look after them all together.
Oh no, that's sad. My mum and MIL really enjoy it. Its only twice a year as we all live far away from each other. But they do look after all 3 of them for a weekend.
NameChange74567 · 10/08/2021 15:17

I wouldn't have TTC again after my 2nd, but I fell pregnant and I decided to continued the pregnancy. I had 2 under 2 and a 5yo. I love having 3 and wouldn't be without any of them but sometime I feel like one is missing out. We had to move house as we needed an extra bedroom. We had to buy a bigger car to fit 3 car seats in the back. Ds still wasn't sleeping through the night when DD 2 was born, so felt like I was up most of the night. A year later neither of them sleep through but they don't wake as often. There isn't a day where I am up to date with the washing where everything is washed, dried and put away. I have been looking at holidays which are now costing a small fortune because most hotels say we need two rooms. Two sets of nursery fees are costing us nearly £400 per week. None of our family want to look after them for even a few hours because they are 'hard work', so DH and I haven't had any time just to two of us in years. The house is always noisy, and I'm forever telling someone stop doing something. One gets excited, the other copy and before you know it it's chaos.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/08/2021 15:18

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun

Can I please borrow your mum

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 10/08/2021 15:20

@Dishwashersaurous

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun

Can I please borrow your mum

Of course. I'll ask her!
Dishwashersaurous · 10/08/2021 15:20

Oh god yes two hotel rooms or cottages won't allow you to book a two bed cottage as not enough beds, even though kids could share a bed.

Three is wonderful and amazing but just so so expensive. So honestly unless at the moment you have lots of spare cash I wouldn't

ChameleonKola · 10/08/2021 15:23

@User135792468

Three is hard work. I love them to bits but not sure I’d pick having 3 again. The financial side is immense, big house, big car, holidays, paying for university for 3, 3 learning to drive / cars, 3 house deposits. I’m split in 3 now but when we have grandchildren and I’m needed to help, then I’m going to be even more exhausted.
You never have to help with grandchildren! Only if you actually want to and are able to practically. Please don’t feel you have to exhaust yourself because you’re ‘needed to help’ with grandchildren.
Stickytreacle · 10/08/2021 15:25

I wouldn't, as your children get older their needs and expenses also change, plus after having a child with a life threatening illness,the stress on the other child and inability to give them the attention they needed was hard and lasted years. I can only imagine how much more difficult an additional child would have made things.
The environmental impact has to be considered but in all honesty I don't envy our future generations and I wouldn't want to bring a child into a world facing such terrible issues.

cheeseismydownfall · 10/08/2021 15:27

In your position I wouldn't.

We have three but are fortunate that we are very comfortable financially and so there are no compromises in terms of (not) sharing rooms, holidays, paying for hobbies etc.

Personally I would discount the experience of anyone without at least one child of teen age. The logistics of managing three primary school children are a walk in the park compared to supporting/juggling three teens/tweens, as they stop being 'the pack' and become three unique individuals with different likes and dislikes.