To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

Who has come up with the number of 2 children being ok but 3 is definitely not ok for the planet.

I assume the logic behind it is that you're simply replacing yourself and your partner with two, not adding extras?

Thank you. That’s what I was thinking too, but people are living way longer and there is likely to be grandparents and even grandparents still alive.

I would like to see some figures about it, to understand it.
It’s like when I found out how long balloons took to break down and how bad they are for the environment, I suddenly looked at balloons and thought they were disgusting and unnecessary. I feel people are starting to look at families with more than 2 children like I look at the balloons, and there are no figures to back this thinking up.

Why is 2 ok and 3 not ok all of a sudden.

I also wonder about the people who have decided to have no children because of the environment, like they are the very people who should be having children or the world will just be full of children of people who don’t recycle in a few years.

I have 3, 2 would have been so much easier and I think the older 2 would have been much happier if my attention had been kept in them instead of having a 3rd. Obviously it really depends on their personalities and how well they get on, but I found that going from 2 to 3 kids meant that I could no longer effectively manage each child and their relationships with each other. With 2 kids you have one relationship to manage between the pair of them, with 3 kids there are multiple dynamics and often you cannot intervene with the bickering couple because you have your hands full with the 3rd. I was really run ragged in the early years - and even now, I struggle to find enough time to be with each after ferrying them around everywhere to their different places, so I have no time of my own. I love them all dearly but sadly sometimes I really look forward to them leaving home so that I can get my life back and some time for myself. If you have a partner who is able to help then it would be a lot easier, however.

I feel people are starting to look at families with more than 2 children like I look at the balloons

My son does this, he watched the Netflix David Attenborough documentary who explicitly spoke about the impact of larger families and my son (10) simply can't understand why anyone has more than 2, he feels like this major public service warning has been made and we are all just ignoring it, he gets quite upset actually.

I think this view is becoming more prevalent. It seems to be greedy somehow and taking more of limited resources for yourself. I think if you plan a larger family going forward you will need a very thick skin.

I don’t think concerns about over population are “all of a sudden”! I remember studying this in human geography in the late 80s it’s concerned me ever since.

Thomas Malthus theory.

Dd had a ‘surprise’ 3rd, after they’d decided to be sensible and stop at two. But she said she’d always felt that someone was missing.

House is just big enough, but they needed a bigger car almost immediately. Plus a bit later, starting again with childcare costs, etc.
But absolutely no regrets AFAIK - little one is a joy.

The population needs to be in a decline for its longer term survival, which may make for our current generation having a hard time in old age as we wont have enough people to provide our care, however that may need to happen in order for the human race to continue and not self distrust with over population.

2 I feel is the given number as its replacing yourself and partner, I think 1 is better, but think its valid to want your child to have at least one sibling.

Even not just environmentally, I feel it is inconsiderate to have lots of children in terms of resources. Children struggle to get placed in schools in their catchment, or have to go to a different school than a sibling while someone has 5 kids in the same school, children and teens are struggling to be seen by CAMHs. Every child is taking up something, a waiting list for a school, a referral for a service and hospital care when they are unwell/being born etc.

And to whoever said the comment about people mentioning the environment but will fly. Someone flying to go on holiday once/twice a year will not even come anywhere remotely close to the impact having a 3rd/4th/5th child would have. You arent just having a baby, you are having a human being who will go on to drive, have holidays, use up resources and contribute for the demand of more plastic and items to be produced in the future.

@Oversize

Honestly - don't. All the usual caveats about loving DC3 every bit as much as the others...wouldn't be without them etc but if I had the decision to make again I'd say don't.

If you want a child of the opposite sex you have a high chance of not getting that.
If you do have one of the opposite sex that could bring issues of its own.
Also:
Expense
Hassle
Extending the time before you get your own life back

All of this and I’d add in as a consideration - what if a third DC was born with disabilities? How much of a burden would that put on the other two? How much would the other two miss out on if you had to stretch your money to cover a third? And if they had to share space etc?

You need to think about your existing DC in all of this too.

Your decision but if its about getting a third child of the misding sex I'd point out I know LOADS of people with 3,4 or even 5 kids of the same sex who kept trying for that elusive boy/girl.

After the news this week, it’s so depressing to see that some people think we can just carry on as we are. And are just concerned about projecting whether they can financially afford 3 or more children in the future. That’s all irrelevant if there is no future for those children 🙁
People always used to say you never regret having another child but I think give it a couple more decades and I think we will regret bringing more humans onto this planet that we’ve destroyed

For the record I absolutely do not, at all, want a third baby to have a girl. It doesn't matter to me at all what sex they are.

1. The worst thing you can do for the environment
2. You take your focus off one child for a second and something goes wrong
3. So much juggling and planning and organising with childcare etc +difficulties going back to work and even greater chance of having to have days /time off with sick kids.
4. Always the risk that your new child could have a disability which could effect your other children's lives.

Those are my top 4 reasons against. Nevertheless.... I had an accidental third and I absolutely LOVE him and am so glad I have him.

@MsTSwift

I think this view is becoming more prevalent. It seems to be greedy somehow and taking more of limited resources for yourself. I think if you plan a larger family going forward you will need a very thick skin.

Totally agree with this. I think previously having a large family (more than 3) was seen as charming, eccentric maybe a bit bohemian. Whereas now it’s viewed as selfish, greedy and deluded.
I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future there was enforced family planning as they used to have in China

I have four. Always talked about three.

Things to consider are that they grow. They turn into teens who need space and lots of food and in same ways they are more emotionally draining as teens than toddlers.

Two > three was a doddle for me. However my third turned out to have ASD and my first was a school refusing teen. My middle one also got diagnosed with SEN and then I had a massive battle which was all consuming for four years to get a ehcp. We also eventually bought a house to massively extend it.

So. In short, if you have three easy kids it's fine. Three not so easy kids and you will be busy. I had to put my carer on hold to juggle things and had no choice but in finding a way to get a bigger house which actually has been a great bonus of not having two kids. I would never taken on such a project otherwise.

I think there are pros and cons. The truth is it does dilute everything the more kids you have. Your time will be spread out and that's a fact. We have no family help at all ever. I dont regret it at all.

Deluded. Really

Do you @MsTSwift or @IrishGirl2020 know anyone with more than >2 children? presumably you couldn't associate yourselves with such deluded, greedy selfish people. Do you gasp of someone keeps a suprise third or is that OK?

Sorry but it's going from advice to preaching...

Sorry I would actually describe it as 'attacking'

Obviously touched a nerve 🙄. You are an anonymous random and asked for an opinion which was given.

I would not comment on friends or family choices unless they asked me outright then yes I would politely say my view. They know we stopped at 2 for environmental reasons so can join the dots if they wished.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah
I know plenty - I am Irish after all 😂
When I first moved to the UK I was amused to hear that 4 was considered a large family as that was pretty average, small even, when I was growing up.
But I don’t know many families who’ve had a 3rd or more in the last couple of years with all the climate change warnings we’ve had. It seems more difficult to justify now I think

I know someone with three children and as I myself am the eldest of four, I have direct experience of being part of a larger family.

The person with three children - the third was a a surprise. She went through with the pregnancy, although she debated ending it despite being a secure, long-term relationship. She was happy with two and would've completed her family there.

The third, although she loves them to bits and they've brought great joy, was probably one too many in terms of her attention span and capacity to cope. Having them also triggered a health issue that she hadn't experienced prior to that third pregnancy, but will now have to be medicated for long-term.

From my perspective, my own DM never had enough time for any of us really. My siblings and I all have one child.

The climate change report on Monday terrifies me. I honestly wouldn't consider having another child on the basis of that report.

Opinions, advice, fine. Being rude is unnecessary IMO. We're all grown ups here I think...

Look I wish it wasn’t so either but seems it is so we have to act accordingly. I bloody love air travel. It sucks.