Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

Yeah I really don’t know because I genuinely haven’t seen what you are describing. I’ve been thinking about it carefully, and genuinely can’t think of one person where this is true. Possibly one where the eldest son moved to America and has gone a bit off the radar. Other than that all the men I know (of my generation and that of my children) are very close to their families. Actually no, there is one other person that I can think of, but that is to do with a completely different situation and nothing to do with his gender. I just don’t know….

You sound like my MIL and your son sounds like my DH (although your son sounds fairly healthy emotionally in that he does actually seek out therapy/support when upset - my DH just bottles it up).

Anyway, my MIL is warm, friendly and engaging, loves to chat on the phone, never forgets a birthday etc. Also has many ongoing health issues, sometimes dramatic.

DH just doesn't enjoy chatting nor see the need to do much social stuff (he does remember birthdays in a rather minimal way). However, I regularly have to explain to MIL that DH's lack of social effort is repeated across all his relationships (including ours) and is not personal to her. And to be fair he hates fuss of all kinds and doesn't much care about presents himself. DH prefers my parents I think, as they do not Do Emotion and don't expect anything from him emotionally. I prefer his tbh, although as MIL has zero insight into the modern workplace, I've had to be firm about extended chats as I'm normally on a deadline.

Us having a DC has somewhat eased things as finally DH has an easy topic of conversation...

In your shoes I think I'd look elsewhere for health sympathy, not write guilt-inducing letters, however well intended and maybe try to set up some kind of regular meetup - lunch once a month or something?

having moved to england from elsewhere - my impression is that in the UK family is definitely more women's work. however, this is obviously not true elsewhere so probably a cultural thing. in most case i know - the wives are definitely closer to their families than husbands. even in our case (both sets live in the same city) DH makes an effort with my family but a lot less with his. Both sets can be emotionally draining but it's easier for him not to feel quite so emotionally drained by mine. i am the opposite and try to avoid mine