Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

[quote jetty21]@Horehound I agree. It's the kind of thing my MIL would do. DH would then send an appropriate response but it wouldn't be sincere, he would do it because he realised that's what MIL wanted him to do.

@IrisAtwood perhaps it's not how you intended it but that's how I see it, and may be how he sees it too. Also perhaps explore why you feel you need to 'prove' why you aren't going, when it was you instigating the visit anyway? It would be different if he had been begging to to come and you kept putting it off then cancelled last minute, but he seems fairly indifferent about it from what you've said.[/quote]
Yes, it's obvious to me too because it's also what my MIL does. Wow, there's a pattern forming here, isn't there?!

It sounds like your desparation is pushing him away.

This.

My mum messages me every day, sometimes up to 5/6 times a day. It pushes me away. I get so many messages I ignore them, in fact I've turned the notifications off as sometimes a message comes through before I've even woken up.

I'm not saying you do this with your DS, just sharing my experience.

This sounds a lot like my family dynamic. All time and energy and attention is spent with in laws, little to none with our family. Sadly, can't see it getting better despite best efforts. It is self-indulged and thoughtless

@Hadtocomment

Haven't read all the thread and lots of great replies better than mine. Just two things. I know a lot of slightly awkward and a bit shy phonephobes. They would do anything but have a chat on the phone. They would rather communicate by email or text than have to speak to a human on the phone. Could he be one of them? Perhaps he is not very in touch with expressing himself emotionally and is awkward and genuinely finds day to day chat or the telephone very hard. Not sure what to suggest but maybe meeting up out and about to do something rather than just chat might be an idea? Take the pressure off the smalltalk? Second thought is some people avoid speaking to people if the person they speak to make them feel bad or guilty a lot. I'm just wondering with the text with the foot and ouch. Like maybe it's saying why haven't you phoned to ask how I am? So then there's pressure if he phones that you might make him feel bad. This might be wide of the mark and more to do with people I've known so please ignore if not helpful. But again perhaps taking down the pressure is a way to begin. You want a demonstration of something off him (that he cares) and he might be aware of it but the sense of expectation inhibits him further. Perhaps taking all the pressure down as far as possible and starting again if any of this is relevant at all. People who are awkward or feel they can't meet some emotional expectation can maybe relax more when that big sense of expectation is removed or when people share an activity that doesn't require just talking or chatting whether Smalltalk (which some people are terrible at and dread) or the past. Maybe you've got into a sort of spiral of feeling hurt and him feeling more awkward and unable to give you what you need. Finding ways to break the spiral could help you both. These situations don't mean people don't care though. From his replies he doesn't sound like he doesn't care to me.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in your post. From personal experience , I would agree with the points you make.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

This sounds a lot like my family dynamic. All time and energy and attention is spent with in laws, little to none with our family. Sadly, can't see it getting better despite best efforts. It is self-indulged and thoughtless

See, you just sound difficult even from this post. No one wants to spend what little free time they have in settings they aren't as keen on. So for whatever reason, (i assume it's a son you have?) Your son spends more time with his wife's family...there is a reason for that.

Also, if all these people who feel it is one sided..I would be interested to know if you spend/spent more time with your parents or your husband's parents..

@IrisAtwood I don't mean to pry and you can choose to not share detail.

But from what I understand, his father abused you. You then left had a difficult divorce and then remarried all by the time he was 3.

Was the trauma, he need counselling for because of the above? You say your acknowledge your part in it. But what part are you acknowledging.

I can't help wonder if counselling has made him realise that it's best for him to keep you and his step dad at arms length.

Maybe he feels he wasn't really considered during his childhood and you just pursued what was best for you. Not saying this is the case, but I wonder if it's all connected. His feelings about the past, influencing your relationship now.

I know people say 'men are allowed to not be in contact alot' and I do agree. Men are judged far less harshly for it, then women are.

But also I don't know anyone who hasn't gone low contact for a reason. Now that reason could simply be the dynamic of the family. The younger person never felt like they were a particularly close family, didn't chat much or spend alot of quality time together. Or it could be something bigger.

I know you said you talked about the past. But I wonder if he held alot back and either can't, or doesn't, want to talk to you about exactly the impact it had on him to a point he feels ready to move on.

I admit I am influence by my dp. He prefers my family. His family had a lot of drama and trauma while he was growing up. He was brought up by his dad and stepmum.

Dp has no interest in moving past what happened. When we visit, its awkward. I actually see them more than him for other reasons. As side from all the drama, in his younger years, his family didn't chat. Didn't go on days out with other people. Didn't socialise in groups.

Dp prefers my family because when we get together, it's relaxed. It's a bigger group of people, the focus isn't on just catching up or the awkward silences. We do argue and are fine 20 mins later. There's not much drama or at least long lasting drama. People can say what they think (obviously within reason) and no one worries about anyone getting super offended.

It took him a little while to get used to it. But now he would choose to see my family over his. I am not going to push him and make him see his. Because he is an adult and can make his own choices. But also because I he talks to me about his feelings so I understand fully.

@Tal45

I think it's a boy thing and a man thing unfortunately. Girls/women make much more effort keeping in touch with people IMO, and much closer to their parents, that's why they see his wife's family all the time.

I agree with this. I have adult DC’s and have friends with adult DC’s and have seen this time and time again. Lots of men are emotionally lazy so if they are expending emotional energy on partners/children they can’t be bothered with parents.

For some reason I think when men invest emotionally in their wives or partners this seems to take up all their emotional energy and parents just fade into the background.
For women, there is a stronger tie to their birth family . This isn’t true for everyone but it seems to be generally the case .

Lots of men are emotionally lazy so if they are expending emotional energy on partners/children they can’t be bothered with parents.

I think most of them just copy what their dad’s did.

It honestly does sound like he is trying to close himself off from you. Obviously none of here can say why or whether he is right to do so or not. You mention a difficult childhood and that he had counseling, could he have tried to tell you how he felt but you weren't able to process it at the time?

I can’t believe the number of people here saying it’s a boy thing. It definitely isn’t. It might be a ‘some people’ thing, but it’s not limited to one gender. My brother was in constant contact with my DM, as much as me (a lot). My adult DS is always on the phone or round at ours, and I can’t think of a single example IRL of a man just going off the radar of his family.

OP your son is either the kind of person (not man) who doesn’t need a lot of contact with his family, or something isn’t right. Only you will be able to know what the answer to that it, and it might be to keep asking him and be open to the answer

It’s not a “boy thing”
I have two adult sons, one contacts me once a week without fail and often pops over at the weekend. The other contacts only when he needs something!
It’s a personality thing.

Or it's mainly men just #notallmen

Jeez do we really need to state that every.single.time?

@Anothermuddywalk - “ My brother is like this. It just genuinely doesn't seem to occur to him to get in contact. He's always happy to chat when someone calls him, will reply to emails and text messages, but very, very rarely initiates them. My Mum did the 'see how long he'd go without contact thing' and caved after 6 weeks of nothing. Its almost like out of sight out of mind with him - he's very loving and chatty in person, but just seems to switch off the second he's away.”

You have described my ‘s’ (unsurprisingly) tbxh. I swear it still hasn’t computed that I have gone … 5 years ago. We can bump into each other, go for coffee and then nothing.

[quote Horehound]Or it's mainly men just #notallmen

Jeez do we really need to state that every.single.time?[/quote]
But some people ARE saying it’s a man thing, as if men are somehow more naturally predisposed to do this. They aren’t - there will be a reason for it, in the same way as there would be if a woman went low contact with her family. It might be personality, it might be the way they have been brought up, or something else. It isn’t the presence of a willy.

While at the same time reminding him of our needs in a reciprocal relationship

Surely this isn't normal, it might be a reasonable thing to talk about in couples therapy if you're trying to stay together, he's not interested, that's fine, he doesn't have to be, life is not an obligation.

@Holly60 id put my life on the fact if you did a poll on who made the more effort keeping family relations up, it would strongly be in the women's favour.

I'm not convinced about men being natural predisposed to male less effort.

I do think women are far more strongly conditioned to make the effort, keeping in contact is another women's work activity IMO. The reason it's perhaps becoming more obvious is that modern women aren't willing to take on looking after their DH's family relationships as well as their own- but a generation ago it would have been common for the wife to organise social contact with the in laws.

@Baystard

I'm not convinced about men being natural predisposed to male less effort.

I do think women are far more strongly conditioned to make the effort, keeping in contact is another women's work activity IMO. The reason it's perhaps becoming more obvious is that modern women aren't willing to take on looking after their DH's family relationships as well as their own- but a generation ago it would have been common for the wife to organise social contact with the in laws.

True

Regarding those people saying that he is ‘closing himself off’ or keeping us at arms length. How do you explain us being the first people he contacts when he is struggling or having a problem?

Over the years, even if he hasn’t called or visited regularly I am the person he calls when he is anxious or depressed and his stepfather is the one he calls if he has a practical problem such as cooking, gardening or IT.

We have talked about his childhood and the difficult times too and it was me that suggested therapy as I found it very helpful.

And I think I have acknowledged that his in laws are more dynamic and with less baggage so I understand why he may prefer them.

It hurts, but if that is how it is that is how it is.

It helps to hear that in general men are not as close to their parents, including after marriage.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who have been constructive, helpful and interesting.

My brother is like this and two years ago was suicidal. He called both my parents all the time, they put all their effort into him (understandably) and yet now even though he is better they don't hear from him until he needs something or wants something etc basically like your son. And this is what he was like before his life crumbled around him too.
I know my brother and I know he finds our parents stressful at times in the way they do things/say things etc but that he does love and care about them. To be fair he does organise presents for birthday and Xmas and a card on mother's and father's day so I guess that is one thing your son isn't doing which is shit...I would definitely be hurt by that.
But generally my mum lives by the motto "no news is good news" where my brother is concerned. Whereas me and mum message everyday.

I think you should just back off completely and let him come to you. As hard as that is. :(

I think also going to you for advice is deffo a good sign. It means you are a safe place to him. He can rely on you and he also values his step dad's knowledge on practical things.

And I think those are very reassuring things for your relationship. So it's definitely not all bad!

[quote Horehound]@Holly60 id put my life on the fact if you did a poll on who made the more effort keeping family relations up, it would strongly be in the women's favour.[/quote]
I’m just saying that I’ve never seen it in my own life. My brother put in just as much effort as me with my mother, and still puts in as much effort as myself into our own relationship - he invites us to see them as much as we invite them. My son makes just as much effort as my daughter, and in some cases more, if you are talking about EFFORT, because he tends to be the one pushing for and organising weekends away etc. I’ve never witnessed or heard of it in any of my friends where their sons make any less effort than their daughters to stay in touch. I don’t know if it’s a class or background thing perhaps?

@IrisAtwood

Regarding those people saying that he is ‘closing himself off’ or keeping us at arms length. How do you explain us being the first people he contacts when he is struggling or having a problem?

Over the years, even if he hasn’t called or visited regularly I am the person he calls when he is anxious or depressed and his stepfather is the one he calls if he has a practical problem such as cooking, gardening or IT.

We have talked about his childhood and the difficult times too and it was me that suggested therapy as I found it very helpful.

And I think I have acknowledged that his in laws are more dynamic and with less baggage so I understand why he may prefer them.

It hurts, but if that is how it is that is how it is.

It helps to hear that in general men are not as close to their parents, including after marriage.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who have been constructive, helpful and interesting.

That’s the thing though OP, I’m not sure that in general, men are any less close to their parents, and I’d hate for you to accept a situation that you aren’t happy with, just because some women on here are suggesting that this is the case. Don’t sit back and give up because ‘it’s a man thing’. It’s really not and if you want to fight for the relationship, you should

@Holly60 maybe you're parents just brought you up so well to do that and then you obviously make friends with alike people?!

I dunno I'm just thinking about my brother, my husband, my FIL and my friends and they just do not make the same effort as the women in these relationships and thus leads to them being intertwined in the woman's family rather than the man's.

Not sure about the class thing. I'm middle class and have friends in upper and lower and seems pretty consistent!
Who knows 🤔