Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

Op, I also thought you sent the photo so he knows your not making it up.

Sorry I've not read the whole thread but is there a a sibling?

There are so many things that could be going on here, how did you treat his partner years ago?
If his troubles weren't with her, did you put her down when talking to him?

When he's been younger or at home what's home life like?
Are you easy to be around, is your dh easy to be around? Do you talk a bout yourselves a alot?have you taken an interest in his partner, what happens at Xmas?

It's just I can well imagine my Mil writing something similar and of course never seeing what's she's done wrong.
She also thinks because her house is "clean" that it's Maddness no one would want to be there because it's so clean. Which of course is one major problem it's soo clean and she's too obsessed with it.
.

In your letter I feel, a few lines about how you would like to improve the relationship would have sufficed with, perhaps the main thing.. Asking HIM how he feels and what he would like and have you offended him in some way.

I say this kindly but sometimes people are hard work to be around.
My Mil does what she feels is amazing parenting so she can't understand why dh wouldn't want to spend time with her to be with her.
She's never asked him and she's not interested because actually it's always all about her!she never thinks... It's sad for my son not to feel he can call on me..

But all these women who keep in frequent touch with their own family. Why aren’t they asking their husbands why they aren’t keeping in touch with theirs?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow because they are not their mothers.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But all these women who keep in frequent touch with their own family. Why aren’t they asking their husbands why they aren’t keeping in touch with theirs?

Because they are adults who can decide on the contact they want for themselves?

When Op's son & partner go to her parents-he could decide to go to his instead, or say that they've seen quite a bit of her parents & it's time to see his!

I know that!! I just meant that l would be wondering why my other half wasn’t staying in touch with his family. As a partner ld find it a bit weird and would be questioning it.

We’ve always got on well with his partner, never criticised her - not even when they split for a short period.

I’m very aware of not talking too much about ourselves and not having expectations beyond some regular, reciprocal contact. Couldn’t care less about how cleaning, ‘appearances’ etc.

Because of my health his ‘in laws’ travel more, have barbecues, do sports and DIY together. His (step) father isn’t into sport or DIY and we are fairly quiet and introverted. They seem a really close family, which is great and I think as our son is an only child it is nice to be around an extended family. His SIL recently had a baby and lives very close to her parents so they are around too. They seem ‘uncomplicated’ while in my family (Grandparents/aunt etc) there has been a lot of turmoil due to abuse and family breakdown.

Anyway, thanks for everyone’s input and some people are right, it is difficult without knowing the details.

I think it’s a combination of past history, unspoken difficulties, personal preferences, some laziness and maybe a little taking us for granted.

It really helps to know that it is not just us and I am sorry that other people have similar experiences. Maybe we could start a support thread?

I’m worried so many people are blaming the girlfriend! This could be me and DP.
I like seeing my family and make an effort to keep in touch, call, visit, birthday and Christmas presents for everyone.
DP doesn’t do cards or presents except at Christmas. Rarely rings his family and we have seen them
Once in the last 18 months.

Both families live about 3 hours from us.

But I’m not taking over for him. I find it very embarrassing when we do see his family as I’m sure they probably all think I’m evil and it’s my fault. They occasionally reference how often I see my own family v them. If DP organised it I’d visit his family but he doesn’t, not even if I suggest it.

Why is it always the woman’s fault?

If the son has told his partner about his past/childhood, she will know his side of it.
If he isn't that fussed about keeping intouch then why would the partner keep on at him to do it?

No clue how the blame has been put on his partner.

I've never even thought about how much my DH talks to his mum. His dad monopolises the calls, so he rarely spoke to her when they've lived miles away. Why would it be up to me to say how much he does or doesn't talk to her? They are all adults.

@IrisAtwood, i too find some of the comments harsh.
all families are different.
growing up my parents encouraged/forced me to be independent early. i in turn did the same with mine.
i'm in canada and there is some geographic distance (my daughter is in the UK) she and her dh message me almost daily with 100's of grand kid photo's but we "see" each other 1-2 times a year (non covid).
my middle son lives 6 hours and a ferry trip away, again in non covid times we were seeing him 6 times a year. currently not at all but he works in IT and subsequently is available online almost 24/7.
the youngest (the errant one) is 8+ hours away and we have been able to see him 2X this past 18 months but oh my getting a hold of him is hard work.
and i too send stupid photo's and updates just to stay in touch. i guess i feel the ball is in his park and at the very least he knows my black berries are just about ripe.
i assume with time he'll be more available.
you mention he's an only child? that changes the dynamics and i have several friends with only children.

Can anyone truly comment without hearing the son's perspective?

@chunderwunder

Can anyone truly comment without hearing the son's perspective?

Well most of us who have done the teen years definitely can I should think.

This sounds like myself and my partner, I facilite seeing my family and we go out regularly, extended family parties etc.

I think my son has meant my DP's side of the family once, maybe twice (DP's parents are not alive, so its grandparents, aunts etc) in 9 years, its not up to me to arrange it, DP is a grown man who has managed to have 2 children, he can sort his side out, I sort out mine

Wrong thread soz

Did you say they are 30s - so you are ? 60.
I think in our family visiting and/ or contacting DPs was more a thing once they were older, it was a bit of a duty, but there were grandchildren by then who were taken to see GPs, GPs lives were quieter so it was a visit and check they were ok.
Thing is what do you chat about when you don't share interests. Hearing about health problems that you can't help with can be a bit wearing.
Can you take them out for a nice lunch, somewhere they would appreciate, so you are doing something for them rather than expecting things of them. It would be nice if DS wanted to spend time with you but I imagine his Gf has siblings so visiting ILs is a fun social event with others their age and not just spending time with her parents.
Has a new upmarket restaurant opened recently? Or somewhere either they or you would love to test out?

arse

Unfortunately I made the rookie error of trying to bridge the gap between dh and his dp.
Buying presents asking about phoning me thinking to do all the inviting and trying to bring them together.

Guess what I got in return, absolutely nasty disrespect, rudeness, total blame for any time we didn't spend time with them, they treat dh like absolute dirt.. Me like dirt and I've realised as a wondeful poster said on another thread ages ago, they don't take any interest in us what they want is "an audience" to their superior being, their house, success etc.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I know that!! I just meant that l would be wondering why my other half wasn’t staying in touch with his family. As a partner ld find it a bit weird and would be questioning it.

Maybe she's asked & he has given a reason or he's said he's not bothered & she's Ok with that.

I found visiting my ILs a chore so was happy to go as little as my husband wanted to!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But all these women who keep in frequent touch with their own family. Why aren’t they asking their husbands why they aren’t keeping in touch with theirs?

You are absolutely right, but it seems to be the way when a lad settles down. The couple tend to gravitate towards the female’s family. I’ve seen it so many times. It was a bit different for me and my husband as my parents are a pair of wankers, so we always gravitated towards my lovely MIL.

im not always popular-id sens one of those hug in a envelope cards to him and partner and say. i miss you,i love you and i think dad and i feel sort of excluded. we arent gony fight with you,but.if i dont tell you-you arent gonna be able to fix it. lots of love.mum

Op, you do sound lovely but your still not asking "him" about it and how he feels.

If I was this desperate I would be saying to my son, what can I do, is there anything I can do to make things easier, is it conversation, are we too boring, do I depress you, is there anything I can work on to make our relationship easier and please don't hold back or think your going to hurt my feelings.

If this was me I'd try and open that door as much as possible to make it easier for myself child to be honest.

Maybe being quiet and introverted they just feel less on formal footing and easier with her dp?
I mean at my df house dh wouldn't even think about helping himself to a drink whereas at mils, he and definitely not I would touch their stuff!!

• for what's it's worth there has been tons of drama and family breakdown in my side rather than dh (although they are certainly not squeaky clean) but.. Mine are still more sociable, relaxed homely types.. Still easier to be with and around..

tolerable but.if i dont tell you-you arent gonna be able to fix it.

I don't think we can assume it's his problem to fix. I think that's the last thing that will help.

@tolerable

im not always popular-id sens one of those hug in a envelope cards to him and partner and say. i miss you,i love you and i think dad and i feel sort of excluded. we arent gony fight with you,but.if i dont tell you-you arent gonna be able to fix it. lots of love.mum

This implies that the ds needs to do some ‘fixing’ or that he doesn’t already know that there’s an issue. It sounds like the OP has already spelt some of that out and for whatever reason he isn’t interested in changing things.

Tolerable

I think that's an awful terrible idea!..

Op has already written about this but the crucial part is asking him "why" what can I do.

Her son has no obligation to do anything at all!

Saying we can't fix this, maybe he doesn't want too and this will push him further away.

I'm talking from experience here and what Mil could say to dh to make steps to repair their relations although tricker because there wasn't one in the first place.

What is your long term health issue, OP?

It sounds to me like he might be relieved to be free of it (whatever it may be).