Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

I feel totally the same . I have been upset for weeks as I just get very brief short messages from my son and I always have to instigate the conversation. We always said we would never interfere but would offer any help we could . We have paid for holidays and had the grandchildren to stay a lot . Unfortunately there was one thing that he thought we “let him down on “ it could not be helped and now I think we won’t be forgiven . I backed off recently as I felt like I had been banging my head against a brick wall . And we got an invitation to tea.

But to be honest I can’t put myself through the constant walking on eggshells as if we have done something wrong . It really hurts as we were so close when he was growing up .

I think I have to protect myself a bit .

My daughter is exactly the opposite and is constantly in touch and she feels she has been cut off as well.

But all these women who keep in frequent touch with their own family. Why aren’t they asking their husbands why they aren’t keeping in touch with theirs?

Maybe they don’t have to after spending time with their in-laws and seeing how said in-laws treat their husbands or his family dynamic.

We see it on MN all the time.

OP,

I think his coming to you first if he is low, upset or needs anything is very telling.

He contacts you when you are of use to him.

That tells me he is a bit self absorbed and selfish.

It's not all sons, but it definitely is some.

I think you need to step back and stop the cards and gifts.

His response to your accident is extremely rude, to put it mildly.

Some men are very entitled and expect their mothers to be there when needed and can be ignored without consideration until it suits them.

Focus on your own life.

He has chosen his.
Leave him to it.

It sounds to me as if you have done your best, enough so he comes to you first when anything is going wrong in his life!🙄

My 33yr old DS is exactly like this.. he only rings when theres an emergency, or on my birthday (no pressy, but i dont need anything) and its fine!
His concept of time isnt like mine, hes busy with work and his gf who he lives with, works long shifts, so they have to fit their lives around that too.. what im saying is i know he loves me, and he knows i love him too, but hes getting on with living his life and is fully aware im there if he ever needs me. I really don't take it personally!

@fallfallfall ( quote ) luckily I have 2 others who are better? Maybe that's why he doesn't bother 🤦🏻‍♀️

It sounds like your desparation is pushing him away.
You're reminding him about it being a reciprocal relationship, you're writing letters etc.
It comes across as nagging really.

It also sounds like a fakey kind of relationship. You say you watch what questions you ask, topics of convo etc and it's like you aren't even relaxed in the company of your own son.

The way you describe his partners family is very similar to how mine are. We see them a lot, do lots together..because we have fun and laughs and everything is laid back and easy.
When we are with DHs parents they are really very boring. Nothing to say really so I think DH thinks an odd phone call here and there to catch up is sufficient rather than seeing them because what's the point when we do? It's hard to explain I suppose. My parents make lots of effort putting on lovely dinners and inviting family and friends over, going lots of interesting places.

Do you have dinners or meet ups with you son his partner and any other members of your family? Or is it always just you and your husband and that's it?

I'd also be interested to know what effort your husband makes with his son?

Because really, it comes down to mother making effort, father making none. Same thing in sons relationship. Woman makes effort, man makes none...
History repeats itself

Haven't read all the thread and lots of great replies better than mine. Just two things. I know a lot of slightly awkward and a bit shy phonephobes. They would do anything but have a chat on the phone. They would rather communicate by email or text than have to speak to a human on the phone. Could he be one of them? Perhaps he is not very in touch with expressing himself emotionally and is awkward and genuinely finds day to day chat or the telephone very hard. Not sure what to suggest but maybe meeting up out and about to do something rather than just chat might be an idea? Take the pressure off the smalltalk? Second thought is some people avoid speaking to people if the person they speak to make them feel bad or guilty a lot. I'm just wondering with the text with the foot and ouch. Like maybe it's saying why haven't you phoned to ask how I am? So then there's pressure if he phones that you might make him feel bad. This might be wide of the mark and more to do with people I've known so please ignore if not helpful. But again perhaps taking down the pressure is a way to begin. You want a demonstration of something off him (that he cares) and he might be aware of it but the sense of expectation inhibits him further. Perhaps taking all the pressure down as far as possible and starting again if any of this is relevant at all. People who are awkward or feel they can't meet some emotional expectation can maybe relax more when that big sense of expectation is removed or when people share an activity that doesn't require just talking or chatting whether Smalltalk (which some people are terrible at and dread) or the past. Maybe you've got into a sort of spiral of feeling hurt and him feeling more awkward and unable to give you what you need. Finding ways to break the spiral could help you both. These situations don't mean people don't care though. From his replies he doesn't sound like he doesn't care to me.

@Od130990, maybe ;) baby of the family and all.
But his gf does engage with us and i certainly appreciate that but do not plan on abusing that good fortune. although she's not much much better (ie not on social media fb or what app).

I also think it's a bloke thing. Girls are much better at organising stuff

I do think it is more likely that
Sons behave like this .
My brother is like this with my mother and I have friends who have sons who only get in touch when they want something, never phone/ send cards or presents etc. Not all sons of course, but some.
If I were you I would ask him out for lunch on his own and ask him why he feels as he does. Really listen to the answers.

@Killahangilion

I read your post and had to double check it wasn’t me writing about my 30-something DSS.

I think that some adult men are simply disinterested in their own families and will happily tag onto their partners family instead. 🤷🏻‍♀️
DSS and partner regularly visit her parents and I find it sad because we haven’t seen our baby grandson yet due to the pandemic, yet her mum stayed at their place for a fortnight when the baby was born and since then, they’ve both visited her mum and stayed with her for another fortnight.

DSS also hasn’t invited his own brother and partner to visit the new baby, even though they only live about 20mins away.

I find it baffling but then I remembered that DH was equally disinterested in his own mum and I was the one who had to gee him into visiting her or phoning her. I really liked my MIL and she was a genuinely warm caring person, so I’ve no idea why DH chose not to make an effort to keep in contact?

Conversely, the other DSS is excellent at maintaining contact and buys thoughtful gifts and cards and so I think it’s down to individual personality types.

But, with respect, he is not your son and that's not your Grandson. It's entirely different

@Baystard and @Panickingpavlova. ....which ...is probli why im not always popular.
I absolutely think im wrong/youre right. I dont always "people"well. .i take your comments on board ,as well as my lack of reasoning.
op- i hope you and son resolve this.

@IrisAtwood

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle. I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone. The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit. And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon. He didn’t ring or send any other text. For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting. I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner. He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us. As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life. I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands. Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

I am going to speak very frankly. I have a similar sibling. And all I can say is that your son is a selfish bastard. Leave him to his devices. Some people like him are good at sucking the life out of family growing up. And as soon as things are going good for them they basically eff off. Look after yourselves and give each other the love and support you gave before he was in your life. Some kids are just ungrateful. It’s absolutely disgusting. Reflect his behaviour in your will.

I agree with @Bonnieonthelam.

Sorry to hear of your situation

Tolerable is done under stand there reference to the your comments

Bonnie we simply don't know the context to be able to say that though.
I can imagine dh sibling saying the same as you when infact he's been treated like a sub human dog body and I don't know know how he made it in they family because they are all devoid of morals are tight (rich) and careful for the nothing else.

I felt a bit uncomfortable reading parts of your post. The sending a photo and 'ouchy' bit was asking for sympathy, and if someone doesn't give it off their own back I think it's a bit weird to push them to be sympathetic, which is how that comes across to me.

I don't think we know enough to know if he is selfish or not. If he wanted or needed more contact he would seek it out, but he doesn't. I don't think children owe their parents anything. It sounds as though the relationship between you is quite cool. I personally wouldn't be buying anyone a present or card if they didn't do the same for me. It's not about the gift it's about the thought, but by carrying on as you are you're suggesting it's fine for him not to bother which doesn't encourage mutual respect .

@jetty21 The first and only time I have sent anything like the photo. It was also to reinforce that we weren’t just avoiding going.

I sent a follow up text apologising for cancelling and saying to let us know when they would like to rearrange - no reply yet.

Anyway, lots to think about so thank you everyone.

Is his dad in his life?
I suspect resentment and anger from childhood are at the heart of this.

No. You didn't send the photo to price why you couldn't go. You sent it for attention. And for whatever reason you're not admitting it but I suspect this kind of behaviour is the reason your son doesn't keep in touch so well

Prove*

The first and only time I have sent anything like the photo. It was also to reinforce that we weren’t just avoiding going.

Why would your son think you were avoiding coming after you asked to come?

They seem ‘uncomplicated’ while in my family (Grandparents/aunt etc) there has been a lot of turmoil due to abuse and family breakdown

I think it’s a combination of past history, unspoken difficulties, personal preferences, some laziness and maybe a little taking us for granted

So he grew up in a dysfunctional family setting. Has had to have 2 years of therapy.

He's seen a 'normal' family in action and he enjoys being a part of that.

It is crap that he doesn't seem to want to keep in touch, but it sounds like you might be a reminder of his past issues.

It sounds like you think he's had his therapy and he is saying he is 'fine', but I doubt he is.

I hope you find a happy compromise in your relationship and you get some kind of relationship back on track.

@Horehound I agree. It's the kind of thing my MIL would do. DH would then send an appropriate response but it wouldn't be sincere, he would do it because he realised that's what MIL wanted him to do.

@IrisAtwood perhaps it's not how you intended it but that's how I see it, and may be how he sees it too. Also perhaps explore why you feel you need to 'prove' why you aren't going, when it was you instigating the visit anyway? It would be different if he had been begging to to come and you kept putting it off then cancelled last minute, but he seems fairly indifferent about it from what you've said.